Chick-Fil-A, the disturbingly delicious fast food chicken chain and protector of traditional family values, does not approve of things like gay marriage. They do, apparently, approve of sons and their moms dressing up like knights and queens and then going out on dates together, because they just instituted the infinitely disturbing “Date Knight” promotion.
Yes, at 49 of the company's DC-area restaurants (and select other locations), customers are encouraged — actively encouraged — to dress up in medieval garb and go on mother-son dates to Chik-Fil-A, obviously. From the actual press release sent by the actual company:
"During this special medieval-themed evening, moms and their sons are encouraged to spend some time together while they enjoy dinner, great conversation and several special activities. Every Mother-Son pair will also receive a place mat with fun questions and topics to get the conversation started, and a take-home booklet that provides ideas for future dates and questions that both moms and their sons can ask each other.”
As an investigate reporter, I discovered some of the questions featured in this booklet, that mothers and sons can ask each other over their delicious, God-fearing chicken sandwiches:
• "Why are we doing this?"
• "Is something wrong with us?"
• "Will no one else date us? Is that the problem?"
• "How far can you expect to get with your mom on a first date? Like, what base? Assuming we hit it off?"
• "How much did Chick-fil-A have to pay to purchase the domain name MotherSonDate.com, where the happy 'couples' can reserve a table for their 'dates,' and how much completely terrifying pornography was on the site before they bought it?"
• "What kind of people would reserve a table at a fast food restaurant? I mean, besides the kind of people that want to have sex with their moms?"
• "Why the medieval theme?"
• "Specifically, why the medieval theme when one of the most popular shows in America is Game of Thrones, which is not only full of enough violence, sex and nudity to make Chick-Fil-A CEO S. Truett Cathy's head explode with its sheer depravity, but stars the main royal mother-son pairing, Cersei and Joffrey, in which Joffrey is already a product of incest?"
• "On that note, why call it a 'date' at all? Why not call it anything less creepy, like a meet-up, or bonding time, or a family appointment or something?"
• "Does Chick-fil-A not know the the mother-son date thing would be creepy enough on its own, but adding the medieval cosplay just makes it feel like perversion of the highest order?"
• "Even you somehow believe if gay marriage (which Chick-Fil-A actually spends its profit to protest) would somehow harm the sanctity of traditional traditional marriage, wouldn't the Oedipal nightmare of sons trying to 'date' their mothers be infinitely more harmful? Especially since in most cases, these mothers would still be married to the fathers, and thus break up actual marraiges?"
• "Seriously, does Chick-Fil-A hate homosexuality so much they would rather watch sons fuck moms amongst a bed of Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets and their accompanying dipping sauces rather than let gay people marry?"
• "Wait, is this just what turns Chick-Fil-A executives on?"
• "Are the Chick-Fil-A executives watching these dates, frantically masturbating behind the deep fryers? Is this what's going on? Is this some sort of bizarre scheme to create incest porn footage that Chick-Fil-A can sell for pure profit?"
• "They're going to put the footage of MotherSonDate.com when this is all over, aren't they?"
Obviously, I kid the super-creepy, incredibly poorly thought-out promotional campaign. Although I will say this: if you insist on taking your mother out on a date, please, for the love of whatever you think holy, take her someplace nicer than Chick-Fil-A.