Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Actual Breaking Dawn Pillow Case with Sex Tears

This is the real life Bella and Edward Honeymoon Pillow, stained with makeup and with REAL SEX TEARS. Oh and it's all shredded from Edward's intense passion. He just clawed right through it, because of sex. The real life pillow was on sale at Ebay, here's how the described it.

This is the pillow used on the bed during the sex scene between Edward and Bella in Breaking Dawn Part 1. Tears and rips are visible on the pillow case. Pillow measures 36″ in length and 20″ in width. The pillowcase is a cream white and shows discoloration to show its use. Make up stains from the main actors can be seen on the pillow. Was obtained directly from the filming and production crew from Breaking Dawn Part 1. This pillow includes a Certificate of Authenticity from Hollywood PARTS.

FEATURES:
Item: Edward and Bella's Hero Pillow from Breaking Dawn Sex Scene
Film: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Can be seen on screen during the film
Material: Feathered Goose Down
Color: Off White/Cream
Visible Make-Up Stains
Claw Marks and Tears on Pillowcase
Only known one in existence
Dimensions: 36″ x 20″
Includes Certificate of Authenticity from Hollywood PARTS
Own a Piece of Cinema History!

They were asking for 2,999.99 smackerooos. Which, answers my question about the going price for one sex tear from a Hollywood starlet. REAL SEX TEARS YOU GUYS.

[Via Ebay]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Twilight Tampon Drink

We think the title of this art project really says it all, "Why Edward Really Stayed with Bella Twilight Vampire Teabag Cup ADULT Mature Blood Tampon." Because he drank her period blood. Merry Christmas everybody!

[CircassianBeauty at Etsy via Regretsy]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Edward Reminds You To "Be Safe" In Bed

Get a shadowy Edward Silhouette wall decal to stand guard over your bed and remind you all that you shouldn't have sex until you're married and it kills you — or ride dirt bikes. It's $60, but think of it this way: it's an investment in your sex life. Contraceptives are expensive, but this wall decal will keep everyone out of your bedroom for years.

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Twilight Bed Crown

Live in your own moody death shroud, for a mere $14.00.

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS


Bella's Womb

Well, it was bound to happen, someone was bound to make a felt version of Bella Swan's womb... wait WHAT. HER WOMB? SOMEONE FELTED HER WOMB? WITH THE MUTATED BLOOD-CRAVING ADULT BABY RENESMEE INSIDE? TELL US WHY. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THIS??

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS



Twilight Pillow
Apparently MS Paint is still the preferred mode of digital creativity in the wonderful world of Stephenie Meyer, so here is an artfully designed pillow featuring a lamb jumping off a cliff. IT'S A METAPHOR. For... Twilight girls with suicidal urges after their boyfriends break up with them. It's beautiful.

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Jasper Dean

This is Jasper Dean the offspring of Jasper and Alice. He is $115.00 bucks. At night he comes to life and stand over your throat, holding a knife.

[Ebay via Regretsy]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Twi Shower

Nothing says "early morning heart attack" quite like a greeting from a giant, brooding, floating vampire head in your bathroom. It's the Twilight shower curtain, and it's only $60.

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS



Cullen Crest bra

The jury's still out on whether or not this one is real, but if so, you had better be a well endowed girl who doesn't mind showing off that space where cleavage usually goes. If you're good with that, then show off this crest of a family you'll never belong to! Because they're fake! And not real! HEAR ME? IT'S A MOVIE, PEOPLE.

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS



TwiCrotch: Edward Panties

I'm sure the vamp facing panties we introduced you to a few weeks ago are already high on your wish list, but we definitely wanted to remind you of the awesomeness of them. I mean, who doesn't need panties where the crotch faces INSIDE. Yeah, mull that one over, fans.

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

The Vamp: The Sparkly Dildo
If nothing else on this slightly disturbing list can help you get as close to Edward as you'd like, please consider Tantus's sparkly The Vamp dildo in its cool pink color. Back when we showed you it was available, don't forget to throw it in the fridge before using it though, so you're sure to get that cold, lifeless feeling a real vamp's sparkly cock would be sure to have.

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Glitter Lube

Once sold at Hot Topic, this lovely sparkly lube is actually Robert Pattinson's favorite terrible thing to come out of his Twilight movies.

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Bella Swan Diorama of Bella Playing Herself at Chess

Now you can witness the supernatural penis puzzle going on inside Bellas head! No surprise here, it makes about just as much sense as Bella's reasoning. So, great centerpiece, everyone. And it's only $150.

[Etsy via Stella Four]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Twilight Panty Party

Ever since the release of the horrifying Edward crotch-mouth Twilight Panties, the underwear market has been hot, hot, hot for some cold, cold vampire lovin. Behold the best of the Twilight Panty Party — our favorite is the Cullen baseball team briefs, because it's obscure enough that you might not get shamed in the locker room for putting a Cullen on your cooter.

UPDATE: "Team Edward" panties are for girls. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

[Via Etsy, Wordans, Ebay, Cafe Press and more Ebay and Etsy]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Reusable Twilight Baby Diapers

For tiny super fans.

[Via Etsy]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Twilight Condom

Just a reminder for those first timers that when he does sleep with you, he may or may not try to kill you.

[via Twilight Blog]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Edward Body Pillows

Yep, there are more than one. Choose from the Edward body pillow that you can straddle, or the one with manilla pillow arms. Never sleep alone again.

[Via Etsy and Etsy]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Baby Renesmee

The demon spawn of Edward and Bella! ATTACK, EVIL BABY, ATTACK.

[Found at Dollfan]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Edward Tampon Case

Crack open Edward's felt head and shove your lady goods down his neck — it's a Twilight tampon case! Hey at least it's not as bad as the reusable menstrual pad where the wearer physically bleeds all over some random vampires abs.

[Etsy via Salon]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Twilight Embryo Ornaments

Because, fuck your God!

[Etsy via Moviefone]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Jacob's Ashes!

Carry around the cremated remains of your favorite shirtless werewolf. From the seller AnimaeGirl's Etsy Account:

Here's something every Twihard or even those friends of Twihards need, a little bit of Jake in a bottle. His ashes plush fur fills this little glass bottle and the bottle has been adorned with a sealed label along with a spirit wolf charm. This pendant is hung on waxed linen with two bone beads and the catch is a lobster claw design

.

The best part, they're only $8.00. Poor Jacob. They also sell Edward and Bella's ashes, which have sparkles in them, obviously.

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Twinklight

No problem with the porn part, we just think the title is completely inspired. And apparently so did everyone else because now it's a porn web series (trailer above, don't worry it's PG rated). Well done Twinks of Forks.

To watch it visit Twinklight The Movie's website

[via Salon]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Vampire Fleshlight

Possibly inspired by the Twilight craze a few years back, we're bummed we didn't get this sex toy in our first post. But, then again any good Twihard knows that these vampires do not have fangs. Still the timing of the sex toy was uncanny (HA!).

[via Fleshlight]

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Please God No WHY, Twilight MerchandiseS

Edward In Cat Form

Edward. In. Cat. Form.

[via Etsy]

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