The Total Recall remake and the newest Resident Evil movie dominate this week's DVD and Blu-ray releases. Say, do you know the difference between Total Recall director Len Wiseman and Resident Evil's Paul W.S. Anderson?
...that's not a joke. I'm genuinely asking. They make impossibly bland, effects-heavy genre movies and they're both married to super-hot actresses who star in pretty much all their films. Have Milla Jovovitch and Kate Beckinsale ever compared notes? Has anyone ever seen Wiseman and Anderson in the same room together?
• Total Recall
See the pic at the top of the article? Colin Farrell got to touch butts with Jessica Biel, and was paid money to do so. And conversely, Biel was paid money to touch butts with Farrell. Either way, nice work if you can get it.
• Resident Evil: Retribution
The newest installment of Paul W.S. Anderson's elaborate Resident Evil fan fiction, starring his wife Milla Jovovich, comes to home video.
• The Resident Evil Collection
Seriously, do you want to know the difference between Paul W.S. Anderson's Resident Evil movies and some kid who writes fan fic about herself battling the Umbrella corporation alongside Leon Kennedy? The kid's fan fic probably bears a closer resemblance to the actual Resident Evil games.
• Masters of the Universe: 30th Anniversary Limited Edition
This set contains all of the ‘80s He-Man series, all of the ‘00s He-Man series, and the 20 "best" episodes of the ‘90s He-Man series. Is it just me, or is that insane? You've already crammed 22 DVDs in this thing; would including the remaining 45 New Adventures of He-Man episodes really have broken the bank? I'd rather have them than the ‘80s cartoon soundtrack and the "Fans of MotU" documentary disc in this set, if only for completeness' sake.
• Steins:Gate Complete Series, Part 2
I was kind of hoping this was about a gate staffed entirely by Frankenstein monsters, but that's apparently not the case. It's about a young mad scientist who can send text messages through time.
• Tenchi Muyo: OVA Collection
The beloved ‘90s anime comes to Blu-ray for the first time, and DVD for like the 80-bazillionth time. And they're packaged together, for your convenience! Whee!
• One Piece: Season Four, Voyage 3
I could try to explain what happens in this set, but if you're gong to buy it you already know, and if you aren't buying it, me explaining isn't going to help. Suffice to say One Piece rules and if you're interested in checking it out start from the beginning of the anime or the manga.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The three individual live-action TMNT movies comes to Blu-ray, but not for the first time. Apparently Sam Rockwell starred in this movie as "Head Thug." No doubt he still lists this role at the top of his resumé.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
How has there never been a porn flick with the subtle "The Secret of the Ooze"? Seems like a lost opportunity. Or has there? You know, I think I'm not going to do a Google search to find out.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time
You know what I bet Japan loves? When America makes samurai movies. I'm sure they appreciate our sensitive, well-researched interpretations of their history, like the time four anthropomorphic turtles went back in time to feudal Japan to teach samurai how to make pizza.
• Android Insurrection
As one Amazon reviewer put it, "This flick is notable for one thing only: Having the only R-rated production logo I have ever screened." Goddammit, now I kind of want to see it.