How Once Upon A Time turned into an all-guy love triangle

Is it just me, or is EVERYONE in love with Emma? Once Upon A Time has pulled a bit of a fast one on the audience — what was once an adventure fairy tale is now a broody supernatural young adult sex-fest. Because we ladies love it when guys fight over us.

Look, I'm not complaining — all three contenders for Emma's heart are foxy in their own right. But deep down inside, I'm still shipping for the Mulan/Sleeping Beauty hook up. Alas that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon so let me focus on the gentlemen of the hour. Hook, Pinocchio, and NEAL! Spoilers ahead...

How Once Upon A Time turned into an all-guy love triangle

Heeeey oh! Looks like we finally found out who Henry's Dad is. And if you didn't know, here's another giant clue.... PSSST it's on the KEY CHAIN.

Yep that's the name henry right next to (what we're assuming) is his pappy. Once is about as delicate as a boot to a butterfly's back with clues, so I feel confident that this is Henry's Dad.

How Once Upon A Time turned into an all-guy love triangle

And according to this "Most Wanted" poster Henry's Dad's name is NEAL CASSIDY, which sounds like the kid brother from a bad 1930s detective novel. Also, a "Wanted" poster? Is that still a thing? I know my local bodega likes to post security camera pictures of people who stole from them, but they all just look like a blob in a jacket. I don't pay much attention to it, and I certainly wouldn't notice the thief in real life. But I guess sometimes you need to tell your audience a name without having someone say their name, FOR REASONS. SO SHUT UP AND LOOK AT THIS APOLLO BAR!

How Once Upon A Time turned into an all-guy love triangle

But besides whether or not WANTED posters are still a real thing, we have much more pressing questions about Neal. First up, is Neal a fairy tale character? We know that he and Emma met while each trying to steal the same yellow bug. Which, ha. They seem like a normal sexy outlaw couple living out of a yellow bug, until Pinnochio shows up.

The beastly-haired man chest that is now Manocchio is back and yelling at Neal for derailing Emma from her destiny. This is when things get weird. Pinnochio (going by the name of August, but let's not play that game, shall we?) asks Neal if he's the kind of man who believes in magic. Neal dodges the question and says, "I take it you do." Instead of immediately slapping him and retorting with a "Don't be cute," Pinnochio and Neal just eye fuck the shit out of each other. Then Pinnochio shows Neal what's in his box. This changes Neal's mind and he decides to ditch the love of his life, so she can find her "destiny." Clearly, Neal knows what magic is, or else he would have been rolling on the ground shaking his fists and caterwauling about nothing being what it seems. But he didn't do that. Instead he dumped Emma, for some greater good. This can only mean that Neal KNOWS what magic is. And if that is in fact true, he must be Bae, the son of Rumpelstiltskin.

But wait, Bae is FAR too old to be Neal. He would be like 60 or some garbage if my fairy-tale math is right. But wait. What if Bae didn't IMMEDIATELY go to the real world. What if he went to Neverland FIRST? Thus proving the strong Peter Pan vibe I was getting from the opening of the second season. You don't age in Neverland, something Captain Hook made a big stink about in the last episode. So, eh? Eh? So that's my theory. Bae is Peter Pan, who later became Neal. Who is also Henry's Dad. BOOM!

Also, one last thing about Neal. If this fake name of Neal Cassidy is supposed to be Neal Cassady from Jack Kerouac's On the Road, I will just throw shit out my window. That would just be.... terrible.

So you've got Neal, who really loves Emma. The furry-fronted Pinnochio who has a big brother vibe thing for Emma, but is also very attractive even though he looks like a total monster when he's all wood. But you know, things happen. And the last man in the Emma triangle of sultry men who love ladies who love leather jackets?

How Once Upon A Time turned into an all-guy love triangle

Captain Hook! I saw a lot of Captain/Swan shippers on ye olden internets last night. And I agree, these two are channeling a strong heat from their mutual undercarriages. Do I want them to make out? Maybe. Would I rather he get it on with Prince Charming? Yes. Most certainly.

How Once Upon A Time turned into an all-guy love triangle

In other news Emma fought Hurley the Giant and decided NOT to kill him. So now they are friends and he owes her two favors. One of which she uses to spare her life, and the other to restrain Hook for 10 hours so she and the girls can get a head start. Next week, the gang has to find something and something to make them do something so they can get back to Earth. Really, at this point, this is all just hot magical filler to facilitate character-developing flashbacks. But as long as the flashbacks have Neal in them, doing that thing where he looks up skeptically with a smile, I'm in.