Last night, Once Upon a Time revealed what Hook was up to during the "lost year." Turns out, it was absolutely nothing at all. But Once Upon A Time feeds on nothing, this show devours it. This is a show that runs simply on the fact that we all really like Disney cosplay. A lot. Which is why they brought the Little Mermaid back. Spoilers ahead.
So this mystery year that has all our characters panties in a bunch is still plaguing the good people of Storybrooke. Needless to say, when we start to find out about large chunks of this missing year, the reveals should be pretty exciting. Well, not in Once Upon A Time's case. You see, Hook remembers that year. And can totally help anyone who needs information about that specific period of his life, but instead he decides to be a real cagey dick about it.
Enter one Little Mermaid.
I like Killian. I like Killian a lot. He's a fun character, who is quite well-acted. But this was not a very rewarding flashback about that one time everyone lost a year of their lives. Absolutely nothing happened, besides a set up for the next silly little curse that the Storybrooke Scooby gang will overcome in a few episodes — thus teaching everyone a valuable lesson about love, or parenting, or how to create 1,000 love triangles for an entire internet of shippers.
And also, everyone else (including his own crew) has changed into Storybrooke clothes. Hook is still wearing the same, entirely leather ensemble. At this point, the juices have sealed in.
But you know what, screw it. I still like Killian, he's like one half theater kid who just discovered he can totally wear the shit out of his mother's eyeliner, and another half sexy English teacher you actually read the books for. He works, it's mostly the acting. Because Jesus, that outfit has been played out. He even looks miserable foisting that 1,000 foot leather duster around set, but Killian wears it. He wears it so hard.
Anyway back to the Little Mermaid — you see, the Little Mermaid is back because she wants to find Eric, who is missing. And in the dark years, Hook and she teamed up to steal back the Jolly Roger from a cartoon pirate named Black Beard. In the end Hook winds taking his ship before Ariel can get information on where her beloved Eric is, but it all works out in the end (for Ariel, not for Hook).
You see, Ariel was actually the Wicked Witch in disguise. The whole thing was a ruse to the WW could curse Hooke's mouth so that the next time he kissed Emma he would drain her of her magical powers. Which makes sense, because who wouldn't curse the mouth of the guy the hero may (or may not) use? As opposed to her car door, her child's hand or the toilet seat. Because this is a gamble the Wicked Witch is willing to take, because kissing!
Another large section of this episode was spent with the "UNCHARMINGS" (as Regina zinged 'em). You see Snow and Charming were super bummed that Emma didn't want Henry pallying around with his (unknown) grandparents because they're not fun. Which was definitely the most truthful moment this show has ever had.
And in response, Charming takes Henry driving. Because that is something they are both very good at.
Also of note, Regina absolutely killing it in this episode. From this gem, "The number of spells comprised of baby parts would surprise you," to this line, "He's prone to violence, impulsive and has a hook for a hand. What about him would a 12-year-old boy not like." Regina was on fire. It was like having the old, bad ass queen back and I highly, highly enjoyed her.
In the end nothing happens. And they all have fries again, at the only restaurant that only makes fries. I'm starting to think that this isn't really Storybrooke. That this is actually hell and all our favorite characters are dead and these are the lives they have to lead as punishment.
Until next week, may all your meals be fries.