How to injure your genitals like an American

From a recent issue of the Journal of Urology comes a list that's guaranteed to make you wince: a ranking of consumer products most commonly associated with genitourinary injuries and emergency room visits in the United States.

The study, led by UCSF urologist Herman Bagga, looks at genital injuries between 2002 and 2010, in an estimated 142,144 adults (~16,000 injuries per year, pretty consistently, according to the data). The goal of the study? "To describe the epidemiological features of adult genitourinary injuries related to consumer products and determine patient cohorts, products, and situations associated with increased GU injury risk." Translation: Genitals in the United States are under attack, and these products/activities are the most common assailants:

  1. Bicycles (1,212 ER visits)
  2. Razors, scissors and clippers (1,089 ER visits)
  3. Zippers (951 ER visits)
  4. Bathroom falls and mishaps (818 ER visits)
  5. Basketball (309 ER visits)
  6. Baseball and softball (240 ER visits)
  7. Skiing and snowboarding (182 ER visits)

Nowhere in the article do the authors call explicit attention to the risks of "running across the room and trying to penetrate [your partner] with a flying leap," though the list of physicians' notes are pretty excellent, if grimace-inducing. Two prime examples, which — in our humble opinion — sound a little like creative cover-up explanations for otherwise embarrassing or incriminating escapades:

  • VAGINAL INJURY FROM SLIPPING AND HIGH HEEL SHOE WENT INTO VAGINA.
  • 18 PT WAS AT A PARTY DANCING AND WAS ACCIDENTLY KNEED IN THE PENIS BY DANCE PARTNER CONTUSION PENIS.

BAM. Contusion penis. My third-favorite dance move. Also, the first description is way more hilarious/awful when you note that the physician didn't bother to specify what part of the high heel shoe "WENT INTO VAGINA." Careless omission, or is it just implied (I mean... we're talking about the heel, right?)? Or did some hapless woman really slip and envelop an entire stiletto? The mind reels.

[The Journal of Urology via The Atlantic]