1. Experience a horrific trauma or terrible setback that fills you with power lust and an unhealthy desire for revenge. Really, it could be anything. Did somebody tell you that mega-knights weren't supposed to have sex with princesses even though princesses are totally hot? Did somebody unfairly lock you in a burning, underground chamber or two-dimensional space square just because you tried to rule the Earth? Do you just want a special companion who will understand your urge to convert animals into humans, but THEY keep thwarting your every move? All of these are legitimate sources of trauma and anger, and will be perfect emotional springboards from which to launch your reign of terror.

2. Try to do something sort of good, but discover that goodness is weakness. Give some frozen yogurt to your object of affection while explaining your plans to subjugate the continent. Oops - that drove her into the arms of your arch nemesis. Attempt to improve the planet by unleashing everyone's "true selves" via drugs in the water. Why are people so ungrateful? You are just giving them what they want! Save a cat who bites you. Yet another ungrateful creature on this planet! You'll show them!

3. Pick an outfit that says "master." Obviously black is a good way to go, especially if it's shiny, has a lot of laces and buckles, and is topped off with a flowy cape. Latex is a must, at least somewhere. Masks are also good, especially if they distort your voice, but helmets cannot be underestimated. Bonus points if your outfit conceals, but also calls attention to, some disfiguring injury that you suffered while doing evil or being traumatized into your life of evil.

4. If you would like to be a mistress, make sure your outfit is dangerously sexy. Men can be mistresses who want to build the ultimate man and control time itself, but they still have to wear corsets and high heels. In general, a mistress outfit should be skintight, possibly garnished with feathers, sequins, spikes, or inexplicable epaulets. A high collar attached to a short, kicky cape is also a good idea. Headgear should be at least as large as your head.

5. Get a submissive sidekick to call you master. Mind-controlled beefcake, robots, and deformed creatures with horns make great sidekicks. You should always have one chief sidekick who rules the minions (for more on minions, see below). Do not despair if you can't find a sidekick right away, because often sidekicks are made in giant vats rather than found on the street or in an insane asylum. A really good sidekick only has to be able to say "yes master" and carry out your orders. The rest of the time he or she or it can growl or hiss wordlessly. Also, don't forget that your sidekick can be a cat or monkey to whom you constantly whisper your plans maniacally.

6. Gather or make your minions. Like sidekicks, minions are often made not born. You can either build them out of scrap (the old robot army trick) or convert regular humans into brainwashed followers via drugs, brain implants, magical spells, or just plain terror. When crafting your minions, remember that they are your responsibility! If you make yourself a clone army, be sure you have somewhere safe to keep them and enough food to prevent them from dying before you take over the galactic rim. Masters these days often opt for solar-powered robot minions because they're easy to maintain and don't destroy the environment. It's the master's job to destroy the environment, not the minions'!

7. Set some goals. A master always has one purpose in life which he or she works on obsessively. Maybe you want to destroy the world, rule the solar system, control the spice, or simply unleash chaos because it's fun. No matter what your goals are, start small and work your way toward the bigger prize. If you want to destroy an interstellar conspiracy, start by destroying just one planet. If your goal is to spread anarchy to the world, start by blowing up a few hospitals. And if you want to remake the world in your image, filled with worshipers who understand your specialness, why not begin by taking over one city? Get a toehold before you start sprinting.

8. Know your nemesis. Whenever a master steps up to the plate, somebody (usually a pansy-ass leader) will try to stop the mastery. Keep your tentacles tuned to sounds of resistance. Is there an underground group of humans living in the sewers trying to undermine your regime? Is there somebody who is also from your race of superbeings or is possibly an old colleague who has pledged to stop you? What about an alien or mutant who hides among humans and thwarts your every move? Once you've located your nemesis, you must crush them instantly.

9. Consolidate your power. You've turned your nemesis into Dobby the Elf and sung disco to him. The entire city is in chaos. The meteor is heading for Earth, and your assassination plot is working according to plan. At last your shining cities will rise on the horizon! Everyone will shout your name! Genetically-engineered dinosaurs will rule the seas!

10. Dominate! Rule cruelly but serenely from a throne on a spaceship, a hidden island, or possibly the burned-out remains of City Hall. Send your minions out to march in the street, and explain to your sidekick once again how everything is within your grasp. Your minion will either purr happily or drool out the words, "Yesssss, master." Possibly, if you've designed the sidekick to have intellect, he or she will remind you nervously that there is still that pesky little nemesis you didn't manage to track down. SILENCE! WE WILL CRUSH OUR ENEMIES!

10.5. Go back to 1. Curses! Foiled again!

[via The Hollywood Reporter]

TOYIB's Gallery [DeviantArt via Nerdcore]

Greenham Airfield,June 5, 1944
Neuschwanstein 1945
Yalta Conference 1945
Cherbourg 1944
Unknown Location, 1945

"In this set, you'll find a Chopper Droid, 2-1B, and Darth Vader with a medical table, plus accessories." What, no James Earl Jones sound effects and creepy leering Emperor? Hmmmm, I'd still play with it, but I'm not sure how exciting putting his helmet on and off would still be after an hour. At least it comes with the medical table. I'm still waiting for the awkward Luke-kisses-his-sister play set.

[Entertainment Earth via Topless Robot]

This year's SyFy San Diego Comic-Con limited edition exclusive*? A new Battlestar Galactica toaster with added LED eye and toast message:
If you're wondering why the upgrade, they're probably just trying to steal back some of their thunder after the announcement of the very similar Star Wars Darth Vader toaster:
Yes, I know; a Darth Vader toaster doesn't have the same double meaning pun as the cylon model. Me, I'm holding out until they add a soundchip so that James Earl Jones' voice says "Luke, I am your toaster," followed by Mark Hamill screaming "No! It can't be!"

* - Weirdly, despite being "produced exclusively for Comic-Con," you won't be able to buy it at Comic-Con; it's only available on NBC's website. Don't ask me how that works.

Comic-Con Battlestar Galactica LED Toaster [NBC Universal Store]

This weeks Simpsons journeyed into the fanfic-writing mind of little Lisa Simpson. After she meets Juliet, voiced by Blunt, the two escape to a world in their imagination. But their new-found friendship isn't meant to last. Their magical world begins to bleed into their real lives a bit too much.

But the best part of the entire episode is when Nelson Muntz pops up with his headless Darth Vader doll, which he presses against his Vader's "girlfriend," a broke-down Malibu Stacy. Excellent.

Enjoy the entire episode below:

More images can be found on Michael Heilemann's Flickr set.

Anyone who Googles for 6860 Hollywood Blvd in Los Angeles, clicks on the "Street View" and then rotates the camera 180° will see the chilling picture above of popular Sith Lord Darth Vader directing his faithful Stormtrooper guard to shoot the Google camera van so as to not reveal their contemptuous hidden plans (and Darth's real height; apparently, he wore platforms for the movies).

Obviously, the Stormtrooper was too late, but who knows how far the Imperial takeover of California has gotten since the picture was taken? There's no way of being sure, so all we can safely say is this: Nevada, Oregon and Arizona... Be warned. Be careful. And use the Force.

[Google Maps] (Thanks, Patrick!)

First Attempt:
Being Darth Vader is fantastic awesome amazing. You start on the planet Kashyyyk (AKA Wookie World) and just get to blow everything up looking for this Jedi. Good fun all around. You get all of the best powers right away. Truly, this was a great decision to make a game focusing on the Force and not a super-wookie of Han Solo-like hero. Hmmm. You can't run, which makes sense because Vader would never run. Told my friend that I didn't like Vader's Cape in the game, to which he replied that, without it, he would look stupid, and that I'm stupid for even suggesting such a thing. Pause for argument. Once settled that, yes, Vader should always have some sort of dramatic cape, we're back to playing. I've lost count of how many people I've executed because dangling squirmy beings over in the air is too much fun. Hey look! That kid is really strong, let's make him our pet. So far so good. I'm liking the cutie Secret Apprentice and being able to use the powers. I can't throw objects for crap at the moment, but I'm getting better. I'm warned that it will only get much much harder.

(I later seek a second opinion on the whole cape argument, only to be told that I'm wrong again: "Meredith, keep in mind Vader also has some vest or tunic underneath, so try to picture the baddest dude in the galaxy with a World War 2 helmet and a long vest. I think the cape is necessary." I promise I won't bring it up again.)

Second Attempt:
Clearly, George Lucas hates orange people, so no surprise that Shaak Ti dies in this video game (she had already died twice before in deleted scenes from LEGO Star Wars and in deleted scenes from Revenge Of The Sith). When she commits suicide on planet Felucia, it was met with ho-hums from most, but what actually really pissed me off was that her exit into the sarlacc pit was terribly meh. We've all seen the stabby lightsaber through the heart/throat deleted scene and heard of the possible decapitation head tentacles flying. But in Force Unleashed she just jumps to her death. How can you kill someone for the third time and have it be so boring? I thought she should have been lit on fire, but other friends suggested either an actual recreation of the mythical never-before-seen decapitation or that Starkiller throw her into the pit by her head horns (classy).

Moving on, Oooh snap. Vader stabbed his loved one in the chest. It was one of those surprise moments that I didn't actually see coming, I thought surely the Emperor would have killed him. WTF? He got sucked into space and he didn't die immediately. Star Wars science is bullshit! I'm not the only one who is perturbed by this.

Now that we're getting a closer look at actual humans from past wars I can easily say that CG Princess Leia looks great, but who is doing her voice? It's cancelling out all the hard work that the designers did getting her "just so." That said, this whole revisit to Kashyyyk is worth it just to check out Ozzik Sturn's trophy room with all the stuffed heads from the prequel monsters and even a few aliens that were clearly intelligent beings - It's creepy and awesome. It's hard when you're used to watching the movies and not the Star Wars games, because everytime there's a video cut I get excited, but tire of the continual "Thank you but you need to do this one thing in order for me to help you." Obviously, tasks are important in a game, but I have a hard time caring about saving the Wookies just 'cause. But then again it is cool to see them celebrate.

...I'm growing tired of Maris Brood and her repetitive jive talking. She sucks and I'm insulted that I've died so many times because of this little imp. Especially since everyone I know killed her in one shot. Thank God for the inferior AI moments in this game where people like the Shadow Guard and Purge Stormtroopers get stuck. These moments have given me the ability slowly learn how to use my powers and whatnot.

Are there any other planets in this game besides Felucia and Kashyyyk? I wish we could explore a few more places, but at least each one is different everytime we visit it.

Final question that I bother my friends with before quitting on this go-round: If the Purge Stormtroopers have armor that can resist the force what do you think it's made of? I say anti-midi-chlorians. Other responses: the animals from Timothy Zahn's ysalimiri (10 points for that answer), and two votes for adamantium.

Third Attempt:
I'm having a hell of a time beating Proxy, and at this point I'm debating just handing the controller over just so I can watch the end. I'm being teased by friends who finished this in one long sitting, but at least I didn't resort to running around and screaming while holding the controller unlike certain others. I happen to think that the transformation into Darth Maul was totally unexpected and neat, but apparently I'm alone in this opinion. After the initial shock is warn off I'm told that this is merely a gratuitous reference to the past films. "Yeah but it's Darth Maul, they had to throw him in there somewhere."

Fourth Attempt:
Onto the hard part. HOLY CRAP, the Death Star looks sweet... Ooooh my god, this level is insane. I try to make it past the entrance and fail over and over. I blame Juno.

Did anyone else think that the love story in Force Unleashed was rushed, still I'm glad it was included. I'm sure she'll play a larger role than we know at the moment. The kiss was adorable if not overly dramatic with yet ANOTHER backwards jump into an abyss. I'm going to have to side with friends when they collectively hoped that the Apprentice was so powerful with the Force that he impregnated her with just that kiss and she now has a secret baby. I definitely think that a Jedi could get a woman pregnant with a kiss, and my friends agree. Especially Starkiller (oh yeah we got the shout out to Luke's possible name thanks).

Retire from sheer jealousy.

Fifth Attempt:
Leaving and coming back did not make the last level any less difficult, as I'd hoped. I'd been warned about this and now realize that I may be up all night just trying to survive the first few minutes. I think my friend Jake explained it best: "I honestly for the first part of the final level just put the controller down and went and made myself some raspberry iced tea while the secret apprentice got fucking murdered."

Many, many, many, many, many hours later (and also some asking for help in the way of "You play this part"), I got to see the happy ending. Even though I hate Juno because she's got a killer body, a sexy accent and gets to kiss the Apprentice, I was rooting for them. So yes it was sad to see her all alone, but I'm assuming the aforementioned kiss left her with super child. More importantly, I shared the joy in the creation of the Rebellion and realized how funny it is that the people I know with Rebellion tattoos will now forever be linked in my head to a video game. No, I didn't shriek when they uncovered the crest of Marek for the new symbol of the rebellion, but it was still cool to find out where it came from. Strange, that the Emperor and Darth Vader practically created the group that would later bring them all down; you'd think they'd be smarter than that.

(I was then told that if I played the level again I would be able to see the Dark Side ending. Screw that, it took me forever to get to this spot, I just went and watched it on youtube. Let me tell you, Edward Scissorhand Apprentice is disturbing. That's him on the left - scary, no? It's sad because everyone dies. While the "what if" scenario is cool, it doesn't really jive or sit well with everything else. Sometimes it's okay to just let someone be dead. But I think that if I saw scissorhand coming at me I'd probably crap my pants.)

So what did I think of the game? Excellent, fun, and well worth my time. SA is a great character and never really gets too mean to not fall in love with. Granted, it got frustrating - I think that the 7th time I was killed by Proxy I yelled and woke up the neighbor's baby - but these are the prices that we have to pay for the good ending (Not the scary Dark one). Will I play it again? Maybe? Probably? I still need to prove myself since I had so much help through almost all of the game, after all.

But probably the best thing about Force Unleashed was that for a video game the main character held my love and attention 10,000 times better than this guy:

The Force Unleashed Campaign Guide is being released today in conjunction with the video game. It depicts the Empire's domination of the galaxy, years before any unified rebellion existed to oppose it. Many characters familiar to fans of the classic trilogy appear during the so-called Dark Times, including Vader, the Emperor, and several notable Moffs. With no cohesive groups to join, Light Side heroes have to fend for themselves and take their shots against the soul-crushing fascist Imperials wherever they can.

This guide, like the Knights of the Old Republic Campaign Guide, features great production values and excellent interior art, including concept and production art from the video game that hasn't appeared anywhere else. It also ties into the Force Unleashed miniatures set that came out last year.The material in the guide is drawn from the game as well as the other multimedia products associated with it, such as the novel and the graphic novel. In addition to a ton of new alien races, talent trees, Jedi talents, ships, droids, weapons and characters, it features a section on creating your own organization. Will you form an elite group of anti-Imperial commandos? A smuggler's guild? Attempt to unite a group of backstabbing bounty hunters? If there's one thing this guide definitely offers, it's lots of options. Image by Wizards of the Coast.

The Force Unleashed Campaign Guide [via Amazon]

It's not just that George Lucas' first three films in the series - well, mostly the first two, to be honest - slowly undid all of your parents' hard-taught lessons about a larger morality by showing you that gamblers, smugglers and bounty hunters were all actually really awesome, and that the coolest place in all of a galaxy far, far away is actually a bar (Sure, like any of us were confused by that "cantina" thing). I mean, look at some of the lessons that the original Star Wars trilogy teaches:

Violence does, in fact, solve all your problems. Sitting down and dealing with conflict resolution calmly wasn't a concept that the 1970s/1980s George Lucas believed in, clearly. And, when the alternative involved blowing up lots of people on a planet, blowing up lots of other people on a space station, cutting off each others' hands or just plain shooting them with your blasters, who could blame him?

Good guys lie, bad guys tell the truth. What's Obi Wan Kenobi's most famous line in the entire series of movies? "These aren't the droids you're looking for." And what's Darth Vader's? "Luke. I am your father." Do you see where I'm going with this? The good guys lie all the time in the original trilogy; Han telling the stormtroopers that everything's okay in the cellblock, Leia going undercover as a bounty hunter to try and rescue Han later, everyone who kept Luke and Leia's true identities from them. In comparison, the bad guys tend to... well, be pretty straightforward and honest, if evil. Conclusion: Only villains tell the truth.

As long as you say sorry in the end, you can do whatever you want. That bit at the end of Return Of The Jedi, where the ghost of Anakin Skywalker (either old or young, depending on your taste for the special editions) joins the ghosts of Obi Wan and Yoda, and they're all "Hey, good to see you"? What the hell is that all about? Does tossing the electric Emperor into an endless pit really make up for all the killing, terrorising and other bad shit that he's done in his life, and guarantee a spot in the special Jedi afterlife? Where's the "with great power comes great responsibility" part of the story? Where does he actually, you know, face up to his actions, instead of get all "tragic hero"ed away?

There are more problems with what the series teaches us - "Girls are generally useless apart from as prisoners and eye candy," for example, or "It's okay for fat guys to be called Porkins" - and it's almost enough to make you wonder if part of the reason that The Phantom Menace seemed so dull when it first appeared was because of some cosmic karmic pact that meant that George had to try and be more morally responsible second time around. And if that's the case, does the relative sterility of The Clone Wars mean that we're headed back for more socially irresponsible fun when the live-action series finally hits our screens? We can but hope.

(* - And Other Nations Across The Globe)

Star Wars Miniatures is a tactical tabletop game that lets you build your own squad of fighters to pit against your opponent. You can mix and match eras or even factions, so feel free to have a Mandalorian Captain lead an army of Ewoks into battle against a Jedi Knight and ten storm troopers.

Vader. Did I mention that he's a bad-ass? He's here to rip up your Jedis. And he's probably going to chuck a light saber at your head.

Yeah, it's a Gungan. Every army needs cannon fodder.

Nothing ruins a party faster than a Mandalorian lobbing a grenade into the crowd. Except maybe a group of Mandalorians attacking everyone twice.

I don't see any Mandalorian Commandos here.

I would say that the name says it all, but these things aren't named "Big Ugly Lizard Creatures That Can Bite Your Arm Off."

Stay tuned for more Star Wars gaming news - next week we'll have an early look at the Knights of the Old Republic Campaign Guide for the Star Wars RPG. Images by: Wizards of the Coast.

These detourned versions of Sideshow's Oversize Darth Vader figure are just two of many on show at the con (including an MC Vader, complete with turntable). Admit it; if The Clone Wars had characters that looked like this, you'd all be much more excited about tuning in when it premieres this fall.

[Sideshow Collectables]

Displaying why he truly is the biggest baddie, Vader first takes on a son-like Secret Apprentice, then tries to kill the Apprentice's girlfriend, disowns him by throwing him against a wall when caught by the Emperor, then goes after him himself. All this abuse can only end with the SA turning to the good side — sigh, he was sexier when he was murdering anyone who laid eyes on him. But aside from the mushy love stuff, check out that action. The SA splits an AT-AT in half, and throws his light saber through multiple trees and impales a Wookiee. And finally we get a glimpse of the inevitable show-down between Vader and his SA. Even if this game fails, the crazy Force action and cool story should make it worth watching.
[EW via Kokatu]

Darth Vader

Godzilla

The Daleks

Skeletor

Megatron

The Borg

Thanks to Lauren Davis for life-saving research help.

[Worth Playing and Game Riot]

Called GalacticBinder, the new guide lists fan sites for George Lucas’ cinematic empire in categories ranging from basic “Reference” to “Local Fan Societies," in case you get the urge to pull a low-rent Darth Vader any time soon. There’s even a monthly giveaway to entice visitors to come back to the site; this month, one lucky winner will receive a 7 inch bust of Chewbacca wearing breathing apparatus and looking slightly crosseyed that’s - you guessed it - not available in stores. Because, let's face it: nothing says “I frequent some interesting websites” like a large Mynock Hunt Chewbacca paperweight.

GalacticBinder aims to fulfill the claim of being “the Ultimate Star Wars Directory” by not only overwhelming people with the sheer choice of useful, weird and downright unsettling websites inspired by a common theme, but also by letting fans suggest new listings and even going to so far as to befriend people on MySpace. It's apparently a method that's working, with over 1000 sites currently listed in the directory so soon after the site’s launch in March.

The best part about the whole thing? No, I wasn’t joking about the origami. Go and fold your heart out, people.

Chewbacca image above by Darin Overholser — thanks, Bonniegrrl!

GalacticBinder: The Ultimate Star Wars Directory

You may remember Barney Jones, the 27-year-old Welsh hairdresser who was attacked by a man yelling "Darth Vader" over and over again. Well, now that his attacker has been given a suspended prison term for the assault, the stress of the whole affair has driven him from the religion:

The church has 30 members locally and the "faith" has thousands of supporters worldwide. But Barney's brother Daniel, 21, who helped found the British branch, said he was now "detached" from it. He said : "Barney can't hack it. We are getting mobbed by people in the street but some are poking fun."

Vader victim quits running Jedi church [icWales]