We've recently learned the secret behind the Swine Flu Vaccine that is being pushed so strongly on the public. While the vaccine may make you sick, its real purpose is to greatly increase the fast-kill mechanism of the pandemic still to come. Worse yet, the vaccine is being used to target specific groups of people who are simply not welcome in our brave new world.

In the USA these include Blacks, American Indians, and Baby Boomers.

You know you have to read more now.

Unfortunately for UFO conspiracy buffs, the sunshine that's falling on Area 51 sounds like more of the same obfuscation and cover-up stuff that we've been hearing for decades.

Four Area 51 employees spoke to the Los Angeles Times today about their work during the 1960s. These were:

Colonel Hugh "Slip" Slater, 87, commander of the Area 51 base in the 1960s. Edward Lovick, 90 . . . spent three decades radar testing some of the world's most famous aircraft (including the U-2, the A-12 OXCART and the F-117). Kenneth Collins, 80, a CIA experimental test pilot, was given the silver star. Thornton "T.D." Barnes, 72, was an Area 51 special-projects engineer. And Harry Martin, 77, was one of the men in charge of the base's half-million-gallon monthly supply of spy-plane fuels

These men discuss how OXCART, a MACH-3 spy plane built by Lockheed Aircraft Corporation was tested extensively at Area 51. They claim that thousands of UFO reports during that time can all be traced back to tests of OXCART.

Says the LA Times:

Since only a few Air Force officials were cleared for OXCART (even though it was a joint CIA/USAF project), many UFO sightings raised internal military alarms. Some generals believed the Russians might be sending stealth craft over American skies to incite paranoia and create widespread panic of alien invasion. Today, BLUE BOOK findings are housed in 37 cubic feet of case files at the National Archives-74,000 pages of reports. A keyword search brings up no mention of the top-secret OXCART or Area 51.

The men working on OXCART suggest that the military was "forced" to create UFO-tracking Project Bluebook to deal with UFO reports that nobody realized were OXCART. Really? I'm not a big conspiracy person, but even to my skeptical sensibilities that sounds a little half-baked.

via LA Times

He Was Abducted by Aliens

Mostly Harmless by Douglas Adams: Arthur Dent, one of the token Earthlings traveling through the stars, discovers a Tennessean singer with the initials “EP” at an alien bar called “The Domain of the King.” Dent and Ford Prefect buy a pink spaceship from the fellow and tip him an obscene amount for singing “Love Me Tender.”

Animaniacs “Space Probed”: One fateful night, the Warner siblings find themselves aboard an alien spacecraft. A quick inspection of the ship proves that they’re not the ship’s first Earthling guests. Elvis has beaten them to the punch, along with Amelia Earhart, Bigfoot, and Jimmy Hoffa.

Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman: Death, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, insists he never laid a hand on Mr. Presley, no matter what some pub quiz game says. Chances are that Elvis either is flipping patties at a Burger Lord in Des Moines, or was abducted by aliens who thought him too good for our world.

He Is an Alien

Men in Black: If MIB taught us anything, it’s that anyone you’ve ever suspected of being from another world actually is, from Dennis Rodman to your kooky third grade English teacher. As for the King, he didn’t die, Agent K coolly informs us; he just went home.

“The Bride of Elvis” Kathleen Ann Goonan: Elvis wasn’t just the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll; he was a King, a royal member of an alien race. Fearing his party-hearty ways on Earth would lead to his premature demise, his caretakers, known as “Brides,” place him in a death-like coma until their ship returns to take him away.

He Faked His Death

Bubba Ho-tep: Weary of his fame, Elvis decides to take a breather and find someone else to endure his endless public adoration. He exchanges lives with the world’s most convincing Elvis impersonator, but when the facsimile dies on the can, no one believes that Elvis is the genuine King. He lives out his remaining days in relative peace, at least until the mummies and vampires start showing up.

Death Becomes Her: All individual who partake of Lisle von Rhoman’s immortality elixir must eventually disappear from the public eye. But Elvis can’t resist the occasional tabloid photo op.

Preacher by Garth Ennis: Jesse Custer picks up a number of hitchhikers as he heads towards the Alamo, but perhaps the most memorable is the shadowy Southerner who rhapsodizes on his long-surrendered fame. He never says his name, but reveals his identity as soon as he slides into Custer’s car with a “Thangyu Verrmuch.”

The Chronicle “The King is Undead”: In an episode written by The Middleman’s Javier Grillo-Marxuach, the journalists of tabloid newspaper The Chronicle discover that all Elvis impersonators are, in fact, vampires. And it seems that when the King learned this horrifying truth, he faked his death, adopted the name of his stillborn twin, and became the world’s foremost hunter of the Elvis-themed undead.

The X-Files: In “Shadow,” conspiracy-obsessed Fox Mulder jokes that Elvis Presley was the only man to successfully fake his own death (Andy Kaufman apparently bit it for real). But when the Lone Gunmen investigate an Elvis impersonator only to discover that he isn’t actually Elvis, the trio begins to worry that the King may truly be dead.

He’s Alive and Well, in an Alternate Universe

Armageddon: The Musical by Robert Rankin: A group of aliens become frightfully distressed when their favorite soap opera – the planet Earth – is about to be canceled due to Armageddon. To extend Earth’s airtime, they decide to create an alternate plotline in which Earth’s destruction is delayed. So they send Barry the Time Sprout back in time to persuade Elvis Presley to resist the draft, thus averting US involvement in Vietnam. The time-traveling Elvis ends up creating some alternate histories of his own, including one in which he’s worshipped as God.

He’s Been Copied

Thriller by Robert Loren Fleming: The short DC series features Kane Creole, an Elvis clone turned bank robber. Creole’s none too pleased with the way his creators desecrated the original Elvis’ remains and angrily kills them off.

What If? “What If Thanos Changed Galactus Into a Human Being?”: In this hypothetical tale, Thanos responds to Galactus’ attack on him by transforming the planet eater into a human being. But the remade Galactus isn’t just any human; he’s a perfect copy of Elvis Presley – before the weight gain and the undignified toilet death. Galactus can even sing and dance like the King, and when Galactus is offered the chance to return to space godhood, opts instead to remain on Earth and keep Elvis’ legacy alive.

He’s Really Dead. Honest.

Elvissey by Jack Womack: Elvis may be dead, but that doesn’t stop a cult from emerging in the year 2033 claiming him as semi-divine. In an attempt to maintain their monopoly on the human consciousness, a multinational corporation sends two of its agents to retrieve a young Elvis Presley from an alternate history’s past. But the Elvis they bring back is less “King of Rock” than “sexual predator.”

Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries by Charlaine Harris: Elvis hasn’t made it into True Blood yet, but in the source material, the King was discovered very slightly alive by a vampiric morgue attendant. The misguided vamp decides to make the overdosed Elvis undead, but the resulting creature, answering only to “Bubba,” is somehow brain damaged by the process. The other vampires treat him as a dimwitted errand boy, and try to keep him clear of any household pets.

“You Know They Got a Hell of a Band” by Stephen King: Presley is the mayor of the ironically named town of Rock ‘n’ Roll Heaven, a spot in the afterlife where all the great, tragically deceased rock stars of the world gather and subject “normal” residents to interminable concerts for all eternity.

Odd Thomas Series by Dean Koontz: Elvis numbers among the ghosts who befriend the specter-spotting Odd Thomas. Elvis is reluctant to leave the world of the living because he’s not prepared to face his mother’s spirit.

Six-String Samurai: After a Russian nuclear attack destroys an alternate America, Elvis becomes the literal king of a chunk of the American Southwest. After four decades of rule, he dies, and America’s remaining musicians vie to fill his rhinestone-covered shoes.

RoboCop 2: Lest we had any doubt about the King’s demise, RoboCop 2 settles it. The megalomaniacal drug dealer Cain has Elvis’ skeleton, which is sealed inside a glass coffin.

The Twilight Zone “The Once and Future King”: Not only is Elvis unequivocally dead in this Twilight Zone episode, he actually died long before 1977. Gary, an Elvis impersonator, gets sent back to 1954 and meets his idol. But when he tries to prematurely introduce Elvis to rock music and his famous shaking hips, a baffled Elvis becomes enraged and Gary is forced to kill him in self-defense. Gary then takes on Elvis’ identity and spends the next two decades living out every Elvis impersonator’s dream.

Estimate of the Situation (1948)
Prepared by: The United States Air Force’s Project Sign
Contents: During its single year of existence, Sign investigated reports of UFO phenomena. Estimate of the Situation stated that, while the existence of alien saucers could be neither confirmed or denied, most Sign personnel believed that the extraterrestrial hypothesis was the most likely explanation for the phenomena. Since the technology reported by UFO observers was not currently available on Earth, it was likely of extraterrestrial origin, a possibility many in intelligence circles were willing to accept.
Proof of Alien Life? Critics of the Estimate note that the report does not cite any physical evidence of extraplanetary technology (although some claim that the report of physical evidence was censored). But the Air Force was worried enough about the Estimate that it was long suppressed, with officials denying that such a report ever existed. And when members of Sign continued to stand by their extraterrestrial hypothesis, the project was dissolved and its members assigned to other projects.

The Project Magnet Report (1952)
Prepared by: The Canadian Department of Transportation
Contents: The Department of Transportation set up Project Magnet to determine whether extraterrestrial vehicles could be exploiting the Earth’s magnetic field as a method of propulsion. The 1952 Project Magnet report rejected the idea that UFO sightings could be explained as balloons, conventional aircraft, or optical illusions. Given the apparent size and technological capabilities of the crafts, the report concluded:

It appears then, that we are faced with a substantial probability of the real existence of extra-terrestrial vehicles, regardless of whether or not they fit into our scheme of things. Such vehicles of necessity must use a technology considerably in advance of what we have. It is therefore submitted that the next step in this investigation should be a substantial effort towards the acquisition of this technology, which would without doubt be of great value to us.

Proof of Alien Life? Two days after Project Magnet’s observational facility recorded what it believed to be gravimetric variation consistent with an alien vehicle, the Canadian Department of Transportation abruptly ended the program in light of unwanted publicity. The DOT claimed it was because the research was turning up nothing new, but it could be because its secret project wasn’t so secret anymore.

Project Blue Book Special Report No. 14 (1954)
Prepared by: The US Air Force’s Project Blue Book
Contents: After the dissolution of Project Sign and its UFO-debunking successor Project Grudge, Project Blue Book was tasked with the Air Force’s investigation into UFO phenomena. Special Report No. 14 classified various UFO phenomena and described the characteristics between known phenomena – which Blue Book could explain – and “unknown” phenomena, which it could not. Most significantly, the report explains that the reports in unknown phenomena are, in fact, highly detailed and tend to feature an unusually large number of witnesses who are especially competent to report on such phenomena (such as airline pilots and military personnel), as well as corroborating evidence, such as photographs and radar contact. The report indicated that 22% of the cases were unknown.
Proof of Alien Life? The Air Force tried to downplay the percentage of unknowns, and even claimed the report proved that UFOs were not extraterrestrial in origin. But some critics found the high number of well-reported unknowns alarming. Project Blue Book would continue investigating reports of UFOs until 1969, when the Air Force ended its research into UFO phenomena.

UFO Hypothesis and Survival Questions (1968)
Prepared by: The US National Security Agency
Contents: This document explores and rejects the hypotheses that all UFO sightings can be explained as either hoaxes, hallucinations, natural phenomena, or secret Earth projects. It goes on to discuss the implications of extraterrestrial life forms visiting Earth, noting that if UFOs are extraterrestrial in origin, these close encounters could herald humanity’s eventual conquest. It even goes so far as to list how a technologically inferior species could survive and maintain its identity in the face of an alien conqueror. The bottom line is that not knowing the origin of these phenomena presents a risk to national (and perhaps global) security, and that the US should treat the investigation into UFO phenomena with the same urgency that one would treat a cry of “rattlesnake”:

Investigation would become an intensive emergency action to isolate the threat and to determine it’s precise nature – It would be geared to developing adequate defensive measures in a minimum amount of time. It would seem a little more of this survival attitude is called for in dealing with the UFO problem.

Proof of Alien Life? The NSA has stated that this document should not be taken as evidence of the NSA’s belief in alien life, but it does indicate that it does suggest that at least some at the NSA were open to the possibility and believed were deeply disturbed that these potentially dangerous phenomena were left unexplained.

Tehran Incident Documents (1976-1978)
Prepared by: The US Department of Defense and Captain Henry S. Shields, HQ USAFE/INOMP
Contents: The article provides and account of the 1976 Tehran UFO incident, when two F-4 Phantom jet fighters were sent to investigate reports of a UFO spotted over Tehran. Each F-4 lost instrument and communication capability as it approached the object, only to find them restored once they retreated. One F-4 attempted to fire on the object, but its weapons systems malfunctioned. The object did not appear on any surveillance instruments, although several visual sightings did occur. In a classified article for MIJI Quarterly on the incident, Captain Shields writes:

No additional information or explanation of the strange events has been forthcoming; the story will be filed away and probably forgotten, but it makes interesting, and possibly disturbing, reading.

Proof of Alien Life? One of the pilots certainly thought so. Parviz Jafari of the Imperial Iranian Air Force has publicly demanded a worldwide investigation into UFO phenomena as a result of his encounter. The Iranian Air Force Deputy Commander, Lieutenant General Abdollah Azarbarzin reported the incident to the US Military Assistance Advisory Group in Tehran, stating that the UFO outperformed any known human aircraft. This is just one of many reported encounters that the US government has not been able to explain.

CIA Officials Conducting “Unofficial” Research (1976)
Prepared by: Individuals within the US CIA’s Domestic Collection Division
Contents: In response to a request for information on CIA UFO research, someone within the CIA wrote that some within the agency monitor and investigate UFO phenomena, albeit on an unofficial basis:

It does not seem that the government has any formal program in progress for the identification/solution of the UFO phenomena. Dr [censored] feel that the efforts of independent researchers, [censored], are vital for further progress in this area. At the present time, there are offices and personnel within the Agency who are monitoring the UFO phenomena, but again, this is not currently on an official basis. Dr [censored] feels that the best approach would be to keep in touch with and in fact develop reporting channels in this area to keep the Agency/community informed of any new developments. In particular, any information which might indicate a threat potential would be of interest, as would specific indications of foreign developments or applications of UFO related research.

A second letter confirms that the DCD was, in fact, collecting UFO-related information:

At a recent meeting to evaluate some material from [censored] you mentioned a personal interest in the UFO phenomenon. As you may recall, I mentioned my own interest in the subject as well as the fact that DCD had been receiving UFO related material from many of our S&T sources who are presently conducting related research. These scientists include some who have been associated with the Agency for years and who credentials remove them from the “nut variety.”

Proof of Alien Life? Any information related to UFO phenomena in these documents is censored, but it indicates that many CIA employees and contractors were working to better understand the UFO phenomena, even if their work wasn’t officially on the books.

The CIA’s Role in the Study of UFOs, 1947-90 (2002)
Prepared by: Gerald Haines, official CIA historian
Content: In an article for Studies in Intelligence, Haines outlines the CIA’s involvement in UFO research. The CIA admits that it had conducted UFO research independent of the Air Force’s research, that it continued this research after the dissolution of Project Blue Book (which the CIA had a hand in), and that the Agency had deliberately concealed its interest in UFO phenomena from the public.
Proof of Alien Life? The article claims that the Agency maintained only a “low-key interest” in UFOs, which largely waned after the Cold War. It did admit, however, that some individuals within the CIA did take an active interest in the “parapsychology and psychic phenomena associated with UFO sightings.”

Comprehensive Catalog of 1,500 Project Blue Book UFO Unknowns (2003)
Prepared by: Fund for UFO Research (FUROR), based on Blue Book catalog
Content: Although not itself a government document, this document lists the 1,500 declassified UFO reports that Project Blue Book was unable to explain, as well as notes from Blue Book members (it is worth noting that FUROR and Project Blue Book use different criteria, and that Blue Book itself reported only 701 unknowns by its dissolution).
Proof of Alien Life? As with many Blue Book reports, the catalog provides no actual evidence of extraterrestrial life, but only suggests that some incidents require further investigation.

[Blue Book Archive]
[The Black Vault]
[UFOs Are Real: Extraterrestrial Encounters Documented by the U.S. Government]

Roswell: Based on the Roswell High series of young adult novels, the WB/UPN TV series blended extraterrestrial sci-fi with teen drama. Max, Isabel, Michael, and Tess are human/alien hybrids, cloned from members of the Antarian royal family. Their pods, which landed in Roswell, were spirited away and left in a ship in the desert for 40 years before hatching human-shaped tots. But things don't really get complicated until they become hormonal teenagers willing to divulge their secrets to anybody with a cute smile.

Futurama: In "Roswell That Ends Well," an incident involving metal in the microwave sends the Planet Express crew back to the year 1947 and causes the ship to crash land in New Mexico. The military personnel find Bender's body, which they mistake for a flying saucer, and perform an alien autopsy on a still-living (and still eating) Dr. Zoidberg. The episode won an Emmy and had far-reaching ramifications for the series, though due less to the Roswell incident than to Fry's rather disturbing solution to the grandfather paradox.

X-Files: Fox Mulder is always after the truth of alien life on Earth, and, though the event is often referenced, he gets closer to discovering what occurred in 1947 Roswell in "The Unnatural." Mulder learns of Josh Exley, an alien who played baseball for the intriguingly names Roswell Grays. Exley's death at the hands of an alien bounty hunter coincided with the incident at Roswell. However, the Cigarette-Smoking Man will later suggest that Roswell was merely a smoke screen for more nefarious activities.

Deep Space Nine: Quark has a well-known distaste for humans, impolitely tolerating them and their root beer at his bar. And he gains greater insight into the self-destructive history of humanity when a warp accident sends him, Rom, and Nog to the Roswell site. He witnesses a time when humans detonated nuclear weapons on their own soil and sucked down cancer-causing smoke. The only things standing between Quark and a big payoff from the gullible humans are a bunch of paranoid government officials and a return trip to his own time.

Stargate SG-1: In the Stargate novel Roswell, we learn exactly why the Asgard resemble accounts of Roswell Greys. The SG-1 team gets trapped in 1947, where they become embroiled in a conspiracy involving a crashed Asgard ship in Roswell and end up wreaking havoc with the timeline.

Doctor Who: Although the Doctor has not yet found himself in the New Mexican desert, he did once visit near-future Utah, landing inside a museum of alien artifacts. The archive's amoral owner reverse engineers found alien technologies and sells them to the world, including one discovered with the Roswell spacecraft.

Taken: The Roswell crash sets the events of multi-generational epic Taken are set into motion. Captain Owens becomes obsessed with the secrets of the crash, emotionally abandoning his family though his son eventually inherits his obsession. The crash's sole survivor blends in with humanity and even fathers a child, producing a line of humans with alien abilities. And, after his abduction by aliens, Russell Keys finds extraterrestrials take an obtrusive interest in him and his family.

Roswell, Texas: In this alternate history online comic, Roswell and the rest of New Mexico fall within the jurisdiction of the Federated States of Texas, an independent nation seated between the US and Mexico. Upon hearing reports of a flying saucer crashing in Roswell, President Charles Lindburgh tasks a quartet of Texas Rangers to learn the truth. They manage to beat the American, Californian, and various European forces to the punch, but can't quite wrap their heads around what they find.

American Dad: It's unclear how Roger went from box store greeter to interstellar traveler, but he is one of many who claims responsibility for the Roswell incident. He was eventually discovered by Stan Smith in the CIA's care at Area 51. Since then, he's gorged on snack foods, gulped martinis, watched plenty of syndicated television, and been in no particular rush to get home.

The Invisibles: Conspiracy theories are truth in The Invisibles, and the Roswell alien is no exception. But instead of a creature from space who flew down to Earth in a saucer, this Roswell alien is a liquid being of pure suffering from another universe, drained into our world through the detonation of the atomic bomb.

Roswell Conspiracies: Aliens, Myths and Legends: The conspirators in Roswell Conspiracies aren't covering up an alien landing at Roswell. In fact, they staged the whole thing to distract people from the fact that aliens landed long ago. And, on top of that, aliens are actually the ones behind all the creatures of folklore: ghosts, werewolves, banshees, and vampires.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: If Indiana Jones has to get caught up in a search for extraterrestrial artifacts, there is no better place for him to start than with a certain alien visitor to the Southwest, who has posthumously made the trip to Nevada. Ever resourceful Indy leads hard-nosed KGB agent Irina Spalko to the ET's highly magnetic remains by following the bouncing metal balls.

Roswell, Little Green Man: One of Roswell's more adorable extraterrestrial immigrants comes from Bongo Comics co-founder Bill Morrison. Wide-eyed Roswell wears a cowboy hat, rides an atomically-enlarged bunny rabbit, and befriends a brilliant but underemployed diner waitress named Julienne Fryes.

Independence Day: Everyone is utterly shocked when an alien mothership enters Earth's orbit and promptly vaporizes several US cities. Well, everyone except conspiracy nuts and certain members of the government, the latter having kept the aliens' scout ship stashed away in Area 51 for decades. It's a good thing, too, since that ship proves to be humanity's last hope.

Tracker: Alien bounty hunter drama Tracker takes a detour through Roswell. Cole chases a pair of alien convicts to New Mexico, where they try to recover an item lost in the crash. Everyone comes up empty-handed and, in the end, the item becomes part of a diner waitress's collection of Roswell-themed tchotchkes.

Majestic, The Grays: Whitley Streiber, perhaps best known for his novel The Day After Tomorrow, claims grey aliens abducted him from his cabin in upstate New York. Unsurprisingly, these aliens have been a favorite subject of his. In Majestic, he weaves together reports from the Roswell incident to enable his ex-CIA agent protagonist to discover the truth about our alien visitors. In The Grays, the Roswell incident occurred long ago, and the grey aliens live secretly on Earth, freely sharing their advanced technology.

Seven Days: The NSA possesses the Chronosphere, a technology that can send one person back in time seven days to avert disaster. As it turns out, the US didn't create the technology itself, but acquired it from an alien ship that crashed en route to a penal colony. When members of Project Backstep innocently attempt to return one of the survivors to his home planet, they find that not all greys are friendly.

Zoom Suit: Another piece of Roswell-found tech forms the plot of zoom suit. NSA agent Simon Bane steels a powerful alien suit the government failed to reverse engineer. But the suit was lost in a melee and discovered by 12 year-old Myles who uses it to become a superhero.

Lilo & Stitch: Social worker Cobra Bubbles wasn't involved in the 1947 Roswell incident, but he did have an alien encounter there in 1973. To ensure the Earth's protection from extraterrestrial forces, he manages to have the planet declared a wildlife preserve for the "endangered" mosquito.

Tripping the Rift: After getting in a fender bender with a pair of scam artist greys, Chode tries to escape higher insurance premiums by fleeing through a wormhole. The greys pursue and crash in the desert, with predictable results.

No, it wasn't an alien signal, though that would be cool. It was just by chance that one of the gamma radiation bursts zoomed to Earth at 99.99995 percent the speed of light. In a report published today in Nature, the researchers say that this is probably the fastest matter in the universe, and that it comes wrapped inside a slightly slower-moving, wider jet of matter. One of the scientists reported that the inner, super-fast jet is so narrow that it's "1/100th the angular size of the full Moon." So Earthlings were lucky indeed to be in its path to make these observations.

According to PhysOrg:

Dr. Jonathan Granot from the University of Hertfordshire, lead theorist on the paper, explained “What really makes this GRB unique is its extremely bright prompt optical emission (visible with the naked-eye), which coincides in time with the gamma-rays, and was recorded with amazing time resolution. The optical and gamma-rays are in distinct spectral components, produced by a different emission mechanisms, but most likely came from the same physical region, far from the progenitor star.”

I still think there's room here for a conspiracy theory. Jet just happens to hit Earth? And we're still not sure if the optical rays and gamma rays came from the same event? Is this a message hidden in a gamma ray burst?! Hey, that's how it would happen on Star Trek, OK?

Naked Eye Gamma Burst Aimed at Earth [via PhysOrg]

According to a report on Real UFOs:

Ufologists have discovered a trend whereby Ufos are seen in the northern hemisphere usually from spring to summer, May - start of september. I guess the obvious reason is that most people are out then on holidays to witness such sightings but there is also some connection with geological phenomena. This is seen with the 'crop circle seasons' of summer and is apparently attributed to a vortex created by changes in water channels under the ground.

Ohhh, right. Vortexes. There's even a video from the History Channel that explains it all to you.

Apparently stone structures and monoliths in England are somehow connected to these vortexes and that explains everything about why when you're not on holiday, you don't see UFOs. I also think it's nice that UFOs tend to show up in pretty places, like Hudson Valley, New York, so you can come for a vacation and check out the alien visitors. Tourism conspiracy, anyone?

UFOs Come in Seasons [Real UFOs]

1. We have been located in a backwater part of the galactic rim.
To keep Earth inhabitants away from the rest of the universe community, our planet was stuck way out in the boondocks at the rim of a second-rate galaxy. Obviously only a higher alien intelligence could have done this, to prevent humans from leaking out everywhere and finding all the cool shit in the universe.

2. Space debris is a shield to keep us from hearing alien broadcasts.
You've heard that there are thousands of pieces of space junk orbiting Earth, posing a danger to orbiting spacecraft and creating a haze of garbage around the planet. Recently the Chinese government created infinitely more space trash by shooting one of its satellites, scattering its shattered body into orbit. What could be the possible reason for leaving all this junk in orbit, instead of cleaning it up? Obviously, our governments are using the junk as a deflection shield to prevent alien messages and craft from getting through. And this suits the aliens just fine, since they're quarantining us anyway.

3. Space-based weapons prevent aliens from wanting to bond with us.
According to Alfred Webre, a Canadian futurist and author of the recent book Exopolitics:

Star Wars and the militarization of space is part of the information war against the integration with Universe society. Star Wars is an "inside code word" for this war among the military planners. The issue is whether our space technology will be in accord with Universal principles, or controlled by a military empire. The USA will ultimately suffer ignominious defeat by Universe society should it persist as a space military power.

Well, that pretty much covers it.

4. JPL scientists who are in on the quarantine efforts helped perpetuate the myths that were reported in Wired about how we could "never achieve interstellar travel."
Why don't they want us to believe in interstellar travel? Why? These are space scientists, dammit — doesn't it strike you as odd that they are saying we shouldn't go to space?

5. NASA's launch of a suborbital rocket fails.
Today NASA launched a suborbital rocket, but had to shoot it out of the sky due to alleged "launch failure." Really? Could this actually be an effort to discourage suborbital rockets, which might break through the space debris and catch sight of the Universe society? As one blogger points out, NASA already knows about aliens. Thus, they're the perfect organization to make it seem as if there were "problems" on a rocket that was about to run into alien vessels.

6. Large Hadron Collider.
Seriously — need we say more? Any alien civilization worth its salt would know that when we start beaming subatomic particles through that giant, Swiss magnetic loop that the Terrible Events are about to begin. Stay the hell away from Earth when that happens.

7. Project Bluebook closed.
In the 1950s and 60s, the Air Force created Project Bluebook, an investigative project to figure out what all those UFOs were. Despite the fact that people continue to see UFOs every day, the project was shut down in 1969. Why? Was that the year that the government learned about the Quarantine and decided to pull the wool over our eyes?

8. Twelve missions to Mars failed en route to the planet.
Sure we have some satellites orbiting Mars now, and three robots on the surface doing measurements. But they're only in the quarantined areas. Whenever a satellite or spacecraft has tried to go near certain off-limits parts of the planet, they've mysteriously disappeared. Traces of them are never found again, even by the satellites that are supposedly photographing the planet in such minute detail that they can see this hunk of ice.

9. Global warming makes planet more comfortable for everybody.
Little-discussed fact about global warming: It will make all the least-inhabitable regions of the planet into a tropical paradise. Climate change is basically a massive, multinational conspiracy to get everyone so comfy on Earth that they never want to go to ultra-cold Mars or the even colder reaches of deep space. It's good when people believe they actually CHOSE to be quarantined, isn't it?

10. Fly Me to the Moon
This movie about flies stowing away on a moon rocket was actually a government-sponsored plot to make traveling offworld seem so awful that nobody would ever want to do it again.

In the face of such compelling evidence, you cannot deny the TRUTH. Somebody — or something — doesn't want us to leave the planet. We're being . . . quarantined!!!

He Runs the Conspiracy

Most presidents are content merely to sit in the pocket of the shadowy conspiracy that rules the country, vetoing an anti-corporate bill here and issuing the occasional questionable pardon. But Nixon is no one’s henchman. When he wants JFK gone, he takes the Comedian to Dallas and gives the order himself. When the Secret Empire framed Captain America for murder in its plot to rule the United States, Nixon wasn’t some mere co-conspirator. He was the guy with the number one printed on his freaky black hood.

He Repealed the 22nd Amendment

Why have a president when you can have a dictator? The 22nd Amendment just makes the US Constitution overlong and difficult for schoolchildren to memorize. Fortunately, Nixon realized that once you’ve got superheroes and secret police on the payroll, you don’t need term limits.

He Won Vietnam, Twice

The Vietnam War had raged for ten years by the time Nixon took office in 1969. But he realized something his predecessors did not: an atomic superman trumps guerilla warfare. With the aid of Doctor Manhattan, Nixon handily ends the conflict in a mere three months. Apparently it doesn’t take, because he uses far more mundane means several years later in Philip K. Dick is Dead, Alas, bombarding the irrigation facilities in Hanoi and Haiphong and forcing a surrender of the North Vietnamese forces in 1974. The result of this victory, however, is not peace and prosperity, but an advanced arms race and at least eight more years of Nixon.

He Battled Philip K. Dick

In 1974, the entity VALIS, which might be God, told writer Philip K. Dick that Nixon was the leader of an oppressive empire comprised of three great superpowers. Since then, Dick and Nixon have warred across the universes, from Dick’s own Radio Free Albemuth to Paul McAuley’s “The Two Dicks,” with Nixon suppressing subversive literature as fast as Dick can compose it. Dick finally dies at the beginning of Michael Bishop’s Philip K. Dick is Dead, Alas, but his ghost takes on the task of bringing down Nixon’s fascist rendition of America.

He’s Unstoppable

Nixon is nothing if not resilient. Lose the presidency? Run for governor of California. Lose the gubernatorial race? Run for president again. Accused of taking illegal campaign contributions? Assure the public that your daughters really love that dog.

Not even death can stop Nixon. Despite taking a bullet to the temple following the events of the Secret Empire, he manages to win reelection in 1976, 1980, and 1984 in Alan Moore’s history. He even manages to claim victory in the 3000 election thanks to the technology that keeps heads alive in jars and a disenfranchised robot voting bloc. When you install Nixon, you get a leader that lasts.

Other candidates may try to wow you with their corporate interests, shady backroom dealings, and public scandals, but only Nixon has an unmarred record of dystopian success. So the next time you need a leader for your warring, fascist, or just plain broken down American nation, think Richard Nixon.

Think about it. In their reviews, athiests, scientists, and the scientifically inclined universally hate the movie. They've lashed out early and often. But they're just adding fuel to the fire. If the producers want anything it's publicity, and they've gotten it. Everyone's paying attention to the movie, but between the PZ Myers gaffe and now a lawsuit, the film seems destined to fail. And that failure seems just a little too easy, a little too convenient.

Who really made this film, and what is its true agenda?

Tonight we're going to see the film and get to the bottom of this. Watch this space tomorrow for the tell-all review.