The CW's Beauty and the Beast is a masterpiece of the art of sexy sex. Everything on this show was "sexy." At first we thought this was just a lark — but when The CW starts rolling out the pursed-lipped hospital ID cards, and sexy daylight streaming police offices, on top of sexy ladies fight-moaning in sexy slomo, we realized... this is intentional. We're going to have so much fun with this show, you guys.

Okay, so let's get started. Good lord how beautiful is Kristin Kreuk? She's so gorgeous, I'm almost uncomfortable watching her on television around other folks when I've imbibed more than one drink. I mean Jesus, people, look at this puss. She starts off as a sexy bartender (with pigtails) who is working towards her Law Degree (LOL aren't they all) and winds up a sexy detective. Oh, and before the series speeds up time to show her as a sexy lady cop, her mom is shot about 1,000 times in front of her, then some beast man comes and rips apart the shooters and runs off. In case you didn't read the title of the show, that's the Beast.

Blah blah back to the cops. So KK... whose character name is Catherine Chandler (AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) is now a New York Detective. Catherine has a sexy lady cop partner. Togehter they weigh about 5 sparrows. I immediately like her lady cop parter and her Hollywood New York accent, mostly because the accent was a conscious decision by the writers, actor, crew, director and any person who walked by the set and didn't say, "NO."

Lickedy split, the two teeny tiny ladies are on a case and make for the crime scene. There they see a rich woman who has been murdered most foul. And she has monies — we know this because since they are ladies, they immediately point out her Louis Vuitton. But wait the partner cop didn't immediately recognize the shoes/purse/scarf/accessory item because she's not THAT kind of girl. The victim works at KertOURAH Magazeene (as the partner cop bellows it). It's a crime of fashion. I will now spend the rest of the night looking around the room at other people to see if they too have just witnessed what I witnessed.

The Sexpocalypse That is The CW's Beauty and the BeastS

Catherine and her partner return to their sexy light-drenched office building. Where they attempt to crack this case by scribbling on their clear chalk boards and tapping on their beautiful computers. Yada, yada, yada the Beast had something to do with the crime, because his finger prints were found at the scene. His real name is Vincent Keller, yet another amazing name that only exists in writer's rooms. Turns out Vincent Keller is a dead man — TWEEST!

The Sexpocalypse That is The CW's Beauty and the BeastS

They find Vincent's old hospital ID. IT LOOKS LIKE THIS.

That is the sexiest hospital ID I have ever seen. But wait, it doesn't stop there.

The Sexpocalypse That is The CW's Beauty and the BeastS

This is what their Medical Examiner looks like! And he has an accent. Mercy.

Ok where were we, oh right so Catherine gets Vincent's old roommate's information and heads over to his giant sexy loft apartment cinematically placed so the Brooklyn Bridge would always be next to it in the horizon.

The Sexpocalypse That is The CW's Beauty and the BeastS

Catherine sees these books. And even though the roommate is a BioChem teacher, we all know this is suspicious.

The Sexpocalypse That is The CW's Beauty and the BeastS

See, this is her "that's suspicious" face.

Oh I should stop for a moment to comment on the dialogue between Catherine and her partner, which is the best thing ever put to paper. Here are some examples in regards to the roommate's loft:

- "What is he building, a Meth Lab?"
- "Just my type."

- "This will be condos in two years."
- "Yeah, it needs a new decorator."

These two are the new Jerry Orbach of cop shows. But instead of solving crime with sass and witty zingers, they're just terrible. And then every once in a while a rage monster pops ups and rips open a few human torsos.

Okay, moving along. To be honest I kind of blacked out a little bit after a fit of scream laughing. But I snapped to when Vincent started yelling the old "definition of insanity" line. Which was absolutely perfect in comparison to the rest of the effort put into this script.

Eventually the FBI asks Catherine to meet her at a train stop, and she is then obviously jumped because that is what happens when YOU MEET SOMEONE AT A TRAIN STOP. The FBI and Cat begin a dance of sexy slomo fighting with grunts and lights, Cat kicks a little ass but then the beast shows up and just murders everyone. They connect over the death and Vincent spills the beans that he's part of a secret government project that turns men into rage monsters. Also something about 9/11, which is really lazy and terrible and really let's all just pretend that part never happened. Vincent's dark past, rage mongering and sexy face scar only fans the passion Cat has for Hulk monsters. Together they spend a lot of time breathing into each other's mouths.

The Sexpocalypse That is The CW's Beauty and the BeastS

In the end Vincent is still a mystery, and this sepia toned headshot is a clue. After Cat hung this image the rest of the police force jumped into the air, fanning their face with their hands and screaming "NO, NO, NO TOO SEXY, NO IT'S TOO SEXY!

So what you have here is a good lookin' nighttime soap that I am completely on board for. It is so bad, it's good for laughs. So many laughs. Deep belly laughs that creep down to your very toes and then lurch back out with a fart. As long as Beauty and the Beast keeps posting instagrammed head shots as actual clues, I am in. Please do not confuse any of those earlier statements as actual praise for intentional end results on this series. This is just something I'm going to get really drunk and watch every week.

Oh and the fashion murder victim... she was killed by a poisoned beauty product.

Here is a clip from the next episode, enjoy.