Here's the full promo:

So where did we leave off? Oh right Sookie was screaming, Bill's going to sex-kill Maryann, and Sam is taking care of wild children. Might as well start from the assumed beginning.

Bill walks into Sam's bar and tells Sammy boy what's up. You may be able to change into a flying puppy person but I'm a f-ing vampire now get up and help me save my lady, because while I was playing the world's most boring game of vampire yahtzee, she managed to get herself kidnapped, which is usually what happens with her when I'm not around. Here is my, "I'm serious face."

Sam says No Way, but then remembers he's a giant push over so you know he will end up with Bill begrudgingly headed to Maryann's meat house as a swap sacrifice. And from the looks of it, he does, Bill at his back telling Maryann he's got her puppy. Then she makes an approving claw hand.

Meanwhile Eric is getting tuned on...because fangs are vampire *cough cough* well you know.

Eric is feeling frisky because the Queen Vampire of Louisiana is making sexy mouth movements on his face and then, after countless hours of fanged dry humping, they move to New Orleans together, or so say the tabloids. The two of them live happily ever after with messy sex hair feeding off the blood from ladies' upper leg parts, making it look like they are doing something way sexier but in reality they're just drinking blood. So that's nice for them.

Back in Bon Temps, Andy and Jason get ready to fight the crazy Maryann, but not before Jason accidentally shoots a baby bird with his gun and cries about it.

Andy takes Jason aside and reassures them that the bird went to heaven, and they change clothes and suit up for battle. Seriously that whole earlier scene is such a set up. But who cares it's Andy and Jason versus the world with their nifty stocking caps and casts. I love seeing Andy being paired up with Sam and Jason lately, and I'm happy to see it continued on in the finale.

Even if it doesn't go well. Since Jason presumably gets kidnapped and Andy gets rudely pushed to the ground by Maryann's black eyed minions.

All the naked crazy people are now in clothed in bridal white, including Sookie and Terry. After showing off her light finger power, she's most likely Maryann's new sacrifice - hence Sam and Bill teaming up.

Jason and Andy are kidnapped, the minion Maryann and Sookie are all wearing white, ann And Tara is almost showing full frontal but never actually going totally naked. Because while all the other lady characters have gotten naked Tara has managed to eek out just shoulders and silhouettes thus far, which is kind of BS.

But anyways the entire cast is moved to the front lawn of Sookie's house, where Sook tells them all this is so much worse than the time she almost got raped, again, just so you know it's been a hard week on her. Sam and Bill show up with a switcheroo deal for the troublemaking Maryann. And Bill says, "MARYANN I'll SWAP you one cocoon SUUKIE for this HERE-RAH puppy transformer-ah." Maryann takes the deal and throws in something extra, she tells Eggs to take off his shirt and stab himself because we're all tired of his character anyways. So he does...

Let's go ahead and assume that a much more important character other than Eggs also gets severely wounded, like Sam, or even dead because Sookie is really torn up about something in the end... And I can't imagine anyone being upset about a cracked Egg.

Still, I'm not getting the feeling that Sam is dead, especially with these pictures below, but they could be from a flash back so hey what do I know? Maybe Sam gets stabbed and Eggs gets dead, or that's just wishful thinking. Also don't think I've forgotten about my little Jessica! This exceedingly blurry pic leads me to believe that Jessica eats some poor trucker. Remember she was really hungry and all but dumped in the last episode. Time for some splurging I say.

So Jessica gets her fix, and Eggs dies... if we keep saying it maybe it will come true! Some way or another Vampire Bill out-clevers Maryann, because that's what he does, saves Sookie, and it's business as usual in Bon Temps. Charlaine Harris comes in and orders a Tru Blood because she's a vampire doncha know and Sam asks her if he can start wearing shirts less tight on his biceps. She says no.

And Vampire Bill and Sookie throw a big "Eggs Is Dead" party and dance and laugh, have blood sex, and laugh and dance and we all do the same.

We've got Terminator shirts with silvery writing on the front, military style hats, light-up red glowy bracelets, and Terminator eye window-clings, and Terminator flashlights that throw cool LED logos of the show into dark areas.

Simply submit your caption in the comments below, and you're officially entered. Be as long or as brief as you want, but above all try to be funny. Heck, we'd even take a good Firefly or Buffy joke. Just go nuts, folks. The contest will be open until roughly 10:30pm Pacific Time, right after tonight's finale ends on the West Coast. We'll pick a winner at that time and announce it tomorrow. The contest is open to everyone, unless you're living on the moon, and we'll pick up the shipping charges. However, we are not responsible if actual robots from the future start chasing you.

The window clings are massive and aren't pictured in the top photo, but they'll be included. You'll be the envy of all your friends, or you can just open your own Terminator merchandise store. The future is not yet written.

• Chloe's power is finally revealed: While we already knew Chloe was a meteor freak with some kind of magical healing tears, it wasn't really shown what she could actually do until this episode. She takes Jimmy's cut finger in her hand and makes the poor little boo-boo go all bye-bye with some sort of weird E.T. light-up hands. Her one tear could bring Lois back from the dead, but it takes a lot of effort just to seal up a one-inch cut? Give us a break.
• Grant Gabriel is a clone of Julian Luthor: We've also knew that Grant Gabriel was Lex's long-dead brother Julian for a few episodes, last Thursday was the first time it was revealed that he was actually a clone of Lex's brother, who died when he was 12 years old. Lex has been playing around in the cloning toybox and trying to bring his brother back. The first effort resulted in a clone who aged prematurely, but he seems to have it fine-tuned now. However, everyone seems to have forgotten about Lucas Luthor, Lex's other younger brother who he had hidden away several seasons ago. Counting last night's old clone, Julian, and Lucas, that gives Lex quite a family reunion to come home to. Of course, he put a bullet into old clone's chest, which will make it a bit awkward at future family meetings.
• Brainiac is on the way back: The last time we saw Milton Fine / Brainiac, he was reduced to a tiny bit of goo living in a glass vial. Last night Chloe told Clark that the fluid was evolving and getting smarter each time it tried to escape. It's liquid with a memory and a mission, but how the hell does Chloe come by this stuff? She can translate Kryptonian, hack military firewalls, and score top-secret lab reports. Too bad her talents are wasted in the basement of the Daily Planet. She could be a one-woman Geraldo.
• Clark is actually Bizarro: Clark returns from a two-week visit to the Fortress of Solitude and everything seems to be just hunky dory with the Young Adult of Steel. That is, until he hugs Lana near the end of the episode and we his shift turn angular and crystalline for the briefest of seconds, meaning he's the Bizarro version of Clark. Then we see what we imagine is the real Clark, trapped inside some kind of glass chamber back in the Fortress that looks like the device that took Supey's powers away in Superman II. So why the hell is Bizarro acting so nice and hugging folks? We'll have to wait until next year to find out.

• We were going to add "Clark finally flies!" to this list, but it turned out to be Bizarro-Clark shooting up that stairwell like a comet, so we'll still have to wait to see him take to the skies. At which point the show should instantly be canceled for violating its "No flights, no tights" rule. Then again, they should have put the brakes on this show back when it started to suck. Four seasons ago.