Describing smugglers as "slick, sneaky and street-smart," it's almost as if they're daring you not to want to play this particular class, even before you get to the outfits inspired by Lando Calrissian. Who would want to be a Jedi when you can be one of these guys, instead?

Smuggler [Star Wars: The Old Republic]

[via Laughing Squid]

• Luke and Leia: When you first saw Star Wars, weren't you rooting for the young, rebellious teenager from Tatooine to actually score with the girl? You had the feeling that Han had been around the block a few times and didn't need another notch on his blaster-belt, royalty or not. Luke was the entire wish-fulfillment part of the movie: who wouldn't want to get whisked off their world and into an interstellar struggle along with magic and laser swords? You not only wanted him to destroy the Death Star, but to get the girl as well. Well, at least he got to make out with his sister first few minutes of Empire, hinting that there might have been some other episodes of that going on.
• Han Solo and Chewbacca: They say dogs are a man's best friend, and there's probably an even closer relationship when your dog is over seven feet tall, walks uprights, talks you to in his own language that only you understand, and can fly your ship for you. Plus you know exactly where to scratch him when he needs a bit of a reward for doign something good. The flea baths and upkeep on that glossy fur must be fairly expensive, and who knows what you have to feed the guy. Although there's a slight undertone of jealousy when Chewie chuckles at Han when he gets dissed by Leia, he just calls him a fuzzball and everything is right again.
• Darth Vader and Boba Fett: Think about it, they both spend most of their lives encased in armor, had their parent (singular, in both cases) taken away from them at an early age, and they both enjoy killing things for fun. It's just natural that they'd be attracted to each other, and who's the first person Darth calls when he needs to have someone hunted down? Also, Darth has his own little private torture chamber, and Boba's ship is called the Slave I, so they must have some sort of bondage fetish going on.
• R2D2 and C3P0: Nothing says "I can't quit you" like two droids who stick with each other through thick and thin. Plus the sheer amount of concern that Threepio shows for R2 whenever anything happens to him betrays his feelings, and the Emperor would say. If that golden whiner could have burst into tears when Luke says "I've lost R2!" over the radio in Star Wars, he sure would have. Traipsing around the galaxy together might have been hard on their droid bodies, what with R2 not being able to fly anymore, and Threepio getting blasted to bits in Empire, but just think about the stories they'll be able to tell their grandtoasters.
• Jabba the Hutt and Leia: Running an evil organization that operates on the underbelly of the law can be taxing. Just check out Jabba's body: he's fat, smells, eats live reptiles, and he has to chain women to himself just to keep them around. Once he spotted Leia trying to make off with Han's frozen body, he quickly forced her into a tiny metal bikini and turned her into his newest slave girl, much to the delight of horny basement-dwellers around the world. She wouldn't even reciprocate his proffered tongue kisses, but repays him with some erotic asphyxiation. We swear he enjoyed being choked out.
• Mon Mothma and Admiral Ackbar: If you thought a smuggler and a walking carpet were an odd couple, consider a woman and her giant fish. It's probably hard to serve as the leader of the Rebellion and to coordinate efforts to overthrow the Empire when you have to worry that your partner is getting enough water, and do you have a good supply of krill on hand. Still, she manages to pull it off with grace and spotless flowing white robes, while Ackbar looks paunchy and happy, like someone who has just downed a few beers before the big game. We just hope he doesn't slap her around when those Rebels aren't around.
• Lando Calrissian and Nien Nunb: Once Lando accepts his guilt for the freezing of Han, he starts flying the Millennium Falcon around, dresses like Han, and even takes on Chewie as his co-pilot. However, that all changes when the Battle of Endor erupts. Lando ditches Chewie and makes room for Nien Nunb, who likes to gasp and nod. Plus, he speaks his own secret language with Lando, and they spend a lot of time in that cockpit together. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
• Tusken Raiders and their Banthas: Tusken Raiders spend their lives wrapped head to toe in mummy bandages, and the only thing they have to keep them company are other Tusken Raiders, and Banthas. According to Star Wars lore, when a Tusken receives a Bantha, they form a life-long bond; when one of the two dies, the other is exiled to the desert to die. Which would really suck if Banthas are known to have a short lifespan. Still, nothing says love like a bond that requires an exile after the breakup.
• Han Solo and Leia: Darth Vader's daughter sure gets around. During the course of three different films, she makes out with her brother, gets flirted with by scoundrels, wriggles around almost nude for fat gangsters, tickles a furry Ewok silly, and then ends up with Han. However, didn't it feel like she chose him because she found out she was related to Luke? Decisions of the heart are a lot easier when you find out you might have offspring with giant foreheads and genetic problems.

Art via the excellent Joel Watson.

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• A Clockwork Orange: Malcolm McDowell was given an experimental injection and forced to watch images of violence and sex until the mixture made him barf. Can you imagine throwing up whenever you watched porn? That's the very worst torture of all.
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• Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: Khan takes an earwig and drops it inside of Chekov's helmet, where it slowly crawls into his ear, spitting some kind of bloody acid as it goes. Then it wraps itself around his cerebral cortex and makes him Khan's bitch. That scene made me sleep with earplugs for about six months when I was a kid, and it still creeps me out.
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• Doctor Who — "Vengeance on Varos": Colin Baker (during his chubby years) visits Varos, a planet where people are shown public scenes of torture and execution for entertainment. Sort of like American Idol, with a sadistic Ryan Seacrest. The Doctor was a bit of a dick in this episode, getting a lot of people killed and leaving the torture machines intact when he left. Nice guy.
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• The Empire Strikes Back: Darth Vader takes Han Solo into his private torture room on Bespin and lowers him onto a really nasty looking torture rack. As Han's screams echo throughout Cloud City, someone had the bright idea to turn this into a fucking action figure! "Here Timmy, enjoy torturing Harrison Ford!" Genius.
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• Brazil: Jonathan Pryce gets tortured by his former friend Michael Palin wearing a hideous babyface mask in Terry Gilliam's dark vision of the future. In fact, there's a whole branch of the Ministry of Information called "information retrieval" to get jobs like this done, just like George Bush's CIA does. Everything becomes unraveled when a typo gets the wrong man killed. No spellcheck for you.
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• Cube: Seven strangers wake up inside a giant cube, where each new room contains a deadly trap that they have to figure out. In the first three minutes of the movie, a guy gets chopped into square pieces by a swinging razor-bladed gate. So you know you're in for something really special. Plus, there's high-level math involved in figuring out the puzzle, which is a special kind of torture right there. Damn prime numbers.
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• Star Trek: The Next Generation — "Chain of Command": Patrick Stewart should have walked away with a special Oscar for over-the-top acting in this episode, but I still love the damn thing. Picard is kidnapped and brainwashed over and over by a Cardassian agent, played by the excellently evil David Warner. Warner keeps asking how many lights are on the wall, and although Picard is promised comfort and luxury if he says there are five lights, he never breaks. At the end of the episode, as he stumbles out of the torture room, he turns and shouts, "THERE. ARE. FOUR. LIGHTS!" Just watch the damn thing below, it still gives me goosebumps.

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