It wouldn't be a new season of Supernatural without plaid shirts and an even shaggier haircut for Sam. Nor would it be a new season if one of the Winchester brothers hadn't spent the summer hiatus in a hellish other dimension while the other one "got a girl" as Dean so eloquently puts it in "We Need to Talk About Kevin." This year, Sam was doing the heterosexual thing (with a pet dog instead of a kid) while Dean was mud wrestling with monsters in Purgatory. And though there were a few highlights, this episode felt kind of rote. Even the bromance and drama felt tired, and our new Big Bad was just a little . . . limp?
Damn, Dean is in a seriously pissy mood when he gets back to Earth. Maybe it's because Sam wasn't doing the emo robot thing, nor was he assassinating a bunch of monsters with the guy from Breakfast Club. Actually, Dean's snarkfest wasn't nearly as interesting as his toothy pal from Purgatory. And neither Dean nor Sam can hold a candle to Kevin (Osric Chau), the cutest prophet ever. Maybe that's why Dean is so angry when he listens to the messages on all the mobiles that Sam threw away and find out that Kevin's been calling for practically a year looking for him. He's escaped from Crowley's clutches in Hell, and is hiding out with some seriously heavy intel from God in his head.
So the brothers hightail it to find Kevin, in between having some of the cheesiest flashbacks ever. I felt like every ten minutes the screen went fuzzy/wavy and suddenly we were in "what you missed while Dean was eating monster poop" mode. There was a touching moment when Sam almost killed a dog, then wound up humping the vet who saved the dog's life. And there was a manly moment when a monster struck a deal with Dean to help him get out of Purgatory through a special Human Door — if Dean will smuggle the monster out inside a giant, glowing zit on Dean's arm.
Seriously, the scene where Dean pops the soul zit was just . . . I don't know if the word is "gross" or just "c'mon."
Crowley is also hot on Kevin's tail, because he's got this tablet with the word of God on it that he wants translated — apparently, it contains instructions on how to permanently close the gates between Hell and Earth. Or maybe it contains instructions about everything demonic, or how to open a door between the midwest and Crowley's living room. Kevin says it's kind of a Demons for Dummies deal.
At any rate, Crowley gets back to being a total bastard by possessing Kevin's ex-girlfriend, tormenting everybody with her possible demise, and then killing her after Kevin promises to give himself up and then double-crosses him. Yay for newly re-eneviled Crowley! Also, yay for Kevin, who proves himself (in flashback) to be a total badass who knows how to fight back against monsters and demons using his brains and a supersoaker. I really hope Kevin can be the new Cas, because he's the coolest new character this show has had in ages (other than the Felicia Day hacker character from last season). For now, Kevin is rolling with the Winchesters, and I'm guessing that plugging up the hole to Hell is going to be their mission.
Though obviously you can't turn Hell into a closed ghetto without major unintended consequences. It's one of those messing with the balance of everything, no good without evil scenarios.
Meanwhile, Dean tells his monster bestie to stop calling him because they need to take a break. Unfortunately it looks like Dean may have pulled a serious bad guy out of Purgatory with him. We're not sure what Monster Dude is up to but he's wearing a scary baseball hat and cackling in a way that suggests he's about to sacrifice a bunch of bunnies or unleash a plague that will make everybody kill bunnies. It's pretty clear that Monster Guy is going to be our Big Bad for the season, or at least connected to a larger Bad Issue.
And now it's time to process our feelings. Dean is sad that Sam hung out with a cute lady and a cute dog for a year instead of moping over him. Sam has longer hair. Kevin is freaked out. Cas is out of commission — Dean said something vague about how he'd "seen enough" of the horrors that befell Cas. I'm just wishing desperately that I cared. Please, Supernatural, make me care!