Read This Week’s DVDs or this catbus will eat these children

He’ll do it, too! This catbus is a monster! A giant, furry, adorable monster who stars in the greatest kids’ movie of all time! Plus sexy vampires, underage werewolves, badass bike messengers and more, all in this week’s DVD and Blu-ray releases!

My Neighbor Totoro

Hayao Miyazaki’s beloved anime masterpiece is, without question, the greatest young children’s movie of all time, and it’s finally come to Blu-ray (in America, natch). I buy it for every single friend’s baby when they turn 3 or so, and I’ve yet to hear a single complaint. Mainly because I don’t talk to children.

Howl’s Moving Castle

Miyazaki’s worst movie also comes to Blu-ray. Admittedly, “worst” is kind of a misnomer in that Howl isn’t terrible, and the actual castle looks awesome, but it’s never going to top anyone’s list of Top 5 Ghibli movies.

True Blood: The Complete Fifth Season

The Vampire Authority battles vampire “fundamentalists” for the fate of all of humanity, and many, many people are naked and have sex. That about sums it up, right? The set comes with “Inside the Episode” mini-docs.

Lego Batman: The Movie — DC Super Heroes Unite

The cut scenes from the Lego Batman 2 videogame assembled into a movie, with a few other bits. Good for kids, but if you’ve played the game already don’t bother.

Teen Wolf: Season 2

Scott gets caught in a war between werewolves and werewolf hunters. Someone call me when Stiles puts on his “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE” shirt.

The Burning

A ‘70s slasher flick that both rips off Friday the 13th — a crazed lunatic attacks a camp — and is much, much better than Friday the 13th because the killer has more than three functioning synapses. Features Tom Savini’s gory SFX at their finest.

Captain America

The absolutely horrible 1990 Captain America movie (not the ones with Reb Brown; those are the ‘70s movies) comes to Blu-ray for no apparent reason.

Tenchi Muyo! War on Geminar

Are you such a Tenchi fan that you’re willing to watch yet another spin-off series, this one featuring Tenchi’s never-before-mentioned half-brother Kenshi after he’s transported into a war fought mostly by busty teenage aliens? Then may god have mercy on your soul.

The Aquabats! Super Show! Season One

All 13-episodes of the band/superheroes’ adventures, antics and occasional cartoons. It makes me weirdly upset that "Season One" doesn't have an exclamation mark after it.

This Girl Is Badass

Jeeja Lanin, martial arts wonder of Chocolate, stars in this very appropriately titled film where she’s a bike messenger who takes on the mob. And wins. Because she’s that badass.

Lupin the 3rd: Red Vs. Green

When Monkey Punch first created the thief Lupin the 3rd, he was a womanizer, a killer, and wore a red jacket. Eventually he softened and by the time Hayao Miyazaki made the masterpiece Castle of Cagliostro, Lupin’s adventures were family friendly and he was wearng a green jacket. In this anime special, the Lupins fight. I can barely stand how awesome this sounds.