A review of a midnight show of A Thousand Words, that shitty Eddie…

Back in July 2008, I remember reading the movie listings for Philadelphia-area movie theaters. There's absolutely no reason this memory should be emblazoned in my mind, save for one strange fact — multiple theaters in the greater Bucks-Montgomery County nexus were holding opening night 12:01 AM showings of Meet Dave,… » 3/09/12 9:45am 3/09/12 9:45am

Why McG's new romcom is secretly a Star Trek movie

Today is Valentine's Day, a holiday which commemorates the armistice between global cacao manufacturers and the prophylactic industry after their centuries-long shadow war. To capitalize on this day of demure remembrance, the popcorn-industrial complex has released This Means War, a new motion picture event by… » 2/14/12 12:40pm 2/14/12 12:40pm

The exact formula for writing Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked

For today's installment of Crackpot Movie Review, we've recruited the expertise of Professor Horus X. Lomax, Vice-Director of Cultural Preservation at the Svalbard Dross Vault, the sister organization of the Svalbard Global Seed Vault in Spitsbergen, Norway. Today's topic: the soul-rending arithmetic of the third… » 12/18/11 10:10am 12/18/11 10:10am

11-11-11 is crapola-crapola-crapola

Yesterday — at 1:10 PM on November 11, 2011 — I saw director Darren Lynn Bousman's (Saws II through IV, Repo! The Genetic Opera) new supernatural horror flick 11-11-11. » 11/12/11 1:45pm 11/12/11 1:45pm

Puss, Boots, BDSM, and the Plutonic Ideal

The new Dreamworks Shrek spin-off Puss in Boots is about a cat and a hat and is really kind of meritless, unless you're a member of fursuit fandom who can only appreciate Salma Hayek when she's a sultry tabby. » 10/30/11 2:20pm 10/30/11 2:20pm

Is Shark Night 3D the culmination of all human aesthetic thought?…

Tragedy, comedy, irony, post-irony, paint-by-numbers Hollywood, post-celebrity, lurid, ascetic, penis, vagina, bull shark, tiger shark. Shark Night 3D is all of these. » 9/03/11 2:20pm 9/03/11 2:20pm

Spy Kids 4 is the 21st century equivalent of The Children's Crusade

Despite my elementary school diploma, I loved Spy Kids: All the Time in the World. Why? It's a chilling examination of an alternate reality in which children have become fellow travelers in global espionage, a parallel universe where Langley is run like Willy Wonka's candy-colored calorie mill. Like Ender's Game mixed… » 8/20/11 12:25pm 8/20/11 12:25pm

Sweet Edsel Jesus, there's a Pope Car in Cars 2

Cars 2 has the body of burnished Pixar purdiness, a chassis built of the bleached bones of Geoffrey the Giraffe, and an engine kissed by the Cylon god. In Cars 2, God isn't the cosmic clockmaker; he's the cosmic carburetor. » 6/25/11 9:00am 6/25/11 9:00am

Why Hop is the unofficial sequel to X-Men 3

Hop has the veneer of a subpar kids' flick, but it's actually a stealth sequel to the total clusterfuck that was X-Men: The Last Stand. This secularized-Easter-cum-talking-creature feature tells the lost history of Cyclops, who supposedly died offscreen in X3. » 4/09/11 8:00am 4/09/11 8:00am

Gulliver's Travels will make you seasick in the cineplex

Gulliver's Travels is neither a movie nor an adaptation of Jonathan Swift's fantasy yarn. Rather, it's a cultural artifact of American pop circa 2010, an immediately dated voyage through the seas of our own cinematic feculence. » 12/28/10 12:55pm 12/28/10 12:55pm

In Yogi Bear, Jellystone Park is District 9 (for bears)

Yogi Bear is not a kids' movie. It is a bleak futurist parable about humanity's inability to accept a non-human sapience. It is also about a bear who wears a hat. » 12/18/10 7:50am 12/18/10 7:50am

Case 39 = Bridget Jones goes to Hell: The Ride

It's a misnomer to call Case 39 a "movie." No, Case 39 has more in common with amusement park simulators like Star Tours. It simulates the experience of adopting a demonic child by slowly draining the audience's life force. Spoilers. » 10/02/10 12:15pm 10/02/10 12:15pm

Piranha 3D is anti-evolution, anti-sex, pro-police state propaganda!

There was no critics' screening of Piranha 3D, so I ventured out of my cave, $12 in hand, to see it yesterday afternoon. And now I know the truth. This movie is an authoritarian plot! » 8/21/10 2:26pm 8/21/10 2:26pm

Mass nostalgia and kielbasa golems: what scifi can learn from The…

The Expendables is big loud action movie in which Naugahyde-hewn war gods turn junta lackeys into goulash for the better half of 103 minutes. It's screamingly ordinary, but the mass nostalgia it hawks is a genre cinema paradigm. » 8/15/10 12:35pm 8/15/10 12:35pm

Marmaduke is the biggest "F*** You" to modernity I've ever seen

Marmaduke is so self-evidently bad that slamming it would be tautological. No, what concerns me is that this superpowered dog movie wasn't made for modern audiences. It's a crumbling monument to our own execrable pursuit of entertainment. » 6/12/10 10:00am 6/12/10 10:00am

The film is not a warning to future generations, as…

Why Sex and the City 2 is a science fiction movie

I saw Sex and the City 2 yesterday. I didn't anticipate it would be a very good movie (indeed, it reminded me at times of Mannequin), but I also didn't anticipate it would be a scifi film. What? » 5/29/10 11:00am 5/29/10 11:00am

1.) The lead of is book writer and former sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica-Parker). Carrie is the main…