A review of a midnight show of A Thousand Words, that shitty Eddie…

Back in July 2008, I remember reading the movie listings for Philadelphia-area movie theaters. There's absolutely no reason this memory should be emblazoned in my mind, save for one strange fact — multiple theaters in the greater Bucks-Montgomery County nexus were holding opening night 12:01 AM showings of Meet Dave,… » 3/09/12 9:45am 3/09/12 9:45am

Why McG's new romcom is secretly a Star Trek movie

Today is Valentine's Day, a holiday which commemorates the armistice between global cacao manufacturers and the prophylactic industry after their centuries-long shadow war. To capitalize on this day of demure remembrance, the popcorn-industrial complex has released This Means War, a new motion picture event by director … » 2/14/12 12:40pm 2/14/12 12:40pm

The exact formula for writing Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked

For today's installment of Crackpot Movie Review, we've recruited the expertise of Professor Horus X. Lomax, Vice-Director of Cultural Preservation at the Svalbard Dross Vault, the sister organization of the Svalbard Global Seed Vault in Spitsbergen, Norway. Today's topic: the soul-rending arithmetic of the third Alvin … » 12/18/11 10:10am 12/18/11 10:10am

Puss, Boots, BDSM, and the Plutonic Ideal

The new Dreamworks Shrek spin-off Puss in Boots is about a cat and a hat and is really kind of meritless, unless you're a member of fursuit fandom who can only appreciate Salma Hayek when she's a sultry tabby. » 10/30/11 2:20pm 10/30/11 2:20pm

Spy Kids 4 is the 21st century equivalent of The Children's Crusade

Despite my elementary school diploma, I loved Spy Kids: All the Time in the World. Why? It's a chilling examination of an alternate reality in which children have become fellow travelers in global espionage, a parallel universe where Langley is run like Willy Wonka's candy-colored calorie mill. Like Ender's Game mixed… » 8/20/11 12:25pm 8/20/11 12:25pm

Why Hop is the unofficial sequel to X-Men 3

Hop has the veneer of a subpar kids' flick, but it's actually a stealth sequel to the total clusterfuck that was X-Men: The Last Stand. This secularized-Easter-cum-talking-creature feature tells the lost history of Cyclops, who supposedly died offscreen in X3. » 4/09/11 8:00am 4/09/11 8:00am

Gulliver's Travels will make you seasick in the cineplex

Gulliver's Travels is neither a movie nor an adaptation of Jonathan Swift's fantasy yarn. Rather, it's a cultural artifact of American pop circa 2010, an immediately dated voyage through the seas of our own cinematic feculence. » 12/28/10 12:55pm 12/28/10 12:55pm