Being Human takes us on the worst vampire-ghost date of all time

Crumb is back on this week's episode of Being Human, and he's set his sights on Alex. So which is worse, being quietly manipulated by the Devil, or having a romantic fish supper with Crumb?

"Are we ever truly safe?" Hal asks Alex at one point in this episode. "Can we ever properly assimilate?"

The roommates attempt to prove that being human is truly a possibility by bringing in some of their more feral brethren. First Mr. Rook pawns Bobby the werewolf off on Tom while Rook is off trying to secure funding for his department. Then Alex and Hal retrieve Crumb and Alan, who have turned into the vampiric equivalent of meth heads, gaining much of their sustenance by ordering pizza and then draining the pizza boys. Suddenly, our trio has a trio of new roommates.

Being Human takes us on the worst vampire-ghost date of all time

Bobby is by far the most agreeable of the three. Tom initially resents being stuck with the traumatized, childlike werewolf, but Alex and Hal goad him into taking him to the hotel by accusing him of being a snob. It might take Bobby a while to learn the ropes, but he's really nice fellow who has simply never had anyone to look up to. It's interesting to contrast Tom's mentorship of Bobby with Larry Chrysler's crappy fake mentorship of Tom in the previous episode. While Tom may have wanted a werewolf mentor of his very own, but he gets through to Bobby by listening to him and showing someone cares about what he has to say—and maybe lying a bit about his CV. Once again, Tom gets the sweetest scenes in this series.

Domesticating vampires is another matter altogether. Hal puts them through the "breaking the bloodlust" routine, tying Crumb and Alan to chairs so they can suffer through the vampire shakes without killing anyone. But he adds a twist, placing two glasses on the table before them: one filled with human blood and the other filled with toxic werewolf blood. One will kill your body, he tells them; the other will kill your soul. That's Chekov's werewolf's blood right there. You can be sure it will come back in the final act.

Being Human takes us on the worst vampire-ghost date of all time

Crumb isn't so keen on quitting blood, but he is keen on Alex. He begins hallucinating that Alan is the last woman he killed, and Crumb's self-conscious is as mean to him as any real person has ever been. Just to shut up the belittling, emasculating voice, Crumb grabs a chair leg and stabs the hallucination, staking Alan in reality. Thus died Crumb's only friend.

Hal starts leading Crumb through the rest of his twelve step program, but his heart just isn't in it. The first time he tried this with Crumb, he was desperate. Now, he's shaken by his own lapses into violence. He begins to suspect that he's not actually helping Crumb; he's just staving off the monster for a while.

Hal confides his doubts in Alex, but only halfway. He gives her pretty rhetorical questions, but doesn't confess that he recently murdered a werewolf in their living room. It's no wonder that she fails to understand the severity of his existential panic. She decides she's going to prove to Hal that the undead can live perfectly normal lives by consenting to a "crap date" with Crumb.

And my, how crappy that date is. I sort of feel for Crumb; it's clear that he never developed the social tools that make second dates possible. (Plus, there's the whole bit about him killing everyone he's ever loved.) But he truly bombs the date. By the time Crumb gets around to ordering dinner, Alex knows all of Crumb's favorite cheeses. It's not clear that he knows anything about Alex other than that she'll never get fat. He's the anti-Tom.

Being Human takes us on the worst vampire-ghost date of all time

Meanwhile, Rook is starting to feel a bit redundant. Bobby's found a new friend in Tom. Crumb appears to be rehabilitating. What is the man who protects Britain from monsters to do? That's where the Devil steps in. Captain Hatch pretends to be an unfortunate who was once rescued from vampires by the Men in Gray, and starts whispering in Rook's ear over cards and booze. Such a shame your department is closing, Mr. Rook. Shouldn't those bureaucrats get a taste of the horrors they'll see once you're gone? Rook agrees. After all, this is the same man who made Crumb kill his own sister and niece to prove a point. Horribly, he traps Bobby in the hotel during the full moon, causing Bobby to change in the hotel and unleashing him upon the guests.

When wolfed-out Bobby appears in the hotel dining room, it's Crumb's last chance to be a hero. Instead, he wets himself. Hal handles the situation and is ready to return to status quo, complete with a cover story about the hotel being flooded. Crumb, however, has other plans, tying Hal up in the basement of the house to make Hal feel like a victim for a change. It's hard to say if Crumb had any sort of an endgame in mind; he seems to be acting out rather than trying to achieve anything concrete. But whatever Crumb had in mind, it quickly goes awry when Hal's evil side pops in to say hello. This is the same part of Hal that killed Larry Chrysler. This is the monster.

Being Human takes us on the worst vampire-ghost date of all time

Terrified that something so evil might be lurking inside his own being, Crumb proposes a game of vampire Russian Roulette. He and Hal each take one of the glasses of blood. One of them will die, while the other will become the monster that feasts of human blood. Crumb drinks before Hal, however, and gleefully accepts his werewolf blood-borne death. Alex bursts in before, throwing the glass from Hal's hand before he gets a chance to decide whether he'll drink.

What's been sort of lovely about this series of Being Human is that the Devil has influenced our heroes from behind the scenes, pushing and prodding but not quite revealing himself. However, he may have nearly literally overplayed his hand with Rook. The Man in Gray seems to know that something is very wrong with Captain Hatch, and when Rook reveals that his final hand of cards was the trinity of jack, queen, king, Hatch beats him with three sixes. Also, he gets poor Bobby to hang himself in the hotel. While the other characters are quick to explain away Bobby's suicide, Alex knows that it doesn't make any sense. Something else must have happened.

Her suspicions may have come too late, however. After everything with Crumb and Bobby, Hal is less convinced than ever that being human is a possibility for him. He pulls out the flask of blood that Rook gave him at the beginning of the series and drinks it down.