True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes

True Blood is BAAAAAaaaaaaack! And we're so excited. Here it is — the first super spoilery recap to the 6th season premiere episode stuffed to the brim with HOT VAMPIRE BOOK READING ACTION.

Let's GET TO IT:

Pro: The episode takes off right where we left off last season. With the creation of Billith. Which means....

Pro: BILLITH CAM.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: And of course the BILLITH CAM means slow motion close up of Sookie saying FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: But before anything truly amazing can happen Eric and Sookie flee the scene. But not before shoving the main character right into a pile of undead vampire goo because THIS IS TRUE BLOOD! Self HIGH-FIVE.

Con: Pause to call my Mom and ask her for her HBO.Go password again because I just high-fived my computer onto the floor causing it to shut down, like a boss.

Pro: AND WE'RE BACK. What is Billith the living man merkin up to now? He's disconnecting the Vampire Conference Room's electricity, obviously. And this causes the Vampire Conference Room Building to ASSPLODE. OBVIOUSLY. Because one, explosions are what happens in these kinds of situations. And two, of course Bill studied the intricate workings of this building and knows exactly where the vampire circuit boards are. Rip Billith rip. Normally I would laugh at this situation but I think we all can agree that the Vampire Board Room HAD TO GO. Good riddance you terrible waste of a season. Toodle-oo disappointing Vampire Authority which not only suffered from a bad case of the this-is-boring-as-hell-sies but also killed off Vampire Meloni and the best villain to ever grace this show, Russell Edgington. TAH.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: Meanwhile Jason, Pam, Tara and Nora take their leave. Big fat pro to Nora for calling Pam "Pamela."

Pro: Cut to other characters. Remember last year shapeshifter Sam Merlotte shapeshifted inside the head of that awesome lady vampire. That was awesome. But apparently this also means that Shapeshifter Girlfriend is now dead. Goodbye Shapeshifter Lady, you were very pretty to look at but fairly low on the scale of people I give a shit about on this show. Fare thee well character who I am not going to Google search their name because, come on. Right?

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Con: On the negative side of losing one member of this 5,000-person cast, this means Sam is now saddled with a kid. Because kids make everything better on television shows.

Con: Billith continues his assault on the Vampire Business Center via Billith Cam, because it's important that we, the audience, understand his general knowledge of the inner workings of this building we will never visit again.

Con: TERMINATOR BEEEELLITH rises from the flames and FLIES AWAY. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: I desperately want to see the script page for this. *Naked, and covered in the blood of Lilith, Bill walks through the flames unscathed. Billith looks to the night sky, and flies away. Should look as horrifying as a naked man flying through the air sounds.* SCENE

Pro: True Blood Titles! FINISH YOUR DRINK! (Are we playing a True Blood drinking game? I just assumed we were always drunk when talking about this show, we're not? Oh I finished my drink anyways.)

Pro: First very good Jason-ism. "Unless he's flying over us like a naked, evil Superman." Also this is VERY TIMELY. Bill is Jesus now.

Con: Hey a new character! Well we all should have seen this coming, as stated in Alan Ball's contract with the devil, there must be 666 characters in play at all times during the series True Blood.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: We're what *checks clock* 7 minutes into True Blood and already we're tackling HARD CORE POLITICS. Gun Control! Government mandated curfew! Limited resources! Seizure of vampire assets! Mutant Registation! Sentinels! I fully expect season six of True Blood to handle these hot topics with the subtle grace all political issues are tackled on this show, let's hump hate away!

Con: These signs. Come on gang you invented Fangbanger. We can do better.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: Back in the van everyone is freaking out, understandably so. But now we have the first "SHUT UP JASON!"

Con: Eric pulls the van over for a very important character moment. And now everyone will walk away and say how they are feeling so we can catch up too.

Con: Nora talks about the vampire bible and resurrection and uuuuugh stop stop stop stop stop stop.

Pro: Thankfully Pam illustrates her feelings as only Pam can, by taking it out on the beach. You see beaches suck because you get "fish piss and sand in your cooch" Oh True Blood, to me you are beautiful.

Con: Additional pause during the character revelations to introduce the new villain Warlow. Pass, more fish cooch talk please.

Pro: Jessica and Sookie share a nice moment. Sookie basically lets Jessica know she's not alone. This is lovely, Sookie was a huge part of Jessica's vampire upbringing (until she disappeared in fairy land and Jessica got streaks but you know whatever). I'm glad they're bringing these two back together.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Con: Jason reveals that he's "been dead since I found out that, that vampire killed mah parents." Really? Not after you were kidnapped and raped by a village of werepanthers?Alright.

Pro: It's time to move this party to wherever it is that we need to be. Presto Bill summons Jessica, causing her to vomit blood all over Eric. Pro to little baby Jessica for apologizing while belching up her own blood all over Eric, and pro to Eric saying, "lovely."

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: Of course saving Jessica means we have to rip open her shirt so this will happen later.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: Pam calls Bill Billith. YAY.

Pro: HEY ALCIDEeeeeeee...gross. Alcide eats the arm of the old pack master. These are the werewolf rules people!

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: Smooth Buddy. Don't worry, nobody noticed.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: Catching up with new Daddy Andy! At least he's attempting to be a parent. We missed you and your strange turns of phrase. "Hog Tits!" to you too, good sir.

Pro: Jesus Christ is this a thing people do to their babies? Diaper them over a stove top?

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes

However, Pro to seeing Terry again.


Pro: So that's 1, 2, 15 characters down time to catch up with Sam again HOLY SHIT LALA. We missed you. Of COURSE Lala is sleeping off tequilla on the floor and OF COURSE he still has the mental facilities to find and pull a gun on an intruder because Lafayette is THE BEST. THE BEST. THE BEST.

Con: "My mom is dead I'm hungry." ALRIGHT THEN.

Pro: Lala offers the little werewolf girl, "something deep fried dipped in sugar and then fried all over again."

Con: There was not enough Lala in this episode. Not NEARLY enough.

Con: Hitchhiking in Bon Temps. ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA.

Pro: Jason is picked up by THE Rutger Hauer! Who is amazing and I'm VERY excited about his presence in this episode.

Con: Jason and Rutger Hauer spend the rest of the episode in a fake car pretending to drive and talking.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: Jessica follows Bill's comically perfect footprints. Anyone else think of Julia Roberts' Tinkerbell footprints from Hook in this scene?

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: Bill: hey guys. I showered! New Henley!

Pro: Sookie stakes Bill to save Eric. You just showed your hand, lady! This scene is actually totally and completely amazing. It shows Sookie's complete disbelief that Bill is anything short of a monster now. Remember when she said "she felt" him dying. That was also awesome. It's a good way to justify her general trepidation about Billith. Meanwhile Jessica was completely unaware of what Sookie saw and is merely going on gut and possibly reeling from her copious abandonment issues. Did Jessica feel Bill's "death" as his progeny? I don't know. Is she just desperately clinging to someone in her life who has been there for her? Possibly. Let's not forget Bill was awful, just awful to Jessica last season. And yet she still chooses to stay with him the second Sookie stabs him. Hell she violently forces her out. This is a weird dynamic that I'm actually really excited to see these two get into.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Con: Bill just needs to stop acting like a total psycho when he's talking to people or using his MIND POWERS to stop their blood from spilling. I'm talking about later on where it was like Bill was on vampire cocaine, STOP MOVING AROUND AND TWITCHING SO MUCH DAMMIT.

Con: Meanwhile Governor Cool Guy Leather Jacket reveals his monstrous plan. To make money off of the True Blood shortage. Riveting stuff here people. POLITICAL TIE-IN!

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes


Pro: The Gov. says he's not the "Big Bad" FORESHADOWING WE LIKE JOSS WHEDON TOO.

Pro: Cut to werewolf land. Alcide is getting all the werewolf lady sex. And his woman... recent girlfriend? lady friend? she's been around for like a week right? Anyway, she's not happy but she wants him to know she's a cool guy too. So awkward threesome it is. Remember, "I'M YOUR NUMBER ONE BITCH!" Channeling a little bit o' Debbie here methinks.... sigh.... Debbie.... you were the best.... *single tear*

Con: Blah blah blah blah Tara.

Pro: Pam shooting down Tara's wish for a terrible epic vampire love story. This ain't Twilight.

Pro: Eric gives Sookie back his house, by STABBING HIS ARM AND WRITING IN HIS BLOOD. Hell even when this show is boring it's interesting.

Con: Conveyer belt Eric.

Pro: Andy's little girls wake up and they are way older and adorable. His face is priceless! Hi DAA DAA!

Pro: Jason is still JUST talking to Rutger Hauer. Hopefully next week they will graduate to action. However pro to this line "And they've [his dead parents] gotten kind of racist and scary since they went to heaven." That's two quality Jason lines in one episode.

Con: Bill is attacked by all the Liliths. And the season episode ends with dainty Bill gasp.

True Blood premiere switches from vampire politics to threesomes

Overall that was more of a catchup than a quality moment of True Blood, but we did get werewolf threesomes so that's something to remember. Here's to Bill's new powers, the peaceful passing of whatsherface and the replacement of Vampire Politics with Human Politics. Nothing going to go wrong there.

May your coochie be free of fish piss on your next beach visit.