You know the deal: the world is ending today, Mayan Calendar, yadda yadda. You also know that it's extremely unlikely the world will crack in two later today, and that's a good thing, because the future looks pretty great. More Star Wars, Star Trek, Marvel movies, Doctor Who's 50th, Adventure Time, Justice League, and everything else? There's a lot of things to look forward to. But on the off chance that the Mayans were right, here's a few awful things you can console yourself you'll be missing.
1) Michael Bay's Next Transformers Movie
Michael Bay should have never been allowed to go near another movie camera after the cinematic atrocity that was Revenge of the Fallen, but not only was he permitted to make Dark of the Moon, but he's planning on directing Transformers 4, too. Futhermore, former star Shia La Boeuf has been replaced by Mark Wahlberg, a decent actor in small roles with great directors, and a giant hunk of balsawood otherwise. Transformers 4 should be a very special kind of hell, and one we won't mind missing out on.
2) The Impending Death of Your Favorite Elderly Pop Culture Icon
You may substitute your own favorite elderly sci-fi and fantasy pop culture icons here - Leonard Nimoy, Frederick Pohl, whoever. At some point these wonderful people are going to die, and it's just going to be horrible. For me, it's Christopher Lee, and I wake up afraid every single morning to check my computer for fear of finally seeing the headline. I would not mind never seeing it.
3) The Hunger Games' Rue Controversy
Hey, do you remember the nonsense that erupted earlier this year when latent racists were furious to find out that the beloved Hunger Games character Rue, the little tribute from District 11, was revealed in the movie to not be porcelain white? I do, and it was awful. People felt they'd been "tricked" into caring for a black character, and somehow felt it was okay to say this out loud as if it didn't make them terrible, terrible people. I don't know what mind-bogglingly depressing controversies we'll miss if the world ends later today, but my god, those people deserve to have their planet blow up, no matter the collateral damage.
4) There's No Way We're Getting Hoverboards by 2015
We've had 23 years to get our shit together since Back to the Future II premiered, and we're not a damn bit closer to having hoverboards in 2015 than we were in 1989. That's the only thing you had to do for us, science - hover technology. Sure, all that disease-curing is great, but you lost sight of the bigger picture. What good is being alive if there are no gravity-defying skateboards to ride around on? No good at all, that's what.
5) The Cancellation of Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes
Marvel had the perfect cartoon. Avengers' Earth Mightiest Heroes was Marvel's belated answer to DC's wonderful animated universe, and was actually measuring up. The plots were epic, the characterizations perfect - the show was going through the hits of the Marvel comic universe, streamlining them for new fans but not dumbing them down, and packing in more than enough Marvel minutia to please the most hardcore fan. The cartoon frequently improved upon its comics origins - Hank Pym was suddenly empathetic, Secret Invasion was less of a mess, and it even made Red Hulk bearable. And it wasn't just about the Avengers; the entire Marvel universe stopped by, including Spider-Man, Wolverine and the Fantastic Four. It was the cartoon Marvel fans have been waiting their entire lives for, and Jeph Loeb canceled it to make something that will almost certainly be worse. Bleh.
6) The Likelihood That The Hobbit Trilogy Is Going to End Up Mediocre
You've seen An Unexpected Journey. How good do you feel about the possibility of the second two movies reaching the glory of the Lord of the Rings trilogy? Yeah, me neither.
7) The Spider-Man Comic Fiasco
The issue with the twist that sent lunatic fans into a homicidal rage still isn't out yet - it'll be available on the 26th, you know, presuming - but the fact remains there's a great many people on this planet who seem to be willing to kill based on things that happen in a comic book. It's not just the mind-boggling lack of a sense of proportions, it's that these comic fans so fundamentally misunderstand their own medium that just cries for the extinction of the human race.
8) Games of Thrones Season 3
I refuse to say anything about this, in case the world doesn't end and I spoil it for anybody. Everyone who's read A Storm of Swords knows what I'm talking about though, right? ‘Course you do.
9) San Diego Comic Con Is a Nightmare Now
SDCC is no longer any fun. It's not even that exciting. The only way you can see the exclusive clips is to wait 8+ hours in a line, which prevents you from doing anything else. The exclusive collectibles are almost impossible to get, everything else you can buy online, and there's not even that much news being announced there anymore. And at night, the 18 bazillion nerds in San Diego's Gaslamp district make eating and drinking an enormous hassle. What was once Nerd Mecca has turned into Nerd Hell.
Has anyone noticed how real life has seemed extra terrible lately? From gun violence to climate change, from the economy to education, every seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. And the tragedy is that while things in the Western world are kind of crappy, the rest of the planet has it infinitely worse. It's a bit too depressing to go into the specifics, but yeah, if the skies start raining blood later today, there's going to be a bit of a silver lining.
11) Ridley Scott's Blade Runner Sequel
Here's the thing about sequels: The better the original, the more likely the sequel is going to fail to live up to it. The other thing about sequels: The longer you wait to do one, the invariably worse the sequel will be. So now that Ridley Scott has announced he's making a sequel to his nigh-perfect 1981 film Blade Runner, we should all be absolutely terrified. At best - at best - Blade Runner will not be an atrocity that distracts from the greatness of the original. But that's not going to happen. It's going to be terrible, and we'll never ever be able to watch the original Blade Runner again without thinking of whatever nonsense will happen in the sequel. If it's time to die later today, I am completely content with the Blade Runner sequel being lost in time, like tears in the rain.