I have nothing against the Virgin Mary per se — some of my best friends are virgins — but she's not exactly the kind of thing you want to see in the middle of a political science fiction movie about genetic engineering, OK? Watching this flick gave me the same bad taste in my mouth that I got watching The Fifth Element, another scifi movie by a French dude with a hot young white girl playing the innocent holy mother type whose power is love and crap like that.

In the case of Babylon AD, things aren't even as abstract as they were in Fifth Element. Not only does virgin lady Aurora have the power of love and innocence on her side, but she is literally a virgin mother. She's some kind of genetically-engineered, hand-wavey thing raised by A.I. (but also raised by Michelle Yeoh in a nunnery in Mongolia — what?) to be a super-being who can have even-more-super-babies whose power (I think) involves disintegrating missiles. Sorry, but no amount of editing on the part of Fox caused the plot to be that lame. I believe Kassovitz that a lot of cool stuff was cut out. But nobody forced him at lawyerpoint to make a movie whose whole point was, in the end, that good men are strong and good women have babies without fucking anybody.

Alright, so now you know the dumb part. But there are a lot of surprisingly cool parts too, not the least of which is seeing Diesel's slow-burn smile before he busts some heads.

Kassovitz has said that before the edit butchery, the film was going to focus a lot more on the plight of future refugees, and luckily a lot of incredibly interesting world-building related to that idea is still in the film. If you take your eyes off the flamey-burney for a second, you'll notice that hero Toorop (Diesel) is trekking from Russia to Mongolia, then taking his cargo (virgin lady and badass protector Yeoh) through Kazakhstan, then Russia, then across the Bering Straight via illegal sub (in a seriously amazing scene), down through Canada and into New York City. Along the way, we are treated to some very compelling images of what the future might hold, in geopolitical terms.

Toorop is taking his human cargo on a refugee route to America, since they're trying to go stealth. In one amazing scene, the mobster who hired Toorop for the smuggling job tells him to "wait for a car" to pick him up. We're not sure what to expect, but it's certainly not a sedan covered in homebrew armor being lowered slowly out of the sky on a giant magnet attached to a helicopter. Toorop gets in, cranks up some Russian music on the on-board computer, and gets flown over the Russian urban wasteland via helicopter magnet. That scene alone, of the shit car hanging by a chain over a city being eaten by its own corrupt industry, is almost worth the price of admission. It perfectly captures the atmosphere Kassovitz was trying for: A world where technologies have advanced for the few, but where most are living with cobbled-together mech in places ruled by mobsters.

In Kassovitz' future, passports are implanted and borders are patrolled by UAVs. Russian refugees run across the frozen arctic ocean to reach stealth subs that will only surface for two minutes so they aren't caught on satellite. And every open public area is bathed in surveillance, so it's impossible to be completely stealth.

America, in Kassovitz' vision, is ruled by religious corporations who jockey for power the way mafia gangs do in Russia. Aurora, our virgin mother, is the outcome of an experiment by one such American religion, whose leader (played by the amazing Charlotte Rampling) has paid a famous scientist to make her so she can claim a "miracle" for her religion. There's a great and demented moment where Rampling addresses her board room full of toadies and screams about how she wants to be the "most powerful religion in the world," and Aurora will help her do it.

I like the idea that our Virgin Mary is basically the genetically-engineered creation of a huckster. But unfortunately Kassovitz wants her to be a genuine Virgin Mary too. That's why she has the power of using her poofy lips and bluest eyes to gentle all the hardened men around her — and to tell the future, maybe, and feel other people's pain and stuff like that. She's your basic Catholic allegory lady, totally out of place in a movie about mercenaries, terrorists, refugees, and evil religions.

Of course, Aurora the Virgin lady also has to redeem our mercenary Toorop, whom she literally kills and brings back to life (with the help of a mad scientist/cyborg played by the Merovingian from The Matrix). So lemme see: We've got a Virgin Mary lady, a redemption via resurrection, a false prophet whose plans are foiled, and wait for it . . . we've got a final weird coda where the once-leather-clap Toorop is in like white linen and caring for the virgin-born little girls. WTF Kassovitz? The director claims he wanted his movie to allow his characters to have "metaphysical experiences."

That's great. How about if I just pull an Obi Wan on you and say, with a wave of my hand, "These are not the metaphysical experiences you were looking for."

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen:

Co-writer Robert Orci answered fans' questions about the Transformers sequel, and dropped a few hints. We probably won't see any more of the soda-machine Decepticon, Dispensor. He can't promise there will be no pissing this time around. He was coy about whether Soundwave will have minions. Some things that were too "out there" for the first movie will be in the second movie. (Like maybe that transforming aircraft carrier attack we featured concept art of?) There will "probably" be Transformers who have animal modes instead of human modes, like Scorponok.

Orci also says it's not true that Jonah Hill pulled out of the movie because he was disgusted with the script — Hill read the script and expressed a concern that the character, Sam Witwicky's sidekick, was too similar to the roles he'd been playing already. Orci and his cowriter, Alex Kurtzman, said they'd be happy to make Hill's character different, and Hill was happy. But then the agents got involved, and it fell through somehow because of scheduling or an inability to reach a satisfactory arrangement.

Also, Orci repeated past statements about the theme and structure of T:ROTF. We'll see the Transformers from early on in the film, instead of building up to a reveal as in the first film. And it's about being away from home, in the sense of Sam being off at college and in the sense of the Transformers being far from Cybertron. Also, instead of having three storylines running separately, this movie will have stories moving in parallel instead. Also, the writers "have talked about" including megavillain Unicron at some point. [TFW2005 via Slashfilm]

Land Of The Lost:

Here's a new image of Will Ferrell and a Sleestak named Enik, who guards a time portal and is a throwback to a more civilized era of Sleestak civilization. (More at the link.) [LA Times via Collider]

Babylon A.D.:

In the dystopian future movie that opens Friday, Vin Diesel's mercenary character Toorop is banned in the U.S. as a terrorist. Also, Melanie Thierry's character Aurora has a breakdown/seizure on a submarine. [Sci Fi Weekly]

Sarah Connor Chronicles:

I was already super-excited for season two of the Terminator show, but a new plot twist has me even more jazzed. When Cromartie needed a new body in season one, he stole the appearance of a C-list actor (played by Garret Dillahunt, as is Cromartie now.) And it turns out that actor, George Lazlo, is still alive, and getting lots of attention as the suspect in the murder of all those FBI agents. As a result, all of Lazlo's crappy old movies are being rediscovered and becoming cult classics. [BuddyTV]

Also, in the first episode of the new season, as the cast is dealing with the fallout from that car bomb, John Connor turns 16 and has to confront his heroic destiny on his own. And the season's eighth episode will be called "The Tower Is Tall But The Fall Is Short." [SpoilerTV]

Doctor Who:

Grain of salt time: an article in the News Of The World claims two of the four 2009 Doctor Who specials will be filmed in the U.S. and will feature an American companion. And supposedly David Tennant will definitely leave after the specials. [Blogtor Who]

Caprica:

In the first few episodes of the Battlestar Galactica prequel (which is only greenlit as a TV movie so far), we never go into space at all. Caprica is about the machinations and subterfuge that go on inside big business, when they're developing something really important — in this case, artificial intelligence, says producer Michael Angeli.

And here's how Ron Moore describes Caprica: "It's about a vibrant society. It's really at the height of its power and the height of its decadence at the same time... So it's really a thriving, vibrant culture that's going to come apart as we watch, but it's sort of the roller coaster. It's thrilling at the top when you see how far down you've got to go." So it sounds as though Caprica was already coming apart at the seams long before the Cylons destroyed it. [Associated Press]

Smallville:

In the seventh episode of Smallville season eight, "Identity," Jimmy Olson snaps a picture of a red-and-blue blur. Clark is determined to keep Jimmy from discovering the truth about who's been saving the day, and this forces Clark to confront some harsh truths about having a dual identity. [Kryptonsite]

Meanwhile, Jimmy and Chloe do get married, but it doesn't go according to plan. In fact, it's a "bloody mess." [E! Online]

Heroes:

The fourth episode of Heroes season three is called "I Am Become Death." [Heroes Spoilers]

Also, we mentioned that Future Sylar has a kid named Noah, after HRG. But the kid's mother is "silver-tongued and alive," says Zachary Quinto. Also, the Petrelli clan doesn't just have one living relative they didn't know about — they have two. A second secret Petrelli will be revealed later in the season. [E! Online]

Fringe:

Okay so many of you have already seen the pilot episode of J.J. Abrams' FBI agent/mad scientist team-up show. But maybe you'd still like to see an official Fringe music video of "Walking On Air"? There are also a ton of new promos at the link. [Spoiler TV]

Also, the crazy shit that happens in Fringe is always related to the characters and helps you explore their moral center, says creator J.J. Abrams. [TV Week]

Stargate Atlantis:

The Sci Fi Channel released detailed plot information for the SGA two-parter, which airs on Sept. 26 and Oct. 10:

"First Contact": Stargate SG-1's Dr. Daniel Jackson travels to Atlantis when his research suggests that a rebellious Ancient scientist named Janus may have hidden a secret lab somewhere within the city. Hoping to find it, and possibly a significant portion of his unauthorized research, Jackson enlists Dr. McKay's help. An obscure log entry leads them to a cloaked lab where they unwittingly activate a signal on a distant planet. Hours later, the city is paid a visit by a group of mysterious aliens.

Meanwhile Woolsey, along with Dr. Keller and Ronon, have joined Colonel Caldwell on board the Daedalus, leaving Sheppard in charge of Atlantis. They welcome Todd and his delegation to the ship to discuss testing Keller's gene therapy on live Wraith subjects. But events take a turn for the worse when Todd, suspecting them of betrayal, takes control of the Daedalus.

"The Lost Tribe": Dr. Daniel Jackson and Dr. Rodney McKay have been forced to reactivate the Attero device, a machine designed thousands of years ago to annihilate the Wraith. In doing so, they discover the reason the device was ultimately abandoned by its Ancient creator — while destroying Wraith ships that attempt to travel through hyperspace, the weapon inadvertently causes active Stargates to self-destruct.

Meanwhile, Todd and his troops continue to hold Woolsey, Keller, Ronon and the Daedalus crew captive, convinced that they are behind the resurrection of this deadly technology. Fearing that if Todd succeeds in destroying the device, Jackson and McKay will most certainly be killed in the process, Sheppard calls on some old allies to help him rescue his friends.

[Gateworld]

Babylon A.D.:

Co-star Melanie Thierry explained what the Vin Diesel-starring Babylon A.D. is really about:

You have the love story... It's not only an action movie. It goes beyond that. We have the humanity just so close to the chaos. It's frightening. It's talking about clones. It's talking about global warming. It's about terrorism. It's about the danger of ... science. And I know I'm very afraid about the danger of science. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it goes too far and it's dangerous. It's about religion.

That narrows it down. [Sci Fi Wire]

Lost:

Here are casting calls for two guest-stars who will show up in the second episode of Lost season five:

• Darlene: Early 20s, any ethnicity. A bored clerk who hates her sucky job and looks for any burst of excitement to get through the shift. Alternative in dress and style, plays guitar in her own band but needs the day job to pay the bills...CO-STAR.
• Jill: Late 20s to late 30s; any ethnicity. A butcher who is one hard-as-nails cool chick. A tomboy, bit of a searcher, and highly competent beyond her station in life...CO-STAR.

Torchwood:

Filming of Torchwood's shortened season three started up, with actor Paul Copley (Coronation Street) joining the cast. So far, there are just a few photos of Eve Myles wearing her usual outfit. But fans report they've seen Noel Clark (Mickey) on set with John Barrowman. There's also a scene where Rhys steals this guy's laptop, while Gwen keeps him distracted. There was a lot of filming at the Coal Exchange, a gorgeous old abandoned building. [Blogtor Who and Wales Online and Doctor Who Forum]

Heroes:

Another glamorous look at how the cast of Heroes will appear in season three. Ando looks pretty snazzy in that suit, and it looks like Maya will be hitting Forever 21. [Heroes Spoilers]

Knight Rider:

I got hold of a ton of script pages for the sixth Knight Rider episode, "I Wanna Rock 'n' Roll All Night," and my eyes are still bleeding. The pages were released as "casting sides," but they're almost certainly actual script pages.

Mike and Sarah are investigating a terrorist guy named Max, and his accomplice, a Congressman's daughter named Nikki Grant. Meanwhile, Sarah and Max are having a harder and harder time dealing with their lingering sexual tension, with Mike making sassy comments about how frisky they used to be when they were 16.

At one point, Mike and Sarah are processing their relationship in front of KITT the super-car, and Sarah gets embarrassed, so Mike asks if KITT can shut himself down. KITT says yes, but the bad guys are approaching. Later, Mike comes to Sarah's "pod" and tries to seduce her. And at the end of the episode, Mike is all like, "One boy, one girl, one pod, one night," which is the crappiest come-on ever. And Sarah is tempted.

Meanwhile, Nikki and Max are trying to break into top-secret installations together because that's what terrorists do. And at one point, Nikki shoots Mike in the arm. Later, when Mike and Sarah get the drop on Nikki and Max, Max tries to use Nikki as a human shield with a knife at her throat. Mike's all like, "The human shield thing works better if you use someone who hasn't shot me."

Eventually, the good guys catch Nikki, but her Congressman dad tries to pull some strings to get her out of trouble. And then the Congressman and Nikki want to have a private talk alone in Charles Graiman's office — which is just an excuse for Nikki to use her wireless gizmo to hack into Graiman's computer and steal KITT's "entire operating schematic." Pwned!

GRAIMAN: She couldn't have logged onto my computer. My system's locked.
BILLY: It's still locked, but it's been breached.
And a bit later:
SARAH: She must have had some kind of wireless scanner.

And then Max rescues Nikki! OMG! And that leads to a great sequence where Max and Nikki are uploading KITT's schematics. Mike confronts them and asks if they're selling KITT's secrets to North Korea. And Nikki says no, they're uploading them to the internet so everyone can know the truth about what their government is up to. (I'd be like, "My government's making a super-car? Cool!") That leads to this amazing line of dialog:

BILLY (a few miles away at the Graiman HQ): I blocked their transfer but ran a mimic program to make it look like it went through.

Dude! He blocked the transfer AND ran a mimic program on it. That's some hard core haxx0r shit. And then Max and Nikki make the mistake of trying to make a getaway in KITT, who totally gasses them.

Okay, there's more, but my eyes have started bleeding again. [Script pages]

Oh, meanwhile, remember that totally insanely ludicrous script I reviewed in way too much detail a while back? The one about the road-racing kids who want a lime green lamborghini, and later they bury Mike up to his neck in the sand and almost run him over? Anyway, remember the road-racing groupie girl that Mike impresses with his KITT-given knowledge of Pablo Neruda? Well, here's the first picture of her, played by Kristine Anapau. [Moviehole via Knight Rider Online]

And here's some more Knight Rider eye candy, from the episode "Knight In Shining Armor." [Knight Rider online]

Chuck:

Luckily, as a palate-cleanser of sorts, I also scored a bunch of script pages for the ninth episode of Chuck season two. That's the one where Casey's old sensei turns traitor and sells arms to bad guys. He also steals a rocket directional system from the Jet Propulsion Lab, which could be used to steer a nuclear weapon. The script keeps mentioning in the directions that "if Casey had feelings" he'd be pissed off or furious or whatever.

Early on in the episode, Casey manages to bury a pen in his former sensei's arm. Unfortunately, it's a Buy-More pen with the address of the store where Casey and Chuck work. In the end, Casey and Chuck confront the former sensei, Bennett, and Chuck is encouraging Casey to open up: "Tell him, Casey! Bare your soul!" Casey just tries to strangle Chuck, who tells Sarah: "Casey doesn't really have a calm center. He has an angry center."

Casey beats on his former sensei, the judo/karate/etc. super-black-belt, in front of all his evil disciples. The sensei, beat to a pulp, yields. And Casey tells the minions: "There's your sensei. Take a good look. Who's next?" Nobody volunteers to receive a Casey beat-down.

Meanwhile, we meet Captain Awesome's parents, Woody and Honey Woodcomb, in town to plan Captain Awesome and Ellie's wedding. (Woody explains that his dad thought a bad nickname builds character.) They're both doctors, and are just as buff and can-do as the Captain, going for 10000 mile bike rides early in the morning.

They decide that they want to be Ellie's new parents, and pressure her to call them Mom and Dad. They insist on Ellie registering for wedding presents at Buy More, including a vacuum sealer so Saturday's barbecue can become Sunday's picnic. And a camcorder for the honeymoon, and then the grandkids.

At one point, Sarah and Ellie are having dinner with the Awesomes while Chuck is handcuffed at the Orange Orange and trying to use yogurt to make his hand slippery enough to get out of the cuffs. (It just gets messy.) Woody offers to walk Ellie down the aisle since her dad's not in the picture, and Ellie flips out:

I said yes to the big Connecticut wedding, yes to the burgundy organza bridesmaid dresses, yes to the harpist and the calla lillies and the doves released after the I-do's, but I can't say yes any more. I know you're both just trying to help, but the answer is no. No to everything.

She rushes out, and there's an awkward pause. Then Daddy Awesome turns to Sarah and says, "So. Sarah, you're in the yogurt game." [Script pages]

And hey, here are some cute pics from the Chuck season opener, "Chuck vs. The First Date." Chuck on a date with Sarah, and it looks like Michael Clarke Duncan gets in the way. Update: gallery should now have all the pics. [SpoilerTV]

[via Twitch]

Transformers 2:

Here's a silver concept car that was spotted on the set of Transformers 2 in Philadelphia. Fans speculate it's a 2009 Saturn Astra sedan, or a Corvette C7. (More at the link.) [Transformers Live via Seibertron]

And some other set photos show Bumblebee and Shia, plus a shot that required exact measurements of elbow-to-car-door distance. [Flickr via Latino Review]

Another set report involves a scene at a frat party at "the Castle," where Shia has parked Bumblebee in the bushes. Some cute coeds walk past, oohing and aahing over the cool car. And then Bumblebee's alarm sounds, and Shia runs outside. Some frat boys get pissed that a freshman parked his car in the bushes, but Shia says it's a friend's car and he just parked it there for a moment. The frat boys are all like, "why don't I park my foot in your ass?" and Shia says he'll move the car. Then he roars off to deal with some Decepticons. [Tformers.com]

G.I. Joe:

Remember that G.I. Joe drill vehicle we showed you from the New York Licensing Show? Apparently it's called the Mole Pod, and Cobra operatives — possibly including Destro and Storm Shadow — use it to tunnel into G.I. Joe headquarters at the Pit. Here's a video. [The Man Room]

Wall-E:

Here's a new Wall-E featurette that talks about the cinematography (with the help of industry legend Roger Deakins), but more importantly shows a bit more of the Tomorrowland-inspired world the humans live in — which is jammed with consumerist holographic banners for Buy'n'Large stuff, including some gross-looking fast food. [First Showing]

The Spirit:

Remind me again how Frank Miller's The Spirit movie isn't another Sin City? Here's a new poster that showcases how Scarlett Johansson will look as Silken Floss, and apparently she's a naughty dominatrix. Click to enlarge:

Doctor Who:

Supposedly these are leaked pictures of Davros and the new Red Dalek from the end of the current season of time-travel dramedy Doctor Who. They look pretty genuine to me, for what it's worth. [Cathode Ray Tube]

And Digital Spy once again has nine true spoilers and two fake ones for next Saturday's Doctor-lite episode, "Turn Left." It makes sense that we'll once again see characters from "Smith And Jones" and shots of the Titanic crashing from "Voyage Of The Damned," since we'll be revisiting those episodes without the Doctor's involvement. And it seems plausible that Rose would warn Donna that Davros "lives." [Doctor Who Hideout]

Meanwhile, there are non-jerking-around spoilers for "Turn Left" in a British magazine article. The episode is "bookended" by scenes in "our" reality, but the rest of the episode takes place in an alternate reality. Donna drives in a different direction (turns left instead of right) on the day she met the Doctor — so she never meets him. She starts seeing flashes of a mysterious blonde woman (Rose) who warns her that time and space are fracturing. Rose won't say her own name, and says she can't say certain words in certain places because of the unraveling of the space/time continuum. And Donna has a beetle thingy on her back. The episode ends with a ginormous cliffhanger back in the "real" reality. (And I'm actually quite looking forward to this one — I love alternate reality "what if" stories.) [Bad Wolf One]

The Middleman:

Some more spoilers for The Middleman, the superhero show that starts tonight on ABC Family. One minute Wendy is answering phones at a laboratory, the next she's fighting "a tentacled beastie with 10 eyes." The Middleman, impressed with her prowess, tries to recruit her and tells her supervillains are real. How come she never knew this before, she asks. He replies: "People want to believe reality’s normal. The ones who don’t are freaks and no one believes them, anyway." Wendy accepts a gig fighting crime at his side, but more just because she needs the work. Also tonight, a killer is gunning down scientists and leaving a banana peel at the scene of each crime — and an ape lab run by Mary Jo Rajskub (24) may be involved. At one point Wendy asks someone, "Did you skinny dip in the stupidity pool?" and there's a black-and-white homage to the 1960s TV show The Avengers, with John Steed and Mrs. Peel. [Boston Herald]

Also, apparently the whole first episode is available as a free download on iTunes. But you have to give them a credit card number, which I refuse to do. [iTunes, via Buzzsugar]

Heroes:

In the new Heroes season, Greatest American Hero star William Katt plays a seedy reporter who chases after Nikki Sanders (Ali Larter), in whatever personality she's expressing this time around. [Newsarama]

And Linderman, the shadowy Vegas manipulator played by Malcolm McDowell, will be back for five episodes in Heroes season three. Yes, nobody is ever gone forever from that show. (Although it could be flashbacks only, you never know. McDowell seemed to hint his character would be back for realz though.) [Superhiro]

Babylon A.D.:

Here are a few new stills from Vin Diesel's new post-apocalyptic movie Babylon A.D. [DVD Forum via IESB]

Looks like Aurora's special powers are slowing down space and time with her mind beams. Also, her lady pal Sister Rebecca can kick a lot of karate ass. Oh yeah and Thoorop has robot hands and dies, he says so himself.

Here's the official synopsis:

Veteran-turned-mercenary Thoorop takes the high-risk job of escorting a woman from Russia to China. Little does he know that she is host to an organism that a cult wants to harvest in order to produce a genetically modified Messiah.

[SciFiCool]

Last year, dystopian future movie Babylon A.D. held a contest on MySpace to generate user video to appear on video screens in the background of some of the film's scenes:

[Director] Mathieu [Kassovitz]'s goal is to enhance the authenticity of this film by adding futuristic and innovative ads and fake news footage. We will integrate them, throughout the film on various screens : futuristic TVs, personal tablets, vehicles and especially on a huge scale, on the sides of New York buildings. That is why he thought he should launch this contest to give a chance to anyone who wishes to show their vision of the future.

A surprisingly long list of people "won" the contest, which means Vin Diesel will be scowling his way past loads of weird video made by tweens using FinalCutPro. Which is sort of awesome, actually. Also, I think Diary Of The Dead had a similar contest recently. [Watchmen YouTube contest, thanks to Michael]

To be fair, we already didn't have high hopes for this film, based on reports that Diesel threw a ton of hissy fits on the set, and the filming went severely over budget and off schedule. And the synopsis sounds very Ultraviolet-esque: In the near future, society has collapsed, as it tends to in near-future movies. And Dieslel is a mercenary, who's hired to bring a young woman (Melanie Thierry) and a nun (Michelle Yeoh!) from Russia to China. But it turns out the girl carries a virus that allows you to shape your own DNA, or attain a new level of consciousness, or something. It's really not clear. And a whole bunch of different groups are fighting over her, including religious nuts. Diesel has to keep her safe through demilitarized zones and fight clubs and Blade Runner-esque nightmares.

It sounds like something you'll want to watch on DVD — in the director's cut. [Twitch Film]

Note: You're really kind of voting for two things here. Which of these movies will be the biggest hit, and the most surprising hit? I wouldn't personally be that surprised if Incredible Hulk does well, but I'm including it because many commenters yesterday saw it as having weak buzz. Meanwhile, I would be stunned if Babylon A.D. played to more than a handful of confused Babylon 5 fans, despite the awesome presence of Vin Diesel and Michelle Yeoh.

So what's the biggest sleeper hit of 2008?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Movies we're looking forward to:

The Signal (Feb. 22). A weird signal takes over TVs, radios and cell phones, and makes everybody lose their shit. The tagline is "Do you have the crazy?" and it's become our new standard greeting. The buzz about this horror/SF hybrid from Sundance was pretty exciting. Divided into three segments, with three different directors, the stories of people driven berzerk by mass communications include killing sprees and demented sex. In the neopolis of Terminus City.

Outlander (early 2008). Okay. Alien versus Vikings. If that doesn't thrill you, your heart is made of dung. In a nutshell, Jim Caviezel (Passion of the Christ) is an alien whose spaceship crashes in ancient Norway. He soon realizes the crash had another survivor, a rampaging monster called the Moorwen. So Caviezel has to convince the feuding Viking clans to work together to destroy the best. It's like Beowulf, with space guns.

The Incredible Hulk (June 13). Ang Lee has lowered our expectations to the point where any Hulk movie that doesn't feature mutant poodles will thrill us. But it also sounds as though this version will stick to monster-movie basics. The Hulk's daddy issues will be in the background where they belong. And Edward Norton gives good man-with-monster-inside, judging from American History X.

The Dark Knight (July 18). Batman Begins wasn't perfect (Ra's Al Ghul was a boring villain) but it did have the right pulpy feel. And Knight could be the rare sequel that improves on the original, thanks to Heath Ledger's angry-nerd Joker. The viral Gotham Times site, with details on the crime war, overcrowded mental institutions and families fleeing Gotham, makes us feel director Christopher Nolan's Gotham is a real place, not just a fantasy backdrop.

CJ7 (Jan. 31). Stephen Chow is veering into science fiction after a string of kung-fu hits. This story of a semi-homeless guy who scavenges a toy for his son (played by a girl) will probably drip with sentimentality, but it also looks inventive and crazy as hell. The junkyard toy turns out to be an alien dog, which could kick Wall-E's ass in a cuteness contest. And then the boy/girl gets transported into space, and (judging from the trailer) things get kind of trippy.

Movies we're cautiously optimistic about:

Iron Man (May 2). The suit looks cool. We're glad they're keeping the storyline of Tony Stark being a weapon-mongering asshole who learns a lesson. But it also looks seriously cartoony, and it's from the director of Elf and Zathura.

Franklyn (unknown). The sequences of Ryan Philippe in his spooky mask in the city of crazy religions sound awesome. The other stuff, about people in the here and now having emotional crises, sounds less awesome and more IFC-ish. But we trust director Gerald Morrow when he says all three storylines finally come together somehow.

Death Race (Sept. 26). A super-champion racer (Jason Statham) is convicted of a crime he didn't commit. His only hope is to race cross-country in a tricked out car with rocket launchers and shit, for the amusement of the multitudes. Another remake, plus another movie by Paul W.S. Anderson (Mortal Kombat). It'll probably be a guilty pleasure.

Cloverfield (Jan. 18) Better to think of this as a cheesy monster movie with an artsy twist (the handheld video cameras) than to build it up as a masterpiece in the making. The script from Drew (Buffy, Alias) Goddard will probably have some clever bits. And if Cloverfield rolls in enough clover, it could usher in a whole crazy new era of low-fi monster movies.

Speed Racer (May 9). It'll be a fun ride, judging from the trailer. But the Wachowskis are sticking too close to the source material's kiddie cartoon roots. And we're scared we'll have weird dreams about John Goodman's mustache after seeing this film.

Movies we're dreading in depths of our marrow:

Star Trek (Dec. 25) We've already explained our reasons why Star Trek should stay dead in general. But this movie, in particular, sounds horrendous. We lost all hope when they announced Leonard Nimoy is coming back as Spock. That means instead of a pure reboot, it has to be some sort of continuity-heavy restart. They'll have to use either time travel or flashbacks to justify Nimoy. But also, didn't we already go back to the beginning with the TV show Enterprise? We're predicting a very expensive flop that will make back its money overseas.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (Dec. 12) The words "Keanu Reeves as Klaatu" froze our blood. Keanu's biggest problem is his flat, stoner delivery, so having him play a super-bland alien might not be the best idea. But also, the original Earth Stood Still was such a product of Cold War anxieties that a remake will just feel like a nostalgia trip.

Babylon A.D. (Aug. 29). We love Vin Diesel and Michelle Yeoh, but this is just sounding more and more like a trainwreck. It had a troubled shooting, with delays, budget overruns and epic battles between Diesel and director Matthieu Kassovitz. Add in the fact that Kassovitz's previous film, Gothika, was universally panned. And the U.S. cut of Babylon will be 30 minutes shorter than the European release, so there's speculation our version may not even make sense.

Starship Dave (May 30). Pluto Nash wasn't enough. Eddie Murphy has to star in another kiddie SF comedy. And this one has a premise designed to lead to more slapstick than three Norbits put together. A group of tiny aliens led by Murphy travel to Earth in a spaceship disguised as a human (Murphy again), and they control him remotely. It sounds like an acid-induced remake of Steve Martin's All Of Me.

Hancock (July 2). The trailer confirmed our worst fears. After a string of serious roles, Will Smith is going to dust off his comedy chops to play a lame drunken superhero who falls for his image consultant's wife. There are two main problems right off the bat: Will Smith has done well in comedies where he's the straight man (Men In Black), but he's not so great at playing the fool. And superhero comedies like My Super Ex-Girlfriend usually don't have enough respect for the material to be funny.

February's Jumper is a Heroes-y movie from Doug Liman (Bourne Identity). Teenager David Rice tries to flee his abusive father — and then discovers he can teleport himself anywhere, instantly. As an adult (played by Hayden Christensen), David is reunited with his long-lost mother, only to see her killed. So he uses his teleporting power to search for the man he believes is responsible for the death of his mother, while dodging CIA recruiters. His Neo-esque posturing draws the attention of an NSA agent (Samuel L. Jackson) who's also a member of the ancient sect of Paladins, dedicated to wiping out teleporters like Christensen. He also meets another Jumper (Jamie Bell) who's been fighting the Paladins since he was a kid. Rachel Bilson plays Christensen's girlfriend, who learns the truth about his teleporting abilities, and becomes a hostage in the Jumper-Paladin battle. Liman says "there is no villain" in Jumper, because everyone is right in his/her own way. Here's a new still from the movie:

June's Incredible Hulk sticks much closer to the original comic than the 2003 Ang Lee version. According to the movie's official site and other sources, Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) works at a bottling plant in Brazil while he searches for the cure to the gamma radiation that turned him into the Hulk. But then General "Thunderbolt" Ross (William Hurt) tracks him down and a battle ensues. Banner runs back up to New York and meets up with his wife, Ross' daughter Betty (Liv Tyler, and here's a pic). Also in NYC, Banner meets his super-psychiatrist, Doc Samson. The Hulk's origin is "spooled out" throughout the movie, as the characters try to learn more about what caused him to exist. And there are plenty of big splosions (see video.) Trying to find a way to beat the Hulk, General Ross doses a soldier/KGB spy named Emily Blonsky (Tim Roth) with a serum that turns him into another monster, even stronger than the Hulk. Blonsky is stuck as a monster and wants revenge on General Ross. Banner finally does find a cure for being the Hulk, but has to turn back into the Hulk anyway, to stop the Abomination's rampage. TV's Hulk, Lou Ferrigno, will have a cameo. Here's a new peek at the Norton Hulk:

U.S. audiences will see a much shorter version of August's Babylon A.D. than Europeans. In the near future, society has broken down and competing cults and militias hold sway. Refugees are "doing anything" to escape the poverty and death of Europe and Asia. A veteran-turned-mercenary named Toorop (Vin Diesel) is hired to bring a young woman named Marie (Melanie Thierry) from Russia to China, accompanied by a nun (Michelle Yeoh). But then another organization offers him even more money for the girl, and Toorop realizes there's more to Marie than meets the eye. It turns out the girl is carrying a virus that will allow humans to alter their own DNA and "create new levels of consciousness." (She's also schizophrenic.) So all sorts of criminals and fanatics want to get their hands on the girl, including a sect that wants to use the virus to create its new messiah. Diesel has to use all his mercenary skills to get the "package" through militarized zones, fight clubs and gang wars. Taking user-generated content to new heights, director Matthieu Kassovitz (Gothika) launched a MySpace contest for futuristic advertisements to appear in the background of the film. According to news reports, Diesel's egomania and problems with location filming delayed the movie and drove it way over budget. Here's a teaser trailer: