Forget grains of salt; please find the nearest salt lick, and start chowing down. Because it's the only way you're going to survive the supposed news that Twilight's Robert Pattinson is the current favorite to play the new Indiana Jones.
The "news" comes from the Daily Star, one of those British tabloids that likes to pretend it has a plethora of highly informed Hollywood insiders who feed them a constant stream of major scoops the actual Hollywood press always seems to miss. So why are we even bothering to mention it?
Well, one, imagining the complete apoplexy some of you must have felt upon reading the headline is a source of great delight to me, because I am an asshole. Two... I would actually be pretty okay with this.
Yeah, yeah, sparkly vampires. But Pattinson didn't write Twilight. As he's made abundantly obvious in interviews, he thinks Twilight is moronic, although he was circumspect enough not to cause a PR shitstorm. And sure, he wasn't good in the Twilight movies, but NO ONE was good in the Twilight movies. It's not like Taylor Lautner was some master thespian who outshone Pattinson. No one could do anything with that material. And he's been solid, if not genuinely good, in his post-Twilight roles, he seems to have a sense of humor, and I'm sure he'd be extremely grateful to be a part of a major movie franchise that doesn't feature him lusting over an underage girl 80 years his junior. I actually think this casting could work out.
Most of all, I think I'm just ready for a new Indiana Jones. Maybe Pattinson isn't the guy, but as much as I love Harrison Ford, I do not need to see elderly Jones trying to slowly whip his way through an ancient temple. Honestly, I think I'd prefer Edward Cullen at this point.