American Horror Story raises the dead, and probably has sex with it

Even when American Horror Story is bad...it's still pretty freakin' great.


Last night's Halloween special was really nothing special. Besides the winking Minotaur head, this whole episode was really just created for an experiment in Gif making. I mean why else would they have this:

American Horror Story raises the dead, and probably has sex with it

Via Panda Whale.

Hell, I'm not complaining I could watch Fiona try on hats and smoke cigarettes every day for 47 minutes. No really, that should be a channel. I would call it Smoking Hot Bitches. And every hour, on the hour, the latest Zooey Deschanel would be hoisted out, and offer up the tender side of her white underarms to classic bitches like Angela Bassett and Lange. In return, they would put out their cigarettes on her exposed limbs. AND SHE WOULD SAY THANK YOU.

So what DID we learn from this week? Well, we learned that there's nothing scarier than a man with a collection of dolls:

American Horror Story raises the dead, and probably has sex with it

*SHUDDER*

We also learned that the Witchy Council is made up a collection of old cast members from Will and Grace. This feels a little like straight people doing gay, but went swinging right back into authentic gay when the little one on the left started bitching about "get me off of the bestseller list already." Aw, I bet this is what it's like to live in LA.

But seriously, Leslie Allen Jordan is a gem. A GEM. We welcome you into the American Horror Story club. Here is your fancy hat and a cigarette.

American Horror Story raises the dead, and probably has sex with it

Let's see, let's see. We learned that Fiona has been bad for most of her life, and the formerly delightful Dennis O'Hare slit his own tongue to save her magic hide. And now he's keeping dead Madison in his doll room in her underwear. It is... upsetting.

American Horror Story raises the dead, and probably has sex with it

The backstory for Fiona wasn't terribly surprising. Neither was the war the writer's room has been slowly building up to. We're totally in for witchy war, even if it means zombies (but really, zombies???). Good on AHS for at least attempting to turn this overdone monster into something more by sending Lalarie's own dead daughters after her. Cute. But over all, I'm just rubbing my hands together salivating over the Craft-like witch showdown between Lange and Bassett. It's going to be so good.

And finally, it turns out Cordelia Foxx's husband is a no-good-cheating-so-and-so who killed that sexy redhead from the first season. I'm going to be crazy pissed if Sarah Paulson's gorgeous face is now horribly mangled from the totally terrible bathroom acid flinging. That was totally left field, and truly horrific. Was this the powerhouse Halloween special we were expecting? Nay. But then again, Jessica Lange in a witch hat, ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?