Forget Oblivion, you really want to know what the critics are saying about Scary Movie 5S

There's only one movie coming out this weekend that continues a long-running franchise and features Lindsay Lohan — that's right, Scary Movie 5 is out today. It wasn't screened for critics, and there weren't any midnight showings, but some folks still managed to review it.

Not us, though. We're just not that masochistic. Here's what some other critics want you to know about the latest helping of S/M:

Associated Press calls it "terrible and unfunny, with Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen," and adds:

If you've seen the trailer, you've already seen the most notorious segment, in which Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan enthusiastically – if sadly – make fun of their naughty personas in a clownish opening sex sequence riffing on the "Paranormal Activity" series. It's pretty much all downhill from there.

The filmmakers' desperation is evident from the fact that a good chunk of the running time is devoted to spoofing the recent Jessica Chastain-starrer "Mama." While that film was indeed a sleeper hit, it hardly seems memorable enough to warrant such sustained treatment, and indeed the comic pay-offs are nil.

Over at The Hollywood Gossip, Justin Dweeber explains:

Scary Movie had a reason to exist. It had something to say.

Mainly, “Boy, there sure are a lot of horror movies copying Scream these days.”

But what is Scary Movie 5 saying? I sat through it, and I couldn’t tell you.

It doesn’t look like a horror movie. It doesn’t act like a horror movie. It plays off exactly zero horror movie conventions, and really only makes reference to the horror aesthetic a handful of times.

Variety's Justin Chang adds:

Movies as recent as “Mama” and the “Evil Dead” remake find themselves sent up in “Scary Movie 5,” the numbingly inane if cheerfully up-to-the-minute new entry in a franchise presumed to have breathed its last seven years ago. One scene inspired by “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” features a roomful of chimps hurling their feces at the wall, providing a perhaps unintended metaphor for the writing process behind this unwelcome resurrection.

New York Daily News adds more stuff you missed out on:

There's also an extended joke on "Black Swan" (not quite the same audience, but it gives Molly Shannon a few good moments), a psychic-exorcist character, "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" (which at least brings along a guy in an ape suit), and the just-released "Evil Dead" (you can't say these movies aren't current). Seen for quick wocca-wocca bits are a man as a black woman that looks like Tyler Perry-as-Madea, an "Inception" echo that allows a damn good Leo Dicaprio imitation, and a missed-opportunity "Fifty Shades of Grey" riff, with Jerry O'Connell sleazing it up.

The Catholic News Service categorizes this film as "Morally Offensive," and explains what passes for the film's plot:

By way of prelude, not exactly in the Chopin line, we're treated to scenes of a bedroom liaison between Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Set to music that recalls the antics of British bodice fancier Benny Hill, the scandal-prone duo's exaggerated cavorting is interrupted by a sendup of the "Paranormal Activity" series.

The sketchy plot that follows, principally lifted from Andy Muschietti's horror film "Mama," finds Simon Rex as Sheen's brother Dan adopting his mysteriously deceased sibling's two young daughters and baby son after the orphaned — and now feral — kids spent months isolated in a cabin in the woods. Dan's less-than-willing partner in this enterprise is his rock-musician wife, Jody (Ashley Tisdale).

Dan's scientific work studying the minds of primates leads into a spoof of 2011's "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," while Jody's interest in ballet opens the door for mockery of the previous year's "Black Swan."

And yes, they get points for mentioning Chopin.

The Calgary Herald gives away what sounds like the movie's only funny joke:

The best part of Scary Movie 5 — not counting the part when it’s over — comes near the beginning. Snoop Dogg, one of several whatever-happened-to celebrity cameos, is walking through the forest toward The Cabin the Woods and talking about the, um, inappropriate use of shampoo in the shower. When someone tells him that’s not what shampoo is for, he says, “Then why do they call it Johnson & Johnson?”

Canoe runs down the movie's selling points:

There are lesbian jokes. Explosive poo jokes. Babies hit in the head and lit on fire jokes. There are a couple of crucifix jokes bound to offend somebody somewhere. There's a Cabin in the Woods segment in which people get crazy and chainsaw off their own limbs. Someone bakes a poo pie.

Really, all you had to say was "Someone bakes a poo pie."