io9: Bizarro

This Week's Comics Spoil Indy, Moviegoers

Graeme McMillan — Tue, 20 May 2008 09:00:00 PDT

Look, let's be honest — you don't care about this week's comics. Sure, you might want to, you may even go to your local store and pick a few up, leaf through them. But your mind will be elsewhere: at that multiplex waiting for Doctor Henry Walton Jones Jr. and his son, who likes to hang out with Transformers. But that's okay: The comics guessed that you'd be thinking that, and they planned appropriately.

Specifically, Oregon's Dark Horse Comics — publisher of Star Wars, Serenity and Buffy comics, alongside non-media tie-ins like The Umbrella Academy — are planning on a couple of fixes for your Jones jones. In addition to the first issue of their adaptation of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, you can also pick up the collected, complete, edition... before the other issues have been published. Curious scheduling decision, or way to blow your mind? Find out on Wednesday.

(While you're at it, you may also want to pick up Dark Horse's Hellboy Companion, a 200-page "definitive guide to the Hellboy Universe", ahead of what's sure to be the sleeper of the season. Am I the only person who thinks that this may be the best summer for comic movies?)

If you'd rather read about other comics-turned-celluloid, then there's always Batman Vs. Two-Face, a collection of stories designed to prime you for the Christian Bale/Aaron Eckhart face-off in The Dark Knight. Or Marvel's hefty $100 Incredible Hulk Omnibus hardcover, reminding you that the first forty-nine issues of the Jade Giant's existence were actually pretty crappy (There's also Hulk Visionaries: John Byrne Volume One, which is a somewhat unusual choice for a movie tie-in considering its... uh... interesting quality).

You can also revisit former celluloid greats with DC's Superman: Escape From Bizarro World, which sees Geoff Johns and Superman: The Movie's Richard Donner co-write the return of Superman's mentally disabled clone brother.

Maybe you're wanting to read something new, though. In that case, Casey Blue: Beyond Tomorrow could be your bag. Casey may have a name like a pornstar, but really she's just your average teenager. There are boy troubles, school troubles and being the only person who can stop an alien invasion troubles. That's right, it's Buffy The Alien Slayer, but admit it - That kind of sounds just a little bit fun, right?

More kick-ass female leads can be found in Tank Girl: Visions of Booga, Alan Martin's second series reviving his 90s-zeitgeist-shagging Australian heavy-artillery fetishist. Meanwhile, Image Comics puts out Invincible Universe Primer, collecting the first three issues of Robert Kirkman's superhero series Invincible, Brit and The Astounding Wolf-Man for the low low price of $5.99, and giving you a jumping-on point for one of the more quietly successful superhero lines of recent years...

Just like every single week of the year, you can find out what's hitting the stores in its entirety by looking at the weekly shipping list, and then go and find out the ending of the new Indy movie two days early by finding your local store and picking up the collected adaptation, just to ruin it for all your friends. You're such a schmuck sometimes.

Scientologists' Home Planet Revealed

Graeme McMillan — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 07:20:58 PST

We all know about the obvious science fiction connections to Scientology - thanks for that career choice, L. Ron Hubbard - but who knew that all of America's third-favorite religion could be explained away by an old Superman character's homeworld? That's the claim made by the PseudoScientology blog, which reaches back to one of Clark Kent's more confused foes to illustrate his point.

According to the blog, Scientologists are totally sensible:

The Bizarro World (also known as Htrae - earth spelled backwards) is a fictional planet in the DC comics universe. Introduced in the early 1960s, Htrae is a cube-shaped planet, home to Bizarro and his companions, all of whom were initially Bizarro versions of Superman, Lois Lane and their children. Later, other Bizarros were created to add to the population including Bizarro Flash, "the Yellow Lantern", Bizarro-Kltpzyxm and Batzarro, the World's Worst Detective. Everyone views the Bizarro people as strange and weird ... except THEM!

In the Bizarro world of "Htrae," society is ruled by the Bizarro Code which states "Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!". In one episode, for example, a salesman is doing a brisk trade selling Bizarro bonds: "Guaranteed to lose money for you". Later, the mayor appoints Bizarro #1 to investigate a crime, "Because you are stupider than the entire Bizarro police force put together". This is intended and taken as a great compliment. And now, after just a few paragraphs of explanation, you understand precisely what Scientology is all about.

That's not all; the blog also suggests that former Justice League member L-Ron is also a Scientologist, but not for the greatest of reasons:

The authors of the above site are unaware of any instance in which the robot L-Ron has overtly stated that he is a Scientologist. This classification is based primarily on his name.

Nonetheless, we're convinced, but this site raises many other unanswered questions: Is the entirety of DC Comics a front for L. Ron Hubbard's religious scheme? Does the multiverse exist as a metaphor for our multiple theta lives? And most importantly, who would win in a fight - Tom Cruise or Superman?

I just KNEW this Scientology nonsense sounded familiar [PsuedoScientology]

Where Did Bionic Woman Go Wrong? Fans Weigh In

grae — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:00:00 PST

Optimism is a wonderful thing, but too much of it begins to look like, well, like this:

Bionic Woman fell victim to sub-standard writing, but remains a show littered with potential, especially in terms of the caliber of actors on board and the premise - which I still believe is awesome.

Yes, Bionic Woman fans are beginning to come to terms with what was wrong with the show, only a couple of months after it's been off the air. I say "beginning," because defending the caliber of acting? Come on, people.

Bionic-Blog, a BW fansite, responds to a New York Times piece about the carnage that the WGA strike has had on television shows by arguing that the show was let down by bad writing and too much money:

I'm not saying that I want to see less cool special effects - a sci-fi show like BW needs it's share of 'razzmatazz', but I think creators should first focus on getting the foundations right and then build from there...I guess my main question after reading that article, is does having too much money over-complicate things for the networks? Obviously it's all relative and it's different for each show, but it could be argued that both BW and Heroes fell victim to trying to do too much too quickly? Obviously the writing was at fault for this, but perhaps having such huge budgets also contributed to the confusion?

Of course, if they'd spent more of that money on the writing, maybe fewer fans of the show would be complaining about it... Personally, I don't think that money was the problem with the show, and almost all the troubles can be traced back to the fact that no-one involved with it seemed to know what kind of show they wanted to make. Was it dark updating of the original? Buffy with robot parts? Alias without interesting bad guys? The show seemed to change its mind episode-to-episode, and sometimes even within each 44-minute chunk. Play fantasy TV exec here, kids: If the show does return, what needs to be changed to make it work, and how would you do it?

Bionic Woman & the Post-strike Landscape [Bionic Blog.com]

Why Smallville Needs to Die

Kevin Kelly — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 11:30:03 PST

Last weeks's mid-season finale of Smallville just helped underscore everything that's been going wrong with the show over the slow trainwreck of the last few seasons. Smallville won't be dying a painful death due to the writer's strike, because there are six more episodes completed and ready to air, but last week's finale does make us wonder if the show should go on. Here's why.

Chloe's power is finally revealed: While we already knew Chloe was a meteor freak with some kind of magical healing tears, it wasn't really shown what she could actually do until this episode. She takes Jimmy's cut finger in her hand and makes the poor little boo-boo go all bye-bye with some sort of weird E.T. light-up hands. Her one tear could bring Lois back from the dead, but it takes a lot of effort just to seal up a one-inch cut? Give us a break.
Grant Gabriel is a clone of Julian Luthor: We've also knew that Grant Gabriel was Lex's long-dead brother Julian for a few episodes, last Thursday was the first time it was revealed that he was actually a clone of Lex's brother, who died when he was 12 years old. Lex has been playing around in the cloning toybox and trying to bring his brother back. The first effort resulted in a clone who aged prematurely, but he seems to have it fine-tuned now. However, everyone seems to have forgotten about Lucas Luthor, Lex's other younger brother who he had hidden away several seasons ago. Counting last night's old clone, Julian, and Lucas, that gives Lex quite a family reunion to come home to. Of course, he put a bullet into old clone's chest, which will make it a bit awkward at future family meetings.
Brainiac is on the way back: The last time we saw Milton Fine / Brainiac, he was reduced to a tiny bit of goo living in a glass vial. Last night Chloe told Clark that the fluid was evolving and getting smarter each time it tried to escape. It's liquid with a memory and a mission, but how the hell does Chloe come by this stuff? She can translate Kryptonian, hack military firewalls, and score top-secret lab reports. Too bad her talents are wasted in the basement of the Daily Planet. She could be a one-woman Geraldo.
Clark is actually Bizarro: Clark returns from a two-week visit to the Fortress of Solitude and everything seems to be just hunky dory with the Young Adult of Steel. That is, until he hugs Lana near the end of the episode and we his shift turn angular and crystalline for the briefest of seconds, meaning he's the Bizarro version of Clark. Then we see what we imagine is the real Clark, trapped inside some kind of glass chamber back in the Fortress that looks like the device that took Supey's powers away in Superman II. So why the hell is Bizarro acting so nice and hugging folks? We'll have to wait until next year to find out.
We were going to add "Clark finally flies!" to this list, but it turned out to be Bizarro-Clark shooting up that stairwell like a comet, so we'll still have to wait to see him take to the skies. At which point the show should instantly be canceled for violating its "No flights, no tights" rule. Then again, they should have put the brakes on this show back when it started to suck. Four seasons ago.