OK, last week I was sad about the state of Supernatural this season, but this week I am angry. Not only did we get a "special found footage" episode that nobody ever wanted, but it was basically a cheap ripoff of the (brilliant) teen superpower movie Chronicle, crossed with Teen Wolf. Again with the nobody wanted that. I'm sorry, show, but no amount of fan service jokes about Wincest fanfic (see clip above) can make up for this. Spoilers ahead.
I would like it noted for the record that I was once in love with this show. During seasons 4 and 5 especially, I was full of a burning passion for it that could not be quenched. I wrote long, philosophical recaps of it for this very site, praising its incredible versatility and smart stories about the nature of good and evil. I had pretend conversations with then-showrunner Eric Kripke in my head, where he and I discussed narrative structure and Judeo-Christian ideas of freewill. But now I am bereft. This show has lost its way to the point that we are having bad "let's pastiche another genre" episodes without any input from Ben "Meta" Edlund.
At least last night we had less whining from Dean — instead, we had to listen to these Cloverfields commenting snarkily on whether Sam and Dean are having an office romance. I hope this little in-joke has caused all the fans of Sam/Dean slash to kill the internet with their minds.
OK, you want to know the story? A guy who identifies with Piggy from Lord of the Flies (YES THERE IS A REFERENCE TO LORD OF THE FLIES PLEASE SLAP THE FACE OF WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOREVER) wants to be more like his best friend, who identifies with Thor, if his physique is any guide. Then Thor hits on the girl Piggy likes, and Piggy is jealous. Thor is bitten by a werewolf, stars gaining superpowers, and Piggy is jealous. Meanwhile, Girlfriend is totally clueless and says thing to Piggy like, "Gee it's really hot when Thor does his wolfy stuff and eats people's hearts."
And there is angst. Piggy uses his hacking and computer powers to find out who bit Thor (a teacher at their college), and forces the guy to bite him so he can be more like Ralph instead of Piggy. So basically he has done something stupid based on a stupid misinterpretation of Lord of the Flies WHICH WHY IS THAT IN HERE AT ALL AS A REFERENCE IT IS LIKE THE ULTIMATE CLICHE EVER AND IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT THE STORY. This is not a tale about gangs of savage pre-teens shedding the trappings of civilization and killing the vulnerable. It's more like an episode of Beverly Hills 90210, where somebody whiny gets an expensive camera and is sad because sex.
Anyway, while we're talking about cliches, let's discuss all the found footage cliches in this episode. Cameras being held in wildly improbable situations? Check. Footage included that could not possibly have been taken by any of the characters? Check. People being "real" by breathing really hard and getting all snot-nosed? Check. Violence indicated with camera angles going wild and lines jumping across the screen? Check. Reference to YouTube? Check. Yep, it's all there.
So anyway, eventually Piggy kills Thor and then Girlfriend kills Piggy. Nobody gets to be Ralph because seriously piss off for not even understanding what Lord of the Flies was about. Then Girlfriend edits together the episode you are watching because we are so super meta, and a joke is made about how Dean says "awesome" too often. Sam and Dean find Thor and Piggy's bodies and watch the episode, which ends with Girlfriend saying, "Please don't kill me because I'm really blonde and skinny and I haven't actually killed anyone human."
And now it's time to process our feelings because Dean says yeah, let's let her go. What the fuck??? Let's let her GO? Really? Is this the same show where Dean killed Sam's ex-girlfriend because she was getting human brains for her sick kid? Where Dean wanted to kill Amber Benson because she was a vampire, even though she had gone all sober and wasn't drinking human blood? (OK sure they didn't kill her but she had to sacrifice herself eventually anyway.) This chick is a half-crazed new werewolf. Do they really think she won't be eating hearts in like the next week? Did that make any sense at all?
Seriously, the lack of angsting over not killing Girlfriend was as lame as the over-angsting that often happens in other episodes. Plus, I really thought that she deserved killing after A) killing Piggy, and B) forcing us to watch her awful episode. By the end of this episode, I was having an imaginary conversation with Judge Dredd about how he needed to deliver justice because obviously everybody else in this show was too busy trying to reference the One Profound Novel They Read In High School instead of writing something good.
Yes I am grumpy, people, but I just had to watch the worst episode of Teen Wolf ever. You would be angry too.