Everyone's Relationship on Witches of East End Is FUCKED

Name any two characters on Witches of East End, and I'll tell you how their relationship is completely fucked. Because that was the theme of this week. That, and the appearance of James Marsters and Eddie McClintock. Welcome, genre stalwarts, to Witches of East End. It's ridiculous.

Spoilers now...

It's weird that the defeat of the mandragora led to this episode, where everyone seems to be in a worse position than they were last week. And last week had them strung out on venom that made them psychotic.

As is often the case, there were a number of unconnected plots running around this week. Broadly, we had "Killian's Discovery That His Obviously Evil Wife Is Obviously Evil," "The Art Gala Disaster," and "Frederick, His Mom, and His Grandfather (Who Is Trapped In His Chest)."

Killian's Obviously Evil Wife

I've got to hand it to the show here: I did not expect this plot twist. I expected we'd get a more standard "Woman discovers that the wife of the man she loves is evil and no one believes her because they think she's just jealous" plot. So having Killian find it out all on his own? And discovering that he might have found it out several times and had his memory wiped? This was much more interesting.

First, Killian and Eva's marathon sex session (She wants him to give her a baby, remember?) is interrupted when she suddenly looks like this to him:

Everyone's Relationship on Witches of East End Is FUCKED

BECAUSE SHE HAS A SECRET, AND IT MUST ALSO BE THAT SHE'S LITERALLY HIDING HER TRUE SELF. GET IT?

Killian then receives a message written on his shower mirror that says, "Don't Trust Eva Check Your Phone." Yes, written like that. No, I don't know where the capital letters came from.

On the phone is a video message from Killian himself, warning him that Eva has them under control somehow and "most important, you don't even love her. You love Freya." Um, dude. Love's important and all, but it can absolutely take a back seat to the fact that you've married someone who has spelled you into compliance and, even though you've managed to figure this out before, she's dragged you back and made you forget. Priorities, Killian: First, break free of the evil lady. Then you can figure out who you really love.

Killian, however, is not the smart member of his family. Because — again, remember that the video is proof that Eva can make him forget this stuff — Killian doesn't get help or pretend he doesn't know what happened until he defeat her. No. He confronts Eva immediately and she magicslaps his ass so fast that he past selves'll feel it.

So, in this corner, we have a powerful magical being who calmly does this:

Everyone's Relationship on Witches of East End Is FUCKED

And in this corner, we have Killian reacting to her flinging her magic blood in his face:

Everyone's Relationship on Witches of East End Is FUCKED

No shock, he loses. And Eva casually lights up a cigar while he writhes on the floor. Then she ups the dose on his forgetfulness powder. This whole plot is creepy, but, man, is Bianca Lawson completely committed to it. (Here's something fun: With the plot, Killian and Ingrid have both spent this season being used for sex and having their memories erased by evil magic. Ingrid officially has a lot more in common with Freya's love interests than Freya does.)

The Art Gala Disaster

Wendy gets an invite to a gala honoring a reclusive artists, and Freya insists on the two of them going. Coincidentally, Dash has invited Ingrid to the same gala. Dash does it as a friend trying to get Ingrid to go out and have some fun after the Madragora attack. He also buys her a couture gown.

Freya is not okay with Ingrid and Dash spending time together, because of all the horrible things Dash said under the venom influence. Also, buying women dresses is apparently Dash's signature move, so Freya doesn't at all buy the "he invited me as a friend" thing.

I kind of love the fight between the sisters. Freya repeats that Dash told her he'd done terrible things, and we know that Ingrid knows he killed a guy. And that she helped him hide the body. So it makes sense that she'd ignore Freya. She thinks she knows what Dash is talking about. She doesn't know he killed the cop killer instead of giving a child back his cancer and she doesn't know that Killian killed the other guy on purpose. But she's not ignoring a warning without reason.

Everyone's Relationship on Witches of East End Is FUCKED

At the gala, Dash is confronted by the father of the blackmailer he killed. And the father knows he had something to do with his son's disappearance. So Dash attacks him with magic, because that's how he rolls now. It looks like a heart attack, and Dash tells Ingrid that the father didn't suspect them. And he goes even further and tells her that he wanted to use magic to save the guy's life.

And with this deft bit of manipulation, compared to Killian's idiocy, Dash is clearly the smarter brother. And he gets to kiss Ingrid. I, as you know, am fully on board these two getting together. In my mind, Dash confesses everything to Ingrid, and the two Bonnie and Clyde it out of East End.

Everyone's Relationship on Witches of East End Is FUCKED

The other mess at the gala is much funnier and involves Wendy. Because it turns out that Wendy's invitation came courtesy of the artist, her three-time husband, Warehouse 13's Pete Lattimer. Who is less of a "tortured reclusive artist" and more of a "magical conman." Whose art is all of Wendy. Art he's spelled to be popular by including her actual hair in each piece.

Everything about these two is hilarious. From "The last time I listened to you, I ended up in Tijuana in a wedding dress while you escaped out the bathroom window from the cops" to "How can I forget Paris? I got shot point blank by someone you scammed."

But the best exchange was when Wendy decided that her ex-husband isn't what she wants anymore. She wants the sexy EMT we haven't seen in forever! So she decides to leave and this happens:

These two are hilarious. They've both got great comedic timing. I still really want the Wendy spin-off where we see her past lives. I bet they're amazing.

Frederick, His Mom, and His Grandfather (Who Is Trapped In His Chest)

Frederick starts this episode having sex with Caroline, a biologist from the local university. Then he has another fit, causing Joanna to run in to help him. Now, the naked girl might seem gratuitous, but she's actually vital. Because Joanna is distracted from the mystery of Frederick's seizures by the fact that she didn't know Frederick was dating anyone. And Wendy knew all the details.

Meanwhile, Frederick gets a visit from another man from the Beauchamps' past: Tarkoff. He's old friend of Joanna and Victor's/minion to the evil king of Asgard. Hey, James Marsters. I bet you meet the same fate as the other Whedon alum who guest starred. (Remember when Enver Gjokaj was on this show? He plunged an axe into his leg and then burned alive.)

Marsters appears on the scene to take Frederick to task for killing the Mandragora, the only way they could find a new host for the king. Who is currently camped out in Frederick's chest, where only he and the telepathic Tarkoff can hear him. Marsters is forced to deliver the line, "To make an omelette, you have to kill some people." He makes it work.

Everyone's Relationship on Witches of East End Is FUCKED

Marsters gives Frederick a potion to depower his mother because even the king worries that her power will thwart their plan. Frederick, Caroline, Joanna, and Tarkoff all end up having dinner together, with Joanna still thinking Tarkoff is an old friend of hers. Frederick can't bring himself to does his mother, and Tarkoff is very disappointed. He plucks a strand of hair from Joanna's head, which, thanks to the Wendy plot, we know can be used for very potent magic.

He also takes the time to torture Frederick, who reminds him that he can't be killed because he's carrying around his grandfather's spirit, Quirrell and Voldemort style.

Everyone's Relationship on Witches of East End Is FUCKED

So the episode ends with Tarkoff in control of Frederick and up to no good with Joanna, Dash on a murder spree and up to no good with Ingrid, and Killian freshly memory wiped and Eva up to no good with him. Everyone is so fucked.

Dash has been going on a murder spree, so his relationship with Ingrid is fucked. Freya's pissed at Ingrid for being with Dash, so they're fucked. Joanna's completely off about Tarkoff and Frederick, so she's fucked. Killian is generally fucked, as his wife's evil, his brother tried to kill him, and the woman he love has vowed to move on. Literally not fucked is Wendy, who is STILL NOT IN BED WITH THE HOT EMT. This is episode 7, and none of us had this late in the season in the pool. Why won't Lifetime let Wendy get her some? Is it punishment for being the best character in the show? That seems patently unfair.