On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Last night, everyone in Bon Temps got drunk and made really bad decisions at a wake party—as you do when you are from Bon Temps and regularly have sex with dead things. But more importantly, our favorite vampire recreated a scene from Terminator 2 and now everything is perfect and beautiful.

Last night was pretty good. Lots of side characters finally got their due, whether that meant getting some quality screen time whilst acting like a well-rounded human being or just telling the community to "fuck off." The Hep-V zombie vampire threat has stopped, but the virus is still spreading. The humans and clean vampires celebrate the only way they know how, by mixing up everyone's sex lives and causing a lot of emotional distress. But let me break it down for you pro/con style.

Pro: The show starts in Fangtasia, clean-up time after the big battle. There are many other clean chairs that Eric could sit in, but he chooses to clean off and then get in HIS THRONE.

Pro: It's totally worth it. You sit in that chair, Eric. Sit in it hard.

Pro: Pause to note the ridiculous decor that makes Fangtasia. I feel like this is old? Is this old and I'm just noticing it? Either way, ha.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Pro: Willa is finally released from her Maker Vampire Eric. Pam equates this with "being kicked in the cooch by a wallaby." HOLD THE PHONE. A WALLABY, PAM? That's what you go with, a WALLABY. First up, I do not really understand that reference because I am not familiar with a wallaby. But according to National Geographic, a wallaby can deliver "powerful kicks." So the next logical step was to lookup "wallaby kicking small child" on YouTube. The result was so-so.

Pro: Sarah Newlin has a vampire sister and it makes Vampire Eric go, "Oooooh." Which makes me go, "mmmmm."

Con: Eric and Pam decide to follow the Newlin trail to Dallas, leaving a freaked out Ginger behind. I assume Ginger is distressed because this is (most likely) the last time she will see Eric alive. But really she's just bummed because they never banged. The world is dark and full of terror, sweetheart. We feel you.

Pro: Yet another TV moment for Anubis Air. I love that it needs to be shown that the vampires will be traveling via portable coffin. It's a show about vampires, fairies and werewolves, I can extend my level of disbelief past a vampire road trip to Dallas.

Just kidding, the devil is in the details on this series. I have no doubt that the silver travel coffins were given additional screen time because this is True Blood and its creators are vehemently dedicated to the canon they created, and not because someone on budget showed up and said, "Time to reuse those plastic coffins you just had to have back in 2009." And you know what? IT'S ALL WORTH IT BECAUSE…

Pro/Con: Ginger rides another coffin in distress. This is probably the last time we'll see Ginger ride a coffin while freaking out. Sad.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Con: Eric is still very harsh with Ginger. This had better be a big setup for Ginger to get some sex. Or at least inherit Fangtastia (it was her idea).

Con: Now that the fighting is over, and the rest of the Bon Temps citizens have been saved (or killed because they were dummies), it's time for True Blood to pause and reflect on death, as is tradition after a character dies. I assume this will be the entire episode.

Pro: OF COURSE Lafayette is waiting for Sookie at her home. He is really the only decent character on this entire series. Thinking about it, how many times has Lafayette tucked Sookie into bed after someone in her life died? Three? I think it's three? That's a lot.

Pro: The back of Lafayette's jean jacket has his name bedazzled across it. AND I CAN PROVE IT.

Con: Anyone else flip the shit out when Lafayette said, "I'll be here when you wake up, so don't fret." This is the kiss of death! DO YOU NOW KNOW WHAT SHOW YOU ARE ON?

Con: Alcide's dad has arrived for the funeral. (Or whatever they plan to do with Alcide's body. Does someone have to eat him? I feel like someone has to eat him.) Why hasn't Hoyt arrived yet?

Con: Alcide's dad (also known as the T-1000) took all of Alcide's things, packed them up and put them in his truck so Sookie can deal with it when she's ready. That's really fucking invasive, dad.

Pro: Proof that fried chicken, candles and leopard print can make anything better.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Pro: Lafayette informs Sookie (wearing a flower bomber jacket I have been coveting for forever) that she is having a party. Sookie is, understandably, nonplussed with this decision. However, if this keeps us away from another funeral, I'm for it.

Pro: The party is happening, obviously. Lafayette gives a speech about celebrating life but I can only hear his delivery. There is no other character that enunciates things better than Lafayette, for example, "People are coming over with top shelf AL-KEY-HALL." And then ends it with "Here, here, I say." Wonderful.

Con: Vampire Bill shows up to the party and the first thing he says is, "I didn't bring any alcohol as I was instructed to do. And even though I am very rich and can run to the liquor store in five seconds, here are some flowers." Question, Bill: what flower store is open at night but not liquor store?

Pro: Meanwhile on the road with Eric and Pam, we meet Sarah Newlin's sister, who is a vampire with Hep-V (that name will never not be funny to me). Amber used to be wild, but her vampire lover set her straight. And now he's dead, too. Should I care about this new character?

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Pro: Eric is wondrously understanding with Amber's plight. He truly does love vampires more than humans, and is much more patient and understanding (not that Amber was in the wrong on anything). I actually really enjoyed this entire conversation, especially when Pam ends it with a "I like her," and Amber can't yet respond in kind. OK, Amber, I like you too.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Pro: A plan is set. Pam and Eric will go to this fundraiser to find Sarah's parents. But wait, the fundraiser has only "invited assholes," to which Eric responds, "We can be assholes." OMG, Country Western Vampire Eric is coming, please, please, please, please!

Pro: Whoa, the DJ at Sookie's house party (which lol, whut?) is super hot and I like her shirt and the tunes she's playing.

Pro: Everyone at the party is dancing. This is less believable than vampires who hump really fast.

Pro: OMG THIS IS HOW VAMPIRE BILL DANCES.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

You can almost hear his mind pumping out some sort of old timey hand crank tune *tootly toot toot* party!

Con: Vampire Bill is bad at dancing because at the super fun party, he's thinking about his entire pre-Civil War backstory, where he is a trepidatious Southerner who is nice to slaves and doesn't want to fight. Everyone else is a total dick. This is exactly what everyone is usually thinking about at a party. Bill, you are the worst.

Con: Why do these non-punk rock Bill flashbacks keep happening? Who is asking for more Bill Compton Civil War flashbacks?

Pro: Everyone is standing around and talking about Alcide and Tara. OK, so this is officially a wake party. That's OK, I've actually been to a memorial service that turned into a party (on purpose) with a band and food, etc. It was definitely one way to mourn. I feel like this is how I would like to go out, with a party.

Pro: Andy cuts the bullshit and speaks absolute truth to Jessica, "You know, torturing yourself over my girls keeps that pain alive for me too?" Thus ending her version of a kitten doing the night watch. And also revealing that he has forgiven (but not forgotten). This was a great scene. A great scene. Andy has always been my favorite and now even more so. I'm so happy he's found happiness with Holly and inside himself, and I'm so glad he was the one to tell Jessica to get off the cross, someone else could use the wood.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Con: Sookie lets Andy borrow the engagement ring she saved for her family. Yeeeeeeeah, that's not who that is for, even if it's "borrowed." Feel like Gran might pop out of the walls in ghost form and beat them all to hell.

Pro: Andy proposes and it's really sweet and very sincere. I'm just happy this fictional character's happy. It's nice that everything is nice. Who knew we could have nice things on this show?

Con: Jessica is being super lame to James and yeah, I see where this is going. This series is many things, but subtle it is not. So yeah, James and Lala are getting together soon.

Pro: Just when you think we're full up on sweet monologues, Arlene steps up to the plate and scores all the touchdowns (nailed it)! Arlene's "time and tequila" advice is probably the most mature advice that has ever been dealt in the history of True Blood. And she's really killing it in the delivery. I'm happy that Arlene has grown from a vapid vamp-phobe into a good friend, really to everyone.

Pro: James' hair is so hot right now.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Pro: James and Lafayette kiss. I think we all saw this coming many, many moons ago.

Pro: Back to Pam and Eric doing "Republicunt" cosplay in Dallas. Oh dear, these two are cute when they're at play. When is the last time you really saw this pair have fun? Forever, that's how long. There's good chemistry here. Of course, this is all tinged with a sad shade of grey when Eric takes off his shirt and reveals he's in "stage two" Hep-V, whatever that means. Eric tells Pam he's going to die and that she must accept it. Then he tenderly wipes a blood tear from her eye. WHY? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO CRUEL AND MEAN?

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

I am not ready for Eric to die. Take Bill, please!

Pro: Arlene continues to rocket up the ladder of people I'm enjoying spending time with while drinking white wine on Sunday. I don't know who this new vampire is and what's his connection to Arlene, but the "and I'll see her in her dreams" line was hot. And Arlene's, "I have to go make tinkle because I am a human" response was great.

Pro: Oh wow, James and Lala went from stolen kisses on the front porch to full on backseat bumping. Insert "that escalated quickly" gif here.

Con: It's very unfortunate that Jessica had to witness her boyfriend fucking another person at the funeral party.

Pro: Big fat PRO to Jessica going out of her way to point out that they were fucking "in our car." The ownership of where the fucking is happening is absolutely positively something that infuriates those who have been cheated on. You were fucking in OUR car, or on OUR new bed, or on MY birthday in the shirt that I BOUGHT YOU for Christmas.

Pro: Jessica and Lala have it out. Lala apologizes and Jessica tells him to go fuck himself. Jessica is entitled to these feelings. However, when Lafayette retaliates I feel like he's probably saying something bigger. This doesn't feel like it has to do with James or Jessica, rather the many seasons this character spent in the back as some sort of gay comic relief. It wasn't always like that (the Jesus year changed that), but this amazing actor was often overlooked so a bunch of other characters could get humping. Here's what he says:

"Everybody else in this fucking town is falling in love and getting engaged and having babies. Has it occurred to you that Lafayette, that Queen that makes all you white heterosexuals laugh and feel good about yourselves, has it fucking ever occurred to you that maybe I want a piece of happiness too?"

There were a good couple middle years where Lala almost disappeared. And he didn't start out that way. Honestly, Lafayette could have said that to just about any character on this show. I'm cool with it.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Con: But he still did fuck Jessica's boyfriend in the front yard of a party that the whole town was attending, which was pretty not OK. True, it takes two to tango, so they're both dicks. And Jessica is a dick too for treating James like a crutch for her to hobble up onto her "woe is me cross." Thank goodness that's all burnt down now.

Con: Meanwhile, over in Bill town:

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Con: Straight up ignoring the Bill Compton flashbacks now. They didn't happen.

Con: Sookie is drunk and goes outside to hang with the party animal. Bill tells Sookie that he's not used to men and women being friends because, as you know, he only existed during the Civil War. After that, he was put into a matchbox for many, many years. Five seconds earlier (it wasn't filmed), Bill was staring in a amazement at the horseless carriages people call cars.

Pro: Do you think Sookie will make out with Bill at her boyfriend's wake?

Con: She doesn't. But man, things certainly worked out for her, didn't they?

Con: Lettie Mae stabs Willa so she can get more of her vampire blood. In response, Lafayette turns into me at every family event ever, "Of course she did." Why are we still chasing this dream?

Con: Oh dear, Violet is leaving Jason and Jessica alone…

Con: Aaaaand Jessica and Jason start immediately banging. No no no no no no no no, Jessica is supposed to be with Hoyt. And now Violet is going to kill Jason and Jessica. Am I the only one holding out for these two? Why show Hoyt if you're not going to bring him back? You know what you are True Blood? You're a big fucking tease.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas

Also, of course, Violet finds out about this because she's not a moron and these two are audibly humping in the room she just left. Only Jason would cheat on someone like Violet. This is a death wish.

On True Blood, Everything Is Bloodier In Texas


Pro: And now back to Texas Eric. And wow, things are movie really, really fast. There is no time for Texas small talk. I wish we could have spent more time with Pam chatting up a bunch of socialite Republicans. But I won't look a vampire gift horse in the mouth, because these two look amazing!

Con: But wow, the action is non-stop. Sarah Newlin shows up, the Yakuza appears and everything just becomes a gigantic mess. It's good but... you guys, Eric is in a cowboy hat and a bolo tie. Cooooooooome on, can we just hang out a little more longer?

Pro: I take back everything I just said because True Blood just recreated a scene from Terminator 2. But this time, the Terminator is a hot viking vampire who rips out someone's jaw. It is awesome.

Con: Bill has Hep-V. Does this mean more flashbacks or less?