Once Upon A Time ended its massive season with a massive, super inappropriate, two-hour season finale. Super fun fairy tale executions ahead!
How about that scene where they burned Snow White at the stake? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this show?
Last night, Once Upon A Time ended this season by chucking just about every single thing that remained in its "bag of tricks," splattering plot and characters against the walls like some sort of unsupervised child. And then the series turned to the audience, pointed at its mess and screamed, "SEE SEE! YOU LIKE THIS, DON'T YOU??? SMELL IT, PUT YOUR FACE IN IT… YEAH, FROZEN. YOU LIKE FROZEN, DON'T YOU? NOW LICK IT UP AND TELL ME IT TASTES LIKE ART YOU SIMPLE BITCH."
And I really, really enjoyed it for all sorts of reasons. Not because it was a good two-hour episode—no, no, no, don't get me wrong. As a whole, it was decidely not good. But there were plenty of really, really great moments. Especially the ending, not the Frozen thing, but the "fuck you Regina and all your character development" twist. Because OF COURSE THIS SHOW DOES THAT! But more on that later, because we've got a long road to get though and a lot of Back to the Future jokes to make.
And we're off, waaaay back in time to see Emma's really terrible foster home experience. Let's not forget, most of the first season revolved around how godawful adoption, foster homes and group homes were. So get ready for some serious Annie shit, voila:
What. A. Nightmare.
And of course Emma is there, tall and beautiful and blonde and alone. Because no one wants you, Emma. It's literally the opening scene of Oliver & Company when all the kittens are being picked, but not Oliver. Because he's a ginger. And there are rules that we have to live by as a society, and that rule is NO GINGERS.
Pause to go to YouTube and listen to "Once Upon A Time in New York City."
The point of this was to demonstrate that this upbringing was some circle of hell and that Emma is not so good at the whole "home" thing. Which believe you me, she has demonstrated many, many times over. Like when she ignored the requests from her very strange child Henry who found them an apartment, as children are wont to do. Emma has decided that no, they will NOT be staying in Storybrooke now that Henry has a lifetime of memories back. No, he will be ripped away from his mother Regina and his grandparents and all the other people who probably make him feel a little less weird, and go back to New York. Great parenting all around. Needless to say, this problem is later resolved, but whatever.
But what of the new uncle/brother that Snow and Charming just birthed? Well, it doesn't get a name because there has to be a naming ceremony. Kudos to Emma for throwing out the "You're not going to Lion King him" jab, because really, they could have. No instead they are holding a POTLUCK at a RESTAURANT. I'll let try and decipher the logic behind that party planning idea.
Also happening in Storybrooke: sexin'. Regina and Robin Hood get all comfortable in front of the fire at the mayor's mansion and I am just happy for her. Aren't we all? Regina has done the biggest character 180, and it is deserved. You go, girl. Get your nasty on with Robin of the Hood. Who wouldn't? He is a fox (GET IT? you get it).
The Storybrooke plans continue to the potluck dinner in a restaurant and FOR NO REASON AT ALL, the gang decides to re-read the story of how Snow White and Charming met each other. FOR NO REASON, DON'T OVER THINK IT.
Alas, all the ballyhoo is interrupted by an INEVITABLE CURSE. Fortunately, Emma ran off to pout and Hook ran off to console her, with the magical book. Convenient! This allows them both to be sucked into the vortex without having their memories wiped. And they're dropped off in a new time. But before that, someone yells at Emma that her actions are for dummies. Hook is the voice of reason and asks her, "Do you have your magic back?" To which she responds, "No." And he rightfully screams, "Then we're not messing with any of this! Let's go!"
THIS IS THE PICTURE YOU USE FOR YOUR DAD? DID YOU MAKE HIM POSE THIS WAY?
And now we're in the Enchanted Forest. I love how everyone is just like "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." Because let's get real, this place sucks and probably doesn't have things like penicillin and running hot water. Emma and Hook decipher that they are probably back in time, which was the purpose of the Wicked Witch's curse. And then Emma makes a Marty McFly joke. This is important/dumb for a few reasons:
- One, Emma brings up Marty McFly to a FICTIONAL PIRATE FROM A LAND WITH NO ELECTRICITY OR CARS. She then attempts to explain the premise of Marty McFly and Back to the Future to a pirate. Why? Has he even seen a television?
- Second, this was a very important to reference this movie because for the rest of this first hour Once Upon A Time will now unabashedly recreate the Back to the Future setup.
And that's what happens. Emma and Hook interrupt her parents meeting, thus changing the timeline forever. They even pause to look at the magical book they brought and see that it's all empty after the interruption. So it's Back to the Future rules, and since we've all seen that movie (a lot), we know what that is. And now we have to pretend that it's new. Kind of. Basically, it's bad.
But thankfully, there is lots of good to bookend the silly mission. Case in point, Regina is wearing a fabulous hat that may or may not be very similar to a hat I wore one time. Basically, we are the same and we should probably exchange phone numbers, buy matching pajamas and hang out all the time. All the time.
And another good thing: Emma gets some fairy tale clothes, which allows Hook to aggressively ogle her décolletage. These two.
So the mission is set, and Hook and Emma do a resoundingly alright job of patching up her parents' original meet cute. Emma meets lizard Rumps and that is just delightful; plus, I kind of missed the old crazy crocodile. Unfortunately, Emma continues to forget that she's in the past in a fantasy world and keeps talking to people (like Belle) and hugging people (like her mother) like she knows them.
Many side missions are enacted, including one where Emma has to seduce past Hook to distract him from her future mother. Emma is really good at Hook-play. Like really good. Hook gets annoyed at his past self for hitting on Emma and knocks him out; it's weird. I'm gonna be real with ya'll: If I had the opportunity to watch myself make out with someone I wanted, I probably wouldn't stop it. For a long time.
Next obstacle: a ball! Emma and Hook get super great outfits and head off to a ball, because it's a ball. And because Emma looks absolutely great and so does Hook.
Together they do what fairy tale creatures must: they dance and fall in love. Emma calls her self Princess Leia, which OK, that was cute. And Emma is wooed by the glamour of it all; I'm happy for her. I do wish everyone else had dresses as fabulous as hers, because during the big pan-out "this is a ball, bitches" the reveal was mostly OK.
Shortly after Hook gives Emma his best "So This Is Love" eyes (swoon), Emma is kidnapped by the Evil Queen (who is super evil now and wearing really fabulous necklace dresses), yada yada yada Snow White and Charming save Emma from the dungeons but Snow White is kidnapped in return. What does Regina immediately do? Decides to burn Snow White alive.
Snow White, the main character and beloved Disney princess, is taken to a post, tied up, hooded and BURNED AT THE STAKE. Remember, this is a Disney show that is also for children. Regina ties Snow White and SETS HER ON FIRE. ON FIRE.
Just kidding! She's really a bug. Honestly, everyone is fired and I'm checked the FUCK out. Way to water down the best character (Regina) into a one-dimensional nightmare after years of developing this character. Long story short, we're forced to relive the whole Snow and Charming falling in love character arc from the first season (making this two times that the Snow/Charming story is told in this episode alone). And Emma and Hook magic their way back, and we're back in Storybrooke. At the naming ceremony.
And here's the big season finale payoff:
Belle dresses up like a tiny flapper and marries Rumps. It's nice. I'm happy someone is happy.
Snow and Charming decide to name their kid Neal. Which, yuck. Let's just say my mother would never name her child after her daughter's boyfriend no matter HOW great he was. Yuck.
Emma decides to stay in Storybrooke and makes out with Hook. That is also nice—I used to be Team Neal but now I think Hook and his *head down eyes up smile* move has hit me right where it hurts. Right in the babymaker.
Remember the woman Emma selfishly and stupidly decided to save because even though she says she's seen Back to the Future, she clearly hasn't. Hey dummy, don't change things in the past! Turns out the woman she saved was Robin Hood's dead wife. The dead wife that (he didn't know) Regina killed when she was evil. Regina sees this reunion and WHAMMO—her happiness has once again has been robbed from her by Snow White's family. She's broken (understandably). But also NO. NOT UNDERSTANDABLE. I swear to god, if bringing back Robin Hood's wife was some sort of attempt to jumpstart old mean Regina, I will scream so loud that dead Neal inside his dad's body will hear me. We have worked on this character for years, please please please don't return her to the dark ages. She's so great right now. If anything, use Emma's epic stupidity as a whole new breaking point, but please don't let her go full evil again. That would be just more of the same.
And finally the big BIG reveal. Frozen comes to Storybrooke. Because remember, at its heart, this is a show for kids (see above image of Snow White being burned at the stake).
Overall, I am just so ridiculously glad that we are out of Neverland and back into Stroybrooke. I'm also glad that "ding dong the witch is dead." Throwing Robin Hood's wife into the mix could be good, as long as the show centers on fairy-tales-in-the-real-world particulars, which is when this series is at its best. Frozen was going to come to this series, like it or not, because it made boat loads of cash and somebody has to pay for Snow White's wigs. Hopefully it will be brief.
Until next season, may none of you ever birth children as criminally stupid as Emma. HUZZAH!