Monday

If you'd rather not think about Turkey Day, you may want to skip both House (Fox, 8pm) and Heroes (NBC, 8pm) this week; both shows are having holiday-themed episodes.

House and his team treat "an exceptionally brilliant physicist" more successfully than they handle their own relationships, and the Petrellis have a "surprise guest" for their special turkey dinner. Maybe we'll see Sylar eat some turkey brains or something.

Tuesday

V wraps up its four-episode mini-run on ABC at 8pm with the lying title of "It's Only The Beginning" Here's the official network blurb:

Erica works with newly-formed allies to uncover a biological threat they suspect the Visitors have been plotting. Aboard the Mothership, Anna meets with a special guest while managing the investigation into the murder of a V. Chad does a segment on the V Healing Centers, demonstrating their amazing medical abilities, but then finds himself conflicted by some of his findings.

Findings like them eating mice, Chad? We can but hope.

Meanwhile, BBC America provides a non-fiction alternative with Apollo Wives (8pm), a documentary where the wives of the Apollo mission astronauts talk about what it was like for them to watch their husbands risk their lives flying to the moon and then return as some of the most famous people on the planet.

Wednesday

If you're not interested in Mythbusters taking on dumpster myths on the Discovery Channel at 9pm (Kari fans, it's her last episode before maternity leave), and the idea of another episode of ABC's Eastwick at 10pm leaves you cold (Roxie gets seduced by Darryl's art world connections, Joanna learns about the magical version of Einstein's theories and Kat stays away from the dating world, if you care), then all is not lost.

Cartoon Network's latest live action Ben 10 movie, Ben 10: Alien Swarm debuts at 7pm and, to be honest, you could watch worse this week.

Thursday

It's Thanksgiving, which means all of the usual Thursday night confusion takes a break to go eat with its family, and we're left with the choice of two marathons. The Discovery Channel lets rip with a Mythbusters marathon from 9am through to 3am, while Syfy, surreally, goes with a James Bond movie marathon, starting at 8am. Because... someone had to?

Even stranger is the order of the movies they're showing: Dr. No at 8am, License To Kill at 10:30am, Live And Let Die at 1:30pm, The Spy Who Loved Me at 4pm, Tomorrow Never Dies at 6:30pm, Casino Royale at 9pm, For Your Eyes Only at midnight, and The Man With The Golden Gun at 2:30am. Um... Okay?

Friday

Thanksgiving takes out all of today's regular programming as well, leaving us with the second day of Syfy's Bond In No Obvious Order Whatsoever Marathon, again starting at 8am. Today's movies are Thunderball at 8am, From Russia With Love at 10:30am, You Only Live Twice at 1pm, Diamonds Are Forever at 3:30pm, Casino Royale again at 6pm, GoldenEye at 9pm, Goldfinger at midnight and, finally, Never Say Never Again at 2:30am.

Seriously, are these being shown in order of someone's particular preference or something?

Saturday

Things begin to get back to normal with the appearance of a crazy gimmicked Syfy Original Movie: Beyond Sherwood Forest takes Robin Hood and his Merry Men and then puts them head to head with magic and monsters. It's kind of genius in its simplicity, really. Plus, look! Lois Lane!

Sunday

Of course, as usual, the week ends with a new episode of The Venture Bros on Cartoon Network at midnight. You're all watching this by now, right? It's probably the best season to date, even if we haven't approached anything as compelling as The Nozzle yet...

The survey of 3000 UK parents, carried out by website TheBabyWebsite.com, happily blamed television for children's bad dreams:

All children suffer from nightmares at some point during childhood. But there is no doubt that viewing unnecessary violence and hostility on television contributes to this.

Who wasn't the only show named and shamed; Primeval, Ben 10 and even Power Rangers had fingers pointed at them as bad influences, with two thirds of those polled admitting that they had trouble choosing what was and wasn't suitable for their children. Doctor Who, in particular, was singled out for being "too dark and sinister for under seven-year-olds," with the majority of those polled wanting it to be pushed to a later, less kid-friendly timeslot.

Speaking as someone who went through enough "watching television from behind my hands" moments as a nipper, I now want someone to poll 3000 British kids about how destructive to fertile imaginations over-protective parenting can be in the long-term. As well as the next season of Doctor Who to contain at least one terrifying moment per episode, just because.

TV shows including Doctor Who 'giving children nightmares' [Telegraph.co.uk]

Cartoon Network has long been a home for the quietly wonderful, whether it's Powerpuff Girls or Batman: The Brave and The Bold, and amongst the various reality shows (No, really) and Scooby Doo reboots, there are three new series that have caught our sci-fi eye:

Ben 10: Evolutions continues CN's favorite superhero franchise into another series, as Teen Titans' Glen Murakami and Justice League's Dwayne McDuffie give us a world where Ben Tennyson is now 16 and an "international mega-star super-hero," according to the network. But that's just the excuse for generational clashes as the kids love him and the adults want to control him. It's just like your childhood... but with superpowers!

Generator Rex is also from Man of Action, the collective who created Ben 10, and stars a teenage boy who's become infected by "molecular-altering nanites" that let him grow machines out of his body, and his worldwide mission to track down others infected by the same nanites.

Sym-Bionic Titan is easily the most exciting show; the new series from Samurai Jack creator Genndy Tartakovsky, it's described as a mix of "high school drama and giant robot battles," and centers around three aliens who try and escape their wartorn planet, only to become stranded on Earth. I foresee well-animated carnage ahead.

It's not only new shows that'll fill the network come September; the network also announced new seasons of Clone Wars, The Secret Saturdays and, thankfully, Batman: The Brave and The Bold.

A full list of the shows announced can be found here. As for the increasing amount of non-cartoons on the network, Stuart Snyder, the COO of parent company Turner Broadcasting's kids division, explained in a very unconvincing manner:

Our voice is changing... This is an evolution of our brand.

Dear Cartoon Network: Your brand is cartoons. While you may be going through brand puberty, that doesn't change the fact that non-cartoons theoretically doesn't belong with your brand at all. Still, at least we'll have new Batman....

Cartoon Network: 'Our voice is changing' [Hollywood Reporter]

Monday:

This week we may finally get some answers in Sarah Connor Chronicles. After last week's Mexican fiasco, it seems the team is hungry for some answers, and Sarah has to spill the beans on what she's done to change the course of fate. Plus it looks like we'll be getting some crazy dream sequences with all the bots and Sarah. SCC is on Fox at 8 PM.

Sarah Connor Chronicles Preview:

Sarah Connor Chronicles Clip:

It's blondes versus brunettes on Chuck this week as the old flopsy haired Nerd Herder has to chose between his fake girlfriend Sarah and his ex-girlfriend Jordana Brewster. "Chuck Versus the Fat Lady" is on NBC at 8 PM.

Chuck Preview:

Everybody is gunning for Peter and Claire this week (pretty much just like every other week on Heroes). Sylar gets in Elle's face at Pinehearst, and oh yeah — that eclipse that gave everybody superpowers, well, apparently "It's Coming" again. Heroes is on NBC at 9 PM.

Heroes Preview:

Heroes Clip:

Heroes Behind The Scenes:

Enjoy the last few episodes of My Own Worst Enemy while you still can. This week Edward kicks it with the KGB while Henry tries to uncover Angie's secret backstory (is she a spy too?). "The Night Train To Moscow" episode is on NBC at 10 PM.

Tuesday:

Get your fill of Elisha Dushku with a Tru Calling marathon from 8 AM until 3 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Walter goes back to the loony bin to uncover some time traveling ghost hunting craziness. Finally a more Walter-centric Fringe, which is exactly how I like my mad scientist, full of fruit-cup brilliance. Fringe is on 9 PM on Fox.

Wednesday:

Hooray, Pushing Daisies is back and this time with double the cheeky magic. Fred Willard is on as the top hatted magician who has been a surrogate father to Ned's half brothers. Fred's magical animal assistants are all dying off and the magician needs some help figuring out who's the culprit on NBC at 8 PM. Here are a collection of pics from the new episode.

No Knight Rider this week.

Movies:

Don your terrible wigs and even worse Eastern European accents: Van Helsing is on TNT at 11 PM.

Thursday:

Wedding bells are ringing for the secondary characters on Smallville. Will Chloe's wedding go off without a hitch? Probably not if Doomsday has something to say about it, plus Lana comes back and totally ruins the chances of Lois and Clark having an embarrassing open-bar wedding hookup. I bet she walks in right as they are about to kiss. Smallville is on the CW at 8 PM.

Smallville Clip:

Smallville Clip:

Smallville Preview:

Supernatural's Dean and Sam, have to make battle with yet more demons and angels, and Anna still isn't dead yet this week, but if the boys don't figure out how to kill a pack of angels, Dean's going straight back to hell — do not pass go, do not collect $200. "Heaven and Hell" is on the CW at 9 PM.

Supernatural Preview:

Supernatural Clip:

Supernatural Clip:

Supernatural Clip:

Sam Tyler gets to meet his Papa this week (who just so happens to be a crook) and holy cow — it's Dennis Duffy the beeper king, otherwise known as Charley Dixon from SCC. This guy is in everything! Life On Mars is on 10 PM at ABC.

Hood gets to meet some super secret super soldiers this week on Eleventh Hour at 10 PM on CBS.

Movies:

The ultimate reality TV show of the future follows baby Jim Carrey as Truman from conception to escape, in The Truman Show at 10 PM on TBS.

Friday:

Jar Jar is all over this week's Star Wars: The Clone Wars, so Binks-haters beware. He's actually mistaken for a Jedi and gets into wacky hijinks with C-3PO. "Bombad Jedi" is on Cartoon Network at 9 PM.

Clone Wars Preview:

The nerdgasm we've all been waiting for is about to air this week, in Stargate Atlantis' special "Brainstorm" episode. Not only is Bill Nye the Science Guy making a cameo, but so are Dave Foley and Neil deGrasse Tyson. This week McKay and Dr. Keller descend to Earth to watch McKay's rival Foley demonstrate his latest project. Atlantis is on 9 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Sanctuary's Will digs deeper into his father's past on 10 PM on the Sci Fi Channel.

Sanctuary Preview

Ben 10: Alien Force's Ship has to be saved from the Forever Knights on the Cartoon Network at 9:30 PM.

Batman gets face to face with some dinosaurs this week in Batman: The Brave and the Bold on the Cartoon Network at 8 PM.

Saturday:

Movies:

The Return Of The Joker is on 9 PM on the Cartoon Network.

Sunday:

Everything is going to Hell in a hand-basket on True Blood. Sookie starts to piece together the missing pieces of the local murders, and Sam gets a visit from an old buddy. Hopefully they meet in the shapes of animals. True Blood is on HBO at 9 PM.

True Blood Preview:

Movies:

Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt chase mother nature, but stay sexy in Twister at 6 PM on TNT.

It's not just big budget summer blockbusters anymore; now cable television is looking to the world of comics for material. Cartoon Network announced today that it's adapting three indie comics into made-for-TV movies, making sure that the adults of the future will have fond memories of warrior mice, teenage dragons and time-traveling families to look back on in years to come.

Ramsey Naito, the network's VP of Long-Form, talked up the projects:

We’re thrilled to expand our movie slate with both cinematic quality CG and live action... As we bring these and other titles into development, we’ll be seeking out projects that combine distinct voices with striking, contemporary visual worlds.

Live action, you say? Well, only two of the three movies - Mice Templar and Firebreather, both from Image Comics - will be animated, with the third, The Vanishers (based on an IDW comic from 2004), being planned as a live-action project similar to the network's successful Ben 10 movies.

The channel is clearly trying to grapple with the idea of "family friendly TV", with each of these family-centric tales: Templar has rodent hero Karic trying to save his family by reassembling a long-broken order of warrior mice, while Firebreather's teenage half-dragon, half-human hero, Duncan Rosenblatt has to wait until he's finished his chores before fulfilling his inherited destiny to save the world. Vanishers' heroes, Andy and Arvis, on the other hand, have a much less noble goal: they're just traveling through time so that their family can escape a group of robot bad guys out to enslave humanity, and who hasn't had to deal with that at least once in their life?

All projects have just moved into development; expect them to air late 2009 at the earliest.

Beloved Comic Book Titles Coming To Cartoon Network [The Futon Critic]

Based upon the Ben 10: Alien Force animated series, the new movie - again directed and produced by Alex Winter, AKA Bill S Preston from the Bill and Ted movies - will pick up with the characters from Race Against Time years later, with a teenaged Ben still using his Omnitrix to turn into multiple alien superheroes and save the day, despite the onset of hormones and potential High School Musical moments.

Cartoon Network chief content officer Rob Sorcher said that the movie will be "visually brilliant," leading Winter to respond that such pressure before he'd even started work on the project was "bogus". Personally, I'm hoping that this movie does so well that we'll see a Venture Bros. live-action movie announced before too long.

Cartoon Network does 'Ben 10' telefilm [Hollywood Reporter]

Cartoon Network is hoping that none of you are hoping to have a social life come fall, because they have something special planned for your Saturday nights instead: Stormtroopers, superheroes and "alien forces", making up what the channel is somewhat understatedly calling "a good night for sci-fi programs."

The new Saturday line-up - previously announced for Fridays - is being built around Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Cartoon Network's flagship fall show; joining it will be Batman: The Brave And The Bold, the new series that teams up a particularly cartoony Dark Knight with various other characters in the DC Universe, introducing viewers to more unfamiliar characters in the same way that Justice League Unlimited did in a similar timeslot years ago. Rounding out the night will be new episodes of Ben 10: Alien Force, Cartoon Network's homegrown show about a boy with the ability to turn into multiple superheroes at any given time.

The move is part of a plan to brand Saturdays as "a fantasy-adventure day" for the channel, according to CN chief of content, Robert Sorcher.

The start date for this new programming block hasn't been decided yet, but it wouldn't be unreasonable to guess that it'll probably be August 23rd or 30th, the two Saturdays following the Aug 15th opening weekend of the Clone Wars movie.

Cartoon Net Ramps Up Saturdays [SciFi Wire]

Tonight

The History Channel is re-running a special called Star Wars Tech at 8 PM.

Take a look at the technology shown throughout the six Star Wars films and examine their viability through the eyes of cold hard science. Could a Death Star really be built? Can you build an army of clones? What is 3-D imaging, and where can you get a Light Saber? Travel to a galaxy far, far away to answer all of these questions and more.

Tuesday

There's a new Nova on PBS: "Lord Of The Ants." Which makes me think of Michael Flatley and a bunch of ants in spangly tops clogging really quickly to some celtic folk-rock. But it's actually about the Mofu people of Cameroon, and their "unlikely alliance" with giant killer ants. Plus biologist E.O. Wilson's theories about ants. Check your local listings for times.

If you're ditching work, you have to choose between two movies, both
airing at 10 AM: Not Of This Earth on Sci Fi and Starship Troopers on TBS. What will you do? You may have to go to the office just to avoid the dilemma.

Also, Harrison Ford is on Letterman talking up the new Indiana Jones movie. Hopefully he'll look a little less embarrassed than he did on Good Morning America last Friday. Lost's Matthew Fox is also on Jimmy Kimmel Live, where he will probably try not to talk about Speed Racer.

Wednesday

PBS has a two-hour special called Depression: Out Of The Shadows, which I'm expecting to delve into some pretty science fictional themes, including the widespread use of brain-altering drugs by the population. Plus brain scans, and maybe electro-shock therapy. But yes, it will be somewhat depressing and feature wailing music. Here's a trailer:

If you're that rare person who A) cares about Lost and B) hasn't been keeping up with Lost, ABC is showing two recent episodes at 8: "Something Nice Back Home" and "Cabin Fever." And ABC Family is showing the 1998 U.S. version of Godzilla at 7 PM. It's got Matthew Broderick — how bad can it be?

And Harrison Ford continues his talk-show sweep, hitting Conan O'Brien.

Thursday

The History Channel has another new Mega Disasters, "Volcanic Winter," at 9 PM. Here's the damage:

The largest volcanic eruption of the past two million years occurred on the Indonesian island of Sumatra, 75,000 years ago. The impact from the super volcano Toba decimated the local habitat, but gas, ash and debris from Toba made their way around the planet and formed a shield in the atmosphere that deflected the sun's warming rays. Temperatures plummeted and the planet was thrown into a volcanic winter and may have even pushed the planet into an ice age. 3-D computer animation will recreate the storm and unveil how this one volcano could have brought humanity to the edge of extinction.

Also, the CW has a Smallville rerun, "Bizarro," at 8 PM.

AMC is showing science fiction movies pretty much all day, with Beneath The Planet Of The Apes at 9:15, The Lost World (the 1960 movie about dinosaurs and hot-pink dresses) at 11:15, The Thing at 1:15, The Day The Earth Stood Still at 3:30, Planet of the Apes at 5:30 and Jurassic Park at 8.

At 7:15, TCM has a documentary, Spielberg On Spielberg, followed by Close Encounters of the Third Kind at 9. And at 10 AM, TBS has Batman and Robin — which I think you guys voted the worst science fiction movie sequel of all time.

Guess who's on Regis And Kelly? Harrison Ford! Somebody is really nervous about whether people will come out to see Indiana Jones.

Friday

Why is the Sci Fi Channel taking a week off from its unstoppable Friday night block? I don't know, but they are. Instead, they're showing their usual diet of crappy movies: Meltdown: Days Of Destruction, Solar Attack, Scorcher, Fire Serpent... Aaaaa!

But fear not. IFC is showing the award-winning Icelandic film Paranoia 1.0, otherwise known as One Point Oh, starring Jeremy Sisto, Deborah Kara Unger and Lance Henriksen. A young computer programmer named Simon starts receiving weird empty packages in his apartment. He investigates, and discovers that stuff going on in his building includes an artificially intelligent robot head named Adam, a virtual reality sex game, and an evil company that may be conspiring against him. Simon's grip on reality gets more and more tenuous, and his craving for fresh milk increases. Creepy! That's at 9 PM.

Harrison Ford is on The View, and this time he's got Karen Allen (Marion Ravenwood) with him. That could actually be sort of interesting. And Battlestar Galactica's Tricia Helfer is on The Late Show With Craig Ferguson.

At 12:20 Saturday morning, Cinemax has a movie with the intriguing title of Super Ninja Bikini Babes. You pretty much know, after reading that title, whether this is your type of movie. Apparently a coed discovers an alternate universe. A universe... of bikinis.

Saturday

Both Spectacular Spider-Man episodes on The CW starting at 9:30 are reruns. Sorry. And so is this week's Ben 10: Alien Force on the Cartoon Network.

But at least there's a new Transformers: Animated: "Rise Of The Constructicons." Finally, we're getting somewhere. A couple of construction vehicles get brought to life by the Allspark. Bulkhead makes friends with them, but the Decepticons want them to help with a new construction project. (It's a patio, I bet.) That's at 10:30 on the Cartoon Network. Also new (to Americans) is an episode of French cartoon Robotboy at 11:30 on Cartoon.

Sick of Harrison Ford yet? A&E is re-running his Biography episode at 7 AM, followed by Shia LaBoeuf's at 8 AM.

And there's a rerun of another Star Wars documentary, Star Wars: Empire Of Dreams, on A&E at 11 AM. It's followed by Sphere and Alien: Resurrection.

Sunday

Spike has the original Predator, with Arnold Schwartzenegger versus an invisible hunter-killer alien, at 3:30 PM. FX is showing League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen at 5 PM, if you're feeling masochistic.

At least next week, there'll be stuff again. Lost will have its two-hour season finale, and Battlestar Galactica will be back. And A&E will be showing its four-hour Andromeda Strain miniseries on Monday and Tuesday nights at 9. Hang in there.

Tonight

Tonight sees the two-hour season premier of American Gladiators on NBC. This show is set in a bleak future dystopia where a drugged populace watches people compete in brutal events like "Rocketball" and "Vertigo," where survival is the greatest prize. Oh, wait.... never mind. If you like your contests of life and death a little more fictional, AMC is showing Terminator 2 at 8 PM.

Shia LaBoeuf is on Letterman tonight at 11:30ish, talking about Indiana Jones and explaining why he thought it was a great idea to play a "swashbuckling biker" named Mutt.

Tuesday

Shia LaBoeuf continues his TV rampage by appearing on Good Morning America, along with William Shatner.

The History Channel has two episodes of Mega Disasters at 8 and 9 PM, including a new episode, "Mega Tsunamis." Did waves taller than the Statue of Liberty smash the coasts of the Mediterranean sea 8,000 years ago — and could a tsunami like that happen again? Also, at 11 PM, the History Channel has a rerun of Earth's Black Hole, a special about black holes and whether they affect our life here on Earth. The answer, apparently, involves going to the Bermuda Triangle. (Of course it does.)

Also, FX is showing League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen at 5, and Hellboy at 8 and 10:30.

And Wednesday morning at 1:10, TMC has The Man Who Fell To Earth starring David Bowie at his absolute freakiest.

Wednesday

The History Channel comes to our rescue once again, with an episode of Modern Marvels called "Mad Electricity" — it's all about Nikola Tesla, and how we're all using his discoveries constantly today. That's at 8 PM, followed by reruns of MonsterQuest and UFO Hunters.

And at 10 PM, TMC is showing Hollow Man 2, in which Christian Slater plays a cop pursuing an invisible killer. Yeah. I didn't know they made a sequel either.

Thursday

It's the Smallville season finale, "Arctic." This could be the last time you ever see Lex and Clark face off, with the smouldering and the Lex wanting to probe Clark's secrets. After tonight's episode, Lex actor Michael Rosenbaum is leaving the show — possibly never to return — and Lana will only be back for a few episodes. Also possibly gone? Chloe. Oh, and the show's co-creators Miles Millar and Al Gough are also taking off. So even though Smallville is coming back next season, this may as well be the show's final episode because it'll be almost unrecognizable next year. So maybe we'll actually get some resolution of the show's main plot arc? It might be worth tuning in just to find out. In any case, Lex finds Clark's Fortress of Solitude and learns Clark's secrets. Anyway, it's on The CW at 8. Here's a clip:

And then Lost has the first hour of its three-hour season finale, "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1." The survivors and the freighter people begin their final confrontation. And here's a trailer:

Also, TVLand has the 1999 movie of My Favorite Martian, starring Christopher Lloyd, at 8 PM. And TBS has the original Austin Powers at 9.

Friday

The Sarah Jane Adventures is already zooming towards the end of its first season on Sci Fi, with the second half of "Whatever Happened To Sarah Jane?" airing at 8 and the first half of "The Lost Boy" airing at 8:30. Sarah Jane gets restored to our timeline, but then her cozy little family gets broken up a different way: a family turns up claiming that her adoptive son Luke is their child. Oh, and Maria's dad finds out all about Sarah Jane's world-saving activities, and decides Maria should have no part of it. Here's a clip:

And at 9 PM, Sci Fi has the first half of a Doctor Who two parter, "The Sontaran Strategem." Some people liked this episode a lot better than I did, with the campy dancing and weird Sergey Brin knock-off. In any case, it brings the Doctor and Donna back to present-day Earth for a reunion with Martha Jones and the military organization U.N.I.T. You can read our recap of the episode here.

Battlestar Galactica has a new episode at 10 PM on Sci Fi: "Guess What's Coming To Dinner." The human survivors of the Cylon genocide reluctantly join forces with a group of rebel Cylons to destroy the crucial Resurrection Hub. And it looks like Hera has a favorite auntie. Oh, and if you're in Seattle, you can watch it with a group of fans. Here's the trailer:

Saturday

As usual, the CW has two Spectacular Spider-Man episodes starting at 9:30, including a new episode at 10. But this week's new episode is pretty special, because it features the debut of the sexiest female character from Spider-Man's comics (sorry, Mary Jane): the Black Cat. And just to up the sexiness quotient considerably, she's voiced by none other than Tricia Helfer, aka the Cylon Six on Battlestar Galactica. How much sexiness do you think you can stand at 10 AM on a Saturday morning?

And meanwhile, the Cartoon Network has another new Ben 10: Alien Force at 10: "Max Out." "The team searches for Gwen's missing brother Ken and uncovers a secret of the DNAliens invasion." And then at 10:30, there's a new Transformers: Animated, which sounds like the sort of wheel-spinning episode (sorry!) that TV shows do while they're waiting for the end of the season to shake things up: "Investigating a mysterious race car, Bumblebee gets involved with an illegal underground street racing circuit, which also captures the attention of the Decepticons." Street racing? Why would the Autobots care about street racing? Whatevs.

The Sci Fi Channel is showing all three 1980s Indiana Jones movies, starting at 4 PM. (They're also showing during the day on Sunday.) Also, at midnight, Sci Fi has Timeline, followed by Tremors 4: The Legend Begins and Prophecy: The Foresaken. (Why did it take until Tremors 4 for the legend to begin??)

Sunday

At 9 PM, Sci Fi is showing its big promo special about the new Indiana Jones movie: Mystery Of The Crystal Skulls. Apparently there really are 13 crystal skulls, of which a few have actually been found in Mexico and Central and South America. And they're a huge mystery to archeologists because they're so perfect and awesome. Not only that, but it turns out that if you assemble all 13 skulls, you can stop the world from coming to an end in 2012. (Why is Sci Fi the only channel reporting on this? You'd think CNN and C-Span would be interested in whether the world was ending in four years as well.) Anyway, it's investigative journalism at it's finest, and in no way is it just a cheesy promo stunt.

And Spike is showing Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back at 8 PM.

Tonight

Another slow Monday in scifi-land. FX is showing Elektra at 9 PM, just in case you want a yardstick to compare Iron Man to. And Sci Fi is showing a ton of Star Trek: Enterprise episodes, which means there's an even chance you'll see Jolene Blalock decontaminating herself if you watch all of them.

Robert Downey Jr. is on Jay Leno tonight at 11:30 on NBC, probably gloating about how many truckloads of cash Iron Man made over the weekend, and making completely random predictions about the storyline of Iron Man 2.

And at 1 AM Tuesday, AMC has The Cell, in case you want to fantasize that it's your disturbed unconscious that J.Lo is wandering into.

Tuesday

The History Channel has a new Mega Disasters at 9 PM, with an episode called "Hypercane." Somebody offered me some Hypercane at a party recently, but I heard that stuff eats away at your sinuses. Actually, here's the blurb:

65 million years ago a massive asteroid crashed into Mexico's Yucatan peninsula. 75% of all life on earth vanished; but could a single asteroid have been the lone killer? Theories about what happened after the impact have been speculated on by the entire scientific community. Ranging from global warming to lethal worldwide firestorms, ideas have been put forth—but none have been proven. Then in 1995 a new theory claimed that a powerful mega storm known as a Hypercane caused the extinction. The Hypercane allegedly reaches 20 miles into the stratosphere and has wind speeds of up to 700 miles per hour. 3-D computer animations will reveal how this storm could have brought down nearly all life on the planet.

FX is showing Batman Begins at 8 PM, in case you want to refresh your memory before The Dark Knight comes out.

And at midnight, Encore has the original Alien.

Wednesday

The History Channel has another new UFO Hunters at 10 PM, featuring analysis of NASA's actual UFO footage. If it comes from NASA, it must be real, right?

Encore has Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me at 8, and Waterworld at 9:40.

Emile Hirsch is on Letterman, talking up Speed Racer, which comes out Friday.

Thursday

There's a new Smallville on Sci Fi at 8 PM. Robert Picardo, the holographic doctor from Star Trek: Voyager, takes some time out from his role on Stargate: Atlantis to play a funny monk guy who has a whole serve-the-Traveler thing for Clark. Here's the trailer:

And then there's a new Lost at 10:02 PM, "Cabin Fever." Things heat up on the freighter, and meanwhile we learn a whole lot of new stuff about Locke. Here are a couple of preview clips:

Sci Fi has the first two Resident Evil movies at 7 and 9 PM.

And at 4 AM Friday morning, AMC has 1958's Earth Vs. The Spider, about hot-rodding teens who have a run-in with a giant arachnid. But is one of that motorcycle-riding kids named Mutt?

Friday

Sci Fi has another unstoppable Friday night lineup. At 8 PM, Sarah Jane Adventures has two more episodes, the end of "Warriors Of The Kudlak" and the first half of "Whatever Happened to Sarah Jane?" "Kudlak" has a somewhat disappointing revelation that you can see coming a mile off, but still features some great ass-kicking Sarah Jane moments. And "Whatever Happened" is basically pure win, making you realize quite what a dire place the world would be without our hero.

And at 9 PM, there's a new (to Americans) Doctor Who episode, "Planet Of The Ood." It's the return of those subservient wormy-faced slave creatures from season two's "Impossible Planet"/"The Satan Pit," now with more nonsensical exobiology. The episode in general doesn't make much sense, but it does feature some good moments between the Doctor and Donna. You can read my recap here. And here are the first 10 minutes of the episode:

And at 10, there's the sixth episode of Battlestar Galactica season four, which means we're halfway through the 2008 episodes already. This is the episode featuring Star Trek: Deep Space Nine's Nana Visitor as another cancer patient, and that means you can expect to see lots of President Roslin battling her own cancer. I wonder which book the Admiral will read to her from this week. Here's the trailer. Poor Gaeta:

Also, at 8:30 PM, TCM has 1959's On The Beach, one of the earliest post-apocalyptic movies ever, where survivors of a nuclear war wait in a submarine off the New Zealand coast for the radiation to reach them.

Saturday

There are two Spectacular Spider-Man episodes starting at 9:30 on The CW, including a new episode featuring the Green Goblin and John Jameson, the astronaut son of newspaper editor J. Jonah Jameson. And another classic Spider-villain may make an appearance.

The Cartoon Network has a new Ben 10: Alien Force at 10, followed by a new Transformers: Animated at 10:30. Transformers features "the debut of Wreck-Gar as well as the return of the Angry Archer."

IFC is showing the scifi-ish Human Nature at 9 PM — it's one of the lesser known Charlie Kaufman scripts, but still very worth checking out for its weird neuroscience and mice learning to eat salad with a knife and fork.

And the Sci Fi Channel has B-movies all day from 9 AM to 5 AM, including quite a few Sci Fi Original Movies. I want to list all the titles, just because they make me giggle: RAPTOR ISLAND, CARNOSAUR, CARNOSAUR 2, CARNOSAUR 3: PRIMAL SPECIES, PTERODACTYL, ROCK MONSTER, AZTEC REX, SABRETOOTH, and RAPTOR. I think Aztec Rex is appearing for the first time ever, at 9 PM and 1 AM. Somebody is excited, to the point of making a celebratory LOL-dinosaur.

Sunday

At 7 PM, Sci Fi has the movie Hybrid. It's either the 1997 movie about people who go into a dark, scary lab and get chased by a half-something, half-something else monster. Or the 2000 movie about the guy in the 1930s who was obsessed with creating a new breed of corn. Or maybe... it's a hybrid of the two! Anyway, whichever hybrid it's about probably won't lurch out of the bath and blather about Kara Thrace causing the apocalypse, sadly.

And FX is showing I, Robot at 8 PM.

Tonight

The special two-hour Star Wars episode of Deal Or No Deal airs at 8 PM. According to the official Star Wars blog, it features models dressed in the famous Leia slave-girl outfit from Return Of The Jedi, plus Carrie Fisher herself in the audience. Chewbacca and R2D2 are there to provide moral support to the two Star Wars fans competing for money. Oh, and Darth Vader takes place of the "villainous banker." (Why is the banker villanous? Is this some kind of Bear Sterns reference?)

Tonight's Letterman features Gwyneth Paltrow promoting Iron Man. Expect pithy quotes about how her Pepper Potts is a new type of comic-book-movie heroine. And tomorrow night, Robert Downie Jr. is on Letterman promoting possibly the same movie.

And early Tuesday morning, TMC has Aeon Flux at 1 AM and Encore has the original Robocop at 2:30 AM.

Tuesday

On the History Channel at 9 PM, The Universe gives major spoilers, with an episode that reveals "the future of the universe." Who lives? (Nobody.) Who dies? (Everybody.) Here's the blurb:

The Universe as we know it is condemned to death. Space, matter and even time will one day cease to exist and there's nothing we can do about it. Harsh realities are revealed about the future of our Universe; it may collapse and burn or it might be gripped by a galactic ice age. Either of these scenarios might be a long way off. However, our Universe could suddenly be destroyed by a "random quantum fluctuation", a bubble of destruction that can obliterate the entire cosmos in the blink of an eye. No matter how it ends, life in our Universe is doomed.

And on Wednesday morning at 2:00 AM, BET is showing Hood Rat, about a swarm of super-intelligent mutant rats that go around killing people in a housing project. It's sort of a remake of Willard, except that instead of training them, I think Isaiah Washington's character just sort of befriends them and they turn out to be super-rats. Ice-T is the comic relief in this film. And it features a scene where rats "come out of a toilet to devour a crackhead's anus." This either just got on your must-see, or your must-avoid list, depending on your taste in bizarre horror films.

Wednesday

This has nothing to do with science fiction, except tangentially, but the worst pain from last winter's writers' strike is yet to come. The proof comes in the form of a new reality TV series which premieres tonight on The CW, called Farmer Wants A Wife. It's about a farmer. Who wants a wife. Suddenly Flash Gordon is sounding really great right now.

Speaking of which, Sci Fi is showing another Flash Gordon marathon all day, allowing you to experience the greatness of croptops, hairgel, hawk people and castrating amazons if you missed it the first time.

Also, the History Channel brings us yet another new UFO Hunters at 10 PM, about a UFO sighting at a U.S. military base.

Thursday

Tonight's Smallville is the 150th episode, and it's directed by star Tom Welling. Clark visits an alternate reality, where Buffy never came to Sunnydale Clark never came to Smallville. In this alternate reality, as in all right-thinking universes, Lex is president of the United States. Here's a pretty great scene from the episode, which airs at 8 on The CW (sorry about the sound quality):

And then there's a new Lost at 10 PM on ABC. Jack's doing poorly, and hovers on the brink of nasty death. Meanwhile, Sawyer, Claire, Aaron and Miles try to make their way to the beach, but something goes horribly wrong. We featured two clips from the episode on Friday.

At 7 PM, Sci Fi is re-running Warbirds, its TV movie about pterodactyls in World War II.

You face an impossible choice on Friday morning at 3:00 am: AMC is showing the original Species, while Sci Fi is showing Decoys 2: Alien Seduction. I would advise watching (or taping) Decoys 2 instead of Species. Sure, Species features the super-hot Natasha Henstridge as a human-alien hybrid who's desperate to find someone to reproduce with. But Decoys 2 features a whole squad of alien women who transform themselves into college boys' naughtiest fantasies so they can seduce them and implant their alien eggs inside them. It's like Species mashed up with Alien mashed up with a weird teen sex comedy. We featured a clip from it a while back.

Friday

At 7 PM, NickToons is premiering a 90-minute "TV movie" of Speed Racer: The Next Generation. It's basically the first three episodes of this cartoon series mashed up together. The movie is also getting a DVD release on Tuesday, May 6. In this new series, the son of Speed Racer studies to become a race-car champion and rebuilds the Mach-5. Racer X is the new Speed Racer's brother, and his uncle is the school's headmaster. Oh, and Chim Chim is a robot monkey. The TV movie is written by Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti, who wrote the fluffy but fun Heroes For Hire comic among others. Here's a clip:

At 8 PM, Sci Fi has two episodes of Doctor Who's kid-friendly spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures. She polishes off those evil nuns, and then squares off with an alien army that's recruiting teenage humans through a sort of laser-tag arcade. The second episode features my favorite Sarah Jane scene of all time, where she builds a weird energy-detector machine out of bits and pieces, wearing a badass welding mask. You go, Sarah Jane!

And then at 9, there's easily the best episode so far of the current Doctor Who season — the Doctor visits Pompeii right on the eve of its destruction by a volcano. His new companion Donna asks some tricky questions about where the Doctor draws the line on interfering with history, and the Doctor has to struggle with his answers a bit. Here's our recap, including a clip from the episode.

And at 10, there's another new Battlestar Galactica. "A possible truce with rebel Cylons leads Starbuck to put her trust in an old enemy." It looks like Starbuck and Leoben are reunited, and it feels so fine. Here's the trailer:

Sci Fi is showing episodes of Stargate SG-1 all day, in case you need to catch up.

Saturday

There are two episodes of Spectacular Spider-Man at 9:30, including one new episode at 10 AM: "Reaction" introduces Doctor Octopus to the cartoon universe, and also brings back the Green Goblin.

And also at 10 AM, the Cartoon Network has a new Ben 10: Alien Force. Ben and Gwen start to trust Kevin 11 — but then he steals the Rustbucket and tries to trade it for alien technology.

And then at 10:30 AM, the Cartoon Network has a new Transformers: Animated, called "Mission Accomplished." (Is this some kind of subtle dig at George Bush?) Here's the episode description: "Convinced there are no Decepticons left on Earth, the Elite Guard prepares to take Optimus Prime and his crew back to Cybertron — unaware of the increasing Decepticon activity taking place under their very noses." They're not called Decepticons for nothing.

And at 1 PM, The CW has Virus, featuring Jamie Lee Curtis and one of the Baldwins versus an alien disease.

Sunday

At 2 PM, TNT is showing The Tuxedo, which isn't in the top 100 Jackie Chan movies but does have a few great scenes, most notably the "pants-only mode" scene, when Jackie is only wearing the super-suit's pants — so only his legs are super-agile. It's not a bad thing to watch on a slow Sunday afternoon. Oh, and then there's this bit, where Jackie Chan knocks out James Brown and has to take his place, complete with a moment of weird ass-fetishism.

Sci Fi is showing horror movies all day, starting with Children Of The Corn at the churchgoing hour of 9 AM, and ending up with Final Destination 2 at 9 PM. I don't think any of those films are actually science fiction.

Oh, and at 8 PM, FX has the sort of scifi-ish Mr. And Mrs. Smith, while Spike is re-running Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith. If you flip back and forth, you could mash them up into one totally awesome movie called Mr. And Mrs. Sith.

The Dark Knight:

At one point in the new Batman movie, the Joker gets up in Christian Bale's face and quotes that Brokeback Mountain line about "You complete me," but in a really stalkery, unnerving way. (I thought that was a line from Jerry Maguire?) Also, there's a scene where the Joker gets inside a body bag and pretends to be dead, which freaked out everyone in the audience of an early preview screening — and it may have to be edited out. The movie's soundtrack includes a Jaws-esque tension-inducing heartbeat sound. Eric Roberts plays an icky mobster. Everyone in the movie, not just Harvey/Two-Face, has some kind of duality. [Batman on Film]

X-Files 2:

UGO has one of its spoiler roundups about X-Files 2, and doesn't really add much new information. Except supposedly the movie starts with scrolling introductory text, like Star Wars, to bring new viewers up to speed. And it does reference old episodes of the show. And Mitch Pileggi may be back as Skinner. And Mulder and Scully may encounter creatures they first met on the TV show. [UGO]

Dragonball:

James Masters, who plays Piccolo in Dragonball, will have the silliest fake latex muscles you've ever seen. At least, they look pretty stunning in this picture from make-up artist Edward French's home page. French won't reveal the prosthetic makeup he spent four hours applying to Marsters, but he did show off everything below the neck. [Edward French, via I Watch Stuff]

Heroes:

Season three of Heroes will introduce two new characters, because the show isn't overcrowded enough already: Joy, who's in her early twenties and good at getting herself into, and out of, trouble. And Senator Robert Malden, a "political straight shooter" in his fifties. [TV Guide]

Doctor Who:

Towards the end of Doctor Who season four, rumor has it we'll hear more references to the Medusa Cascade, which the Master mentioned at the end of season three. Also, still more rumors that Davros is showing up. And the final episode is supposedly extra long, which means it'll be extra-butchered for American viewers.

And the new Doctor Who Magazine includes key quotes from some upcoming episodes. In the Pompeii episode, the Doctor tells Donna, "Some things are fixed, some things are in flux, and Pompeii is fixed...That's how I see the universe. All the time, every waking second: what is, what was, what could be, what must not. That's the burden of a Time Lord, Donna."

In the Ood episode, the Doctor says, "The Ood aren't born like this, can't be - a species born to serve could never evolve in the first place. What does the company do, to make them obey?"

In the Sontaran two-parter, the Doctor says, "Whatever you do, Colonel Mace, do not engage the Sontarans in battle. There's nothing they like better than war! Leave this to me..." [Doctor Who Forum]

Smallville:

The 150th Smallville episode, airing May 1, will resolve the Clark/Brainiac story once and for all. That's the episode where Clark visits a world where he never crash-landed on Earth. (Think the Buffy storyline where Buffy never came to Sunnydale.) And in the alternate reality, Chloe is engaged to be married, while Alt-Lex will have a fancy job with an even fancier office. [Ask Ausiello]

Lost:

That "spectacular kiss" in the Lost season finale happens between a boy and a girl, and it doesn't take place on the island [E! Online]

The season finale involves a "big scene" involving the rescue of the Oceanic Six from the island, soon to be filmed. But the freighter crew aren't the ones who rescue the Six, and the cliffhanger will "leave you ballistic." Also, in the last five episodes of the season, we learn a lot more about Kate's love-life, both in the present and in flash-forwards. [Spoilers Lost]

Ben 10

The new Ben 10 series, Ben 10: Alien Force, takes place five years after the original series, with a more mature Ben. Ben goes to visit his grandfather, but aliens attack and his grandpa goes missing. So Ben teams up with Gwen, plus Max's old partner, an alien plumber, and they bust a weapons deal that turns out to be the work of Kevin Eleven, now back in human form. Despite being pissed about his deal going south, Kevin agrees to help Ben's team, and they use a "spiffy piece of alien tech" to infiltrate an alien base. The mission is mostly successful, but they the plumber dies, and they still need to find and rescue Grandpa Max. Meanwhile, Ben's watch has transformed and gives him access to a whole new set of aliens. The show launches April 18 on Cartoon Network. [Toonzone]

Clone Wars is "Star Wars starring an 11-year-old girl," according to George Lucas, referring to Ahsoka, the "feisty" apprentice to Anakin Skywalker in the cartoon. He showed clips of an acrobatic Yoda, a more menacing version of the evil General Grievous, Anakin and R2D2. Lucas also said that instead of making the show look like Beowulf or The Incredibles, he reached to Gerry Anderson's Thunderbirds for inspiration. And he said the big advantage of doing television is that if you make a mistake, people will forget it a week later, when the next episode airs. (Clearly, Lucas doesn't spend much time on the internet.)

Clone Wars and Brave and the Bold will both be part of a Friday night "action/adventure bloc" on Cartoon. It also includes a relaunch of Ben 10 called Ben 10: Alien Force, and The Secret Saturdays, a show about "a family of world-saving adventure scientists." [TV Guide, thanks to Rich and Alex]

Inspired by Shazam, Ben 10 is about ten-year-old Ben Tennyson coming into accidental contact with a powerful alien device, The Omnitrix. Looking like a clunky wristwatch, it allows Ben to transform into one of the 10 aliens in his repertoire when he gives the dial a spin. The effects are short-lived, but each alien race has different powers that aid him in his quest to bust the alien baddies that come looking for the Omnitrix.

The show has been airing for the past year on the Cartoon Network, and its high ratings finally paid off: the channel greenlit a live-action adaptation with Alex Winter (Bill S. Preston, Esquire from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) directing, and the Six Million Dollar Man himself, Lee Majors, playing Grandpa Max. With numbers this big, you can bet they'll order up a sequel. In the meantime, if you like campy animation with cool alien tech, then you can spend some time catching up. At the very least, you'll know what one of the must-have toys for kids will be this year.

'Ben 10' A Winner For Cartoon Net [Variety]