Hollywoodscoop, the site that claimed Taylor Swift is the next Supergirl, now claims that Worthington and Reynolds are dying to dye their hair blond and visit planet Mongo.

Here's their summary of the Flash Gordon movie:

The role calls for Flash as a handsome polo player and Yale graduate, who travels to the planet Mongo, where it's discovered that the meteors are weapons devised by Ming the Merciless, evil ruler of Mongo.

First off, Worthington cannot do an American accent. Second Reynolds is already trying to convince the American public that he is, in fact, two separate comic book characters over a stretch of the next few years, Deadpool and Green Lantern. It would be absolute insanity to take on another iconic character, even if he wanted to do it.

So yeah... it's probably another fake rumor.

I actually kind of love the Jason Of Star Command credits, for the whizzy spaceship and the friendly dragon, among other things. But it is pretty cheesetastic and insane. My favorite part: about 40 seconds in, we get a tight closeup of the evil Dragos, looking like Brian Blessed crossed with a Borg, and then it zooms out jerkily to show he's sitting with a bunch of coke-snorting lizards. And then we zip back to the tight closup on Dragos so we can learn his name. Awesome!

But that's not even the worst TV opening credits of all time. We'll save time and put that one first. The absolute weakest theme tune and opening montage almost certainly belongs to...

K-9 And Company:

The first ever Doctor Who spin-off: he's a sassy robot who likes to sing his own name! She's an alcoholic who sits around drinking! Together they, erm... get sloshed and sing off key! Yeah, that's it! Seriously, was everyone involved with this drunk the whole time?

Space Academy

A group of well scrubbed young people learn to harness their amazing abilities, guided by Dr. Smith from Lost In Space. And Peepo! Don't forget Peepo the friendly robot! This one has the best "explaining the show's premise" voiceover.

Flash Gordon

Running running running... And then smiling! Nice teeth! Warrior woman. More running! Gateway in space, and then cue the drum machines, because planets are flying at your head. Zoooom! I like that the planets get drum machines.

Ark II

The voice of Landru narrates about pollution and waste. We're in a post-apocalyptic Winnebago — check out the long lingering shot across its side, to let you know it's a stretch Winnebago. Evil, scary flower of doom! But the best part is the bumper, where the guy carefully says everyone's name into the log, while their faces and names flash on the screen. Subtle!

Pain Killer Jane

There's only one type of pain she can't kill. Can you guess what it is? Anyway, dark gloomy city, then strippers! Then explosions! Then action! Then showering. Then bra! Then more montage, showing that these people shoot each other a lot, but they also smile and nod, and share a beer in their top secret lab. Ooh, back scars!

Mission Magic

Okay, so it's more like fantasy, or maybe urban fantasy, but wow. This is the show that launched Rick Springfield's career, before he was a soap opera actor or a pop singer. The show is all about a young witch named Miss Tickle, but Springfield gets top billing. More importantly, check out the incredible psychedelic cartoon visuals:

Prey

It starts with the most boring lecture in history, full of vague stuff about "okay, so there was an advanced species, and we wiped them out, and then there's another advanced species, and now we're the prey. Except when we're not." Confused yet? Cue montage of spermatazoa and monkeys, with words like "EVOLUTION" and "SELECTION" wibbling onto the screen. Now it all makes sense!

UFO

If we end up doing a list of the best opening credits as well, this will most certainly be in there. It's easily among both the best and worst TV show openings I've ever seen. The weird typewriter exposition! The men hugging themselves and breathing deeply! The purple wigs and crazy cars! It's all just so great! And yet, terrible.

Project UFO

This one is sort of the opposite. Where UFO was kicky and jazzy, Project UFO is sort of austere, with the Jack Webb-esque voiceover and the slow, dull scrolling across unidentifiable drawings of spacecraft:

Journeyman:

We grew to love this short-lived show, but its credits were part of why we had misgivings about it in the first place. Random years are flying over the Golden Gate Bridge! Now birds are flying backwards! It's Journeyman, the man with the power to confuse birds!

Fantastic Voyage

This one is pure groove, with the Peter Gunn-esque music, and the echo-y voice reading every single thing on the screen. "CMDF! Combined Miniature Defense Force!" If we're invaded by anything miniature, they'll protect us. Authority: TOP SECRET! HIGHEST CLEARANCE! And then there's Guru, master of mysteroius powers. Yeah. This is the sort of thing that fuels a million Adult Swim shows.

Time Trax

This one makes me sad, because Time Trax holds a special place in my heart. But these credits? So bad.

Electra Woman And Dyna Girl

This is another one that's great but awful — they move so stiffly, jumping out of their flying ship. And yet they're so awesome. They fight tigers! And spiders! With lasers! They shoot Sarah Jane Smith's wine glass, so she'll dry out and stop getting drunk when the Zarbi are attacking. They're hip women of today! And they have lyrics!!

Smallville season five

The posters over at Television Without Pity singled this opening out for particular badness, and it's not hard to see why. The weird dissolve-o people, the choppy montages, the cheesy video effects, it's all just a melange of badness.

Alias season four

Here's another one the TWOPers singled out. I used to love the techno music/deep purple mystery vibe that you got from this show's credits in the first couple of seasons, but this version of the opening credits slides over into ridiculousness, with the cheesy dance music getting too overhyped and the medley of Sidney's wigs getting over the top.

Automan

He's so cute and blue and glowy, and his little glowing bug flies around harrassing women! What's not to love?

SeaQuest DSV

There's a dolphin, and it's flying around the show's logo as if it wants to play, but then it gets tangled up in a net of too many clips from the show on screen at once, and the poor thing ends up mangled and destroyed. This is why we need dolphin-safe opening credits.

Code Name: Eternity

More awesome techno music. My favorite bit is at 0:12, where the hero sort of snaps his forearm up and raises his fist, so it looks like he's dancing, and then a defiant closeup of him smashes into the camera like he's striking a pose. But the whole thing is great — the screen being sliced up into vertical chunks, the sillhouette of a guy standing in front of his own wobbly face, the seasickness-inducing zooms. Rockage!

Dollhouse

I wrestled with including this one, because Dollhouse really is a fantastic show in general, and I hate to criticize any aspect of it. And Jonatha Brooke sang a couple of my favorite songs of all time. But these credits? Not doing the show any favors. Whenever you try to get people to take this show seriously, they watch these credits and start giggling. The "la la la la" sounds unfortunately lobotomized, and Eliza Duskhu's magic power is changing outfits as she walks. Also, "Active Secure" as she does yoga — what? It's like a computer scanner is monitoring her yoga progress. Uh, no.

Logan's Run:

They're torturing the dolphin from the Seaquest DSV credits to make those "Chew! Chew! Chew!" noises.

Star Trek: Enterprise.

Both Deep Space Nine and Voyager had similar opening credits: the treacly instrumental music, the slow montage of spacey scenes, the terrible empty dullness. But at least they felt sort of epic. The Trek behemoth tried to set a change of pace, with this schlocky ballad from Diane Warren, writer of timeless gems by Michael Bolton, Mariah Carey, Chicago, Heart and many others. (Plus "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith.) And they paired it with a totally cheesy video. Result: awesomeness! Here's the revised, boppier version:

The Invisible Man (1970s version)

It's the love boat, except with an invisible David McCallum. The way it zooms out when the effervescent Melinda Fee tosses her dice - like she's throwing the camera - is just special. And then there's just too much excitement, so the screen has to split into four cubes of awesome.

Voyagers!

They're being flung at the camera through space again and again! This may actually be the best example of the "explaining the show's premise in the credits" phenomenon, especially with the lost Osmond brother talking us through the whole "red is for temporal wrongness" thing. Zippee!

Crusade

What is your name? What is your quest? What is the wingspan velocity of an unladen sparrow? If you can answer these questions, you'll love these opening credits:

The Phoenix

He's sort of writhing in ecstasy a lot of the time as he strokes his medallion — either that or staring into the camera with a crazed exuberance, like he wants to stick his tongue through our TV tube and lick our eyeballs. But we're viewing the whole thing through a flaming triangle, so it all holds together surprisingly well.

The Powers Of Mathew Star

He's a space prince! And he plays football. But mostly, we have Louis Gossett Jr. explaining the whole deal, and having Louis Gossett Jr. talking about how special you are is probably actually better than being an alien prince with super powers anyway.

Future Cop

Oh, Ernest Borgnine. He just loves to confuse his African American partner, with the help of his wacky android cop from the future. When Borgnine laughs, it's actually really scary - and that's the signal to launch into the 1970s action disco music. And funny pixelated graphics. Whee!

Time Cop

The greatest movie of all time (well, almost) spawns a really sad set of TV credits, with footage of the time-travel train interspersed with vertical wedges of the same bit of footage three or four times at once - because the time-travel train splits the world into simultaneous chunks of sameness! Don't you get it? People who we don't care about are talking, and all we want to see is someone policing. In time!

Star Cops

Another one that makes me sad - Star Cops is a vastly underrated show, a classic from the pen of Chris Boucher (Doctor Who, Blake's 7) but wow - this theme tune is horrible, sounding like Spandau Ballet had a horrible mishap. And the Earth gets squished and turned into a boot sole... why?

Fantastic Journey

Another one with the screen divided up into squares, this time of different sizes... there's a lady walking, and we zoom in on a cat! The cat looks really bored — I can haz glowy portal? Oh, and Roddy McDowell is an android, or just a flasher.

Dark Angel

"In a broken world, she is haunted by her past..." The worst thing that happened to opening credits in the 1990s was that technique that lets you have five different versions of someone's face blending into a swirly of awful, all at once. This is a particularly bad example of the multi-face overload:

Man From Atlantis

It feels like he's swimming around, half naked, for several minutes before he finally breaks the surface and we go into the traditional montage of people having Personalities.

Earth: The Final Conflict

Aaaaa it's Enya! I stumbled on this one, when I was searching for the season two credits of Andromeda, which have the overly caffeinated voiceover talking about how Dylan Hunt is the guardian of a dead civilization protecting the galaxy from everything. But this is almost as good:

It's a surprisingly good week for books this week, with a lot of unusual projects making their debut at the stores. How unusual?

Well, take Marvel's Lockjaw And The Pet Avengers, for example. It's a book about the superheroes of the animal kingdom, whether they're teleporting dogs, firebreathing dragons or frog versions of Thor. It's one of a number of first issues from the self-styled House of Ideas this week, with the others including Dark Reign: Young Avengers (wherein Doctor Who's Paul Cornell takes on Marvel's answer to the Teen Titans) and GeNext United (continuing Chris Claremont's alternate future tale of the X-Men's children).

But can anything really eclipse what may be Marvel's most eagerly-anticipated hardcover collection? No, not World War Hulk or X-Men: Manifest Destiny (although both are released tomorrow.) I'm talking about Secret Wars II, the seemingly-endless, seemingly-cocaine-fueled 1980s excess of Marvel Comics' then-boss Jim Shooter trying to write a story about the meaning of life. Seriously, if you can spare the $99.99, you owe it to yourself to experience it.

By comparison, DC has little to match up... But that's not to say that The Unwritten (which we previewed yesterday) and a new edition of The History of The DC Universe aren't worth picking up. And Superman: New Krypton Volume 1 catches you up on the current crazy status quo for the character, that sees him abandon Earth in favor of his own race.

Elsewhere, IDW launches a new Angel series, Not Fade Away, for the Whedonites, while also putting out Astro Boy Movie Prequel: Underground for those looking forward to this fall's revival of everyone's favorite atomic Pinocchio.

Similar nostalgia will be found in the Flash Gordon 75th Anniversary Special hardcover from Ardden Entertainment. But I'd rather draw your attention to Boom!'s Unthinkable - which Alyssa reviewed this weekend - and The Unknown, which offers up the start of a story that feels more than a little Fringe-esque in all the right ways, as the world's greatest detective decides to investigate what happens after death, considering she's only six months away from her end.

No matter what you're looking for, chances are you'll find some variation of it in this week's complete list of comics shipping to comic stores, and the Comic Store Locator will help you find where your closest store is, so you'll know just where to find your goodies. Just don't be too embarrassed to ask for that book with the frog God Of Thunder.

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Khoury talked to the true stars of the movie - amongst them, Topol, Brian Blessed and Queen's Brian May, who explained how the classic theme music was created:

So for the title track I wanted to portray the cartoon-like quality that I saw in it… but the ‘soaring guitars’ were just the normal vocabulary of my dreams!

Goddammit, I really want to dream like Brian May now. Blessed is just as helpful in the amazing quote department:

And it [the set] was full of dwarfs and all kinds of people. I love dwarfs. They’re the happiest people in the world. And I loved to chase them around the set and stuff like that. So the whole thing was colossal fun.

Even Topol offers up this helpful recollection:

Yeah, it was a fun movie to do it. And the main thing, I quit smoking on that film. [laughs]

Despite the somewhat scattered nostalgia of those involved, the article is actually remarkably fun and full of information about the movie and just why we never saw a Flash 2. It's still not too late, of course...

Hail Flash Gordon! [Comic Book Resources]

Woolsey was promoted to Commander after they axed Samantha Carter at Stargate Atlantis. Check out his new digs in the gallery.

Some help from Sentient Development.

The new series is written by former employee of the Weinstein Brothers' Dimension Films company, Brendan Deneen, with art by newcomer Paul Green, and is setting its aims... uncertainly, as Deneen explains:

While remaining true to the spirit of Alex Raymond's incredible creations, I'm looking to craft a story and world where our unsuspecting heroes come face-to-face with unimaginable threats and breathtaking landscapes (aided in no small part by Paul Green's amazing artwork). At the same time, the civil war on Mongo, and Ming's certainty that he is doing what's right for the 'insurgents' battling him, will ring true to anyone who's been paying attention to world events over the last five or so years.

Has anyone really been waiting for a "Ming The Merciless is really Saddam Hussein" moment? Does this mean that we're going to discover that Mongo really didn't have any weapons of mass-hawkman destruction after all? Is Prince Baron really a stand-in for Barack Obama? The answers to potentially some of those questions await you when the book launches in August.

Flash Gordon #1 Preview [Newsarama]

You can see why the concept behind the character excites people: "Sports hero (Originally a polo player, although for obvious reasons that changed to football player in almost every successive incarnation) and plucky reporter love interest team up with wacky scientist to save the world from alien invasion" sounds like the one of the greatest ideas in the history of storytelling if it's done well. The only problem is that it's never been done that well - Even the '80s version is remembered more for it's (admittedly awesome) soundtrack than anything to do with the script, acting or overall quality of the movie. Although, really, it has some great dialogue.

The potential new movie version already has a producer and director attached. Don't get too optimistic, though; it's Matthew McConaghey vehicle Sahara's Breck Eisner who wants to be the man behind the camera on this latest version. (Wannabe producer Neal Moritz has slightly better credibility, having produced The Fast and The Furious, I Know What You Did Last Summer and, most importantly, Greg The Bunny. Hey, I said slightly better, okay?). No writers are currently attached to the project, but expect the by-now-traditional Frank Miller rumors to start momentarily.

Sony wins Flash Gordon bidding war [Variety]

Here are five orgasm weapons you'll want to stick in your holster.

The orgasm gun from Orgazmo delivers orgasm from a distance via a cheesy "raygun" special effect and can be used to stop bad guys (or give unsuspecting girls a zap). Orgazmo, made by South Park guys Trey Parker and Matt Stone, is a scifi comedy about Mormons, pornography, and this strange device. Can a nice Mormon boy who accidentally becomes a porn star save the world with his orgasm gun? You'll have to rent this flick to find out.

In Larry Niven's "known space" books, he introduces the Tasp — a weapon that delivers intense zaps of pleasure right to your brain. It can be used to incapacitate enemies, who are left writhing on the ground in ecstasy. Or it can be used to slowly train somebody you want to enslave, by giving them pleasurable rewards each time they obey you. Eventually, they'll get addicted to your Tasp and do anything to get another jolt. This is a major plot point in Niven's Ringworld, where the Puppeteer alien has a Tasp installed in one of his heads and uses it to control the other creatures who venture to the Dyson Ring with him.

Ming's ring in the 1980 Flash Gordon movie seems to have some kind of orgasm-inducing, mind-controlling power. As you can see in this video we posted of Ming controlling Dale with the ring, falling under its glowing ray results in writhing and solo dirty dancing moves. Could be good at parties. Or in the throne rooms of Emperors who make speeches about "pathetic Earthlings." Either way.

And although sex ninjas aren't exactly scifi, there is simply no cause to leave out the importance of orgasm weapons in the anime miniseries La Blue Girl. It's the simple tale of rival ninja clans who fight with sex instead of swords. The first person to have an orgasm loses, and often becomes enslaved to the ninja who gives the orgasm. Plus monsters can play too, which makes it even harder to resist those orgasms. After all, a monster can have an infinite number of pleasure-inducing tentacles as you can see here.

There's a really messed-up orgasm electrode in Robin Cook's cheesy medical thriller Brain, about some scurrilous doctors who create a brain-based computer by using the brains of hapless co-eds. In one scene, our hero finds out about the brain experiments, and discovers the secret of using women's brains. The bad guys have their unlucky vicitms half-dissected but still alive, suspended in cerebro-spinal fluid, their brains exposed and their bodies (inexplicably) still attached. (Also, unexplained is why they need only ladies, other than that it's way sexier.) They've implanted electrodes in the women's pleasure centers to get them to perform computer work in their heads. "When we stimulate her, she has the sensation of 100 orgasms," the evil doctor tells our hero. "It must be sensational because she wants it constantly." I love that this doctor knows exactly what 100 orgasms would feel like, as if "orgasm" is a unit of pleasure measurement.

And just to remind you that the reality of these devices is closer than you might think, don't forget that surgeon Stuart Meloy invented a spinal implant several years ago that gives women orgasms. He's patented it, and is in the process of doing tests to turn it into a consumer device.

1. Space Oddity by David Bowie. The ultimate science fiction ballad. If only the bar let you wave a lighter around.
Singing ability required: Moderate. You just need to be able to intone "Ground control to Major Tom" in a sort of monotone, count down from five, and then wave your beer bottle over your head to the rousing chorus.

2. Rocket Man by Elton John. The other ultimate science fiction ballad, and pretty much a rip-off of the Bowie song, only cheesier.
Singing ability required: High. Unless you decide to do a cover version of the famous Shatner rendition, in which case you need absolutely no vocal chops whatsoever.

3. Rapture by Blondie. Mostly for the rap about the Man from Mars. Who knows what the other part of the song is about anyway?
Singing ability required: High. But here's what you do. Either you find your cute friend who can actually sing to do the singing part, OR you cover the Go Home Productions mash-up of "Rapture" with "Riders On The Storm" by the Doors. (You can find this mash-up online pretty easily, I think, and it still includes the Blondie rap.) But this is the crucial part: memorize the rap. You don't have to be Kanye West to pull it off, but you do have to have it memorized, especially if you're already sorta drunk. Promise me you'll memorize it in advance, so you don't embarrass me too much. Or else, don't tell anybody I told you to do this.

4. 1999 by Prince. It's sort of an apocalyptic party song, about nuclear war or something. And on the album, it starts out with that robot that only wants you to have some fun.
Singing ability required: Fairly high. This is the one you drag all your friends up there to help you sing. Bonus points if you actually work out in advance which one of you will be Dez Dickerson (bass) and which one will be Lisa (alto).

5. She Blinded Me With Science by Thomas Dolby. It's pretty much the classic mad-scientist boogie number, from one of the most scifi-ish singers of all time.
Singing ability required: Moderate. If everybody is really really drunk, you can just sort of chant the lyrics and then put everything you've got into screaming "She blinded me! With! Science!" when appropriate. Or if that's too hard, just do the screaming part.

6. Anything by They Might Be Giants. Especially if they've got "Particle Man." They're sure to have that Istanbul/Constantinople song, which isn't really scifi, but TMBG has instant scifi cred anyway.
Singing ability: Fairly high, but you can bluff your way through it if you at least remember the lyrics.

7. Flash Gordon by Queen. Or, in a pinch, Another One Bites The Dust, which is sort of post-apocalyptic sounding. Do NOT try to sing Bohemian Rhapsody. It's not science fictional, for one thing, and your friends will disown you. You're not as funny as Wayne and Garth. Trust me.
Singing ability required: High. Sorry. It's Freddy Mercury.

8. Atomic Dog by George Clinton. Why is the dog atomic? Was there some kind of nuclear disaster, or bizarre scientific mishap? (Hint: Clinton also made the awesome Dope Dogs album, all about weird drug-related experiments on puppies.) Whatever the reason, this dog is probably chasing the cat using a jetpack or something. In an ideal universe, your karaoke bar would have "Unfunky UFO" or "Mothership Connection" or "Dr. Funkenstein." But we both know that's not going to happen.
Singing ability required: Pretty high, but you can pretty much just chant your way through it. If you can master the "bow-wow-wow-yippie-yi-yippie-yay" part, you're home free. This is another song you can bring your friends up for, and just have a dance party.

9. Styx, Mr. Roboto. Well, duh. His brain is IBM.
Singing ability required: I'd say moderate. Annalee just did an impromptu performance of it for me. If you put a lot of energy and emotion into "I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control," and "Secret secret I've got a secret," you're home free.

10. Anything by Daft Punk, especially Technologic. It's pretty much all weird robots or creepy cyber-voices chanting about how they're going to fix everything.
Singing ability required: Not that much, really. Just chant and sound as robotic as you can. But work out a dance routine with a couple of your friends.

Over-exposure. We've seen way, way too much of Bob the Company stooge on Heroes. But there are even worse examples. The Master on classic Doctor Who comes to mind: He appeared in one story and was awesome. So why not have him appear in every story after that? Always hatching one daft scheme after another, always not quite managing to kill the Doctor. And then in the 1980s, the show had Anthony Ainley on contract to play the Master twice a year, like clockwork.

Draggy, saggy storylines. Sylar has many powers, but the power to hold our attention while he seduces the inky-eye woman isn't one of them. It took him like twenty hours to get to first base with her. This is more often a problem in comic books, where storylines get moved around. Kurt Busiek wrote a storyline where the Atlantean time traveler Arion comes forward in time to torment Superman, because he believes Superman will ruin the Earth. This storyline was supposed to last eight months, but lagged because of delays in other things and cross-overs with other titles. Busiek had to keep putting off the resolution to the Arion storyline, until it lasted more like sixteen months.

The villain can't kill the hero, because... It's bad enough when the villain tries to kill the hero over and over, and never succeeds. But it's horrendous when the villain makes a speech about how he/she can't kill the hero because the hero must first fulfill some purpose, or because the hero may know something, blah blah blah... It becomes a crutch for lazy writers.

Middle managers. The Holy Grail of villainy is a character who's complex and misunderstood, and has a believable point of view. Plus if you've ever had a crappy office job, it's tempting to make your villain the reincarnation of your annoying boss. But this can lead to bad guys like Bob, who really just ought to be fixing photocopier paper jams. Or Ming the Micromanager, over in Flash Gordon.

Turning them into quasi-good guys. The best villain Heroes ever had was Claire's dad, aka Horn-Rimmed Glasses. He was creepy and disturbing, but you could also sense he had a core of decency to him. So of course he had to go and become a Tarnished Good Guy (TM), who still goes over the line occasionally but has a good heart anyway. This is a chronic problem that can, uh, Spike your most interesting baddies.

Everybody's related. So far, Angela Petrelli has been the most boring villain on Heroes, because all she ever does is scold her lazy-bum kids for messing in her business. She actually has the potential to become the show's best baddie, because she's totally cold-blooded and vicious. But we need to see her demonstrating a larger vision than just making her son president or whatever. She should have a monstrous plan, or an agenda, or something other than a note for her kids.

1. More better aliens. This is a cheesy show, and when it embraces its cheesiness via silly alien culture, Flash is at its best. Some of the best episodes delved into the goofy/fun alien groups on Mongo, like the Hawkmen who fly using their magical Gwar capes. And who didn't love the Frigia episode with the ice worm and crazy blue ice ladies? The costumes on this show have always been one of its best features, and more aliens = more costumes = more fun for us, the audience.

2. More Baylin. Not only is Baylin fun to watch, but she's a great character: an assassin with a troubled past who acts a little dorktastic on Earth (she doesn't know the local customs, OK?) but is the gang's fearless leader on Mongo. She's kind of like Xena, and we love that. Give her more back story, let her get her Xena on, and for godssake give her more screen time than the lackluster Dale.

3. Make Aura the ruler of Mongo. The petulant Deviate brother subplot is annoying and dull. OK, so he's a poor wittle outcast. OK, so he's some kind of revolutionary leader. And now, as we were shown ever-so-unsubtly in Friday's finale, he's going to be just as authoritarian a leader as Ming. Aura needs to get tough, slit that fucker's throat, and really become a girl that daddy can be proud of.

4. Total Ming makeover. Seriously, folks, the whole Ming the Micromanager thing was a bad idea. We love the campy, bizarro, sparkly-eyeshadow, long-nailed, moustachioed, flowing cape Ming. That is the WHOLE FREAKING POINT of Ming. It makes him both evil and amusing to watch. I'm not saying turn him back into the crappy Asian stereotype Ming of the 1930s. But now that he's hanging out with the hot savage green queen chick, it's your chance to believably change his whole wardrobe and give him a new look. He should get some crazy clothes and a wild look. Maybe he can even start exhibiting some Deviate mutations. And let John Ralston, that poor actor who plays Ming, do something other than pursed-lip acting. We know he has it in him! Let the dude rip!

5. And hey, how about a little coherent world-building? While we're adding more cool aliens, why not actually flesh out the back story of Mongo itself and all the nearby worlds? We know there was this moment in the past where Mongo-ians were mining one of the moons. Are there other inhabited planets around? Why isn't there any space travel in this show? I'm not asking for bad voiceover explanations, or a moment where somebody says, "Well back in history we did blah blah blah." I'm saying give us an interesting plot arc that has to do with Mongo as a civilization. Or take us outside Mongo to a moon or other planet, so we have some perspective. Make Mongo more interesting, dammit!

Why do so many science fiction characters bust out their dance moves? Is it because they're men and women of action, and they need to get physical? Or is it because rhythm is the last, greatest boundary of science? Whatever the reason, we love scifi dance routines, and these are our favorites.

Buck Rogers in the 25th. Century. There are so many great dance sequences in this series, like the disco skating ambassadors. And Buck teaching Princess Ardala to get down. But the greatest may be this scene from "Space Rockers," where the band plays their glowy instruments and a ton of space-ravers dance around with light-filled ropes. Twiki's robo-dancing is just the icing on the cheesecake.

Galaxina. We already celebrated the awfulness of this movie, but here's another great moment. A gang of mutant bikers have our heroine tied up and helpless. So of course their next move is to swing-dance around her, with elaborate dips and twirls. Because that's just how mutant bikers roll. (Eventually they decide to sacrifice her to Harley Davidson, but swing-dancing comes first.)

Star Trek, "Plato's Stepchildren." Power-mad philosophers need entertainment too. So first they make Kirk and Spock dance a jig together, and then they make Spock do a flamenco number around Kirk's head. Spock's footwork is so nimble and passionate, he had to have a dance double

Doctor Who, "Last Of The Time Lords." The new Master won us over totally when he whirled the super-aged Doctor around to the strains of the Scissor Sisters' "I Can't Decide." Creepy and sexy. How could the Sci Fi Channel have cut this incredible scene out of the episode in the U.S.?

It Came From Beyond. This 1950s-ish stage musical features "Mind Power Dance," a Culture Club-esque dance number about using your telepathic powers to overcome alien invaders, no matter how cheesy their gold capes. Do this dance routine in front of any evil aliens, and they'll tumble for ya.

Flash Gordon, "Infestation." Flash's best friend Nick has been infected with an alien parasite that will kill him if he gets too happy... and he's at a wedding. Oh noes! It's up to Dale Arden to keep Nick depressed while dancing with him. I love that the most scarring thing she can think of to tell him is that he's a terrible dancer. He yells "Stop!" and the audience is yelling right along with him. She does succeed in keeping him alive, but he's apparently eaten by a monster off-camera, because we pretty much never see him again.

The Fifth Element. Ummm... There's a blue opera singer whose voice covers like 28 octaves, doing a zany quasi-belly dance. And meanwhile, Milla Jovovich is kicking the asses of a bunch of Vogon-looking aliens in a very dance-y way. Here's the clip:

Seaquest DSV, "Destination Terminal." Guarding an undersea super-train, Commander Jonathan Ford decides to prove to Lt. Lonnie Henderson that he really does have a "feminine side," by busting out his dance moves.

Monday, there's a new Kyle XY at 9 on ABC Family. A social worker takes an unfortunate interest in Kyle. Here's a clip:

On Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, John Connor gets separated from his mom and Summer Glau's Terminator, and makes an unfortunate discovery about the future. That's on Fox at 9. By coincidence, FX is showing Terminator 3 starting around 7.

Tuesday would be a good night to go out. Or rent some DVDs. Or just read a good book. There's probably at least one Iain M. Banks book you haven't read yet.

Wednesday, Moviemax is showing Aliens at 12:25. And Cinemax has The Astronaut Farmer at 7. I think it's about a guy who grows astronauts, using nutrient baths and genetic engineering. And AMC has Planet of the Apes at 6:30.

Thursday at 8 PM, there's a new Smallville. Chloe "runs afoul" of the Black Canary, who looks like she's trying out for a Pat Benatar video. Here's an unfinished clip:

And then at 9 PM, there's a new Lost. Some strangers show up on the island. Do they have mysterious backstories? Will there be flashbacks, or flash-forwards? You'll just have to tune in and find out. Here's a sneak peek:

Friday has the season finale of Flash Gordon on Sci Fi at 8. Flash is finally coming out to his fellow foolish Earthlings about his visits to Mongo, but will anybody believe him? Will Ming finally cackle, just a little? Come on: you're a little curious, aren't you?

And then there's a new Stargate: Atlantis at 9. McKay, Keller and Carter are trapped in an underground chamber on an alien world, with no apparent means of escape. Here's a promo trailer:

Also, there's a new Masters of Horror on TMC at 8:35. A housewife and her daughter go on the run when a virus turns men into psycho-killers who only target women. This actually sounds sort of cool, but wasn't it also the plot of an Angel episode, minus the virus?

Saturday, there's another new Torchwood on BBC America at 9. (You can read our spoilery recap here.) Also, at 11 PM, Encore has Repo Man.

Sunday, your local PBS station should have a new Nature, detailing the crazy love affair between the horseshoe crab and the red-knot shorebird, which have been giving each other passionate pinches and pecks for 350 million years. Will humans mess up this delicate ecosystem? The suspense is probably killing you.

And the National Geographic channel has a new documentary at 9, Six Degrees That Could Change The World. Narrated by Alec Baldwin, this show explores just how horribly a rise of six degrees Celsius in the world's temperature would affect life on Earth. It also dips into some possible solutions. If you can stand to listen to Alec Baldwin being stentorian and serious for two hours, it sounds like a worthwhile watch. Here's a super scary clip: