Alright, alright, alright, alright, I'm SORRY. I'm so so so so sorry. And I'm not sorry I'm not sorry, I'm genuinely sorry I missed doing the True Blood recap this week. So here it is...
Honestly, I didn't think anyone would notice if I decided to spend my Sunday morning/night in the closet with a bottle of wine, hugging last season's shoes. But apparently you did. Because you emailed me, and tweeted at me and made me laugh. It was probably the first time I've ever received an email that didn't have the subject "DIE" in it. So that was nice, really nice, thank you.
But more importantly, I robbed you the place to talk about True Blood, and for that I'm the sorriestest. So let's just do that now, OK? I want to talk about True Blood, maybe you want to talk about True Blood with me? So let's do it, right here right now.
And yes, I went ahead and did it Pro/Con style because I'm a one trick pony and I will ride that horse STRAIGHT INTO HELL.
Pro: First pro, is this the best True Blood season, or what? That does NOT mean I'm happy with what happened in this episode, specifically with my sweet, precious Terry bear. However things seem to be happening in both smart and organic ways. Hell, even the characters (besides Bill) appear to be growing. Has True Blood finally left its cocoon of through-the-pants sex, and transformed into a beautiful hump-hump butterfly? LOL, NO. Later on, two character's private parts Voltron into a light orgasm — but hey, this is certainly one step in the right direction.
Pro: Warlow saves Sookie from a water-ghost death. And for some reason I am just so fucking into this. This is like the 19,000th time I've been turned on by someone being unconsciously whipped about like a doll… It's probably nothing.
Con: Warlow pulls Sookie out of the lake and decides the best cause of action to save a drowning victim is to hold their face and murmur, "my sweet, precious Sookie," TRY CPR, ASSHOLE.
Pro: Sookie tells her father ghost to get the fuck out of her life, forever. Good. Good riddance to this plot point, too. Look I think a large part of us were OK with Sookie and Jason's parents being about as sharp as a bag of hammers, but this whole "Imma kill you to save you" plan is dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
Pro: Back at Camp Vampire Death Eric and Pam are all, "Hey remember the Matrix, only with shitty wirework?"
Pro: Eric and Pam decide to kill everyone instead of each other. Hooray for Pam and Eric. Also love Eric spying Rev. Newlin in the bad guys booth. Uh oh, spaghettios, Steve.
Pro: Every time Warlow talks about Bill, he calls him "she." Hee hee.
Pro: Blah blah Jason is enlisting into the LAVTF. Lots of funny Jason moments, it's nice, yadda yadda — just waiting for Jason and Jessica to reunite.
Con: Bill just now realizes that Jessica is gone, runs downstairs to his HANDY SCIENTIST that he just happens to have in his basement for plot reasons, and bellows, "SCIENTIST, FIX THIS PLOT PROBLEM. I NEED TO KNOW WHERE MY CHARACTER FRIENDS ARE?"
Con: And now we check in with the shapshifters on the run. Sam is confused as to why Emma is crying all the time. Perhaps Emma is in the bathroom crying because you keep waving around your man bits, and having sex with strangers in the next room? She's a kid, not a moron, Sam. I am just not gelling with this storyline. Something's gotta give.
Pro: Warlow and Sookie are hanging out in Fairy Fucktown, which is basically the cemetery set with newly added tree chandeliers and vaseline on the lens. Warlow asks her to tie him up, and Sookie utters possibly the smartest thing she's ever said, "If you don't want to hurt me, don't." How the True Blood police didn't show up and conk her on the head with a giant penis-shaped bat, I will never know. But there you have it, this show, making sense. Stranger things have happened!
Pro: Sookie ties up Warlow with vines and secures it with a light knot. A LIGHT KNOT, YOU GUYS. This is now a thing that we all know about now. Fairy light ties are a thing. Like boat knots or some other kind of knot you were forced to learn at boy scout or girl scout camp, I don't know the technical term and no I'm not looking it up because I'm already behind. It's "something" knots. We're all at peace with this right? Great, moving along.
Pro: Warlow wants Sookie to "talk to her" about anything, and immediately brings up her parents trying to kill her. Smooth.
Pro: And now it's terrible werewolf time. The T-1000 OBVIOUSLY used Alcide's money to buy sex and fried chicken. You can't show someone who is paid to have sex and not have sex with them later on True Blood — it's their version of Chekhov's gun.
Pro: Also pro to whoever decided to add the fried chicken. Director, writer I don't care — just know that 'You Go Glen Coco.' And look how she's eating it! Just waving it around all over her body, she doesn't care about crumbs or grease. Is it even still hot? Who cares, this is werewolf fuck food, we eat it naked!
Con: Alcide shows up. Heeeeey Alcide (to be said like a fart). One commenter pointed out that maybe Alcide has rabies from eating the old pack master, which, god I hope so.
Pro: Andy naming Number Four is really just very precious, and we're all better people for having watched it.
Pro: I WANT TO SPEND A NIGHT GETTING HIGH WITH LA LA AND DO GLUE GUN CRAFTS. I MEAN WHAT WOULD WE EVEN MAKE, I DO NOT KNOW BUT IT WOULD BE AWESOME. GEM BUTTONS? TURBANS? PENIS HATS? THE OPTIONS ARE LIMITLESS.
[gif via True Blood twitter]
Pro: Everything Lala is saying I am loving, "It's just me, this blunt and my glue gun." and "Oh I do love presssaaaaaants." Oh to be his friend!
Con: Terry gives Lafayette a key to his safety deposit box, uuuuuuugh. Terry no!
Pro: Arlene and The Cowgirl from Toy Story 2 come up with a genius plan to glamour the PTSD out of Terry, WHERE WAS THIS TWO EPISODES AGO?
Con: Cut to Warlow and Sookie in the fairy boom boom room. It's kind of hard to take Warlow serious about his love for Sookie when he sounds like he's constipated. Eh whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.
Pro: "I detect a tone." I'm really enjoying this strange cat-and-mouse game between the Governor and Vampire Eric. Lots and lots of good lines here. It's like all of a sudden the people working on this show remembered that this a series about vampires and that should be FUN. Loving the fun! Yay fun. I want to run up to everyone working on this season and give them one of those smiley face sugar cookies, because that is how they are making me feel right now.
Con: Oh dear, Hepatitis V is a thing that was just said on this show. Hurmmmmmmm.
Con: Nora is infected with Hepatitis V, which is sad for a lot of reasons beside the virus being named Hepatitis V.
Pro: Oooh I love it when Eric and his family that he has sex with talk in their ancient language.
Pro: Hooray it's the return of "Merks and the Magic Tones."
Con: Bottom line, Lilith sucks.
Pro: Even Bill is pissed with Lilith, with this "that is perfect, that is fucking perfect." Don't we know it. Thank god he called her a fuck up, because her plan sucks.
Pro: And back to the werewolf shapeshifter plot, oh thank god. Sam gives Emma back to her grandma. GOOD. Thank you. Good move. Meanwhile, apparently everyone hates Funyuns. Fuck Funyuns Forever.
Pro: Vampire Matt is super adorable. I demand more Vampire Matt. Did he say he had kids? More vampires doing regular stuff please, please!
Pro: Terry is getting even cuter with his little salt and pepper side burns.
Con: HOWEVER, I am concerned about this quick glamor fix to his PTSD. This was too easy with too much past set up… something bad is going to happen. Right after it happened all I could think was "Oh... shit."
Pro: Terry does the "come sit on my lap" hand gesture that I've been waiting a lifetime to experience. Swoon.
Pro: Yay and Ex-Mrs. Newlin and Jason meeting in front of everyone. I like this twist.
Con: The Governor meets with his daughter who is acting like it's SUPER VAMPIRE TIME. Take it down a notch Willa.
Con: Alcide shows up and Alcides all over the place. Sam talks him down, and we all just breathe a sigh of relief that maybe, just maybe, this boring "Alcide grunts a lot and acts like an uncharacteristic dick" storyline is over. Whatever indeed.
Pro: OOOH it's, what, 10 minutes? And already Ex-Mrs. Newline is fucking with Jason. Watch as she tries to get Vampire Jessica to strip and copulate in front of Jason. In other news Vampire James is adorable. We learned his name, which means by True Blood law Jessica has to fall in love with him.
Con: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOO. NO NO NO NO NO NO TERRY NO. NO TERRY NO. NO. NO. NO. This is horrible and gross and NOOOOOO.
This was NOT how I wanted Terry to go out, it's so horrific and sad and terrible. Remember he was glamoured so he probably has no fucking clue why this horrible thing just happened to him. So he's leaving this world confused. Which, Terry deserves better than that. True, Arlene was there and helped him leave but UGH this SUCKS. It's just sad. I'm sad. I don't want Todd Lowe to go! I've loved him since Gilmore Girls. He brought a tiny piece of joy to this series, no matter what happened Terry would always be there with a quip or a story about Felix. Oh my god who is going to take care of Felix now? This is just terrible.
Deep inside, I knew it was going to happen. I'm not 100% sure what kind of awareness this particular exit will bring the trouble many vets face on a daily basis. But even vampire shows can be poignant at times, and I want to think that's what they were trying to do here. It did make me think of the astounding photo essay by Craig F. Walker, which if you haven't seen this collection of heartbreaking images you should absolutely go and check it out now.
Message attempt aside, it also feel like Terry left the party too early. I wasn't ready to see him go. I was ready for a bit of peace for these two. But I guess there's no peace in Bon Temps. So I'll just be sad.
Pro: Interesting choice to fade to white. Makes me thing Terry is 100% not coming back.
Con: It's hard to watch the show when you're in a "screw everything now" mood now.
Pro: Does the Governor have a statue of himself in his yard? Excellent.
Pro: Vampire Bill interrupts the Governor DOES NOT GIVE ANY FUCKS.
Pro: Bill rips off the Governor's head. Cool, is this a metaphor? I who knows? Probably, maybe. Yes, definitely yes. Whatever I'm still upset.
Con: And finally, Sookie decides she's going to sex with Warlow now, because reasons! Don't over think it. And when fairies have sex they apparently do it to absolutely horrible non-sexy music while their privates light up. It's... definitely a thing... that we all watched.
This may have been the least sexiest moment in the history of this show and that is saying a lot. Could Sookie have been more disinterested or set it up so creepily. I'm a danger whore, so I best get to danger whoring. And what about Warlow? Look Warlow, it's true you are my new sexy sex thing. However, I'm not quite certain how I feel about this whole light up penis thing. Maybe it's just for fairies. Either way now I'm thinking about a glowing penis and I don't know how long that's going to be stuck in my head.
And there you have it. MOURN OR REJOICE, it's your call.