This was it: the very last episode of True Blood season six. And not a single moment of it made a lick of sense. However we did get to see that VAMPIRE DONG DA DONG DONG DONG. Spoilers ahead, plus this recap is NSFW for random, dancing vamp breasticles.
The last PRO/CON of the year people, let's do this:
Con: OH MY GOD STILL WITH THIS FUCKING FUNERAL?
Pro: Hey Wig.
Pro: Jesus, that's some wig, isn't it? That, or homeboy went a little nuts on the dry shampoo.
Pro: Nope I can't even listen to anything these two creatures are saying. All I'm hearing is WIG WIG WIG WIG SKINNY PANTS WIG WIG WIG WIG WIG.
Pro: I like that Sookie took her shoes off after the funeral. Heels are hard. Side note: I was recently at a Missouri funeral and a spider the size of a toddler's head crawled up my leg and was heading over my knees during the burial. I had to get it off of me, without screaming or drawing unnecessary attention to my downstairs spider parts. So I pretended to fall, also in heels. One of my heels got stuck in the ground, so I kind of just kicked out violently and bit it. It was the opposite of not drawing attention to myself. Needless to say, I'm a monster, the spider was never seen of again, and in nine months I will probably birth a collection of billowy silken spider egg sacks.
Con: Alcide relates to Sookie's loss by agreeing and saying, "That's what death does... I know this because I just watched a bunch of teens get ripped apart by wolves. What? No, of course I didn't report it to the police! I'm a fucking werewolf. Seriously I ate a person like days ago."
Pro: Alcide smells something. Makes the "I smell something" face. This will never get old.
Con: Alcide's nose alerted us all to the pack of super high day-walking vampires. Honest question: how many times can this show film vampires getting high and dancing around?
Pro: You guys, there are naked vampires jitterbugging on the lawn.
Pro: Where's the super high vampire who wants to eat an entire box of Lucky Charms?
PRO: NORMAL HIGH VAMPIRE STUFF.
PRO: MORE NORMAL VAMPIRE STUFF PEOPLE.
Pro: Big ups to the vampires who asked all the other vampires "Who wants to make a Target run?" The important moment wasn't the question, so much as how it was followed up by the off-camera response from another high vampire, "I will." Good job on answering that important question from a faceless vampire we've never met. Also if "Who wants to go on a Target run?" was in the actual script, I would like to see that page framed, next to the actual scene direction, High vampires jitterbug topless on Vampire Bill's house.
Pro: When Violet drinks Jason, it makes a sucking sound like she's drinking a milkshake... So are these two in love now? Because Violet violated Jason for so long now he likes it? I like her enough, but this relationship, I do not understand yet. Yes, I understand why the masses would all love to see Jason floundering around in between our collective thighs, but why does Violet need him? Eh whatever, it's True Blood town.
Pro: However, I don't mind any of the "I'm hers now," "she's European" quips Jason keeps pulling out. This season basically brought back the Good Times Jason we all loved from the first season.
Con: I DO NOT like seeing Pam smile normally. It's like watching a cat walk on its hind legs. Sookie says, "well good luck with that." That's pretty much how we all feel about this show now, right?
Pro: The return of Forever Alone Bill.
Pro: OH MY GOD, WARLOW DECORATED A MAYPOLE FOR THEIR WEDDING. Where did he get the pole or the flowers or crystals? It looks like a rich, gay, Floridian couple's wedding. He's wrapping the ivy with fabric. AAAAAAAH! I LOVE IT! Super Jesus, he has all the details planned, he even picked out the rings. LOL ADORABLE.
Con: SURPRISE ASSHOLE!!!!!
Con: Sookie asks if she can date Warlow, and he flips out and backhands her. Then picks her up by her neck and strangles her. So basically this entire season of trying to get to know another love interest has all been a whammy? A surprise FUCK YOU WE NEED ACTION IN THE CLIMAX twist, that doesn't line in with any of his actions before?
You could say that, "Oh Warlow hitting Sookie doesn't mean he loves her any less, he's just an old creature" — but you would be wrong. SO WRONG. This character has done absolutely nothing to demonstrate that he's a woman-hating psychopath that will tie up his loved one at the first sign of resistance, and that is shitty. Neither has he ever demonstrated a real fish out of water "Oh this is how it was done in the old ways" vibe. This is just a twist because they could — and it sucks. And I liked Warlow, and fuck this. I think next season Arlene should just kill a bunch of people, BECAUSE FUCK IT, CLIMAX.
Con: I'm very frustrated by this reveal… however
Pro: VAMPIRE VOLLYBALL.
Pro: They are telling TOP GUN VAMPIRE VOLLYBALL JOKES. DANCING TO 90s MUSIC AND WEARING REALLY TERRIBLE OUTFITS. I AM DEAD. Spread my ashes in all of my exe's coffee so I will be WITH THEM FOREVER.
Con: Pam leaves Tara, Tara calls both of her makers the worst. Tara is right. WEIRD.
Con: Bill is super bummed that his powers are gone. Two episodes ago he didn't want the powers, and now he wants Sookie back. Cue the eye-rolling Aunt Linda, because this is ridiculous Bill. Kill him, Jason.
Con: In the series finale, time is actually wasted dropping off the True Blood doctor, because this is a loose end that fans were CLAMORING to see tied up. Didn't we just suffer through a pantsload of treading-water episodes? Couldn't we have thrown the scientist out then? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
Pro: Jason goes to pick up Andy's fairy daughter, and Andy flips out "Oh hell no." Dammit, this poor man — people need to leave his daughter alone! If I was Andy, I would have locked her away. Also additional pro to Violet and her whole "monogamous" speech about Jason. Cute.
Con: Warlow calls Sookie a danger whore, takes back basically everything he ever said about her and love. And says that he wants to use her. Terrible.
Pro: Violet scares the fairy baby into getting them into the other plane. Can we take a minute just to digest the fact that Warlow spent almost all of his time in this other plane? It's the vampire conference room of this season.
Con: Sookie escapes to her home, and recovers long enough for Warlow to crash in and destroy everything. It doesn't matter, because eventually the Grandpa Fairy just appears out of nowhere and saves the day. The end. Anyone who was following along this season, you've been had. Warlow doesn't matter, the Vampire Camp doesn't really matter, cause it's all been washed away now. SIGH.
Con: Everyone loses their day-walking powers because Warlow is dead. So now that, too, has been erased.
Pro: EVEN NAKED ERIC LOSES HIS POWERS! HELLO NAKED ERIC, THANK YOU HBO.
Pro: Sidenote: Was this how Eric was working out his troubles? Sucks for you Pam. Obviously, since we didn't see Eric turn into goo, he's clearly NOT dead. My guess? First 5 minutes of the new season involve Pam sweeping in and saving Eric.
Pro: Did I mention Eric was NAKED NAKED? Reminded me of a hairless cat, that I would probably consider having sex with.
Con/Pro: 6 MONTHS LATER???????????
Pro: You guys, Bill's book is called And God Bled. It's.... so amazing. I would like to give one hug to the person who thought of that. Of course his book is the most ridiculous, self serving "I am Jesus but also a human," Biblical whap whap to ever appear.
Pro: Anyone else catch Bill saying that Hep V is a really dangerous disease that keeps "mutating"? Because we couldn't figure out how to make this a better threat. Also, big props to Bill for writing a book about all the humans he murdered to establish "trust." You're doing it wrong, Bill.
Pro: Alcide got a haircut, and is now having sex on the regs with Sookie. Oh girl. I think we all saw this coming, I mean everyone else had to tell her no first so she could WIND UP with Alcide. And minus the wig and the murdering, he shouldn't be last pick. I give it three episodes.
Pro: Alcide makes grunt noises before sexytimes.... yes.
Pro: Violet and Jason are still together, not having sex. He goes down on her some 100 days in a row, without any mandatory handies. I am calling horse shit on this.
Con: And now we will spend 15 minutes in a church explaining a new vampire and human policy that could have taken five minutes to explain without all the jibber jabber.
Con: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS DELIGHTFUL LITTLE CHILD SOOKIE IT TALKING TO FOR NO REASON.
Con: While this Rev. is nice and all. I super, duper hate it when people do that whole "I can't hear you on this side of the room" shtick. A lot. A lot. A lot.
Pro: Sam is the Mayor now. HUGE TWIST.
Pro: Other things we learn: He's still with Denise from Full House, she is still pregnant. Arlene owns Merlotte's now... guess that money came through. Ummmm I guess that's about it. Sookie's with Alcide? Oh right, we covered that already.
Pro: However I enjoy the pairing-up idea. Could force some fun relationships out. Bit of a quickie world-building move, but I'm into it.
Pro: Lettie Mae Daniels and Tara patch things up. It's a very nice moment. Personally I'm not quite seeing the point, as very little time was spent on Tara this year and we're kind of leaving a lot of other character conclusions in the wind, but sure. For longtime fans, this is a nice relief.
Con: But it's totally weird to see her feed on her mom.
Pro: Vampire James is in a band, of course he is.
Pro: Jessica finds her redemption, babysitting Andy and his family every night to protect them from "wild vampires," whatever that means.
Pro: Bill shows up in his first-season wardrobe, asking to protect Sookie, Sookie tells him to fuck right off, it's good. In retaliation he calls Alcide "Bright Eyes." Actually not a bad burn, Bull.
Con: Oh so.... this is what "wild vampire packs" means. So we're doing zombies now? Great. Sigh.
SIGH SIGH SIGH. Overall it was a MUCH better season than the previous year. Which is sad, because last year we had the Meloni is ass-hugging slacks and the vampire King of Mississippi. But the tone, taste and sensation were 100% better, sillier, wackier, weirder.
Am I pissed that all the character work was undone, thanks to Warlow's change of heart? Yes. Am I annoyed that the only character who got a little peace of mind was Tara? Yes. But I'm glad that Jessica is trying to find her forgiveness and that Sookie is getting that delightful wolf sex, which you know is great. It felt like True Blood home to me and that's a great step in the right direction. A fantastic one. And we're not going to fault them for using their regular, "take your top off and dance" shtick. We will always love you for that, True Blood. But if you kill Eric, WE'RE DONE HERE.