The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Edward as A Furby

Technically this is called a Snug. And it's a Snug version of Edward, which means it sits in the corner and refuses to have sex with it's wife throughout most of its honeymoon.

[Via TooCute4U on Etsy.]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Twilight Cat Dress

Just in case your cat learns how to read, they can hate you later.

[Via Gothicbeagle on Etsy]

The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Jacob Doll

What terrifying painted on abs you have.

[Via Shannon Nix on Etsy]

The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

More Pillow Cases

Can't afford the Authentic Sex Tear-stained honeymoon pillowcase? Don't worry there's a much cheaper version right here. Great to help you practice your kissing! Don't act like your above it.

[Via Hot Topic]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Pre-Owned Emmit T-Shirt

Poor Emmit.

[Via Ebay]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Fur Dress Made from the Skin of Jacob's Dead Family

We love funny little dog-eared hats. But when one of the main characters shape shifts into a wolf, perhaps making a dress adorned with (fake) wolf fur is in bad taste.

[Via Avantegarb on Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Share The Dream Together Sheets
Surround yourself with vampire love, hearts, and shame. Available at ebay.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise



Twilight Checkbook Cover

This might be a really clever joke, since Twilight is one of the biggest cash cows in history — but we have a feeling there's no sardonic wit involved in this Twilight checkbook cover.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise



Twilight Mosaic Table

Maybe Joseph Fiennes would want to decorate his back patio with this. Ha ha ha ha ha it's a FlashForward joke. But seriously, he probably would want this exquisitely crafted piece of furniture.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise



My Mommy's a "Bella" Onesie

If your mommy really is a "Bella", that means you are a demon spawn whose father had to rip through your mommy's stomach with his vampire teeth to release you from her womb. You also will grow abnormally fast, be a child forever, and have a totally consensual love affair with a werewolf 17 years your senior. So that's good.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise



Twilight Converse

Better not scuff these up, y'all. There is no greater art form than puffy paint-decorated Chucks.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise Bella's St. Jude Bracelet

Bella's St. Jude bracelet from Hot Topic keeps the apocryphal apostle close to your heart, but we have no idea why - THIS IS NOT IN THE BOOK; THIS IS NOT CANON, PEOPLE.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise Cross Stitch Abs

Who doesn't want to spend hours cross stitching abs on your sweat shit? Well now you can.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise



Bella's Wedding Ring

Yes you guys. You too can rush into a teen marriage prematurely, so that you can have sex without remorse. And have a demon grow in your uterus. And name her Renesmee. All because of this heavenly bauble.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise



Golden Contacts

Fangs are so passé, everyone knows that eye color are the real indicator of a propensity for blood sucking and sex-abstaining.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise



Wolf Pack Packaging Tape

Now you can give your gifts a Wolf Pack tattoo when you wrap and send them! Not to mention the hours of entertainment you'll get out of "giving" some poor unsuspecting boy a tape tattoo ("I promise it won't hurt to take off!") . Available at the Twilight center for entertainment joy, Hot Topic.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Salt & Vampire Pringles

Now you don't need to continue stalking R-Patz to find out that vampires apparently taste exactly like vinegar and are in fact used as a substitute for it. Just try these limited edition Pringles!

Hey, if vamps can eat us, why not the other way around?

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Some of the most sensational, embarrassing and frankly gross Twilight saying tees, buttons and bags.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Love at First Bite Cookbook

In Twilight, Esme and company invite Bella over for some Italiano, so now you too can extend a lil vampire hospitality to your favorite friends who will gaze at you in silence, shaking their heads with sadness that you trust Stephenie Meyer with your discerning palate, as you try to whip up some favorites from Love at First Bite including Bella's Lasagna, Harry's Famous Fish Fry, and of course mushroom ravioli as the main course. See Twilight lunchbox for further instructions.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Bella's Birthday Dress
For maximum effect, make sure your hair isn't done and you wear black cons - this is like the American Girl Doll dress up gone horribly wrong. Especially since this is the dress Bella gets smacked around in, for her protection. Available at Hot Topic not that we tried it on or anything, shut up!

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Twilight Barbie replicas
Added to the category of slightly creepy yet totally keeping in tune with the rest of the great merch, Mattel commissioned replicas of Bella and Edward whose plastic skins are whiter than white (though Eddie doesn't seem to sparkle as much as we would have thought). They're not available yet, but come November 25, snatch one up for the Twilhards in your life, so they can creepily act out the books on their own!

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise



Eddie's Volvo

Are you a relatively affluent middle aged man or woman who loves both Twilight and midrange luxury vehicles? Then you should enter this contest. We don't think you will have that much competition.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Twi-Socks

So your ankles can be "beautiful."

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Breaking Dawn Baking Dish

Personalize your very own baking dish with great sayings from Twilight — for reasons unbeknownst to us.

[via Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Breaking Dawn My Little Pony Wedding Set

Isn't everything just better when it's said through Ponies. Fingers crossed for the Breaking Dawn, Breaking Hymen Pony Play Kit.

[via Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Twilight Edward Wig

We can't believe this isn't easier to find. The boy's hair was the butt of everyone's jokes and eventually became so popular he got his own generic "Night Time Romeo" wig. But we all know what it really meant.

[Halloween Spirits via Fanpop]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Team Charlie T-Shirt

"No one Forks with the Chief of Police" except me! Look we love Charlie and his Magnum PI mustache. And maybe we're a bit nicer to the Dads everywhere every time Bella stamps all over his heart and leaves town for ITALY. But this t-shirt made us laugh, a lot. For the Daddy Fetishist in us all.

[via Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Twilight Sex Necklace

Carry around a fake image of Bella and Edward's first time around your neck. Always.

[via Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Glow-In-The-Dark Edward Face Soap

We assume that the only reason you would need glow-in-the-dark Twilight face soap is for some good clean alone time. But even then, how does this work?

[via Dugshop on Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Bella Inspired Deodorant

Now your pits can smell just like Bella's pits.

[via Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Cullen Car Cover

The Cullens are terrible, horrible drivers! This is not a compliment to your driving skills. Officer, pull these folks over immediately. Also, sometimes they steal cars. Officer!

[via Fanpop]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Any And All of The "Covered In Feathers" Merchandise

After Bella and Edward rub nasty bits for their first time, Bella blacks out. She then wakes up and is all "why am I covered in feathers?" Edward's response was that he got so carried away (with the sex) that he bit a bunch of pillows. Bella remembers none of this. Wearing this quote on your body would be like me walking around town with a "Squeal Like A Pig" necklace. It's just weird, people.

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Obsessive. Cullen. Disorder.

[Via Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Twilight Sparkle Collection

To make your hair just like his! Gigantic!

[Twilight Sparkle Collection via Meijer]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Imprinted Baby Maternity T-Shirt

This baby is spoken for.
[Via CafePress]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Edward Doll With Steve Buscemi Eyes

Made entirely of dryer lint, possibly — the creepiest thing about this doll are his sad, sad eyes.

[Etsy Via Stella Four]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

The World's Creepiest Twilight Pin

Sure the saying is from the book/movie. But holy crap, just simply reading that makes me feel like I should be screaming, "I NEED AN ADULT!"

[Via Etsy]

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The Truly Terrible Twilight Merchandise

Twilight EYEBALL

Crochet catnip Twilight colored eyeball, because it just doesn't feel like home until your cat is rolling around a giant vampire eyeball.

[via Etsy]

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