Every year Hallmark releases a treasure trove of Christmas ornaments, many of them nerdy as all get-out. This holiday season alone, there are ornaments from the Avengers movie, The Dark Knight Rises, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Star Trek, just to name a few! Of course, some of Hallmark's ornaments are simply cute and heartfelt, a.k.a. dull. But sometimes… sometimes an ornament comes along that makes you wonder just what the hell is happening in the deepest recesses of the Hallmark company. These are those ornaments.
Darth Vader Peekbuster
Ignoring how very, very perverse the word "peekbuster" sounds, remember that for 98% of his time on-screen in the films, Vader was an evil, evil dude who would kill you long before he gave you a gift. And even if you're pretending that Vader has somehow gotten swept up in the Christmas spirit, why on Naboo is his lightsaber drawn and extended? Somebody's getting an Obi-Wan special for Christmas, that's why. Oh, I should point out the ornament says two lines: "The Force is strong with you, but it is not Christmas yet" and "You will peek again; it is your destiny." So maybe we shouldn't ignore the word "peekbuster."
You definitely can't ignore the phrase "Pooh-koo," as there is absolutely no way it isn't a sexual euphemism for the most disgusting, disturbing scatological sex act you can possibly think of. I'm going to assume it involves a tiny doll of oneself, like the tiny Pooh that regular-sized Pooh has imprisoned in the clock. If you think I'm reading too much into this, please wait until you get to the last entry before you start defending Pooh's "innocence."
Actually, the idea of a dinosaur ornament is pretty cool, although it makes me wonder if the Hallmark ornamenteers have just given the fuck up and are sticking an ornament hook on anything nowadays. But that doesn't explain why this Tyrannosaurs has glowing red eyes. Not light-up eyes, mind you; eyes that have been painted glowing red. Obviously, this is a cyborg dinosaur that has been sent to the present to wipe out humanity. And while that's awesome, I'd say it still makes for a highly inappropriate ornament.
Edward and Bella's Wedding
I would think that any ornament commemorating the Twilight movies and their ridiculous, obsequious love story would be disturbing enough, but I really included this just to point out we are only a few years away from an ornament of Bella and her magic demon fetus clawing its way out of her belly. You know it's happening.
Let's Get It On
This ornament has a sound chip which plays - and I swear I am not making this up - Marvin Gaye's sexual anthem "Let's Get It on." Meaning Hallmark has made an ornament of a Gingerbread man and a glass of milk getting ready to fuck the shit out of each other. Oh my god, is this what allowing gay marriage has led us to?! The Tea Party was right!!!
Quick Curl Barbie Beauty Center
I know this is based on a classic Barbie toy, but there's no way this thing wasn't referred to as "A Serial Killer's First Ornament" in the Hallmark offices. "Remember, kids! Once you sever your victim's head, it's up to you to keep them pretty! Use your mother's make-up, and don't skimp! Especially after week four or so."
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
What better way to celebrate the spirit of Christmas than with an ornament of an alien that looks like a giant sentient scrotum, and whose adventures on earth consisted of drinking beer, dressing in women's clothing, and trying to abduct young children? I fucking hate E.T.
What Happens at Granma's Stays at Granma's
Either Granma lives in Vegas or it is tremendously easy to hire a prostitute at Granma's.
Me No Angel!
Aaaaand the Looney Tunes' Tazmanian Devil is dead. Why wouldn't you want to commemorate his demise on your tree? My favorite part is his expression; this is not the look of a man - er, animal - that died peacefully of natural causes. No, he died young, and he's still pissed about it. I'd bet anything Bugs Bunny murdered him. Still, for a species actually called "devils," I'd think he'd be happier about getting to go to heaven.
Everything Is Honey
We all know Winnie the Pooh likes his honey, although I imagine most of us assumed he only enjoyed eating it. But not so! He also likes pouring it over his body and wallowing in it! He likes letting it seep between his fingers and toes and ass cheeks! While in a bee costume! Just look at the smile on his face. There's only one reason someone sitting in a pool of honey would be beaming like that, and that's because the sensation is providing him an orgiastic pleasure that most people never even dream of. Given Pooh's well-documented love of honey, it's clearly the only logical explanation. Unless, of course, Pooh is a urophiliac and he's actually playing in a puddle of urine.