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Dude, the Drugs on This Planet Are Like . . . Whoa
We've got to do something about this whole "phantom planet thing," or so says a general in the marvelously-titled The Phantom Planet. Made in 1961, immortalized by Mystery Science Theater 3000 and a cheesy band, the flick is filled with drugged-out scenes on a distant planetoid. This is a true classic of proto-psychedelic scifi. After crash-landing on the aforementioned phantom planet, our hero passes out, trips, meets some teeny guys in space scrubs, and gets small, man! Plus there's crazy music! Whoa. More »
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The Dangers of Electricity Addiction
I am totally in love with indie flick Socket, a kind of body horror/scifi tale of people who get addicted to electricity and mod their bodies to suck up current better. Apparently when you get struck with lightning (at least in this movie) you are left with a hunger for more. Unfortunately, the most pure and complete feeling of voltage satisfaction comes only when you get that electricity while making a circuit with another person. The rules of the game change when Bill, a surgeon, gets struck with lightning and gets hooked on sockets. He and his intern boy toy start implanting plugs in their bodies (as you can see in this clip), while their group of wirehead friends start doing the same thing and having giant electroshock orgies. It wouldn't be the weekend without a little plugging in and getting off, would it? [Socket]
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Worst Lobster Attack Sequence Ever
A whole squadron of killer lobsters attacks comedian Bill Cosby and his wife, in this bizarre sequence from scifi comedy Leonard Part 6, which Cosby wrote and produced. "The offensive will start immediately!" proclaims Gloria Foster's sequin-addicted supervillain. But really the offensive started about 70 minutes ago, including Cosby doing the Jane Fonda workout, Cosby doing ballerina movies to avoid a killer ostrich, and Cosby throwing exploding hotdogs and hamburgers at Foster's squad of evil cackling vegetarians, who want to take over ALL of Northern California. Yes, even Benicia. More »
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Lady Frankenstein Builds a Biological Love Machine
Lady Frankenstein is an early-1970s spaghetti horror flick that's all about what happens when you let ladies into the lab. They build the ultimate love machines, combining their favorite male brains with their favorite male bodies. At least that's what Tania, Dr. Frankenstein's daughter, does. She returns home from medical school only to see papa murdered by his monster. Then she falls for this old dude, whose brain is great but whose body isn't as young and bouncy as she'd like. In fact, she'd rather make it with this hot retarded guy who works as their servant. So she hits on a brilliant idea: Why not continue dad's work by killing brain guy and body guy, then combining the best of both? In this scene, we see her raising the brain-transplanted dead and then . . . feeling up the undead. Ladies in the lab make for way better mad science, don't you think? [Lady Frankenstein]
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A Desperate Light-Saber Battle On A Planet Of Sex Fiends
The most demented Italian Star Wars ripoff isn't Star Crash or The Humanoid — it's the XXX-rated The Beast In Space, which is also a quasi-sequel to 1975 supernatural bestiality epic The Beast... except in space this time. Newly on DVD, the Beast In Space has the laser gun fights and fake light sabre fights with guys in silver jumpsuits, the Han Solo-knockoff, and a robot that rules the planet Longion by keeping everybody in a mind-controlled haze of non-stop sex, in which they never age. Weirdly, the porno's science is more accurate than the science in Star Wars. Our sister blog Fleshbot has another clip (very NSFW) from the film. [Fleshbot]
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Clubs of the Future with Mick Jagger, Jerry Hall, and Crazy Outfits!
I dare you to name a movie sillier than Freejack, a gooftastic flick from 1992 with Mick Jagger as a futuristic bounty hunter (in the year 2009!) who grabs people from the past and sells their bodies to dead rich people whose minds are stored in a giant mainframe. Too bad he messes with race car driver Alex, played with maximum slack by Emilio Estevez, demonstrating how far the poor guy had fallen since Repo Man. More »
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The Real Wonder Woman
The greatest Wonder Woman movie of all time has already been made — even if Joel Silver comes to his senses and offers Joss Whedon unlimited money and creative control. I'm referring, of course, to the Hong Kong film Heroic Trio, which featured Wonder Woman (Anita Mui), alongside Invisible Girl (Michelle Yeoh) and Thief Catcher (Maggie Cheung) battling a monster who creates cannibalistic mutant children. Less well known, but even weirder, is the sequel, The Executioners. Where the first film was disturbing, the second is apocalyptic and depressing, culminating with the most psychotic arm-ripping, chest-spearing fight scene in history, which is below. More »
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Most Disturbing Kaiju Transformation Scene Ever (NSFW)
I am disturbed on so many levels that I'm practically in ecstasy. Watching Meatball Machine made my day because it includes goofy human-sized kaiju fights, an alien invasion, barfing, drooling, piles and piles of blood, and a tender love scene (in the clip you see here) gone terribly wrong. Our hero, a shy nerd, is just about to start making out with the nice girl he's been crushing on when the shit hits the fan. Because our boy, unbeknownst to himself, has brought home a piece of alien technology. When his girl starts freaking out on him, demanding that he hold her after she confesses that she crippled her father with a lead pipe, the mecha-alien bursts out of the bag he's been hiding it in and attacks the girl. What happens next is really weird, really gross, and full of tentacles going you-know-where. Please, for the love of Korn, do not watch this unless you are prepared to see things you can never unsee. [Meatball Machine]
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Worst Secret Superhero Club Ever
The 1997 Justice League TV movie is like a tutorial on how not to do superheroes on film, from the stiff, I-can't-move costumes to the incredibly cheesy dialogue and acting. (Although I think the little documentary-interview segments are a neat idea, just horribly executed.) Here's the scene where our point-of-view character Tori Olafsdotter meets the rest of the League, who are based on the mid-1990s comics lineup of characters you've never heard of except Flash and Green Lantern. No matter how awful George Miller's abortive Justice League: Mortal might have been, it would have looked great compared to this disaster. More »
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Timegasms Are Not Pretty
The best part of time travel movies is always when the crazy scientist/inventor/engineer babbles madly about the hoozits that will allow time to be bent. Even better is when the hoozits swing into action and we see the "traveling in time" effects. Except in Richard Donner's Timeline, which is perhaps one of the worst time travel movies ever made. So bad, in fact, that it is hypnotic. Especially in this scene, where our team of medievalist dweebs is shoved into RenFaire outfits, stuck into a time machine on some ill-defined rescue mission, and shipped off to 1357 in France . . . right at the zoomiest part of the 100 years war. Of course Joan of Arc is there and a bunch of other stupid crap. But let's not focus on that. Let's watch our time travelers travel in the most transcendently dorky way imaginable! [Timeline]
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Stupid Grown-Ups Love Their Robot Overseers
What heavy metal teenager with a bitchin' mullet hasn't fantasized about acting out this scene? Walking out of a giant monster skull, with a wall of flame behind you, and telling all of the old farts that they're really slaves of the man? In this awesome scene from Starchaser: Legend Of Orin, the slaves of Mineworld think that their overlord Zygon is coming to address them, but they're surprised when it's the teenage Orin, who ventured out of their little cavern world for the first time, instead. Isn't it just like the grownups to believe the lying whip-wielding robot overseers instead of the kids? More »
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Vegans Kill to Drive Cars and Have Sex in a Dystopian Future
The aptly-named Blood Car is a near-future tale about peak oil and bloodthirsty vegans. Gasoline is so expensive that it takes almost 500 bucks to fill your tank, and most cars have been abandoned in vast "car graveyards." Archie is a nice vegan guy who wants to help the world by creating the first engine that runs on wheatgrass — but instead, he accidentally invents an engine that runs on human blood. More »
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Spaghetti Space Opera's Greatest Moment
The Italians created two awesome Star Wars clones in 1979: the David Hasselhoff-in-eyeliner movie Star Crash (which we featured a while back), and this movie, The Humanoid. It stars Richard Kiel ("Jaws" from the James Bond movies) as a super-soldier — who decapitates like eight guys by throwing one pylon in this clip. It also has some of the best Darth Vader dialog ever, a robot dog named Robodog, a psychic Jedi-child, and an evil queen who has to absorb the juices of one topless young fashion model every day to stay young. The directors of Star Crash and The Humanoid had an undying rivalry, that endured 23 years later, when one of them was working in a gift shop. More »
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The Best Abstract Giant Robot Ever
I am convinced that this giant robot, from the 1957 movie Kronos: Ravager of Planets, is perhaps the very best of the abstract giant robots. And by "abstract," I mean Kronos here looks basically like a modernist building — just a big box on giant struts with a spherical head topped by two antennae. Sure there's some backstory here, like a flying saucer crashed in Mexico and suddenly there was this giant robot who is mind-controlling everybody so it can eat electricity or atomic bombs or something. Really, though, all you need to know is that there is a hulking robot building thing roaming the countryside, and being followed by three intrepid robot geeks wearing awesome coveralls that say "Labcentral" on the back. Damn, I want those coveralls. And that abstract giant robot! Here I've put together the very best of the giant robot scenes for you. Watch Kronos from far away, from up close, and in full burnination mode! [Kronos via IMDB]
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The Solar-Powered Astro Zombie Turned Out to Be a Bad Idea
In this terrific little moment from Ted V. Mikels' classic everythingsploitation movie Astro Zombies, we get so much annum 1968 greatness that it's hard to encompass it all. A mad scientist has created a remote-controlled, solar-powered "astro zombie" in strange and boring detail (yes, there is a five-minute scene of unscrewing the cover on a metal box), and a Mexican mobster (the luscious lady in this clip) wants to know more. She smokes languidly while listening to the professor extol his creature's virtues on a reel-to-reel. Then we randomly cut to a scene where we meet the astro zombie. And there is violence! Stabbing! Mexican-wrestler-looking dude! What the hell! Where am I!More »
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Blame Aliens For Your Shitty iPhone
Comedian Dave Chapelle usually transcends, and subverts, stereotypes — so I was very disappointed when I first saw this moment from the Chapelle Show. What's up with the blatant alien stereotyping in this skit (which sort of grows out of a larger skit making fun of Morgan Freeman's president in Deep Impact)? Aliens don't all have the big bulbous eyes and talk like a Speak'n'Spell. Also, Chapelle touches on one of my pet peeves here: the idea that our technological advances of the past couple decades are so miraculous, aliens must have helped us out. Wouldn't aliens have given us something better than Verizon and xBox?
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