Awesome Decorations To Bring The Nerd Cred

Awful Crap. Who Came Up With This? Coal For Everybody.

Rare Exports Inc., a short Finnish film, explains the startling origins behind the legions of mall Santas found across the globe.

Note: Video contains Santa nudity and is thus NSFW.

And its sequel offers instructions for the safe care and handling of your Father Christmas.

And now the notion of Santa as cryptid is getting a feature length treatment. It looks like next December, we'll be seeing a full-length Rare Exports, but the teaser shows something scrawnier and meaner than jolly old Saint Nick. Is this the sinister stuff Father Christmases are made of, or Santa's vicious companion Krampus?

[via Twitch]

BBC has started running their annual Christmas identifications. Although this doesn't offer any clues to the Tenth Doctor's exit, we do get a fun moment with David Tennant playing Santa Claus:

Blogtor Who has nabbed some nice stills from the promo as well.

BBC Christmas Ident [Blogtor Who]
Additional reporting by Josh Snyder.

Etsy seller Podkayne Studios sells only photographs of these Nativity scenes, but these oddball reimaginings could have plenty of people mixing up the Playmobil Nativity set with other plastic toys.

Not-Right Nativity [Etsy via Neatorama]

“The Best Christmas Ever” by James Patrick Kelly: The last man on Earth tends to get depressed about his post-apocalyptic existence. So Aunty Em, one of the biops tasked with keeping him company, tries to cheer him up by having Christmas. But the only thing the last man wants for Christmas is a gun.

“The Star” by Arthur C. Clarke: An expedition to a far off star system discovers that the first Christmas was itself apocalyptic. The Star of Bethlehem shone so brightly on the night Jesus was born because it had gone supernova long before, killing all the inhabitants of an orbiting planet. That God would kill one civilization to light the night sky causes the journey’s Jesuit priest to experience a crisis of fate, but in The Twilight Zone adaptation, the civilization was aware of the significance of the supernova and accepted their fate without regret.

Peace on Earth: This 1939 cartoon from MGM was nominated for an Academy Award and, according to some reports, the Nobel Peace Prize (although the latter is likely just a widespread rumor). In a post-apocalyptic world populated entirely by animals, Christmas is still celebrated. When a pair of young squirrels ask who the “men” are in the carol lyric “good will to men,” their grandfather tells them about the pugnacious humans and the war that finally killed them off.

Good Will to Men: MGM had the cartoon remade in 1955 by none other than William Hanna and Joseph Barbera. Thus time, a group of mice learn that mankind destroyed itself in a thermonuclear war, leaving animals to pick up the pieces of civilization.

Judge Dredd “Red Christmas”: A Judge in one of the Mega-Cities where the remnants of humanity dwell, Joe Dredd would rather spend Christmas hunting down criminals than exchanging gifts. But his fawning house droid, Walter the Wobot, insists on a small holiday party.

Woops! “Say It Ain’t So Santa”: After a nuclear holocaust wipes out most of humanity, a small group of survivors celebrate Christmas in an attempt to cling to some sense of normality. But the festivities take a disturbing turn when they discover Santa Claus, sole survivor of the North Pole, stuck in their chimney.

Cleopatra 2525 “Choices”: The midrift-baring trio of women explores the lower levels of the underground tunnels and discover Christmas Town, an artificial environment designed to resemble 20th Century Earth’s winter, but perpetually decorated with brightly colored lights.

“Vexed to Nightmare by a Rocking Cradle” by Dan Simmons: After an unnamed apocalypse, a tribe of people continue to celebrate Christmas, raiding old warehouses for gifts and cans of fruit. When a televangelist-worshipping missionary comes to deliver the Word of God, they don’t suspect the man comes with bloody intentions.

The Last Christmas by Gerry Duggan and Brian Posehn: After a nuclear war transforms much of humanity into zombies, a group of renegade humans end up killing Mrs. Claus. The despondent Santa realizes he can’t die as long as there are good children who believe in him. He sets out to break the spell of his immortality, but ends up cutting a swath through the legions of undead.

“Christmas at Ground Zero” by Weird Al Yankovic: Weird Al gleefully sings about a world-ending nuclear attack on Christmas Day, during which we will apparently, duck and cover:

Yes, He-Man. Maybe it’s because of that fateful December 24 when I, at the tender age of five or six, snuck out of bed and discovered that Castle Grayskull had appeared under the tree, and the milk and cookies next to it had been consumed—despite the fact that my parents were still awake in the next room. “Holy fucking shit,” I thought. “Santa is fucking fast.” Or maybe it’s because of that same night, several hours later, when I woke up my mom and dad to ask if we could open presents yet, and my mother said something to me that I have never forgotten: “Joshua, it is four o’clock in the fucking morning. Get your ass back in bed and stay there.”

Maybe. Or maybe it is because I love both Christmas and He-Man, and yet both get hated on time and time again. The big complaint about He-Man, after all, is exactly the same one you hear about Christmas: that it’s a corny, mawkish fantasy camouflaging little more than an exercise in crass materialism. That whatever myth might surround it, its core reason for being is (or was) to get people to spend money.

Well, to that critique of both, I say: Bah. Humbug.

Oh, sure, both Christmas and He-Man do (or did) get people to part with their hard-earned; there’s no question of that. And I’m not going to deny the corniness or mawkishness of either. What I do deny, though—vehemently—is the implicit presumption that because something has commercial, corny, or mawkish qualities, it is wholly devoid of substance. Further, I’ll bite the bullet and argue that those corny and mawkish qualities are often exactly where the substance lies.

Take, for example, He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special, which I just watched for the first time in almost a quarter-century. The premise of the special—which would probably not qualify as “science fiction” under Harlan Ellison’s standards—is that two Earth children are accidentally brought to He-Man’s home planet of Eternia by his friend Orko, and then kidnapped by villains Hordak and Skeletor, whose boss wants them and the Christmas spirit they’ve brought with them (it clings to Earth children like the scent of pine needles) destroyed.

After a series of battles, the kids end up stuck with Skeletor, and a cyborg puppy, in a snow-covered mountain range. And as in so many of the best Christmas stories (Orko, incidentally, delivers the last line—“Merry Christmas, everybody!”—in perfect Tiny Tim intonation), the heart of the plot sees the bony ol’ grinch from that point on starting to redeem himself, at least temporarily.

Is it absurd? Not really—Skeletor has always smacked of being a softie (how else could his henchpeople have survived for so long, and why else would he have hired them in the first place?), and you always suspect that he’s secretly happiest on the rare occasions he deals with He-Man and the Masters as peers instead of enemies. (At the end of the special, when he protests, “I don’t like to feel good! I like to feel evil!” and everyone chuckles, the moment is much more Oscar the Grouch than Cobra Commander.) Still, it’s definitely cheesy.

Nonetheless, there is something very important, very substantial, about the lesson here, however clichéd, which is of course that there’s good in everyone. That’s not to say you should be overly trusting in the case of someone who has repeatedly tried to overthrow King Randor’s peaceful rule. But which lesson—“There’s good in everyone” or “Don’t be too trusting”—is ultimately more important?

Well, if the former is evocative of a He-Man cartoon, I’d say the latter suggests The Wire, that critically acclaimed HBO series that was anything but sentimental. But while the former is a straight-up moral of the story, I don’t think that’s true of the latter. No, although “Don’t be too trusting” is something I think most of the characters in The Wire would agree on, the message you take away from the series is that the only truly bright moments in a bleak existence come when people hew to the sappy ideals He-Man lurrrrves so much.

So, O jaded readers, as you go about your lives this holiday season, maybe don’t be so quick to dismiss the mushy, the maudlin, or even the trite out of hand. Immersed in the sickly sweet bathwater may be the Baby of All That Is Meaningful. And the baby’s name may just be Jesus. Or it could be Dylan—that’s a pretty popular name lately. Dylan, get your ass back in bed and stay there. Merry Christmas, everyone!

He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Commenter Moff’s real name is Josh Wimmer, and he can usually be found at scribblescribblescribble.com/blog.

Santron (The Avengers “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santron”): Virginia Hanlon was one of those kids who never got over the fact that Santa isn’t real. So as an adult, she builds Santron out of parts from Ultron-6. But Santron has some residual superhero-hating memory and decides to attack the Avengers. His only weakness? Holiday cookies.

Multiple Santa (The Tick “The Tick Loves Santa!”): Around the holidays, a thief dresses as Santa to elude the police. A run-in with a neon sign transforms him into Multiple Santa, giving him the ability to endlessly duplicate himself. The ever thick-skulled Tick naturally thinks the villain is the real Santa and finds himself powerless to stop him.

Robot Santa (Futurama “Xmas Story”): Mom’s Friendly Company built a robot Santa to judge the people of Earth and dole out presents to the nice and punishments to the naughty. But Santa’s standards proved too high and he judges everyone (save Dr. Zoidberg) as naughty, forcing people to board up their houses on Christmas Eve to escape his wrath. In a later episode, Bender takes up the Santa mantle with homicidal relish.

Boomer Katz (Batman “Wanted: Santa Claus – Dead or Alive”): Boomer Katz is a two-bit thief who takes a job as a department store Santa so he can rob the store. But in the spirit of the season, he has a change of heart, and Batman has to save him from the mob.

Brainstorm (Top 10): In a city where everyone has superpowers, a psychokinetic name William “Brainstorm” Bernhardt escapes from a psychiatric facility. Thinking he’s Santa Claus, he uses his ability to make reindeer fly (frightening one of them to death) and, with a small army of children, deems people he encounters naughty or nice. A ruling of “naughty” usually ends in property damage.

Cyber-Claus (“Cyber-Claus” by William Gibson): On Christmas Eve, a small invading force is detected closing in on DC. The sensors detect one biped and eight tiny quadrapeds. But before the defense forces can learn more, the heavyset invader is already slipping down the chimney.

User Santa (ReBoot “Firewall”): Whenever the User wins a game played in Mainframe, a chunk of the city is destroyed. In one game, the User plays Santa Claus, and Enzo and AnrAIa, playing as Snowmen, must defeat him to protect Mainframe.

Demon Santa (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): The Scooby Gang never actually encounters Santa, which is probably all for the best. Ex-demon Anya mentions in passing that Santa is not only real, he’s a fearsome demon who comes down the chimney to disembowel children. But at least he’s got reindeer.

Robot Santas (Doctor Who “The Christmas Invasion” and “The Runaway Bride”): Christmas invasions are practically routine in Doctor Who’s London. Robot Santas herald the coming of the Sycorax, hunting down the weakened Doctor to clear the path for invasion. The following Christmas, they are employed by the Empress of the Racnoss and, in addition to trying to thwart the Doctor, rig a Christmas tree with deadly, deadly ornaments.

Post-Apocalyptic Santa (Woops! “Say It Ain’t So Santa”): Santa proves to be one of the few survivors of a nuclear holocaust that wipes out most of humanity. The six survivors of Woops find Santa in their chimney, but he’s horribly depressed. It turns out that he had locked himself in his bomb shelter, and when he realized Mrs. Claus and the elves were still outside, his instinct for self-preservation seemed to outweigh his desire to save them (although apparently he didn’t really understand how to work the door).

Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas: The King of Halloweentown also doesn't fit the bill of actual evil, but he does tend to be pathologically self-absorbed. Jack is a well-meaning, kind-hearted soul, but kidnapping Santa to resolve his identity crisis wasn't his moral high point.

Santa Doom (What The—?! “I’ll Be Doom For Christmas”): When Santa Claus lands on Castle Doom, he is injured by Doom’s defenses and has to take the night off. He implores Victor Von Doom to take his place, giving the supervillain an unlikely costume change.

Santa Zim (Invader Zim “The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever): Learning how much humans love Santa Claus, Zim puts on a Santa suit in his latest effort to conquer the Earth. He successfully takes over, but the suit takes over Zim’s personality, effectively turning him into Santa Claus. After Dib successfully separates Zim from the suit, he hurls it into space, where it transforms into a Santa monster and returns every year to attack the Earth.

Gun-Wielding Santa (“Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special”): The Easter Bunny, sick of Christmas overshadowing the other holidays, hires interstellar bounty hunter Lobo to take out Kris Kringle. And when Lobo reaches the North Pole, he finds that Santa is no less violent.

Godzilla Menorah:
Did your menorah ever crawl out of the depths of the ocean to reek havoc on an unsuspecting city? I think not. This lovely zillanorah is available in the Chrismukka book, a guide for interfaith families.

DIY Star Wars Droidel:

StarWars.com has an adorable Star Wars Droidel Dreidel which is a tiny little R2 unit that you can make all on your own. Picture from Craft Zine.

Spider-Man Stained Glass:

Because Peter Parker has a much more interesting back story than most people you find in stained glass. And also, you can keep it up year round. The art is from Ron's Glass and I really don't know if you can purchase it, but I bet Ron would.

Santa Jack Skellington Ornament:

The Nightmare Before Christmas is becoming as standard for the season as the 24-hour marathon of The Christmas Story,. So even though some of us have a love-hate relationship with the movie, to overlook its adorable tree trimmings would be like having a sober Christmasm thus ending the tradition locking yourself in the basement clutching a sharpie and marked up old yearbooks to the sounds of screaming siblings up stairs. He said our love was forever! Ahem. The ornament is currently on sale at the Disney store for 5.99.

WALL-E:

Also while you hang ornaments on your murdered Christmas tree take a moment to a second and remember to recycle because WALL-E demands it. WALL-E is available at the Disney store as well.

Talking Vader Stocking:

If you have this Talking Vader Stocking you will not be neglected by Santa — GUARANTEED. Plus, for a mere $20 shouldn't your stocking be the best Sith Lord of them all?

Serenity!:

This ornament can also be displayed by stand, so people will know you are awesome year round. For Christmas, I would like my own Nathan Fillion, please.

Additional reporting by Elizabeth Weinbloom.

Moviehole says the movie is "a headache-inducing nightmare that thankfully only lasts a couple of hours", and Yahoo Movies calls it "a dull actioner that looks like a bad video game." Ouch, indeed. Hopefully polarized silicon and acid for blood means you really have a thick skin for these kinds of things.

However, that wasn't the worst of the bunch. Bloody Disgusting really didn't like the movie, and this is only a small part of their playa-hatah review: "Tonight I was left in shock, and still haven't gotten over how terrible Aliens vs Predator: Requiem was. Not only did I waste $47 (I took my family), but I have to go and edit my Top 10 Worst Films of 2007 list. Thanks. After the abysmal AVP I figured nothing could be worse, so I was pretty pumped to give this one a chance. Unfortunately when the film was over I was perplexed at how terrible the film was... it's almost as if it was done on purpose. How can a movie be this bad - AGAIN?... please, please, please save your money."

Double ouch, especially since this sort of movie is supposed to be right up their alley. The movie has only hit 14% on Rotten Tomatoes so far, although expect things to drop down once the tomatoes start hitting the fan. Let's stop the hate, people! Do you really think AVPR is worse than Fred Claus?

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• Kids on Mars are educated, instructed, and raised by machines. People living in the Matrix are educated, instructed, and raised by machines... plus, the Matrix also feeds them. Winner: The Matrix.
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• When you're raised in the Matrix, you end up with unsightly computer interface portals all over your body. When you're raised on Mars, you end up with green skin and antennas. Winner: The Martians.
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• On Mars, your 800-year-old Martian sage Chochem declares that Martian children are becoming distracted due to the rigors of Martian society and their machine education. In the Matrix, bald-headed sage Morpheus shows Neo how humans are slaves due to the rigors of the Matrix society and their machine education. However, their machines also enslave them as human batteries. Winner: The Matrix.
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• Chochem says that Mars needs a figure like Santa Claus on Earth in order to set the Martian children free, so the leaders of the planet decide to kidnap him. In the Matrix, Morpheus needs a figure like Neo to free the humans from enslavement, so they kidnap Neo. Virtually. Winner: The Martians.
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• When Martians invade Santa's workshop on Earth, the mean-looking elves bust out baseball bats and start swinging wildly. When Smith comes after Neo, they stick a sentient tracking bug in his belly button. Winner: The Martians. You can't trump an angry elf with a bat.
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• Santa Claus decides that Martian children needs toys and "fun" to free their minds, so he decides to have the Martian tots build a toy factory on Mars. Talk about your slave labor. In the Matrix, Morpheus has to get Neo to choke down a huge red pill in order to free his mind. Give of toys over medicine any day. Winner: The Martians.
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• Evil Voldar constantly tries to foil Santa's plans by murdering him, although his comic appearance and oversized mustache don't inspire much fear. Meanwhile, Agent Smith in the Matrix has a grinning evil countenance and awesome angular sunglasses. Winner: The Matrix.
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• The Agents in the Matrix carry Desert Eagle guns that fire .50 caliber bullets, and the baddies in Santa Claus Conquers The Martians wield painted Wham-o Air Blasters. For sheer deadliness, you'd have to go with the Desert Eagle, but those painted toys actually look fairly cool. Winner: The Martians.
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• One of the Martians who seems to be mentally deranged puts on Santa's spare suit (always travel with more than one, Santa?) and starts acting like the jolly fat man. Later, the evil Martians kidnap him, thinking he's the real deal. In the Matrix, Agent Smith hops into the body of Bane, and is able to ride him over into the real world. This means he looks like Bane on the outside, but is Agent Smith on the inside. Winner: The Matrix.
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• Voldar decides to fuck with Santa's toy factory by wonking up the machinery, meaning baby dolls get teddy bear heads, and vice versa. It's mass hysteria! Agent Smith decides to fuck with Neo and his pals by killing everyone on Earth and turning them into clones of Smith. Winner: The Matrix.
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• With the help of the Martian children, Santa Claus eventually overcomes Voldar and his bad guys, and the leaders decide to make the Martian in Santa's suit the Martian Santa Claus, and return Santa safely to Earth in time for Christmas. In the Matrix, Neo meets with The Architect (who looks a bit like Santa Claus) and discovers that he's tried to save mankind many times before. He cuts a deal with the machine city and sacrifices himself in order to stop Agent Smith and save mankind, and dies in a crucifixion ripoff scene. Winner: The Martians. Mainly because that last Matrix movie sucked.
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• You'll have to lay out some cash, or spend hours downloading in order to see The Matrix, but you can watch Santa Claus Conquers The Martians right here for free. Game, set, match: The Martians. You just don't see this kind of cheese anymore.
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• Luckily, there is one cool lunchbox option: the Fruity Oaty Bar box, which makes reference to the strange food items being advertised on TV in Serenity when River gets a subliminal message, goes apeshit, and slaughters an entire bar full of ruffians.
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• Dark Horse Comics is also releasing a Serenity lunchbox, but it ain't pretty. Simply slap a picture of the ship on one side and put the name of it on the other in all caps, and bingo, you've got your own. All of the cool artwork and images from this series and we get this? Your lunch would rather be caught inside a My Pretty Pony lunchbox.
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• Of course, there's also the option of getting something that has nothing to do with the show whatsoever, like a Serenity Zippo lighter! It's like they just opened a Cafe Press store and put the logo on anything they could think of. Where are the damn Firefly pint glasses and thongs already? This might fly if anyone on the show actually smoked or used a lighter, but don't expect it to raise your street cred.
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• There's also the Christmas ornament replica of the little shuttle that Inara flew around in. If you haven't seen the show, she's a "Companion," or basically an extremely high-class whore. So when you gather the family around for the holidays, be sure to point out the ship that brings your mail-order space slut flying down the chimney.
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Dark Horse Grants You Serenity [Comic Book Resources]