This is what happens when you give fairy tale characters guns on Once Upon A Time

Last night was pretty dramatic on Once Upon A Time — thank goodness, because I thought these people were going to continue to talk and talk and talk (mostly about Regina). But now the cast is moving into action, fighting each other — not to mention those new time-wasting fire cat monsters. Spoilers ahead.

Before I get started, one quick question. Is there some contract everyone had to sign, to work with Hook? Because just about everyone Hook talks to winds up (at max) one foot away from his head. It's... weird. Just thought I would point it out.

The biggest scene from last night — Belle gets shot! After all this time tinkering with his hook, and all that swashbuckling, Hook uses a gun to shoot Belle. Poor Belle! The shot pushes Belle over the magical town line that was created just so there could be some arbitrary obstacle that would contain the cast for the last few episodes. And blammo, Belle's memories vanish. The whole thing is very unfortunate for Rumpelstiltskin, but more on that later.

This is what happens when you give fairy tale characters guns on Once Upon A TimeS

First, we've got a cricket to bury. Instead of showing him in a shoebox and burying him next to the dead cat, Jiminy the human gets a real funeral. With real funeral hats.

This is what happens when you give fairy tale characters guns on Once Upon A TimeS

Snow and the human equivalent to a blonde sex scone are in mourning. Henry is in mourning. Hell everyone is in mourning. So Snow proposes a change of scenery. Let's move out, she cries, because last week my daughter and my grandson walked in on us having sex! This is a sensible plan. Alas Snow is slowly turning into the only sensible person in Storybrooke. Charming doesn't want to "settle down" in the real world. To which Snow White says, "Bitch, I just got back from fairy land and they don't have flushing toilets and charmin. We're moving on with our lives." Emma is horrified — why don't her horny parents want to live in the same house with her? And Henry continues being just a shade less creepy then the kids in The Shining by drawing up blueprints to their new home. Something children totally do all the time.

Beebadeepba, they get nowhere with their decisions. Meanwhile, Hook tries to get information as to the whereabouts of the Dark Ones dagger from Belle. This doesn't go exactly as planned, but Hook does manage to steal another trinket which will prevent Rumps from crossing over into the real world. Because that's another thing being juggled in this episode. Rumps wants to go find his son, and has concocted a potion that will allow him to cross over the special line. You just need to enchant your most treasured possession — which is in fact NOT the dagger, but the son's cloak. SHEESH.

This is what happens when you give fairy tale characters guns on Once Upon A TimeS

But wait, there's more! There's still time for a fairy tale flashback, because there's a whole hour to fill. Cut back to Belle in the bar drinking with Dreamy (not yet grumpy because that hasn't happened yet — because that's important for reasons I can't fathom). Belle decides to go on an adventure to catch a fire cat. AS YOU DO.

This is what happens when you give fairy tale characters guns on Once Upon A TimeS

Naturally, she will need to change. So she puts on these very supportive adventure clothes.

This is what happens when you give fairy tale characters guns on Once Upon A TimeS

On the mission she outsmarts a bunch of menfolk, meets Mulan, and makes the rest of the Enchanted Forest uncomfortable, as we all attempt not to stare. After she wins the battle with the fire cat, the monster turns into Prince Phillip. Remember Prince Philip? Of course you don't.

Honestly, I think I've grown tired of the fairytale flashback stories that go nowhere. Still, "Tallahassee" was a good episode. I think I've grown to like my fairy tales a little bit more when they're in the real world. Everything that happens on Earth appears to be more permanent. It certainly looks a lot better (no aggressive greenscreen and CG) and is new! I would like more real-world magic moments. Lots of them.

This is what happens when you give fairy tale characters guns on Once Upon A TimeS

So after Belle's sidestory concludes, there's still the matter of Hook and Rumps' big showdown. First Rumps shows up and just beats the ever-loving hell out of Hook. And the pirate doesn't even fight back. It's very strange. Perhaps it was because he had better, much more revengey, plans awaiting the crocodile.

I will admit watching Rumps get all sorts of pissed was terribly sad, and then terribly exciting. A showdown! We're all set to watch these two have at it — but alas a car careens into Storybrooke interrupting the fight. Which is good because someone probably needs to bring memory-wiped Belle to the hospital anyway.