Witches of East End Is All About Creepy Supernatural Sex This Season

We live in a world where Lifetime is perfectly willing to use the term "twincest." And it won't even be the most disturbing thing in the episode. Congrats, Witches of East End, for embracing the absurd.

I feel personally victimized by this last episode. Like the show knew that we were betting about Wendy's sex life, and created an entire episode designed to tease me that I was going to win and then yanked the whole thing out from under me.

On the other hand, there was an actual theme this week! Everyone was dealing with magic that saved one person at the expense of another, and we moved some things forward this week. So let's get to it. Spoilers ahead ...

Witches of East End Is All About Creepy Supernatural Sex This Season

Ingrid, Dash, and Killian

Woo! The powerhouse supernatural team of Ingrid and Dash continued this week. Dash is 1000% more interesting in this plot than he's ever been before, and I love it. He and Killian receive their family's Grimoire this week, delivered by their mother's lawyer. Amazingly, willing your children a magic book after you've stolen their powers, making sure they have no way of knowing how to use it, is a bad idea. There's no getting around this. She left it to them in case she died, but it came with no corresponding directions or "Hey, you have magic!" letter. You were such a shitty planner, Athena. That's why you're dead now.

Despite the fact this all goes pear-shaped, and fast, there was some great bits of humor. The lawyer delivering the puzzle box that leads them to the Grimoire responds to Killian asking what to do with it with, "Just a shot in the dark there, but I'd say: Open it." He also leaves telling them that he'll send his bill for the fifteen minutes it took him to deliver the mystery box left to them by their dead mother.

We also have the two brothers briefing each other on what's gone on in their lives. Killian tells Dash that his new wife is a witch, too. And that concludes the Eva portion of this episode. I'm good with that.

Dash is still wonderfully pissed at Freya, so he tells Killian that the Beauchamps are witches. And when Killian asks if Freya ever told him, he responds:

Are you kidding? Of course, she's a lying bitch. Ingrid's cool though. She's been helping with this.

"Ingrid's cool though" is amazing. She helped you cover up a murder, dude. She's more than cool, she's your fucking accomplice. Sidenote: I would watch Dash and Ingrid Bonnie and Clyde their way across the country. It can join WENDY! in my list of fictional Witches of East End spinoffs.

And then the two decide to try a spell out of their new spellbook, despite not exactly knowing what it does, and Killian logically pointing out that blood magic is a big deal. When it goes wrong, draining life from Killian and into Dash, Dash calls the only person he knows who can help with magic: Ingrid.

Witches of East End Is All About Creepy Supernatural Sex This Season

When we opened the book we can barely read, this is the image that greeted us. So of course we just picked a spell to try!

Ingrid starts to head over, but is distracted by the magic that forces her to feed the blue-tentacled-sex-creature in the forest. And if we had any doubt that this whole situation is wrong and basically rape, she later tells Dash that she's been losing time. He says he'll help her. I hope Dash punches the creature to death with his lightning fists of righteousness.

Ingrid saves the two idiots, walking them through reversing the spell. And, to this episode's credit, the scene where she confesses that she needs Dash's help because she can't remember what's happening to her is simple and well done. He says he'll do whatever he can to help. I can't help but notice that Ingrid continues to be the only Beauchamp not hated to death by the Gardiners. Last season, Athena also liked Ingrid because she had nothing to do with the death of her mother. I really hope that, when he finds out that Wendy and Joanna killed his mother, he doesn't take it out on Ingrid. They're bonding so well right now.

Joanna, Frederick, Victor, and Freya

Apparently, Earth is Asgard's prison planet. Because the Beauchamps aren't the only ones banished to our planet. The people holding Victor hostage are Ivar and Isis, twins shapeshifters from a different Asgardian clan who used to run around causing havoc with Frederick. They're also lovers. The fact that Ivar, Isis, and Incest all start with 'I' cannot be a coincidence.

To be honest, Freya's reaction, while appropriately freaked out, is a little mild:

Witches of East End Is All About Creepy Supernatural Sex This Season

I also laughed out loud at Isis telling Freya that they were twins, "just like you." Freya's "Uh, no, not like us" is precious. You know nothing of your former life, Freya, how do you know?

In keeping with the magic swapping of the evening, the twins capture Freya and Victor, who has been tortured nearly to death, and tie Freya up to a magic bomb. Frederick tells Joanna about the twins holding them hostage in return for getting the portal opened again and going home. She's pissed, and Frederick kills Ivar with a magic snake and Joanna takes out Isis. She can't magically disarm the bomb, so Victor tells her to swap his place with Freya's. He's already been tortured near to death, and is willing to sacrifice himself for Freya. I am not, because Freya's still the worst.

Witches of East End Is All About Creepy Supernatural Sex This Season

How do I know she's still the worst? After Killian comes to talk to her, she doesn't let him say whatever it was he came to tell her. She just turns weepy eyes on him and says, "My father died" and hugs him. This was the point I realized we hadn't seen Eva all episode and wondered out loud "WHERE IS YOUR WIFE, KILLIAN?"

This is the season with a theme about evil sex. The incest twins here. The tentacled magic roofier. I'm going to go ahead and assume Eva's evil, and she's definitely sexing up Killian. There's no good sex in this show. A point proven by the last plot of the evening:

Witches of East End Is All About Creepy Supernatural Sex This Season

Wendy

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? An entire episode of Wendy and her EMT suitor, and they don't do anything? Nothing. I HAD EPISODE FOUR IN THE POOL, LIFETIME. IS THIS HOW YOU REPAY ME FOR SPENDING MY SUNDAY NIGHTS WITH THIS SHOW?

Wendy and the EMT have a picnic. Isis, in disguise as a rat, ruins it.

They go to the bar, Wendy throws a dart right into the EMT.

Their car breaks down and the EMT broke Wendy's phone.

They almost get run over by a car.

Wendy kisses the EMT after having peanuts, nearly sending him into anaphylactic shock. She stabs him with an epi-pen.

There's a supernatural force at work ruining this, right? That would be about right for this show. Of course, now that this episode has utterly ruined my reputation as a pop culture prognosticator, all my guesses about these two could be wrong.

Witches of East End Is All About Creepy Supernatural Sex This Season

So, goodbye Victor. Your appearance was so brief and you did very little, but I will miss you. And its nice to see a dude fridged. Which is what this was, no doubt. It was designed to drive a wedge between Joanna and Frederick, since nothing Wendy said was having any effect. We'll seeif he's a red herring that will distract the family from true dangers or actually a real threat.

Even though I joked about wondering where Eva was this week, I don't really care about her. Or Killian. Or Freya. This was actually a near-perfect episode for the lack of that love triangle. It tells you everything that Killian hugging Ingrid for saving him felt a lot more natural than Freya hugging him because her dad died.

But as much as I liked that both magic plots paralleled each other in theme and that the show has clearly decided that "gross sex" is this season's running plot, Wendy not hooking up with the EMT broke my heart. Damn you, Lifetime. Damn you.