Last night's Once Upon A Time was exceptionally frustrating. I never thought I would say this but, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, DOCTOR FRANKENSTEIN, GO AWAY. So much good was just thrown out — but at least we know where Regina has been keeping all of her fabulous dresses. So there's that.
Last night, the audience was treated to a very unnecessary fairytale flashback about Victor Frankenstein. This story was so completely and utterly worthless. In this flashback, we learned that the monster is actually his brother and his father is some sort of overly emotive cartoon nightmare. At one point in the real world, Victor loses his nerve and tries to commit suicide, because this show is an hour long and there is SPACE TO FILL. Did I like the monster-to-monster talk between Victor and Red the werewolf? Sure. That was cool. But overall, it was pointless. Dr. Whale (Victor) was a lot more fun when he was diddling Snow White. Can we have that guy back? Because this self-conscious town doctor sucks.
All of this drama was wrapped around another plot peg: Preston Meyers' car crash and Cora's new plans. You see, Ethan Embry crashed into town. And the villagers of Storybrooke, a place where being a slut is a crime worthy of banishment, want to let him die, because they're all scared their magic secrets will attract scientists who will dissect them like the mermaid in Splash or the alien in ET. You know THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN MOVIES. Truly, Storybrooke is filled with the absolute best sort of people. Everyone is afraid of this unconscious character named Greg. Greg, who has someone in his phone as "her." Greg, who takes pictures of his food. Greg, who has the Star Wars theme as a ring for his phone (Disney's flexing its just-bought-LucasFilm muscles now).
And speaking of that Star Wars ringtone, just how long until Luke Skywalker shows up on Once Upon a Time? Henry made a huge deal pointing out that Doctor Frankenstein is NOT from the Enchanted Forest, so who knows what other fantasy characters will show up? With the way this show throws plots like spaghetti against the wall, hoping one will stick, I really wouldn't be that shocked to see Accountant Darth Vader show up sometime soon. It would make just as much sense as Gus the mouse.
The one thing the episode did have going for it was the return of pissed off Rumpelstiltskin. With Belle's memory wiped, the poor crocodile tries to true-love's-kiss her brain back, and is only met with terrible results. Eventually, Belle flips out and smashes their beloved Chip the cup. Aw, does that mean that Chip the character is dead too? I felt for Rumple — but at least Belle's brain lapse allowed mean Rumple to come back and threaten to kill everyone if Emma didn't guide him into the real world, in hopes of finding his boy. Awesome — finally some action. And as I've said before, this show is at its best when it forces fairy tale characters to deal with the real world. More of this please.
Meanwhile Captain Hook continues his job of only speaking in sex innuendos.
And Regina reveals that she has a fabulous closet full of her old dresses. Sadly all the hard work Regina did this season is quickly flushed down the toilet when Cora shows up. The mother and daughter are reunited because Cora knows how to make Henry love her again, and Regina believes her, because her mom is aces with that love stuff.
Eventually, the nefarious Greg who takes selfies along the coast of Maine wakes up and pretends not to have seen any of that magic stuff that caused him to wreck his car. This was a lie, and now "her" knows about the magical world of Storybrooke as well. Whoever "her" is. Sigh. I'll admit I laughed out loud when Emma stopped everyone in Stroybrooke from interrogating him in his hospital bed, reminding them all to act "normal." But then Emma herself proceeds to walk around Greg's room like a cat with little booties on. Oh dear.
Thank goodness, the Rumple and Emma road trip sounds awesome. Let's just put a cork in all this other nonsense and focus on Emma and Bae, the reunion. I'm still hoping that Bae is Emma's smoking hot old boyfriend Neal Cassidy. Who could also be Peter Pan. I have so much riding on this character reveal, I'm nervous.
In the end, this episode was just kind of fluff to fill in the parts between Rumple's return to the dark side. I'm happy to have him back, even if that did mean kissing Cora, which — YIKES, that was uncomfortable. Here's hoping Regina's team up with Cora is all an act.
Best line of the night: "Emma and Henry and the two idiots."