Woolsey was promoted to Commander after they axed Samantha Carter at Stargate Atlantis. Check out his new digs in the gallery.

Some help from Sentient Development.

The new series is written by former employee of the Weinstein Brothers' Dimension Films company, Brendan Deneen, with art by newcomer Paul Green, and is setting its aims... uncertainly, as Deneen explains:

While remaining true to the spirit of Alex Raymond's incredible creations, I'm looking to craft a story and world where our unsuspecting heroes come face-to-face with unimaginable threats and breathtaking landscapes (aided in no small part by Paul Green's amazing artwork). At the same time, the civil war on Mongo, and Ming's certainty that he is doing what's right for the 'insurgents' battling him, will ring true to anyone who's been paying attention to world events over the last five or so years.

Has anyone really been waiting for a "Ming The Merciless is really Saddam Hussein" moment? Does this mean that we're going to discover that Mongo really didn't have any weapons of mass-hawkman destruction after all? Is Prince Baron really a stand-in for Barack Obama? The answers to potentially some of those questions await you when the book launches in August.

Flash Gordon #1 Preview [Newsarama]

You can see why the concept behind the character excites people: "Sports hero (Originally a polo player, although for obvious reasons that changed to football player in almost every successive incarnation) and plucky reporter love interest team up with wacky scientist to save the world from alien invasion" sounds like the one of the greatest ideas in the history of storytelling if it's done well. The only problem is that it's never been done that well - Even the '80s version is remembered more for it's (admittedly awesome) soundtrack than anything to do with the script, acting or overall quality of the movie. Although, really, it has some great dialogue.

The potential new movie version already has a producer and director attached. Don't get too optimistic, though; it's Matthew McConaghey vehicle Sahara's Breck Eisner who wants to be the man behind the camera on this latest version. (Wannabe producer Neal Moritz has slightly better credibility, having produced The Fast and The Furious, I Know What You Did Last Summer and, most importantly, Greg The Bunny. Hey, I said slightly better, okay?). No writers are currently attached to the project, but expect the by-now-traditional Frank Miller rumors to start momentarily.

Sony wins Flash Gordon bidding war [Variety]

Here are five orgasm weapons you'll want to stick in your holster.

The orgasm gun from Orgazmo delivers orgasm from a distance via a cheesy "raygun" special effect and can be used to stop bad guys (or give unsuspecting girls a zap). Orgazmo, made by South Park guys Trey Parker and Matt Stone, is a scifi comedy about Mormons, pornography, and this strange device. Can a nice Mormon boy who accidentally becomes a porn star save the world with his orgasm gun? You'll have to rent this flick to find out.

In Larry Niven's "known space" books, he introduces the Tasp — a weapon that delivers intense zaps of pleasure right to your brain. It can be used to incapacitate enemies, who are left writhing on the ground in ecstasy. Or it can be used to slowly train somebody you want to enslave, by giving them pleasurable rewards each time they obey you. Eventually, they'll get addicted to your Tasp and do anything to get another jolt. This is a major plot point in Niven's Ringworld, where the Puppeteer alien has a Tasp installed in one of his heads and uses it to control the other creatures who venture to the Dyson Ring with him.

Ming's ring in the 1980 Flash Gordon movie seems to have some kind of orgasm-inducing, mind-controlling power. As you can see in this video we posted of Ming controlling Dale with the ring, falling under its glowing ray results in writhing and solo dirty dancing moves. Could be good at parties. Or in the throne rooms of Emperors who make speeches about "pathetic Earthlings." Either way.

And although sex ninjas aren't exactly scifi, there is simply no cause to leave out the importance of orgasm weapons in the anime miniseries La Blue Girl. It's the simple tale of rival ninja clans who fight with sex instead of swords. The first person to have an orgasm loses, and often becomes enslaved to the ninja who gives the orgasm. Plus monsters can play too, which makes it even harder to resist those orgasms. After all, a monster can have an infinite number of pleasure-inducing tentacles as you can see here.

There's a really messed-up orgasm electrode in Robin Cook's cheesy medical thriller Brain, about some scurrilous doctors who create a brain-based computer by using the brains of hapless co-eds. In one scene, our hero finds out about the brain experiments, and discovers the secret of using women's brains. The bad guys have their unlucky vicitms half-dissected but still alive, suspended in cerebro-spinal fluid, their brains exposed and their bodies (inexplicably) still attached. (Also, unexplained is why they need only ladies, other than that it's way sexier.) They've implanted electrodes in the women's pleasure centers to get them to perform computer work in their heads. "When we stimulate her, she has the sensation of 100 orgasms," the evil doctor tells our hero. "It must be sensational because she wants it constantly." I love that this doctor knows exactly what 100 orgasms would feel like, as if "orgasm" is a unit of pleasure measurement.

And just to remind you that the reality of these devices is closer than you might think, don't forget that surgeon Stuart Meloy invented a spinal implant several years ago that gives women orgasms. He's patented it, and is in the process of doing tests to turn it into a consumer device.

1. Space Oddity by David Bowie. The ultimate science fiction ballad. If only the bar let you wave a lighter around.
Singing ability required: Moderate. You just need to be able to intone "Ground control to Major Tom" in a sort of monotone, count down from five, and then wave your beer bottle over your head to the rousing chorus.

2. Rocket Man by Elton John. The other ultimate science fiction ballad, and pretty much a rip-off of the Bowie song, only cheesier.
Singing ability required: High. Unless you decide to do a cover version of the famous Shatner rendition, in which case you need absolutely no vocal chops whatsoever.

3. Rapture by Blondie. Mostly for the rap about the Man from Mars. Who knows what the other part of the song is about anyway?
Singing ability required: High. But here's what you do. Either you find your cute friend who can actually sing to do the singing part, OR you cover the Go Home Productions mash-up of "Rapture" with "Riders On The Storm" by the Doors. (You can find this mash-up online pretty easily, I think, and it still includes the Blondie rap.) But this is the crucial part: memorize the rap. You don't have to be Kanye West to pull it off, but you do have to have it memorized, especially if you're already sorta drunk. Promise me you'll memorize it in advance, so you don't embarrass me too much. Or else, don't tell anybody I told you to do this.

4. 1999 by Prince. It's sort of an apocalyptic party song, about nuclear war or something. And on the album, it starts out with that robot that only wants you to have some fun.
Singing ability required: Fairly high. This is the one you drag all your friends up there to help you sing. Bonus points if you actually work out in advance which one of you will be Dez Dickerson (bass) and which one will be Lisa (alto).

5. She Blinded Me With Science by Thomas Dolby. It's pretty much the classic mad-scientist boogie number, from one of the most scifi-ish singers of all time.
Singing ability required: Moderate. If everybody is really really drunk, you can just sort of chant the lyrics and then put everything you've got into screaming "She blinded me! With! Science!" when appropriate. Or if that's too hard, just do the screaming part.

6. Anything by They Might Be Giants. Especially if they've got "Particle Man." They're sure to have that Istanbul/Constantinople song, which isn't really scifi, but TMBG has instant scifi cred anyway.
Singing ability: Fairly high, but you can bluff your way through it if you at least remember the lyrics.

7. Flash Gordon by Queen. Or, in a pinch, Another One Bites The Dust, which is sort of post-apocalyptic sounding. Do NOT try to sing Bohemian Rhapsody. It's not science fictional, for one thing, and your friends will disown you. You're not as funny as Wayne and Garth. Trust me.
Singing ability required: High. Sorry. It's Freddy Mercury.

8. Atomic Dog by George Clinton. Why is the dog atomic? Was there some kind of nuclear disaster, or bizarre scientific mishap? (Hint: Clinton also made the awesome Dope Dogs album, all about weird drug-related experiments on puppies.) Whatever the reason, this dog is probably chasing the cat using a jetpack or something. In an ideal universe, your karaoke bar would have "Unfunky UFO" or "Mothership Connection" or "Dr. Funkenstein." But we both know that's not going to happen.
Singing ability required: Pretty high, but you can pretty much just chant your way through it. If you can master the "bow-wow-wow-yippie-yi-yippie-yay" part, you're home free. This is another song you can bring your friends up for, and just have a dance party.

9. Styx, Mr. Roboto. Well, duh. His brain is IBM.
Singing ability required: I'd say moderate. Annalee just did an impromptu performance of it for me. If you put a lot of energy and emotion into "I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control," and "Secret secret I've got a secret," you're home free.

10. Anything by Daft Punk, especially Technologic. It's pretty much all weird robots or creepy cyber-voices chanting about how they're going to fix everything.
Singing ability required: Not that much, really. Just chant and sound as robotic as you can. But work out a dance routine with a couple of your friends.

Over-exposure. We've seen way, way too much of Bob the Company stooge on Heroes. But there are even worse examples. The Master on classic Doctor Who comes to mind: He appeared in one story and was awesome. So why not have him appear in every story after that? Always hatching one daft scheme after another, always not quite managing to kill the Doctor. And then in the 1980s, the show had Anthony Ainley on contract to play the Master twice a year, like clockwork.

Draggy, saggy storylines. Sylar has many powers, but the power to hold our attention while he seduces the inky-eye woman isn't one of them. It took him like twenty hours to get to first base with her. This is more often a problem in comic books, where storylines get moved around. Kurt Busiek wrote a storyline where the Atlantean time traveler Arion comes forward in time to torment Superman, because he believes Superman will ruin the Earth. This storyline was supposed to last eight months, but lagged because of delays in other things and cross-overs with other titles. Busiek had to keep putting off the resolution to the Arion storyline, until it lasted more like sixteen months.

The villain can't kill the hero, because... It's bad enough when the villain tries to kill the hero over and over, and never succeeds. But it's horrendous when the villain makes a speech about how he/she can't kill the hero because the hero must first fulfill some purpose, or because the hero may know something, blah blah blah... It becomes a crutch for lazy writers.

Middle managers. The Holy Grail of villainy is a character who's complex and misunderstood, and has a believable point of view. Plus if you've ever had a crappy office job, it's tempting to make your villain the reincarnation of your annoying boss. But this can lead to bad guys like Bob, who really just ought to be fixing photocopier paper jams. Or Ming the Micromanager, over in Flash Gordon.

Turning them into quasi-good guys. The best villain Heroes ever had was Claire's dad, aka Horn-Rimmed Glasses. He was creepy and disturbing, but you could also sense he had a core of decency to him. So of course he had to go and become a Tarnished Good Guy (TM), who still goes over the line occasionally but has a good heart anyway. This is a chronic problem that can, uh, Spike your most interesting baddies.

Everybody's related. So far, Angela Petrelli has been the most boring villain on Heroes, because all she ever does is scold her lazy-bum kids for messing in her business. She actually has the potential to become the show's best baddie, because she's totally cold-blooded and vicious. But we need to see her demonstrating a larger vision than just making her son president or whatever. She should have a monstrous plan, or an agenda, or something other than a note for her kids.

1. More better aliens. This is a cheesy show, and when it embraces its cheesiness via silly alien culture, Flash is at its best. Some of the best episodes delved into the goofy/fun alien groups on Mongo, like the Hawkmen who fly using their magical Gwar capes. And who didn't love the Frigia episode with the ice worm and crazy blue ice ladies? The costumes on this show have always been one of its best features, and more aliens = more costumes = more fun for us, the audience.

2. More Baylin. Not only is Baylin fun to watch, but she's a great character: an assassin with a troubled past who acts a little dorktastic on Earth (she doesn't know the local customs, OK?) but is the gang's fearless leader on Mongo. She's kind of like Xena, and we love that. Give her more back story, let her get her Xena on, and for godssake give her more screen time than the lackluster Dale.

3. Make Aura the ruler of Mongo. The petulant Deviate brother subplot is annoying and dull. OK, so he's a poor wittle outcast. OK, so he's some kind of revolutionary leader. And now, as we were shown ever-so-unsubtly in Friday's finale, he's going to be just as authoritarian a leader as Ming. Aura needs to get tough, slit that fucker's throat, and really become a girl that daddy can be proud of.

4. Total Ming makeover. Seriously, folks, the whole Ming the Micromanager thing was a bad idea. We love the campy, bizarro, sparkly-eyeshadow, long-nailed, moustachioed, flowing cape Ming. That is the WHOLE FREAKING POINT of Ming. It makes him both evil and amusing to watch. I'm not saying turn him back into the crappy Asian stereotype Ming of the 1930s. But now that he's hanging out with the hot savage green queen chick, it's your chance to believably change his whole wardrobe and give him a new look. He should get some crazy clothes and a wild look. Maybe he can even start exhibiting some Deviate mutations. And let John Ralston, that poor actor who plays Ming, do something other than pursed-lip acting. We know he has it in him! Let the dude rip!

5. And hey, how about a little coherent world-building? While we're adding more cool aliens, why not actually flesh out the back story of Mongo itself and all the nearby worlds? We know there was this moment in the past where Mongo-ians were mining one of the moons. Are there other inhabited planets around? Why isn't there any space travel in this show? I'm not asking for bad voiceover explanations, or a moment where somebody says, "Well back in history we did blah blah blah." I'm saying give us an interesting plot arc that has to do with Mongo as a civilization. Or take us outside Mongo to a moon or other planet, so we have some perspective. Make Mongo more interesting, dammit!

Why do so many science fiction characters bust out their dance moves? Is it because they're men and women of action, and they need to get physical? Or is it because rhythm is the last, greatest boundary of science? Whatever the reason, we love scifi dance routines, and these are our favorites.

Buck Rogers in the 25th. Century. There are so many great dance sequences in this series, like the disco skating ambassadors. And Buck teaching Princess Ardala to get down. But the greatest may be this scene from "Space Rockers," where the band plays their glowy instruments and a ton of space-ravers dance around with light-filled ropes. Twiki's robo-dancing is just the icing on the cheesecake.

Galaxina. We already celebrated the awfulness of this movie, but here's another great moment. A gang of mutant bikers have our heroine tied up and helpless. So of course their next move is to swing-dance around her, with elaborate dips and twirls. Because that's just how mutant bikers roll. (Eventually they decide to sacrifice her to Harley Davidson, but swing-dancing comes first.)

Star Trek, "Plato's Stepchildren." Power-mad philosophers need entertainment too. So first they make Kirk and Spock dance a jig together, and then they make Spock do a flamenco number around Kirk's head. Spock's footwork is so nimble and passionate, he had to have a dance double

Doctor Who, "Last Of The Time Lords." The new Master won us over totally when he whirled the super-aged Doctor around to the strains of the Scissor Sisters' "I Can't Decide." Creepy and sexy. How could the Sci Fi Channel have cut this incredible scene out of the episode in the U.S.?

It Came From Beyond. This 1950s-ish stage musical features "Mind Power Dance," a Culture Club-esque dance number about using your telepathic powers to overcome alien invaders, no matter how cheesy their gold capes. Do this dance routine in front of any evil aliens, and they'll tumble for ya.

Flash Gordon, "Infestation." Flash's best friend Nick has been infected with an alien parasite that will kill him if he gets too happy... and he's at a wedding. Oh noes! It's up to Dale Arden to keep Nick depressed while dancing with him. I love that the most scarring thing she can think of to tell him is that he's a terrible dancer. He yells "Stop!" and the audience is yelling right along with him. She does succeed in keeping him alive, but he's apparently eaten by a monster off-camera, because we pretty much never see him again.

The Fifth Element. Ummm... There's a blue opera singer whose voice covers like 28 octaves, doing a zany quasi-belly dance. And meanwhile, Milla Jovovich is kicking the asses of a bunch of Vogon-looking aliens in a very dance-y way. Here's the clip:

Seaquest DSV, "Destination Terminal." Guarding an undersea super-train, Commander Jonathan Ford decides to prove to Lt. Lonnie Henderson that he really does have a "feminine side," by busting out his dance moves.

Monday, there's a new Kyle XY at 9 on ABC Family. A social worker takes an unfortunate interest in Kyle. Here's a clip:

On Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, John Connor gets separated from his mom and Summer Glau's Terminator, and makes an unfortunate discovery about the future. That's on Fox at 9. By coincidence, FX is showing Terminator 3 starting around 7.

Tuesday would be a good night to go out. Or rent some DVDs. Or just read a good book. There's probably at least one Iain M. Banks book you haven't read yet.

Wednesday, Moviemax is showing Aliens at 12:25. And Cinemax has The Astronaut Farmer at 7. I think it's about a guy who grows astronauts, using nutrient baths and genetic engineering. And AMC has Planet of the Apes at 6:30.

Thursday at 8 PM, there's a new Smallville. Chloe "runs afoul" of the Black Canary, who looks like she's trying out for a Pat Benatar video. Here's an unfinished clip:

And then at 9 PM, there's a new Lost. Some strangers show up on the island. Do they have mysterious backstories? Will there be flashbacks, or flash-forwards? You'll just have to tune in and find out. Here's a sneak peek:

Friday has the season finale of Flash Gordon on Sci Fi at 8. Flash is finally coming out to his fellow foolish Earthlings about his visits to Mongo, but will anybody believe him? Will Ming finally cackle, just a little? Come on: you're a little curious, aren't you?

And then there's a new Stargate: Atlantis at 9. McKay, Keller and Carter are trapped in an underground chamber on an alien world, with no apparent means of escape. Here's a promo trailer:

Also, there's a new Masters of Horror on TMC at 8:35. A housewife and her daughter go on the run when a virus turns men into psycho-killers who only target women. This actually sounds sort of cool, but wasn't it also the plot of an Angel episode, minus the virus?

Saturday, there's another new Torchwood on BBC America at 9. (You can read our spoilery recap here.) Also, at 11 PM, Encore has Repo Man.

Sunday, your local PBS station should have a new Nature, detailing the crazy love affair between the horseshoe crab and the red-knot shorebird, which have been giving each other passionate pinches and pecks for 350 million years. Will humans mess up this delicate ecosystem? The suspense is probably killing you.

And the National Geographic channel has a new documentary at 9, Six Degrees That Could Change The World. Narrated by Alec Baldwin, this show explores just how horribly a rise of six degrees Celsius in the world's temperature would affect life on Earth. It also dips into some possible solutions. If you can stand to listen to Alec Baldwin being stentorian and serious for two hours, it sounds like a worthwhile watch. Here's a super scary clip:

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"Ming doesnt have to be asian, but at least let him be bald! for a ming that has hair, is no ming at all:("

"no he doesnt have to be asian but he needs the fu manchu beard/mustache and a skullcap."

"He doesn't need to be bald, but a long beard like the pirate Blackbeard would help. A skullcap would also help and maybe some skull-shaped trinkets in necklaces and bracelets."

Of course, not everyone feels that Mingness is skin deep:

"Ming the Merciless has to be MERCILESS. Killing people because they oppose him, because they stepped on his toes, because they blocked his view of the sun, or maybe because he was just plain bored that day, Everything else is trivial and probably racist. The 30s movie version certainly was."

"I don't give a rip what ethnic background Ming has - although the name does evoke an Asian feel - or how much hair he sports where. baldy46 got it right in that regard - show me someone who kills on a whim and not worry about the consequences, who wants Earth because Earth is there and apparently vulnerable, someone with no morality or humanity about him. The milquetoast accountant on Flush Gordon is about as menacing as my 5-year old grandson. No, on further thought I have to admit my grandson exudes more menace than this guy ever could."

I have to admit, I do think that this Ming...

...is much more menacing than the one at the top of the post. Speaking as a man no stranger to the receding hairline, the idea that baldness makes someone more evil is a distressing one. That said, facial hair? Always a telling sign of badness. Look at history: Attilla The Hun, Hitler, Stalin, Santa Claus. Each one of them more trouble than a truckload of Amy Winehouses.

Ming doesn't have to be Asian [Sci-Fi Forums]

What is it with this show combining various lovely lumps with various rubber monsters? It gives the whole show a classy feeling.

Recapping a Flash episode is delightfully easy because the plots are always mind-bogglingly simple while at the same time remaining unbounded by the laws of narrative structure. In this episode, Flash decides he needs to defeat Ming by pretending to be "the one," the guy of prophesy who defeats Ming. So he goes to one of those skull-faced monks who do a lot of Burning Man-style chanting and they tell him that he has to fulfill the final piece of the prophesy and "warm the cold heart of a queen."

Then Flash is magically transported to Frigia, in a shiny silver suit. So he fights to free the queen from the ice, where she has been frozen in the lair of the ice worm by the evil usurper. He frees her, makes friends with another queen who happens to be roaming around in steampunk gear (the ass-grabber above), and then gets them both to pledge their armies to help him fight Ming.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Dale comes out to her hot journalist girlfriend about having gone to Mongo. There is much agonizing and gazing soulfully at cameras and talking about aliens and danger. And Zarkov does a bunch of funny stuff, including talking to a scientist-hologram who is apparently trapped in evil scientist Rankol's "mind sucker" or "mind eater" or something. I think that may be the same device that makes me watch this show week after week.

Tonight, there's a new Kyle XY at 9 (instead of 8 as usual.) Kyle has girl trouble when Amanda comes home, plus (shockingly) Jessi XX is still being a big jerk. That's on ABC Family.

And there's a rerun of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles at 8 (not 9 as usual.) There's also the State of the Union address, which may have some elements of science fiction.

Tuesday at 8, there's a new Nova. (But your local PBS listings may vary.) It examines the secrets of the Parthenon in Greece, which probably won't include it having been built by aliens.

Wednesday at 9, there's an "enhanced" version of the Lost season three finale on ABC. From what I can gather, it's the same episode, only with text running along the bottom of the screen letting you know facts about the show. It may also help you spot clues you missed earlier.

Also, Moviemax is showing the awesome Slither, starring Nathan Fillion. And the History Channel has a rerun of UFO Files and a couple of MonsterQuest reruns.

Thursday is the return of Lost, and the answers to the questions left hanging at the end of season three... which will inevitably lead to more questions. It's a Chinese puzzle box thing. First, at 8 PM, there's a Lost clip show, basically recapping the first three seasons. Just in case there's someone out there who's never seen Lost but wants to try it — but only if he/she can be brought up to speed in an hour. And then the actual season premier is at 9. Here's what the official TV listing wants you to know about this episode: "The castaways await rescue by the people with whom they have made contact, but are troubled by Charlie's warning about them."

Meanwhile at 8, there's that new Smallville episode. Bizarro is still pretending to be Clark, but not everybody is fooled. And Grant reveals he's a clone of Julian.

Friday at 8, Flash Gordon has the first part of its two-part season finale, "Revolution part 1." There's a prophecy about a guy who can save Mongo. Could it be Flash? Or maybe it's actually Princess Aura, and the people who wrote down the prophecy were sexist tools. Ooh, and the Deviates are finally making their move. And maybe Flash finds his dad?

And then at 9, there's a new Stargate: Atlantis. Sheppard finds out his dad has died and goes back to Earth for the funeral. But there's Replicator trouble back on Earth.

Saturday at 9, there's a new Torchwood on BBC America. (Here's our recap.) Without giving away too much, it's a cleverly disguised metaphor for terrorism, which asks how far we're willing to go to get the truth out of a prisoner. It also asks the crucial question: Why doesn't anybody think Owen is sexy any more?

Sunday's a wasteland, except for a new Weaponology on the Military Channel at 10.

I have followed some of the commentary and it was a bit daunting at the beginning that there were some disappointed viewers out there. We went into that first episode's premiere with very high feelings for the show. We had really enjoyed the cuts and the dailies that were coming to the office, so we went into August with the feeling like, "This is great. We are on the coolest show. We're so happy to be here. It's gonna be so fun to watch this thing grow."

Then we got some pretty hard online reviews from people who were disappointed and we were like, "What happened there?" When I look back at it now with brilliant hindsight which is always 20/20, I can see that part of what happened was that there were stories that we knew were developing over time, therefore we could see the germs of them in those early episodes. People viewing couldn't see where it was going.

Gillian Horvath - Behind the Scenes on Flash Gordon [Pink Raygun.com]

Monday night is, once again, a block of teenage almost-superheroes. At 8 PM on ABC Family, Kyle XY continues the "OMG my hawt female counterpart is outta control!" plot. Except now Jessi is going to Kyle's school and acting extra bratty. Before you know it, she'll be faking a broken neck to freak out the stuck-up head cheerleader or something. Here's the trailer:
Then at 9 PM, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is also about our male hero going to school with his weird female companion. The only difference is, our female Terminator isn't a crazy show-off like Jessi. Or maybe she kind of is, judging from the man-grabbing action in this trailer:
Also on Monday, at 10 PM, is Life After People on the History Channel. It's a porntacular look at how the world would get on without any of us pesky humans cluttering it up. Pretty well, by all accounts.

Tuesday at 9, there's the final episode of time-travel cop show Life On Mars on BBC America. Gene rushes to catch a notorious cop killer. Meanwhile, Morgan promises to Sam that after just "one more job" he can go home to 2006. It's the heart-stopping climax where we find out what's really been happening all this time.

Wednesday night... umm... League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is showing on FX. CMTV has Little Beauties, a child beauty pageant that really ought to be science fictional but isn't. Besides that... I dunno. get out of the house. Go bowling. Does your town still have a bowling alley? They're dying out, you know.

Thursday, the final two episodes of Chuck completed before the strike are airing. But not back-to-back. NBC couldn't possibly be that sensible. Instead, it's a "Chuck sandwich," with a new episode of Celebrity Apprentice smushed between two Chucks at 8 and 10 PM. Does NBC think there's some crossover audience that loves Chuck and is just waiting to discover Celebrity Apprentice? As for the plot of the two episodes... there's an evil spy, and we learn more about why Jayne from Firefly is so mean. (It's because he's Jayne from Firefly, duh.) Here's a trailer:
Also on Thursday at 8, there's a Smallville rerun.

Friday as usual, it's all about the Scifi Channel, the only channel that expects its core demographic to stay home on a Friday night. At 8, there's Flash Gordon, which sounds like a new peak of awesomeness for the series. For starters, the cold region of Mongo is called Frigia. And it has a queen, who I'm guessing wears frosty blue lipstick and a white spangly leotard. Flash has to rescue her, so he can fulfill the final step of the prophecy and become the savior of Mongo. Speaking of which, is anybody else tired of prophecies in science fiction?

And then at 9 PM, there's a new Stargate: Atlantis. Speaking of queens and perilous journeys and stuff, Sheppard and McKay have to escort a young princess on her "rite of passage" so she can become a queen. There's no prophecy, as far as I can tell, but there is a beast. Here's the trailer:
Saturday sees the first episode of Torchwood season two on BBC America at 9 PM. (Here's our spoilery review of the episode, which you can always go back and read after you see it.) A less spoilery description: Captain Jack returns from swanning around with David Tennant, and the crew is all pissy with him for staying away so long. But then they have to work together when Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer arrives through a hole in time, wanting to suck their blood kiss them. And here's another trailer:

Sunday, you're on your own. Unless you take the title of Scott Baio Is 46... And Pregnant literally, which would make it sci-fi-ish.

• Cilian Murphy's Scarecrow will be back in The Dark Knight, and we'll get to meet Barbara Gordon, aka Batgirl. Also, there will be at least one fake Batman, as we reported a while back. The movie also includes Boss Maroni, the crimelord who scars Harvey Dent into becoming Two-Face in the comics. And Harvey's journey is the real backbone of the movie. [IESB, Empire]
• The live-action Dragonball movie is filming in Mexico, and HoyCinema has a set report and some ultra-blurry photos. Nothing too exciting, but you can glimpse some hot-pink costumes and a fight scene being shot. [HoyCinema, via IESB]
• A few new details about Stephen Chow's CJ7 (plus that pic we posted a month ago): Even though Chow's character is a poor laborer, he saves up to send his son to a private school. When the son brings his new alien "pet" to school, chaos ensues. [Slashfilm]
• Tons of people saw Cloverfield last night, so it's going to be pretty easy to find spoilery write-ups. Here's one. And here. And here.
• Everything comes together in the Feb. 2 Flash Gordon: Terek the deviate launches a revolution, Aura confronts Ming about her bloodline, Ming orders Rankol's execution for being a celetroph, and Flash makes a "shocking discovery." Oh and we meet a Queen of Mongo, who probably wears really cute slit skirts. [SpoilerTV]
• The Master Chief will be a "supporting character" in the Halo movie, says a screenwriter. [CHUD]
• If you really want to be the sort of person who reads text-based summaries of movie trailers, here's someone's synopsis of the new Star Trek teaser trailer. [Slashfilm]
• Episode 11 of Torchwood season two will be a super-dark story in which Gwen's old police colleague Andy asks her help in solving a missing-children case. [SyFyPortal]
• Jericho season two will reveal more about Jake's five years in Iraq, including an ugly secret that comes back to haunt him. Also, someone unwelcome comes back (I'm guessing Emily's dad, the bandit who helped Jericho take out New Bern's mortars) and an important person visits the town. Emily learns about an important change that affects America's future, and Eric gets an awesome job offer. [Ask Ausiello]
• Here are those new promo pics for next week's Sarah Connor Chronicles. Sarah begins investigating a possible threat, involving a guy named Andy, while a Dr. Fleming does an experiment for the newly reassembled evil Terminator. [SpoilerTV]

The rest of the episode is taken up with Ming the Miffed using the Imex-reinforced Rift Generator to steal an entire lake from Flash's hometown. Wacky hijinks ensue with the kids all trying to blow up the Rift Generator, discovering there's some gol'durn reason why they can't, and then running around in skimpy outfits until everything is set (sorta) to rights. Plus, Aura's hair is seriously awesome.

The more I watch this show, the more convinced I am that really it should be all about the forbidden love between Aura and Rankol. There could be an intense makeout scene where she plunges her hand into his exposed brain and we see his Secret Segway rolling leg. Oh wait, no.

Tonight: The new Kyle XY episode airs twice, at 8 PM and 9 PM, on ABC Family. Kyle goes home to his adoptive family and decides to tell them the whole truth about his creation. And he starts concocting a plan to defeat the evil Madacorp. Good luck with that.

In tonight's Sarah Connor Chronicles on Fox at 9, Sarah has to deal with some gang members to get fake identities for herself and John. Meanwhile, John sneaks out of the house and tracks down Sarah's hapless ex-fiance (Dean Winters). The episode's title, "Gnothi Seauton," is "Nothing Atone Us" rearranged. Make of that what you will.

Also on Monday, the Sci Fi Channel is having a Star Trek: Enterprise marathon, if you're feeling super-masochistic.

Tuesday night, there's a new (to Americans) episode of the time-travel cop show Life On Mars. A drunken Gene shows up at Sam's house and makes a "shocking confession." That's at 9 PM on BBC America.

Also on Tuesday at 9, the History Channel has a new episode of The Universe. Learn the complete history of dark matter and dark energy, up to now. Probably without actual footage of dark matter at the dawn of time, but you never know.

Wednesday really is sort of a dead zone, but Encore is showing the original Mad Max at 8 PM, maybe without the bizarre dubbed American voices.

Thursday, your only consolation is a Smallville rerun. Plan your Netflix cue accordingly.

Friday, there's a new Flash Gordon at 8, so cancel those evening plans. Flash and the newly sympathetic Princess Aura go on a mission to find the antidote to a new plague that's poisoning the water supply to the Cantons. And there will probably be even more incestuous goo-goo eyes between Aura and her brother Terek.

Also on Friday at 10, there's a new Stargate: Atlantis. A quarantine situation causes a lockdown on Atlantis, and Rodney is trapped in the botany lab with Katie Brown. Characters will bond and work out their relationships while they wait for the lockdown to unlock.

Saturday at 9, the Cartoon Network has two new Naruto episodes back to back. Naruto finally beats the crap out of Sasuke, who acknowledges Naruto's greatness. But then Sasuke gets an upgrade that makes him Naruto's superior. Whatever will Naruto do? (Hint: get his own upgrade.)

Then at 10 PM Saturday, the ever-reliable History Channel has a new MonsterQuest, with the real King Kong. Turns out King Kong's real name is Giganto, and I can see why he changed it.

Also on Saturday at 8, an all-new Alien Abductions: True Confessions on WE. A woman believes she is an alien-human hybrid who spawned an alien baby, and her husband believes they met aboard a spaceship.

Sunday, Flixe has back-to-back Starman and The Man Who Fell To Earth.

Last Friday: Flash Gordon. More stand-alone episodes are on their way. Rankol learns to control where rifts open and steals a whole lake from Earth. And a maniac tries to blow up the citadel on Mongo.
In the can: At least 3 more episodes.

Last Friday: Stargate Atlantis. The battle with the Replicators continues, and we learn more about the Wraiths. A quarantine lockdown traps Atlantis personnel in different parts of the city, and they "have no choice but to bond," says actress Jewel Staite.
In the can: 10 more episodes, the full run.

Jan. 14: Terminator: The Sarah Chronicles. Chances are you've already seen the first episode, which was available on Yahoo recently, and is still posted all over the place online. Summer Glau (Firefly) is the hawt Terminator sent back in time to protect Sarah Connor (Lena Headey from 300) and her son John. They travel forward in time to now-ish and decide to stop Skynet... again. Future episodes will probably have a lot of "trying to blend in" stuff, with John and his Terminator GF going to school together. Oh, and an FBI agent is chasing them too.
In the can: 10 episodes.

Jan. 14: Kyle XY returns with the second half of season two. We find out if the female version of Kyle survived her cliff dive last summer, and we learn more about Adam's past. Kyle finally comes clean with his family about his origins, and his family tries to protect him from Madacorp.
In the can: 10 episodes, which is the complete run of season 2.5.

Jan. 26: Torchwood. The champions of the future (and crazy xenophile sexuality) are back in another batch of this Doctor Who spinoff. Two extra reasons to watch season two: James "Spike" Marsters wearing a cool Adam Ant costume, and the Doctor's companion Martha (Freema Agyeman) in bondage. One cause for concern: this year's episodes will be designed so that special kid-friendly edits will still make a modicum of sense. In other words, the plots won't be all about shagging aliens and time travelers this time around.
In the can: 13 episodes, a full season. And here's a teaser:

Jan. 31: Lost. They finally get off the island! Well, some of them, anyway, and it turns out not to be such a great idea. The boat people who show up to rescue our heroes have some other agenda, and our heroes split up into opposing teams. This mini-season will feature "flash-forwards," showing our heroes in their post-island futures.
In the can: 8 episodes. The producers have gone on record that episode 8 will end with a frustrating cliffhanger that wasn't meant to wait months for a resolution.

Jan. 31: Smallville. Everybody realizes that Clark is really Bizarro. Or maybe that should be "Clark really am not Bizarro." And Brainiac (James Marsters without the Adam Ant duds) has a plan to help Bizarro stay as Clark forever. And Lana actually likes Bizarro better than the real Clark. Meanwhile, another Kryptonian, Dax-Ur, turns out to have a special blue kryptonite ring that lets him stay human.
In the can: 6 episodes, not the full season.

Feb. 12: Jericho, back for a short second season after tons of fan campaigns. The first season started out boring and paternalistic, and then simmered up to a boil by the end. Season two looks like it will be way more intense, with the future of the Allied States at stake. Our idol, Esai Morales, declares the feud between Jericho and New Bern over, and Hawkins finally makes his move against the nuclear conspirators. Sign us up!
In the can: 7 episodes, which was all they had planned anyway. Here's an extended season trailer:

April 1: Battlestar Galactica. Our heroes don't trust the back-from-the-grave Starbuck. And the four newly revealed Cylons don't trust themselves. (There are hints these new Cylons are different from the other human-looking Cylons.) We get to know a new ship, the claustrophobic Demetrius. Starbuck spends a lot of time in the brig, and also has more creepy Cylon encounters.
In the can: 10 episodes, which will end with an annoying cliffhanger. But the SciFi Channel had already considered ending the season there anyway. Here's a trailer:

5. Though all the past versions of Flash Gordon, going back to the 1930s, have had rocket ships and space travel, this Flash Gordon is totally post-Space Age. Flash and his intrepid crew get to planet Mongo via some kind of ill-defined dimensional rift that looks sort of like a bad special effect went splat on the screen.

4. Everything has a silly name. Nobody on this show has made any effort to make the show weighty or stern, like the updated Battlestar Galactica. We still have a main character named Flash, plus planet Mongo, ruled by evil Ming, his leather-dress-wearing pal Rankol, and his daughter Princess Aura. Inhabitants of Mongo include the Hawkmen and the Deviates. Even stranger is that the show retained the names Mongo and Ming, despite their origins in anti-Asian sentiment of the early twentieth century (Ming the Merciless was originally Asiatic looking, and Mongo is a reference to Mongolia) - I guess they figured that if a bland, prissy white dude played Ming that nobody would realize.

3. There are lots of capes. The Hawkmen have these awesome, Gwar-like capes that allow them to fly in a way that is wonderfully inexplicable. Prince Barin has a big leather cape. Who can resist a show where capes are worn with no irony?

2. Rankol, Ming's evil advisor, floats around inside a giant black-leather dress covered in rivets. It's hinted that the reason we never see his feet is that he's actually scooting along on a giant tentacle. Plus, a part of his brain sticks out of his head. And he's got the hots for Princess Aura, which leads to hilarious thoughts of what he'd do with that tentacle given a chance.

1. Princess Aura's outfits and makeup are 1980s-retro sublime. A red swish across her eyes matches the spangly red, see-through Stevie Nicks number she's wearing. Black lace-up boots match the black, see-through ultra-mini sheath she's wearing. Her eyeliner is poignant. Her gold chain belts barely keep the floaty material in check. Sometimes, she has a see-through cape. I wish Aura would kill Flash and become the star of this show.

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• The Wave Motion Gun: In the future world of Starblazers, an old battleship called the Argo (the Yamato in Japan) has been retrofitted as a spaceship, complete with a massive gun mounted inside the prow of the ship called The Wave Motion Gun. It fires a massive blast of laser energy out the front, and was frequently used by the crew to battle foes when they were outmatched. However, it took forever to power the damn thing up, and required flipping a lot of switches and turning a lot of wheels. So, it wasn't exactly something that you could whip out and use at a moment's notice.
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• Princess Ardala's Orbital Super Shotgun: Princess Ardala was about the vampiest villain to roam space in Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, and she wanted to get Buck in her bed more than anything. In the episode "Escape From Wedded Bliss" she sends a giant mega-cannon to orbit the Earth, and threatens to blow up New Chicago if buck won't marry her. It's impervious to fire from starfighters, and can take out entire cities with one blast. Me-ow.
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• The Genesis Device: Captain Kirk and crew had to deal with a very pissed-off Ricardo Montalban in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. He wanted to get his hands on The Genesis Device, which could transform dead planets into thriving gardens of eden. It just happened to have been developed by one of Kirk's ex-girlfriends, and his bastard child. Khan eventually blows it up while trying to kill Kirk, but only succeeds in turning a nebula into a pretty planet that later falls apart and brings Spock back to life. Not bad for a plastic torpedo.
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• Lexx the Spaceship: Lexx was both the name of the show, and a sentient ship that looked like a dragonfly without wings, and it could destroy entire planets and then eat the debris for lunch. If it didn't get to chow down on planetary body for long periods of time it would get pretty cranky. So, they let him destroy and eat fairly often on the show, mostly because the whole firing of the planet-pulverizing weapon was so dramatic and ate up a lot of the show's special effects budget, so they tried to get the most bang for their buck.
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• Ming the Merciless: The ultimate nemesis in Flash Gordon was always the fu-manchued Ming the Merciless, until he got caucasianized in the recent remake on the Sci Fi Channel. Give us back the old Ming who was armed with Death Rays, Zotranillium Missiles, and even deadly finger rings that could wreak havoc on his favorite target, Earth. Nothing says superweapon like a campy actor with all-powerful evil jewelry.
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• The Jump Start the Sun Themonuclear Payload: In Danny Boyle's woefully underrated movie Sunshine that came out this past summer, scientists were on a months-long journey to the sun in order to deliver a massive nuclear payload that was supposed to help reignite our dying sun. It was the size of the Superdome, and made up of ominous black cubes. It it was powerful enough to get the sun going again, just imagine what it could do in the wrong hands.
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• The Death Star: Probably the coolest and most-remembered superweapon in all of science fiction, the Death Star from Star Wars could fly around the galaxy, blow up planets, house an entire fleet of fights and an army. It also probably had some pretty decent recreational facilities as well. While Luke Skywalker blew up the first one, like any good government the Empire decided to build a second one, but it didn't fare so well either. Here's a thought Empire: instead of calling it "The Death Star," why not label it Children's Hospital Good Ship Lollipop? At least that would throw those damn rebels off the trail.
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The Batmobile from Batman Begins. This was the first on-screen version of Batman's muscle car that didn't just look like a cheesy toy car. Instead of the stretched-out roadster of previous movies, director Christopher Nolan opted for a compact, tank-like design. In "attack mode" the driver shifts to the middle of the car, in a more secure prone position. This car doesn't look like it's only designed to impress Kim Basinger.
Top speed: 110 mph, plus jet engine and adjustable control surfaces let it jump 30 feet without a ramp.

The DeLorean from the Back To The Future movies. This car's main superpower is making those movies look incredibly dated. But it also travels in time if you feed it enough plutonium. And after a visit to the year 2015, it also gains the ability to fly, with wheels that turn sideways and become thrusters.
Top speed: A regular DeLorean could reach 124 mph. It needs to reach 88 mph to time-travel.

The flying taxi from The Fifth Element. It looks just like a regular cab, but it can fly. It handles amazingly well, judging from some of the teeny openings Bruce Willis manages to steer it through during the high-speed cop chase. And it can stop on a dime to hide behind billboards.
Top speed: Unclear, but it's fast. The original movie script says: "Korben and his flying taxi are absolute masters of the air. The cops have trouble following him."

The self-folding car from that SciFi Channel ad. Long after people have forgotten Flash Gordon and Tin Man, they'll still be passing around this ad. It looks like a regular pick-up truck, until the driver presses a button. Then it folds up to the size (and weight) of a golf ball.
Top speed: no clue.

The Whomobile on Doctor Who. Stranded on Earth in the early 1970s, the Doctor started dressing like Prince. Except instead of driving a little red Corvette, he pimped out an antique roadster named Bessie to go super fast. Then he built his own spaceship-looking car. With huge honking fins! Because, of course, an alien trapped on Earth has to stay incognito at all costs.
Top speed: 150 mph (in real life), plus the Whomobile can fly (using dodgy greenscreen.)

The Spinner from Blade Runner. Deckard's cop car flies, but also has vertical take-off and landing (VTOL). It uses regular internal combustion, plus antigrav and a jet engine. It also directs air downwards to create lift. And it has a pretty sweet glass cockpit.
Top speed: Deckard mentions a fellow cop was going 150 mph when he went off a cliff.

KITT, from the Knight Rider TV show and TV movies. KITT was a Pontiac Trans AM with a super-computer that could talk to Michael (its driver) and even drive itself. (Plus KITT prints money in one episode, which could be handy.) The new Knight Rider, airing in February, will feature a new KITT that can launch a mini-car drone and fire a rocket launcher
Top speed: 300 mph, plus a "turbo boost" lets you jump over obstacles.

The Lexus from Minority Report. Lexus designed a special flying car for Tom Cruise to zip around the city of 2054 in. The car includes an electric engine, body panels that change color at a voice command, doors and ignition that require a DNA match, and "auto valet."
Top speed: According to Lexus, this car can get up to about 350 mph. We have a winner!

Maya will realize that (duh) Sylar is evil. Nikki has to rescue Monica from that street gang that stole some comic books. (It's a gang thing. They love those obscure Ditko comics for their Ayn Rand messages.) Peter and Nathan finally get reunited, but then they have to deal with that whole "Adam wants to wipe out humanity" thing. Elle has to make some tough decisions. Oh, and a couple of good guys are going to bite it. And Claire will try to blow the whistle on her dad's old company, as you can see in this clip:

Want more spoilers for the episode? These seem like they could be credible.

Tonight's episode of Chuck might also be the last one for a while. NBC still has two more Chuck eps in the can, but it's not clear when they'll air, says Reuters. "Chuck vs. the Crown Vic" doesn't sound particularly climactic: Chuck has to go undercover as Sarah's wife to deal with a "counterfeiting yachtsman with strong political ties." Seeing the downtrodden Chuck confronting evil rich people sounds sort of entertaining in a Veronica Mars-y way.

Also tonight: part two of Tin Man, the Sci-Fi channel's re-noodling of Wizard of Oz. Tin Man
concludes on Tuesday with another two-hour installment. If you don't have a TiVo or some other device that lets you tape two channels at once, don't worry. Sci-Fi will re-run Monday's segment before Tuesday's.

Monday night movies: X2: X-Men United on FX, and Being John Malkovich on IFC.

Tuesday night sees the season finale of Beauty and the Geek, in which a LARPer and a science-fiction fan compete to win the admiration of hawt girls who can tie cherry stems with their tongues. All of the show's teams return, for the maximum concentration of cringe-inducing stereotypes.

Wednesday night movie: The Brother from Another Planet on TMC. If you haven't seen it, you really should check it out. You'll barely notice that Bionic Woman is off.

Thursday's Smallville is a re