American Horror Story Burns A Witch Down

Witch burnings, or just another excuse to trot out a new collection of fabulous, black headwear? Seriously can we talk about American Horror Story's collection of hats already?

Sorry this review is late, the computer ate my dingo baby, or something. You know how it is these days. So let's get to it. This was kind of another filler episode. But again, even when American Horror Story is bad, it's great (TAKE NOTES ONCE UPON A TIME).

So let's get into this. What did we learn? Well, we learned that Kathy Bates was both a horrible bitch to her slaves, and to her children...

Why was this revealed? Was this just another excuse to climb back into the torture attic and roll out the terrible torture porn and rotting flesh from her menagerie of bloody slaves? I was good on the whole LaLaurie is a bad person idea. Nevertheless, here we find ourselves again. Watching this woman turn her evil eye onto her spawn.

American Horror Story Burns A Witch Down

At first, I thought this backstory was created in order to humanize the rotting corpses witch adversary Marie Laveau yanked out of the ground. It's a clever twist, turning your own undead children against you. But alas, the zombie folk were quickly disposed of by Zoe and a chainsaw. No hate on the chainsawing; that was great. I just didn't find a connection to the entire zombie act. We've seen this before.

Perhaps American Horror Story desperately wants us to sympathize with LaLaurie. Was I supposed to feel pain for her as she drove a spike through her undead daughter's back? Sorry, that's going to be impossible you put people in cages, shoved shit in their mouths, and sewed them shut. There will be no redemption for you here. No matter how kind you are to Queenie LaLaurie.

Thankfully, American Horror Story is so much more than cheap ploys for love from undead girls. Because after the whole zombie story is said and done, LaLaurie turns to Fiona and says, "Maybe our shared tragedies will bring us closer together." To which Fiona retorts, "I doubt it. You are, after all, the maid." FUCK YEAH, FIONA.

What we did learn from this whole walker kerfuffle is that Zoe is CLEARLY the new Supreme. And is much stronger than anyone anticipated... interesting.

Moving on. The other (much more interesting) plot line was the burning of the red-headed witch Myrtle Snow. Who was caught LITERALLY red-handed with acid on her hands in front of the Coven, thus connecting her to the blinding and disfiguring of Cordelia. Verdict: BURN THE WITCH.

How terribly awesome was watching Fiona flip the shit out on Myrtle in front of the Coven?

American Horror Story Burns A Witch Down

Alas, IT WAS ALL A RUSE. Fiona faked caught with your hand in the acid jar with the help of Queenie. So if that was Fiona fake mad, I cannot wait to see her mad, mad. This is going to be fantastic.

So everyone dresses up in their best black hoods and hats (loving Queenie's hood here) and heads off to the official witch burning station, which was cleverly prepared with gravel so only the post and the victim would burn. This show thinks of everything. Myrtle gives up her long battle with being the odd one out, but not before giving a heartbreaking speech about being a loaner within the only place she ever felt she belonged (it was sad).

And Fiona lights the fire off of her cigarette. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES.

American Horror Story Burns A Witch Down

The end, but not really because Stevie Witch shows up and brings Myrtle back to life. Because that's what she does. Remaining thoughts:

  • We still don't know who the real culprit was behind the acid throwing. I want to say it's someone looking for vengeance. Possibly one of Cordelia Foxx's husband's victims or someone related to one of his victims. What's the deal with him anyway? His whole role is completely *wildly gestures hand in the air* style.
  • Queenie thinks she's the Supreme. We all know who the real Supreme is. Anyone kind of bummed it wasn't Nan?
  • Speaking of Nan, my money is next week Nan and whats-his-face get some quality screen time.
  • Holy shit, that scene where Fiona brings back the baby? WHAT WAS THAT?

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