The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figures

I realized it about a quarter of the way into Breaking Dawn, Part 2, the fifth and final movie in the Twilight movie saga. I was watching a porn flick. I don't mean that people were getting it on in improbable ways with even more improbable amounts of stamina. I mean the stilted dialogue whose entire purpose is to introduce long, wordless sequences of carnal indulgence. The wooden acting that we are not supposed to care about because we're just in this for the money shots. But what, exactly, is the release we're waiting for? The climax, if you will?

That's the really weird part. Spoilers ahead!

Mary Sue Porn
One thing that porn and fanfic like the Twilight books have in common is a "Mary Sue" character who stands in for the rabid audience member (and probably the writer, too) who wishes desperately that her life would be as perfect and satisfying as the main character's. Without a Mary Sue to identify with, it's harder to get off. In porn, you have a schlubby guy (your Mary Sue, AKA Ron Jeremy) who gets it on with babes; in the Twilight series you have Bella, a clumsy, emotionally wrecked girl whose ability to be a Mary Sue for teenage girls has changed the face of pop culture for an entire generation.

The very best part of Breaking Dawn Part 2 from a Mary Sue perspective is that the entire movie is payoff. Bella has suffered for four freakin movies, yearning for her vampy babe Edward to A) love her, B) figure out it's OK to love her, C) return from whatever damn place he went to figure out A and B, D) propose, E) marry her, F) take her to his private island and break the furniture with their sweet love, G) get her pregnant, H) wait on her hand and foot while she is lying on the sofa all day with child, I) deliver their baby via vampire bite C-section, and J) finally TURN HER INTO A DAMN VAMPIRE WHICH IS WHAT SHE WANTED ALL ALONG.

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figuresS

Now Bella is a vampire and her life is basically one giant orgasm. "I was born to be a vampire," she moans in one of the few bits of dialogue that make any sense. She gets to run around at super speed, climb vertical rock faces with her bare hands, beat gigantically strong men at arm wrestling, develop superpowers (more on that in a minute), and just generally be the most badass member of the Cullen family. Plus, she gets to be the best mom in the universe because her child grows so fast that she basically never has to take care of the kid at all. Yeah, it's easy to be a glamorous parent when you aren't actually parenting. That's another Mary Sue moment for you right there. Baby Renesmee is a creepy CGI infant who is preternaturally calm, and quickly grows into a 7-year-old who is so well behaved that she never talks.

Also, all the coolest vampires in the world come to pay homage to Bella and her baby. Edward says like fifteen thousand times that she's the greatest thing ever and that he underestimated her. Everybody loves Bella and she controls the destiny of vampire kind and also one of the Cullen sisters bought her a giant wardrobe of new clothes.

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figures

House Porn
Like the previous Breaking Dawn movie, and all the Twilight movies that include the Cullens' super-modern wood-and-glass manse, there is a lot of house porn in this flick. First, we see the soaring glass windows and Pottery Barn everythingness of the Cullens' place again. Then the family quickly buys Bella and Edward their own perfect woodsy house. Whose every room we MUST SEE in a loooooooong scene that is basically a live action version of a home decor catalogue.

Oh and here's the fireplace! The baby's room! The throw rug! And the bedroom! Which is only there so that Bella and Edward can hump the furniture since vampires don't sleep.

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figuresS

Except for a few extremely weird moments with Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, and the rest of the Volturi vampire crew, the acting in this movie is about on par with the acting performed by Bella and Edward's house. It looks beautiful, but isn't very expressive. I should add that I am a Kristen Stewart fan, and I loved her in Snow White and the Huntsman. She can definitely emote, but I think the Twilight movies call for woodenness. Like I said, these people are not supposed to be people — they are action figures, avatars designed entirely to be our Mary Sues. If they had personalities, we couldn't project our own perverse, private issues onto them.

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figuresS

Mustache Dad and Werewolf Porn
Bella's dad Charlie (who is now classing up the place as the lead in the new series Revolution) is a high point in Breaking Dawn Part 2. As ever, he's the only person who seems at all perturbed by what's going on. He's so upset that Jacob decides to come out to Charlie, to help him understand. To do this, Jacob visits Charlie, and tells him something like "This may be hard to understand but bear with me." Then he strips off his shirt. As Charlie reacts, Jacob says, "No really I have to tell you this, please let me," and takes off his jeans and underwear.

Then he turns into a werewolf. I love that there is this incredibly campy, silly scene in the middle of everything else, where basically Taylor Lautner has no reason whatsoever to deliver these double-entendre lines and strip. This scene is here for the same reason every sex scene is in every porn movie. Not because it makes sense, but because we are here to see men stripping and turning into werewolves while mustache dad cop watches.

Action Figure Porn
As I said earlier, the acting in this movie (with the exception of Mustache Dad) is like watching somebody move action figures around on top of a Williams Sonoma catalogue. Compounding this is a new development: It turns out that many vampires have X-men-esque superpowers on top of their default vampire superpowers. We already knew Alice could see the future, and some of the Volturi could read minds and create mental anguish, but now we find out that there are airbender vampires and electricity-shooting vampires and omega mutant vampires who can go all Dark Phoenix on your ass.

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figures

That means that there is the inevitable showdown between the Cullens and their multicultural stereotype friends (you'll see) vs. the pure white Volturi, who disapprove of Renesmee because of a whole (fairly interesting) backstory that explains why you aren't supposed to make baby vampires. Short version: Baby vampires never grow up physically or mentally, so there is a little problem where they have temper tantrums and eat entire villages. The Volturi's little cabal came together to stop baby vampire abominations. So they've come to Forks to crush the Cullens mostly because they don't realize that Renesmee is a half-blood who will actually grow up.

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figuresS

The point is, there is a fight scene. A long, improbable, laugh-out-loud at the abysmal special effects fight scene, in which we discover that you can kill a vampire exactly the same way you kill an action figure. Just pop off its head! Boink! It comes off with no blood! Just a kind of SNAP just like plastic. Even if you never go to the theater to see this movie, I urge you to rent it at some point just to fast-forward to the fight scene so that you can see the weirdest thing ever. It's actually not a bad fight scene, which is what's truly strange about it. There is pathos! And people are killed! Plus, Bella hones her "shield" power, which protects against vampire powers, and looks sort of like a 1990s special effect. Also, if you are really into seapunk, you will want to add an electro-sea shanty tune over top of this scene and just get into it.

Kiddie Porn
Beneath all this silliness and good clean fun there is a really ugly, disturbing story. I mean this is Twilight, so what did you expect? We discover in this movie what it really means that Jacob the werewolf has "imprinted" on Bella's daughter Renesmee. It means that he's going to give her bad nicknames like Nessie, and protect her like a father would. But it also means that he's destined to marry her.

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figuresS

That's right — he's taken care of her since she was a baby, and acts as her guardian, because he loves her in that way. There's a scene where the movie takes a half-hearted stab at trying to claim there is something wrong about this. Bella screams at Jacob about imprinting on her daughter and he protests, "It isn't like that!" Meaning, I suppose, that he's not having sex with an infant. But of course it is like that — everybody in the movie and the audience knows full well that werewolves imprint on the person they will mate with for life.

Which — sorry — is just really wrong. I don't care if Renesmee is supernatural and grows up really fast so that all the kiddie porn overtones are destined to go away in a few years (we find out that half-bloods like Renesmee mature at the age of 7). You're still left with a love story between an infant and a full-grown man who should probably just have taken the plunge with Mustache Dad instead. At one point, Alice shares a vision of the future with us where Renesmee and Jacob are together as adults, meeting Edward and Bella on the beach. Yay, they are all grown up now so it's OK! But no, it's really not OK. It will never be OK.

As fun as these movies are, and as engrossing as it is to give ourselves over to the house porn and action figure silliness, the troubling fact is that the whole shiny edifice of Mary Sue indulgence here is built to cover up one of the most disturbing fantasies that pop culture has concocted in quite some time.