I love the fact that Slater puts so much energy into telling mad-science guy not to open that evil door that must never be opened, but then once it's opened, he's like "Ehh. Might as well go in."

Alone In The Dark does have several things to recommend it, including Slater acting even more pissy than usual, and Tara Reid phoning in a fine performance. (Although according to Wikipedia, Boll put out a DVD with all of Reid's scenes removed.) It has one of the greatest nonsensical opening voiceovers of all time. And there are about 500 scenes of people fighting CG monsters, mostly in such total darkness that you can't actually tell what's going on.

But then there's this great scene, where a random good guy gets throat-raped and taken over by an alien mind-control parasite that bonds with your spine, but somehow goes down your throat anyway. And then Slater and Reid take one of their occasional stabs at explaining the plot, not very well:

Suddenly the show's writers are, Crusoe-style, looking for a real life inspiration for their divided hero's plight. Secret agent/explorer Sir Richard Francis Burton brought back the Kama Sutra and had it translated from Sanskrit. Espionage and enlightened sex have always gone swimmingly together. Morgan adopted many disguises as he explored the East, but he never attempted switching between personalities, as Henry Spivey/Edward Albright can no longer do safely in My Own Worst Enemy.

The show made progress towards a Get Smart-like tone in this episode, with a Roxanne-style comedy sequence to open the night's festivities properly. Slater himself is growing into the main role — his background as a stage actor gives him an adaptive resource to fill the space where Kiefer Sutherland breathes heavy.

The show's major problem right now is that it can't stop casting character actors. Fellow agent Mike O'Malley struggles as the two-faced control for Spivey's wackier experiment, and James Cromwell and Alfre Woodard angle for screentime. Next week's mix promises an FBI agent - how many masters can one agent serve? Can Patton Oswalt as a rebellious code-breaker be far behind? When the stunt casting does work, this show gives itself a chance - Slater is so much better when he has someone high energy to play off of.

While hunting terrorists with creative names like Mohammed El Aziz is both boring and potentially ripped off from 24, Edward Albright's methods have entered the realm of the fantastic with painful red needles against white interrogation walls. Plus, his dark side's bedroom technique is improving his sex life and giving his alter-ego's wife a reason not to stick her head in the oven. Having shown enough to stick around for a third episode, let's hope Edward Albright has moved onto the M's part of the Kama Sutra from H for Hummingbird by now. If nothing else, then for his poor exhausted wife's sake.