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New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
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lightninglouie
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
I'd love to see Dean Koontz versus Anne Rice in a no-holds barred Cage Match of Egotistical Batshit Lunacy.
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alphanumeric1971
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
Fer all youz haterz out there, try pickin up a copy of "Odd Thomas"!Boo be straight trippin, cuz that shiznits off the hook yo!*

*Sorry, I'll go take my meds now. But really, give The Odd Thomas books a try. they're quite good....

yo.
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

@alphanumeric1971: That pitch totally sold me. I'm off to the nearest Goodwill store to pick up a copy.
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Smeagol92055
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
Recipe for every Dean Koontz book:

1. precocious child that considers itself an alien/mutant

2. smart dog, usually golden retriever.

3. other bullshit.
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

@Smeagol92055: Points 1 and 2 are quite easily achieved and are laudable. Point 3, however, seems to be the part where the true Koontz essence, the Koontzence, if you will, comes through.
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Smeagol92055
04/20/09

@crashedpc: Koontzence: The true essence of terrible writing.

Couldn't be worse that Cumming.
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

@Smeagol92055: Actually, I would argue that many things can be worse than cu- OH.

"Koontzence, the new fragrance from Dean Koontz: Now comes in convenient shake before using bottle."
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ManchuCandidate
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
Is Dean also going to write about being terrorized by a martini drinking talking white dog that drives a pickup truck?

It's one thing to deal with critics, but it sounds more like that Dean's skin is a little too thin to deal with a world full of knives.
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Rasselas
04/20/09

@ManchuCandidate: +1
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Grey_Area
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
Horror author/actor Michael Boatman topped this in last year's the Revenant Road. In it Obadiah Grunge, best-selling author and monster-hunter, is chased by an army of homicidal book critics. Boatman isn't as "great" a writer as Koontz, *snorfle!* but splatterpunk fans will certainly get a kick out of his work.

The scene where a knife-wielding critic runs across Times Square at Grunge screaming, "DIEEEEE!" is hysterical.
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
So basically the critic is the self-appointed leader of my debate team back in high school. Dickface.
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steampoweredboy
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
You'd think all those piles of money would soothe Koontz's furrowed brow.
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

@steampoweredboy: "Madam, a moist towellete with which to wipe your brow, and a mint julep to calm your nerves."
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Alexis
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
Remember Lady in the Water? The evil critic got mauled. If a student did this in a writing class they'd get chewed out like no other. What is Koontz/Shyamalan's excuse?

I also (loosely) remember the prize quote from the film "How can any individual begin to judge another person's work?"

Ugh.
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Andrew James Gordon
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
If I had to read a Dean Koontz book, I'd probably go insane too.

ba-zing!
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OW-Holmes:Bringer of Fear
04/20/09

@Andrew James Gordon: Hey, I used to like Dean Koontz.

When I was 9.
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Smeagol92055
04/20/09

@Andrew James Gordon: Can you ba-zing yourself?
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

@Smeagol92055: Illegal in 24 states.
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Mathmos
04/20/09

In reply to New Dean Koontz Novel Proves Book Critics Are Evil
So, who on the io9 staff should review this book? Is Charlie Jane volunteering?
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Grey_Area
04/20/09

@Mathmos: I'd do it but I have a couple of authors tied up in my basement right now. I have to wait for the new band saw and make sure they don't escape.
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

@Grey_Area: Dibs on the giblets!
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Smeagol92055
04/20/09

@Mathmos: I already did Battlefield Earth and part of Marienbad, My Love. You're not gettin' me the same way three times!
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

@Smeagol92055: Ohohohoho, I remember Marienbad, My Love. How were the first 10000 pages of copy-pasted drivel?
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crashedpc - Haifisch
04/20/09

@Smeagol92055: I'll give you a macaroon if you read Relentless.
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Heresiarch
02/23/09

In reply to Why Can't Your Favorite SF Author Write Faster?
So...the article is about our favorite authors, but then you use a cover from a Dean Koontz book?

I'm a little confused.
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Charlie Jane Anders
02/23/09

@Heresiarch: The Koontz book is because he's an example of a super-prolific author...
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Brendan K Babaian
02/23/09

In reply to Why Can't Your Favorite SF Author Write Faster?
Yeah but GRRM needs an editor to trim off a couple hundred pages of story to tighten his books up. You don't need to write about practically every mile of a characters journey. I enjoy his books but they could be edited down a bit.

Also need an editor to pull a Douglas Adams, past your deadline; then you're getting locked up in a hotel room until you finish your badly overdue book.
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Ed Grabianowski
02/23/09

@Brendan K Babaian: With GRRM, like with Tolkien, I relish every mile.
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Slothrop
02/23/09

In reply to Why Can't Your Favorite SF Author Write Faster?
My joy at a new Pynchon has been tempered a bit by Against the Day. But I have hope for Inherent Vice, despite it's awful looking cover art.

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Grey_Area
02/23/09

@Slothrop: I've heard a lot of less than favorable things about Against the Day. I should continue to not read it, then?
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Slothrop
02/23/09

@Grey_Area:

As much as I love V., Lot 49, Gravity's, and Mason & Dixon, I have yet to push past page 250 in Against the Day. On three separate attempts, it just gets to be little reward, huge effort. I do like the Chums of Chance, but the rest just leaves me cold. And Inherent Vice sounds like Vineland 2.0. yikes.
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Lassus
02/23/09

@Grey_Area: Personally, I think it's a masterpiece. A lot of people find Mason & Dixon warmer and more humanistic, but I had nothing but great feelings about reading this one from beginning to end.

If I may, when you've heard a lot of less-than-favorable things about it, what sort of things are they? Metacritic gives it 68 out of 100 from Press reviews, 9.1 out of 10 for user reviews, and Amazon has it sitting at 4.5+ out of 5 stars.

This is the first I've checked the reviews, really, I bought it in hardcover right out of the gate, and I just loved it. Maybe the ground it covers and that I was traveling long distances at the time? I think it's a complicated book, but the few poor things I've heard (sprawling, pretentious) just didn't happen for me.
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Grey_Area
02/23/09

@Lassus: @Lassus: I was talking to an admittedly small sample of people face to face, so no rating system. Two didn't finish the book and out of the three who did only one was enthusiastic about it (a big zeppelin fan). Everyone else felt it was rather cold. All five felt Mason & Dixon was superior, I've read that twice. I think I'll put off Against the Day a little longer.

@Slothrop: Vineland 2.0? Yeah, ouch.
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Lassus
02/23/09

@Grey_Area: As we sabermetricians would shout: SAMPLE SIZE! ;-)

I loved Lot 49, and Against the Day, liked Mason & Dixon, and pretty much blocked Vineland out. I haven't tried V or Gravity's Rainbow yet.
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Grey_Area
02/23/09

@Lassus: "Sample size", got it. Thanks.

Loved V, I will read Gravity's Rainbow before I die, can't promise that of Ulyssess.
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Sproing
02/23/09

In reply to Why Can't Your Favorite SF Author Write Faster?
Robert Jordan's output sure has slowed down lately.

Oh ...
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KhaiJB
02/23/09

In reply to Why Can't Your Favorite SF Author Write Faster?
right now I wish Pterry Pratchett could write faster :(
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Grey_Area
02/23/09

@KhaiJB: Sir Terry already produces about as many consistently fine books as any humanly possible. I haven't read Nation yet but the reviews are positive. He'll return to the Discworld with Unseen Academicals coming out Octoberish and is said to be working on I shall Wear Midnight (the 4th Tiffany Aching Novel), Raising Taxes (the possible 3rd Moist von Lipwig novel), and Scouting for Trolls. That's over 40 Discworld-related books. And they do not suffer from re-reading.

Considering his current battle against Alzheimer's, this is an impressive output. Heroic, even.
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KhaiJB
02/23/09

@Grey_Area: tis the alzhiemers I mean... I wish he could write faster to get all the stories he wants to tell us onto paper...
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Grey_Area
02/23/09

@KhaiJB: If you're going to get Alzheimer's, apparently this form is the one to get. It was detected early and he's not even sixty. Plenty of juice in the tank and a long road ahead of him.
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