Let's start with the most fun book of the week: Harper Collins' Method Man graphic novel, written by and starring the Wu-Tang rapper as Mosely Paine, a Hellboy-esque monster hunter in a city known only as "One Bad Ghetto, USA." I smell potential movie deal...

Oddly enough, this isn't the first Wu-Tang comic - that would be 2002's The Nine Rings of Wu-Tang - nor will it be the last. GZA and Ghostface Killah are both working on their own graphic novels.

It's a big week for Devil's Due Publishing. They're releasing the first issue of a new Voltron series, Voltron: A Legend Forged as well as the alien abduction book NYE Incidents, which we've written about before. More mysterious alien lifeforms can be found in Boom! Studios' virus-from-beyond-the-stars Dominion trade paperback.

Wanting more zombie fiction? Then check out Red5 Comics' ZMD: Zombies Of Mass Destruction series, where the undead are used as the last resort in our ever-ongoing war against terrorism. As you may expect, things don't quite go to plan. If your taste for the undead leans more towards vampires, then IDW probably invite you to sample their new Spike: After The Fall series, showing you just what James Marsters' alter ego has been up to post-Angel season 5.

I know, I know; you're wondering what Marvel and DC are doing with themselves during this indie-heavy week. DC is playing it cool, with its flagships both being the work of Geoff Johns: His very enjoyable Superman And The Legion of Super-Heroes storyline gets a hardcover collection, bringing Clark Kent back to his 31st Century teenage hangout, while Final Crisis: Rogues' Revenge sees him return to the world of the Flash and attempt to redeem the villains therein (much to the gratitude of those of us who've read Countdown to Final Crisis). Marvel, meanwhile, is pretty collection-centric in terms of interest, with World War Hulk's spin-off series, Warbound, getting a paperback collection and Steve Gerber's classic run on Howard The Duck finally getting the oversized hardcover it's always deserved.

Just like every other week, you can read about each and everything hitting comic stores on Wednesday right here, and then go and find out where your local store is by clicking on this here link. Just remember that, like the Wu Tang Clan, comic book stores are not, in fact, not something to fuck with.

Hulk Vs comes out on DVD in January 2009. Comic-Con goers will be treated to the first half of the Wolverine/Hulk fight at the Marvel panel. But more importantly, will this be the moment we get to see The Hulk rip smart-mouthed Wolverine in half comic book style? It's a cartoon, so maybe not. But we can dream can't we?

Iron Man Armored Adventures features teen Tony Stark in his Richie Rich years learning to appreciate humanity and working for a living fighting crime. How will he balance puberty and battling the evil Mandarin? Together with teen War Machine and little Pepper he fights evil across the globe. Here's hoping they address teen drinking super early in this series, so Tony can get an early start on his future demons.
The 26-episode series will premiere on Nicktoons in 2009.

[Marvel]

According to the Reuters piece,

After four weekends, the Louis Leterrier-directed "The Incredible Hulk" has earned $125 million, the same as what "Hulk" had pulled in at the same time in its run. "Hulk" finished with $132 million, and its successor is unlikely to do much better... Despite the similarity of the Hulk films' theatrical runs, industryites suggest the lighter tone of the second film makes it more the vehicle to generate sequels, and some suggest the remake will prove a more lucrative DVD title than the Eric Bana-starring original. On the other hand, production costs and marketing expenses were steeper the second time around, totaling more than $200 million. The first film cost about $150 million to make.

More expensive but not more successful? Is there anything that could save Bruce Banner's franchise potential?

"Hollywood is always about perception," said David Davis, managing partner and entertainment analyst at Arpeggio Partners in Los Angeles. "The first Hulk (movie) had such high expectations after the NBC-Universal merger and was supposed to be critical-favorite Ang Lee's breakout commercial blockbuster.

"Then with the new Hulk film, Marvel was able to underplay the importance of the success after the great success of 'Iron Man' this summer," Davis said. "So the new one overdelivered, relative to its underpromise."

On that logic, expect to hear that The Incredible Hulk 2: This One's A Stinker, It Won't Even Make A Dime announced by Marvel any day now.

Latest "Hulk" may not spawn a sequel [Reuters]

The Wasp
Why we want to see her in the movies: There’s no way that Janet Van Dyne shouldn’t be in any Avengers project; one of the founding members of the team in the original comics, she’s stuck around during their entire history, even leading the team on occasion. There’s more to this society-dame-cum-fashion-designer that just being a lame Ant-Man-wannabe, you know.

Wonder Man
Why we want to see him in the movies: Really, it’s just that outfit. Yeah, you could get some pathos out of the story of a man whose attempt to get superpowers placed him in a death-like coma for years, making his brother become his own arch-enemy through misplaced grief, but I just want to see a superhero movie star a guy in a bright red safari jacket. I admit it.

Hawkeye
Why we want to see him in the movies: Handsome, cocky, a bit of a ladies man and even more of an asshole, he’s Han Solo with a bow and arrow. As an added bonus, if they rush the movie into production, he could spoil similar DC hero Green Arrow’s movie debut in Supermax.

Black Widow
Why we want to see her in the movies: The former Russian spy turned superhero didn’t lose any of her alluring wiles when she turned to the (American) good side. Pistol-packing and mysterious, she could be the perfect femme fatale role for budding actresses who aren’t Scarlett Johanssen, Frank Miller.

Starfox
Why we want to see him in the movies: The ideal comedic foil for the movie, Starfox is part of a race of genetically-altered humans called The Eternals, and his superpower is to make women fall in love with him. Sure, there’s more to it than that (It’s all about affecting the chemical balance in the brain, making people happier and more susceptible to suggestion or something), but come on. Who doesn’t see Adam Sandler in a bad wig already?

Tigra
Why we want to see her in the movies: She’s a half-cat, half-woman who fights crime wearing a bikini. Put her in the movie and finally we can judge the size of the furry portion of the movie-going public.

Beast
Why we want to see him in the movies: The rights issue may be a problem, considering he showed up in X-Men: The Last Stand, but just as Dr. Henry McCoy jumped teams in the comic books to become a star in his own right, so should his celluloid version. It’s not like Kelsey Grammer has anything else to do these days, anyway.

Mantis
Why we want to see her in the movies: Of all of Marvel’s characters, Mantis may have the oddest character arc – From Vietnamese prostitute to cosmic goddess “The Celestial Madonna” who ends up marrying an alien possessing and reanimating the corpse of her dead lover. I’d just want to see them try to make that into a movie.

Black Panther
Why we want to see him in the movies: There is absolutely no reason not to have him in the movies. The Panther – who was briefly renamed “Black Leopard” when Marvel became aware of the Black Panther Party – is the scientific equal of Iron Man, the physical equal of Captain America, and man enough for the X-Men’s Storm to fall in love with him. Basically, he’s Marvel’s Batman. Never mind Avengers, he should have his own movie.

So there you have it – Nine potential replacements for whichever big-name actor doesn’t sign on for the ensemble Avengers movie when it goes into production next year. Take that as a warning, Ed Norton.

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Incredible Hulk 2:

If there is an Incredible Hulk sequel, it's not a slam dunk that Sam Sterns (the Leader) will be the main villain. Another school of thought has Leonard Samson, the psychiatrist who was dating Betty, becoming the bad guy. He occasionally clashed with the Hulk in the comics, although mostly they're friends. And Samson might be miffed that Bruce stole his girlfriend Betty. Director Louis Leterrier says he'll ask the fans at Comic-Con whom they'd like to see as the villain of TIH2. [Underwire]

Wanted:

Here's this guy's list of a dozen or so weird/wacky things that happen in Wanted. They're pretty much spoilers we've already covered, but his write-up is pretty entertaining and he puts his finger on some of the more ludicrous things in the zany actioner. [XLBBQ]

G.I. Joe:

Here are a couple more character posters from G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, which show the Baroness and Snake Eyes looking sultry and snakey, respectively. [IESB]

Heroes:

Here are more set photos from Heroes season three, showing Future Peter meeting regular Peter. And getting all grabby with his niece Claire, who's gotten the too-much-makeup bug from Ali Larter. I guess this is right before she shoots him? Are they actually going to get together on the show, now that the actors are dating? Is Peter the character who will turn out to be also adopted? (So they're not blood relations any more?) Or is it just going to be one huge tangle of ick? Either way, it looks like a community college production of Grease. Oh, and is that a painting predicting some kind of future Earth-crack? [TheBadandtheUgly and Heroes The Series and Gilmore Girls News]

And now that you're all pumped up for a new season of Heroes (you are, aren't you?) here's some more news: Kristen Bell's electrosex kitten Elle will be in only about five episodes of the season, give or take. But Mama Petrelli will be in every. single. episode. Because she has "lots to do."

Meanwhile, Sylar and Claire's daddy H.R.G. will have lots and lots of scenes together, because they will be working together. As a team. (This could be related to that rumor that Sylar gets a change of heart?) [E! Online]

Smallville:

Smallville season eight will be more about Metropolis and the whole Lois-and-Clark thang that we used to love back in the 1990s. Plus lots and lots of Green Arrow, with sprinklings of Justice League. [E! Online again]

Doctor Who:

Based on the new trailers, plus some filming that was observed earlier, Planet Galifrey has pieced together more spoilers for Saturday's new Doctor Who, "The Stolen Earth." It starts with the TARDIS still red and cloister belly. And then it catches fire! The Doctor finds that Earth has been stolen, and goes to visit the Shadow Proclamation to find out what's going on. The Proclamation has been offering a refuge to all the races that have lost their worlds already, like the Adipose and the Rexicorocofallipatorians.

And the thuggish Judoon are keeping order for the Shadow Architects, who are skinny and have weird blond hair. The Doctor takes the floor, talking a mile a minute and being clever, but it doesn't go that well. Then he goes back to the TARDIS and has a moment of being happy that Rose is coming back — before he gets another message that shocks him again. The rest of it is spoilers we've covered before in some depth. [Planet Gallifrey]

Stargate

The direct-to-DVD Stargate: Continuum takes advantage of its feature-length format to give more little "moments" to its characters, including Mitchell going back to the farm, Carter going shopping and Daniel going to the bookstore. And later, there are scenes where the world has to adjust to "a world not their own." Carter is an astronaut who brilliantly sacrifices herself and saves her crew. Ben doesn't exist because he literally acted out the "grandfather paradox." And Daniel phones himself and reads his own book. He gives himself a pep talk, saying things like, "Trust your feelings." [Sci Fi Weekly]

Meanwhile, in case you haven't seen it, here's a promo for Stargate: Atlantis season five that's been airing lately.

True Blood:

Here are episode synopses for the second, third and fourth episodes of True Blood, HBO's science-vampires show:

"The First Taste". Sookie suspects Bill is behind the murders of the people who almost ended her life; Tara deals with family matters; and a new church threatens the vampire world.

"Mine". Tara visits LaFayette seeking comfort from her woes, Sookie meets some of Bill's rowdy friends and saves them from harm from a human among them, and, Sookie and Hugo visit the Church of the Fellowship of the Sun.

"Escape From Dragon House." One of the barmaids from Merlotte's is murdered and all signs point to Jason as her killer. Also evident is the fact that she had been around vampires, and Sookie knows just where to go to find out who the girl had been with. Bill introduces Sookie to Fangoria, the biggest vampire bar in Shreveport, and Eric, the oldest vampire in Shreveport. Her search could lead her into territory she never thought she'd cover.

Thanks to Lauren Davis for research help.

The latest Hulk movie involved 147 sets, double the usual number in a big film. That's because Incredible Hulk is a "road movie," with Bruce on the run through lots of different locations. Plus all of the sets had to have visual effects stuff, especially explosions, stuck through them. "We were shooting two or three sets a day," says Petruccelli.

Rio:

• At the start of the film, Bruce is in Brazil, allowing for that huge chase across the rooftops of the favela (slum.) But it was almost Thailand instead. "We were thinking about, 'where would a person want to be an ant in an anthill,'" says Petruccelli. "[Director] Louis [Leterrier] came up with Thailand," and found a cool-looking picture of a Thai slum. But then Petruccelli went online and found a Rio slum that worked even better. "The images we found were just these unbelievable compressed anthills of humanity and that got everybody excited." That way, you got the shots of the soldiers chasing Edward Norton on foot and via helicopter across the rooftops, with the whole vista of the Favela behind him." I mentioned to Petruccelli that it reminded me of the shantytown chase from Jackie Chan's Police Story, and he said, "You find those once in a lifetime, those places are real."
• 
  
• The only parts of the Rio storyline that weren't filmed in Rio were Bruce's apartment, and the area just outside it, plus the bottling plant. Petruccelli worked hard to match the look and feel of the real buildings in the Favela where they were shooting. And that bottling plant was an abandoned warehouse in Toronto. They hunted for a space where the Hulk could move around freely and yet lurk in the shadows. "There was lot of conveyor systems, glass, and machinery," says Petruccelli. "You put it into a slum, so you don't make it a very clean environment, you make it very archaic, of the streets, hot, sweaty, steamy."

Smashing

• In general, a lot of the production design for The Incredible Hulk revolved around finding environments, and things, for the Hulk to smash — sort of the way a video game designer creates lots of objects for players to interact with. Petruccelli worked side by side with the creature designer, Kurt Williams, and his team to imagine how the Hulk would look in different environments. "It's all impact," he says. "This film is all about smash." They had to imagine everything the Hulk could crush, from objects to buildings. Plus how the Hulk would work for that romantic scene in the cave during the rainstorm.
• 
  
• Similarly, imagining the sequence where the army attacks the Hulk in a university quad, the designers thought about what sort of objects the Hulk could use as weapons, including statues, trees and whatever else he could get his hands on. Plus they had to plan out how/where military hardware would be able to move around the University of Toronto campus, where they shot.

Harlem:

• None of the New York sequences were filmed in New York. Instead, a section of Yonge Street in Toronto was transformed into 152nd. street in Harlem, near the Apollo Theater. Both streets have a lot in common, including four lanes of traffic going both directions, small two-story or four-story structures. "Louis fell in love with Yonge St. because of the available light." Ed Norton and the design crew came up with a chase that went through Columbia and up into Harlem.
• 
  
• Petruccelli's team built "many backlots" to create an impression of the poor section of Harlem, which is super-gentrified now. "I wanted to take it back to the 70s," says Petruccelli. "We turned it into a mean streets Taxi Driver version of New York... a representation of what Harlem was rather than what it really is."
• 
  
• Originally, Leterrier wanted to have the giant confrontation between the Hulk and the Abomination in Times Square, but it would have been too difficult to film there or simulate it. "It's a massive undertaking," says Petruccelli. But Norton and Leterrier came up with a different spin on the story. "If you really want two mean-spirited brutalists, creatures fighting each other, the sheen of Times Square wasn't the right place to do it," Petruccelli adds. "Everything in this film was mpre about impact. I would rather see them throw themselves through brick and steel than glass and light structures. Having five foot concrete for them to go through makes it that much more impactful."

  I mentioned that I Am Legend was able to film in Times Square, for the moving scenes where Will Smith walks through a destroyed and abandoned New York. "It's amazing that they were able to do that," Petruccelli says. But the Incredible Hulk shoot was looking for something different: "It's the world's biggest barfight in the world's toughest neighborhood between the world's toughest fighters, rather than a poetic version of what life would be like after the end of the world.

• I asked about whether there's still a post-9/11 taboo on showing New York destroyed, now that Legend and Cloverfield have both trashed the city in different ways. "New York takes a beating in most films," says Petruccelli. "It's because it really is one of the greatest metropolises on the planet, it means so much to so many people. To have a rumble in Cleveland couldn't compare." And New York has a special significance in a Marvel movie: "At the heart of Marvel's history, most of the characters come out of New York."

Antarctica:

• One of Petruccelli's favorite sequences didn't make it into the Hulk movie: the original opening sequence where Bruce Banner is in Antarctica, trying to kill himself, which "pushed the limits of storytelling... It was a really powerful moment, so much so that it was chosen not be a part of the film." Petruccelli was up in the helicopter during the shooting of the sweeping ice fields, the huge emptiness standing in contrast to the crowded scenes of Rio and New York. "Do I miss it?" Petruccelli says. "If the movie works, I don't miss it. [But] that was the shot I really really was excited about."

Incredible Hulk 2?

• Petruccelli hasn't had any conversations yet about a sequel, but he's gung ho to work on any future Marvel projects. "When Hulk ended I raced right into a new project," (the comedy When In Rome.) As for the Marvel crew, "their edit schedule was so massive and so intense, I don't think they've come up for air."

Wondering just what you're missing in the now-mythical 70 minutes of cut footage from The Incredible Hulk? Turns out that you don't have to wait for the DVD release to find out, just crack open a copy of the movie's tie-in novel by longtime Hulk comic writer Peter David. Or, alternatively, let someone else do so and then read the summary of missing scenes that they post online. We're helping you with that latter option under the jump.

Comic site 4thLetter took the time to compare the finished version of Marvel's smashfest with David's novelization and came away surprisingly relieved that someone had taken the scissors to Ed Norton's vision:

With Incredible Hulk, the good outweighed the bad in terms of cuts. God, did it ever. Yes, there was definitely some stuff that should have stayed in there. No doubt. It’s just that a lot of scenes that got ousted had the potential to be really bad. Really bad. I’m talking Superman’s cellophane S projectile bad. I’m talking Matt Murdock fighting Elektra at the playground bad. I’m talking the entirety of Rise of the Silver Surfer bad. It’s cool that I count that movie as one long, horrible scene, right?

I really am the only person who kind of enjoyed FF2, aren't I...? Turns out that we're not missing a lot in the extra scenes, although there's a couple of awesome Easter Eggs in there for fans of the comic (An Amadeus Cho cameo? Who would've seen that coming?), but that one scene that everyone already knows about in the Arctic...? Here it is:

The opening scene, which appears to be the kind of thing to take place before the credits, has a truck driving through the arctic. Bruce Banner asks the driver to stop when they’re in the middle of nowhere. Then he gets out and walks away. The driver is confused, but drives off anyway. Banner walks through the blizzard, pulls out a pistol and tries to off himself. His arm won’t let him and he unwillingly pulls the gun away from his head and fires it empty. Then he falls to the ground, hoping to die from the cold, but transforms into the Hulk instead. As the Hulk, he smashes the ground and breaks it into icebergs.

This was probably going to be where the hyped Captain America appearance was going to take place. I suppose that without Namor in the cards, they would just have Hulk be the one to smash up the arctic and release his frozen body into the water. From what I understand, a version of this scene is in the videogame.

Whoever decided to cut this scene is a total pussy.

Wait, was that going to be the fabled Captain America cameo...? Guess we'll just have to wait for the DVD to find out after all.

Incredible Hulk: The Deleted Scenes [4th Letter]

In an interview with XSI Base Sims explained that Hulk's director, Louis Leterrier, had him chugging away at Hulk concept art even before there was a script.

Sims said he "started with a more basic human look, but still keeping with the iconic Hulk, and it grew from there. After that, I went really over the top to see how far we could push it, and then pulled it back to what you see in the movie."

The Abomination was very different from the comic and Sims explained that they wanted "it to look like it was growing from within and the bones and muscle would break through the skin."

[XSI and Concept Art World]

Playboys:

I think comics are one of the few places you still see men referred to as "playboys." Usually it's part of a phrase that also references their wealth, like "billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne." In any case, Bruce Wayne lives up to the term, bedding lots of supermodels as well as Talia Al Ghul, daughter of his arch-foe Ra's Al Ghul. When Grant Morrison took over writing Batman, he vowed to bring back "hairy-chested love god Batman," who really never left. Here's a whole article from the Long Island Voice complaining that "Batman Gets Laid Too Much." (They're uptight in Long Island, I guess.)

And then there's Tony Stark/Iron Man, who's portrayed as a total ladies' man in many of his comic-book appearances as well as his recent movie, where he seduces a hostile reporter in like 10 seconds flat.

I don't think Wolverine is a billionaire or even a millionaire, but he's hooked up with a lot of women in his time — there's one issue of Grant Morrison's New X-Men where he goes to Asia to fight some army of evil, and he meets a female mutant bad-ass ninja. A few pages later, they're off to bed together. It's part of Wolverine's mystique — his animalistic drive and beasty scent drive women wild, and his healing factor probably gives him incredible stamina. He's slept with everybody, including Black Widow. He's even had sex with the Scarlet Witch's mom (Magneto's wife) in The Ultimates.

Also, The Spirit, Will Eisner's pulpy detective/science hero/superhero, had women all over him, all the time, says Reading Comics author Douglas Wolk. Just look here. And here. And here. And Spider-Man gets his fair share of excitement, including dating a bunch of models and marrying a model/actress. He had the easiest divorce in history, courtesy of the Marvel Universe version of the Devil, and has been dating like a madman ever since. And Wally West, who took over as the Flash in the mid-1980s, was speeding through a series of one-night stands before he finally settled down with his wife Linda. Plus Luke Cage, aka the former Power Man, has scored with a number of superheroes in his time, and has been described as a big "Cape-Chaser" in Alias #6.

Other big comic-book playas include Batman's protege Nightwing, Green Arrow and his sidekick Red Arrow, and most of the Authority. There's a running subplot in recent issues of Green Lantern where John Stewart teases Hal Jordan (the original silver age Lantern) about his huge number of booty calls. And thanks to commenter Whitworthian for the list of all the women Daredevil has hooked up with.

Women of ill repute:

There's a great scene in a She Hulk comic where She Hulk goes to bed with Tony Stark, because why not? And afterwards, She Hulk and Tony have a whole conversation about the double standard: they both love having sex, with lots and lots of other people, but Tony gets to be a cool "stud," and she gets jeered at as a naughty slut. (The SHIELD helicarrier gets conveniently attacked before Tony can give a good answer.)

She Hulk's huge sexual appetite is a by-product of her Gamma-radiated superpowers, and it's a huge theme of Dan Slott's run on the comic: when she gets big and green, she gets really, really horny and has fewer inhibitions. She beds lots of male models and superheroes — but she protests that she never had sex with the Juggernaut. (The She Hulk-Juggernaut hook-up happened in a comic by reviled writer Chuck Austen.) Eventually she discovers that it was actually an alternate universe version of She-Hulk. But not before she hits on Wolverine, and he gives her shit about it. (Click to enlarge.)

In a similar vein, the poor Huntress gets all kinds of shit in Birds Of Prey, after she sleeps with her fellow hero Oracle's ex, and she sleeps with her fellow hero Black Canary's (sorta) step-son Speedy/Arsenal/Red Arrow. Says Black Canary, "Gee, Helena, maybe this would be easier if you'd just tell us who you haven't done the freak dance with?" (Later, Oracle and Canary apologize for slut-shaming Huntress — but not before Huntress has had sex with Josh the parking attendant whom she agreed to date in exchange for help on a mission.)

But Black Canary should totally not talk — she has hooked up with lots of guys during her single days, including the Ray, a teenage superhero whom she, ummm... took under her wing. (DC Comics' editors have since tried to claim the Canary-Ray hookup didn't happen, but it's right there on the page.) Another superhero woman who gets lots of nookie is Tesla Strong, daughter of Tom Strong.

Then there's The Pro, about a sex worker who gets superpowers from the all-powerful Viewer, and joins a thinly veiled parody of the Justice League. She's expelled for profanity, ultra-violence, and for giving the Saint (a Superman rip-off) a blow job.

Heroes Who Cheat:

In the movie The Specials, Ms. Indestructible proves that her sexual ethics aren't indestructible after all, by cheating on her husband the Strobe with his friend, the Weevil. Also, Scott Summers aka Cyclops cheats on his wife, Jean Grey, with the formerly evil Emma Frost — although only psychically, I think. Meanwhile, here's a guy who thinks Jean was looking at Wolverine a little too much — and he's really really really mad about it.

Also, the whole plot of Jay Faerber's Dynamo 5 series revolves around adultery — Captain Dynamo is a beloved protector of his native Tower City. But after he dies, it turns out he's slept with tons of women besides his wife — and he's had five kids by various mothers. Each one of the kids has inherited one of his superpowers, and they all have to team up to save the day.

Sexually transmitted superpowers:

Some superheroes actually get their superpowers in the sack — like the heroes of John Byrne's Next Men, mutants whose powers are triggered when they become sexually active with another superpowered person. (Because the teenagers, grown in a lab, are more innocent, they refer to sex as "dancing." Awww. They "dance" a lot, even after it's given them their superpowers already.)

Also, in OMAC #5, the OMAC nanovirus passes from Mike to Vienna when they hook up, giving her special robo-superpowers. In Alan Moore's Top Ten, there's the S.T.O.R.M.S. sexually transmitted disease, which either kills you or (in rare cases) gives you superpowers.

But my favorite is probably the novel The Bonds Of Love by J.M. Snyder, as described in this review:

Whenever Matt and Vic have sex, super-powers get conferred upon Vic. If you can think of a super-power, Vic has probably already experienced it: the ability to fly, self-heal, teleport, be invisible, or develop immense strength. Some powers are of dubious use: once his bones kept melting away, and he had to call in sick because he couldn't drive a bus with a boneless arm!

It turns out the powers originate with Matt, but he confers them onto Vic. Or something.

Okay, I'm sure I missed some incredibly awesome and obvious examples of superheroes whose booty calls outnumber their calls to adventure. (For one thing, there was an actual comic, Young Heroes In Love, all about superheroes' love lives, but it's a blur to me now.) Who else did I forget?

Thanks to Douglas Wolk, once again, for research help.

Is the rest of the world more ready for depressing ecological dystopias that fail to scare or thrill than the US? That would appear to be the message from this weekend's international movie box office results, where - unlike in the United States - M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening outgrossed rival The Incredible Hulk. But, just like Public Enemy once said, don't believe the hype. There's more to this clash of titans than meets the eye.

While it's true that The Happening made $32.1 million to Hulk's $31 million, Marvel's less-than-jolly green giant actually played in less theaters across the world and in each of those theaters, outperformed Shyamalan's dour eco-drama (The actual numbers: Happening played in 5714 theaters across 88 international markets, while Hulk was shown in 3165 theaters across 38 markets). In countries where both movies opened on the same day, Ed Norton's love letter to Bill Bixby outshone 91 minutes of Mark Wahlberg Vs. Trees on a fairly impressive level:

"The Happening" topped $1 million in 10 markets and scored first places in France with $4.7 million, in Spain with $3.8 million and in Italy with $1.9 million — with no competition from "The Incredible Hulk." It finished third in the U.K. with $3.4 million as "Hulk" easily won with $6.3 million and the third frame of "Sex and the City" took in $3.7 million.

"Hulk" generated socko Mexican biz, with $4.6 million, 86% higher than "The Happening," and Universal's biggest launch ever for that territory. The superhero pic also scored in the booming Russian market with $3.7 million, including U's biggest opening day ever on Thursday.

Universal noted "The Incredible Hulk" had easily outperformed 2003's "Hulk" in markets including South Korea, where it took $3.3 million, 88% up on its predecessor. "Hulk" grossed $113 million overseas by the end of its run. "Incredible Hulk" expands next weekend into Italy and Spain and won't face another superhero pic until Sony opens "Hancock" in early July.

The moral of this story for studio bosses? Perhaps it's "Rushing out your spooky-ooky movies worldwide before the big summer movies get released is a good idea," or maybe it's just "South Koreans apparently really, really wanted to see that new Hulk movie." Nonetheless, look at the combined grosses for the two movies and just imagine how big a movie version of Hulk vs. The Rain would be.

Happening beats Hulk overseas [Variety]

The Avengers:

Could the Hulk be the villain of the Avengers movie? Incredible Hulk director Louis Leterrier thinks so. Just look at Ed Norton's green-eyed evil grin at the end of the Hulk film — he's someone who could potentially enjoy his mayhem a little too much. [Comics2Film]

Wanted:

Here's a new clip from Wanted that cropped up on Entertainment Weekly, involving Angelina Jolie in a giant train crash. [Entertainment Weekly via Comic Book Resources]

Transformers 2:

Want to know what happens in Transformers 2? Do you not care if what you're reading has any conceivable relationship to the truth? Then check out this allegedly leaked treatment for the Transformers sequel, which is probably a fake. In a nutshell, Sam goes to NYU and gets drawn into the world of street racing. And Megatron gets resurrected thanks to Soundwave's "mystic healing" harmonizing his particles. It turns out that Las Vegas' glittery lights were powered by the Allspark, and there's still enough stored Allspark-energy to power Vegas for generations — but the Decepticons and Starscream are coming to claim Vegas' power source for themselves. There's a massive battle for Las Vegas, and specifically the Luxor casino, which is the gateway to the remaining Allspark energy. The U.S. Army tries to trigger an EMP, but fails, and Vegas is trashed. And Sam's girlfriend Mikaela is killed. The movie ends on a downer note, with our heroes in disarray until the third movie... but Mikaela miraculously comes back to life at the last moment. [Scribd via CobaltSS]

G.I. Joe:

UGO has one of its patented spoiler round-ups for the G.I. Joe movie, and this time there's a fair bit of info we haven't reported, maybe because we weren't covering this movie much until recently. The main villains are Destro and Baroness, with Cobra Commander as a shadowy manipulator behind the scenes. Cobra Commander is played by Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, and it's rumored he's General Hawk's best friend and a former G.I. Joe who fell from grace. (He and Hawk went on a mission to stop Destro, and Cobra Commander was scarred horribly and turned evil, the way people do when their faces get scarred.)

The rivalry between the two ninjas, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, forms the heart of the movie — it's rumored they studied with the same sensei and fought for two days without landing a single blade. But Snake Eyes made a mistake and was deafeated, so he went to Brazil and learned a new weapons-free discipline. The evil organization Cobra enlists the aid of the mercenaries known as Dreadnoks, led by Zartan and his brother and sister, Zarana and Zandar. Zandar has the ability to change his skin color to blend in with his surroundings. There's more at the link. [UGO]

The Descent 2:

Here's the first look at the Crawlers from The Descent 2, in which a traumatized Sarah emerges from the caves covered with blood. The police force her to go back into the caves to help them look for her five missing friends, but she starts having flashbacks and remembering more of the horror she endured there, as the group gets closer and closer to getting trapped in the dark with those monsters. [Fangoria]

Battlestar Galactica:

In the remaining 11 Battlestar Galactica episodes, airing next year, we'll see the relationship between Bill Adama and Laura Roslin deepen. And we may get more of a sense that Laura has been grooming Lee Adama as her successor all along, despite their disputes. And Roslin actor Mary McDonnell definitely seems to think they just found Earth. In the rest of the season, she says, "whatever has been complicated becomes more so." [Zap2It]

We haven't seen the real reactions of our characters to their discovery in last Friday's episode yet. "Revelations" and the next episode fit together closely, like a two-parter, and they're meant to be seen a week apart, says writer Jane Espenson. [TV Squad]

Lost:

Actor Cynthia Watros (Libby) accidentally refers to her Lost character as Annie. Was this a slip of the tongue... or did she let slip something by accident? And apparently we may see more of Libby at some point, and have some of our lingering questions answered. [Spoilers Lost]

Heroes:

It turns out Claire isn't the only character on Heroes who's adopted. And the discovery of another adopted character will change... everything! We'll see more of Monica and Nana Dawson (Nichelle Nichols) in episodes focusing on their relationship with Micah. But we probably won't see any more of Claire's beau West. [E! Online]

Chuck:

In the fourth episode of Chuck's second season, an old high-school friend of Sarah's named Heather shows up at the Orange Orange, Sarah's new job. And Heather blurts out Sarah's real name, shocking Chuck, who has fun almost blowing Sarah's cover and finds out more about Sarah's background. Heather is married to another high-school classmate of Sarah's, a nerd who turns out to be more than he seems when Chuck meets him and "flashes" on him.

So Sarah and Chuck have to go undercover at Sarah's high-school reunion, to foil the sales of high-tech bombs to evil Russians. Chuck manages to look like a hero while Casey fumes, and Sarah confronts her high-school demons. Meanwhile, Lester teaches the nerds at Buy More about "friendly negotiations" with customers, with unexpected results. [Chuck TV]

The Middleman:

Says Middleman star Matt Keeslar of upcoming episodes:

We have a Peruvian flying pike that, when it injects its venom into a victim, the victim turns into a trout-craving zombie. We have several different aliens from different planets. From one planet they happen to look like people on Earth who have had a lot of plastic surgery. From another planet they're a boy band. From another planet they embody a 14-year-old. And then there are, of course, other more fantasy-type characters, like an ancient terra cotta warrior who comes back to life to find and bring the heir to the Xing Dynasty to the underworld.

Just a wild guess, but I think he meant Qing Dynasty, not Xing. [Comic Book Resources]

1. Hyde is locked into a battle of wills with Jekyll.
What was missing from this version of Hulk, but not from many of the best comic books about him (including the recent and superlative Planet Hulk series), was a sense that Hulk hates Bruce as much as Bruce hates him. As Charlie pointed out in her review, this Hulk was too emo and dejected. He never challenges Bruce's right to take back his body, and never complains about how Bruce maligns him. Basically, we needed this Hulk to have more psychological complexity.

2. Hyde has goals.
We know as the Incredible Hulk flick starts that Bruce has been Hulking out for five whole years. And yet when Hulk comes out, he can barely talk and just rampages randomly. He hasn't developed any ideas of his own over the past five years? We know what Bruce wants, but what does Hulk want? The thing that's great about Hyde in the Robert Louis Stevenson novella, as well as the countless subsequent movies, is that Hyde has a plan. He wants to kill people who remind him of his monstrous status sometimes, but at other times he wants to drink, party, and make out with hookers. He's a bad boy who can't stand Jekyll's nice, upper-crusty doctor. The only time we ever know what Hulk wants is at the very end of the movie when he yells "Hulk smash!" Good, Hulk, good. You've expressed an opinion. Now we want more of that.

3. Hyde embraces evil.
Nearly every version of the Hyde tale, from the 1950s Kirk Douglas version to the 1990s Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde version with Sean Young, has the big guy embracing darkness. One possible exception is in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic books, where Hyde is something like Hulk was in Planet Hulk — a dark superhero for a dark task. Hulk has embraced evil in his time too, though generally he just wants to be left alone. But why not, for the purposes of this movie, fill out Hulk's character by having him flirt with evil?

4. Jekyll bears some responsibility for creating Hyde.
Perhaps the most bothersome aspect of the Hulk movie was that Bruce was so nice and upstanding. (And as I've already said, his Hulk was totally emo.) Even though he helped invent the scary juice that brought out his Hulk side, he's somehow been duped into it by the military? What? Does that even make sense? I mean, he knows he's working for the military. He knows the military makes weapons. What the hell does he think they are after, anyway? In the Jekyll/Hyde mythos, Jekyll bears full responsibility for letting loose his inner demons on London. He's whipped up this serum and takes it, exactly like Bruce does. So why don't we get more of Bruce angsting over how he basically turned himself in a super soldier? What I'm really asking for here is more development of Bruce's character. OK, so he's some kind of semi-ninja who knows how to evade authorities and slip from Mexico into the U.S. But doesn't he feel guilty for what he's done, too? Can't we get a little soul-searching, here?

5. Jekyll and Hyde make up two parts of a whole.
One of the reasons why the Jekyll/Hyde mythos has endured to this day is that it's easy for audiences to understand how Hyde is the dark side of Jekyll. Dr. Jekyll is a kindly person, usually a guy who wants to help the poor and leads a respectable middle-class life among other bourgeois types. Hyde is clearly his repressed Id: he's greedy, filled with hate and lust, and wants only to exploit the vulnerable for amusement. But what exactly is Hulk in the Incredible Hulk? Is he Bruce's repressed rage? His repressed excitement? What? I'm not asking for the whole problematic Ang Lee "my dad was mean" subplot — I'm just asking to get a sense that Bruce had the Hulk in him even before the experiments and gamma poisoning. I love Ed Norton and I know the guy can act up a storm, but honestly I got more feeling for the character of the mad scientist who helps Bruce de-Hulkify before getting dosed with gamma blood and starting to become the Leader.

The whole point of Hulk comics, and what makes them such compelling reading, is that Hulk is a character study. Sure, he's all about the SMASH, but he's also about human psychology. Just like Jekyll and Hyde are. If Hulk is to go down in cinematic history the way Hyde has, he's going to have to grow a psyche and fast. Pages from the Incredible Hulk #368, by Peter David.

In its second weekend, Batman Begins only lost about 44 percent of its box office take, compared with a 63 percent drop-off for Batman And Robin. (And Superman Returns had a 58.5 percent drop-off.) So a lot depends, for the Hulk, on word-of-mouth and reviews. Can the Hulk crush Maxwell Smart this weekend? Few reviewers seem to be saying the Hulk is as great as Batman Begins, and it's possible most of the die-hard fans have seen TIH already. My guess is Hulk will end up doing almost as well as Superman Returns, which is nothing to sneeze at.

The other big surprise success of the weekend was M. Night Shyamalan's much-maligned The Happening, which scored $30.3 million, better than Unbreakable and Lady In The Water. The film will probably make back its $50 million budget, but its success may just hasten the slow death of Shyamalan's career, if the people who saw it decide never to brave one of his movies again. [Box Office Prophets and Box Office Mojo]

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So, first we have Incredible Hulk director Louis Letterier saying that we "might see" Captain America in the new Hulk movie, then we hear that that scene's been cut from the theatrical release. Now we have the movie's producer telling us that Captain America is in the theatrical version of the movie after all... sort of.

According to Latino Review's interview with The Incredible Hulk's producer, Gale Anne Hurd, there's a version of Captain America in the new movie, it's just that it's not an entirely human version:

LatinoReview: What was Louis talking about when he said Captain America was in the film?

Hurd: He didn't really mean the character of Captain America, unless there's something that I don't know. It's the serum.

LatinoReview: I felt that there was a presence around the film of Captain America, and not that you actually see him.

Hurd: Exactly.

LatinoReview: Is Captain America in the frozen tundra? Cause on the trailer we see Banner walking on the tundra and I wanted to know if Captain America was in that scene or not?

Hurd: Captain America was not visible in that scene.

LatinoReview: There was a lot of talk because you do see the Captain America shield in 'Iron Man'

Hurd: Right. Well we do have the serum. If you look at the movie again you'll see that the serum is Captain America.

May I be the first to say "Oh, bullshit." The serum is the cameo that Letterier was touting? Seriously? Either this is some kind of cover-up for something that wasn't supposed to be leaked ahead of time, Letterier is astoundingly literal (I mean, sure, the serum makes him Captain America, but does that really make the serum itself Cap?), or Hurd is just dancing around hoping that everyone'll stop asking the question.

One thing's for sure: Looks like we have confirmation that the Marvel movies are following the Ultimate line of comics in terms of backstory... Maybe this means we'll get a movie version of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends after all.

Exclusive: Gale Anne Hurd Talks Hulk, No Captain America [Latino Review]

If Iron Man was about America's power overseas — specifically in Afghanistan, where much of the movie takes place — then the Incredible Hulk is about what happens to our soldiers when they come home. It's about the impossibility of transforming young men into "super-soldiers" and then expecting them to blend back in. Banner is on a hair-trigger not just because he's pissed off, but because he's traumatized by being under attack and on the run — and because military-sponsored experiments have made him fit only for battle. The whole movie is about Banner's rejection of his fighting-machine identity, and his fight against Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth), who embraces that same identity.

Actually, the new Hulk movie reminded me of nothing so much as Kimberly Peirce's underrated film Stop Loss — both in its depictions of post-traumatic stress, and in the frustrating opaqueness of its actors' performances. Stop Loss dramatizes over and over again how the Iraq war has left a group of soldiers basically unfit for civilian life. They hear gunfire everywhere, they jump at anything, they get fucked up and destroy private property, and they get into fights. In the end, the only environment they're suited for is one where people are constantly trying to kill them. PTSD isn't just an injury to the psyche, it's actually a feature of the constant readiness for shit to go down. PTSD is part of what makes you a better killer.

The idea that PTSD plays a role in Bruce's struggle with Hulkdom is nothing new. In the early Hulk comics, Bruce Banner is repressing tons of unfocused rage, which explodes out of him when he becomes the Hulk. But starting in the early 1980s, writers like Bill Mantlo and Peter David started exploring the idea that Bruce was really struggling with a lot of childhood trauma (from his abusive dad) and this was making him have multiple personalities. (The Hulk being a separate personality that just happens to be able to manifest physically.) And then, of course, Ang Lee decided to take the "abusive dad" backstory and make it into the front-story of his 2003 movie — with disastrous results.

One reason I can buy that Bruce Banner is traumatized, rather than full of repressed anger, is that Ed Norton doesn't seem repressed at all. He seems constantly pissed off and yet wounded at the same time. Sure, we spend a lot of time on his various efforts to control his anger — everything from a metronome to a cute dog — but the main emotion Norton projects is pain and frustration. His Banner is Jesus and Buddha rolled into one — he meditates a lot, he wanders through South America, homeless and scruffy, depending on alms, and he learns purely defensive martial arts so he can avoid having to fight.

We learn early on in the movie that Banner became the Hulk as part of a military experiment to create a new generation of "super-soldiers" — like the boy-scouty Captain America but a zillion times more destructive — and Banner was an early failure. The military wants to capture him so they can experiment on him and make better killers. But Bruce Banner isn't interested in becoming the ultimate killing machine — and that's why the military hates him.

This is a significant departure from the comics, where the military attacks the Hulk because he's constantly going on rampages and endangering innocent people. The comics stick pretty closely to the Godzilla paradigm: the Hulk is a giant monster, and the army has to try and stop him. He Hulks out for all sorts of reasons, and things get ugly when he does. In the movie, by contrast, Banner never, ever turns into the Hulk except when the army attacks him. If the army would just leave him alone, we're told in no uncertain terms, things would be fine.

And the Hulk isn't a particularly great killing machine, even apart from the fact that he only Hulks out when you fire a rocket launcher at him. He pretty much only fights in self defence in this movie, and never just goes on a tear. Even in his totally apeshit Hulk mode, he's pretty happy to live and let live. And he's mopey as often as he's angry — I lost count of how many times the Hulk looked sad, or tired, or just sort of emo, in the new movie. That's not to say the Hulk doesn't get super-violent in the new movie — he does, as you've probably seen in the trailers. He does the thunderclap-hands, he smashes a sonic-weapon truck, he rips a car in half and uses it as brass knuckles, etc.

So the military wants to turn the Hulk into a weapon, and make a ton of slightly more intelligent Hulks, to go and thrash anybody who fucks with America. The army, as personified by William Hurt's General "Thunderbolt" Ross and Roth's Blonsky, are green with envy (sorry) when they look at the Hulk. They don't see a menace to be vanquished, they see a world-beating ubermensch that could be them. And there are various moments when both Ross and Blonsky express disdain for Banner's pacifism and disgust at his unwillingness to revel in his power.

And it's not much of a spoiler that Blonsky embarks on a quest to turn himself into the Hulk's equal. There's a weirdly unconvincing scene, after the Hulk first trounces Blonsky's soldiers, where he's talking with General Ross. Blonsky remarks on the fact that Ross sent his team in cold, without telling them what they would be facing, and didn't equip them for the situation they were going into. The next logical statement ought to be, "so screw you and your suicide missions." Instead, Blonsky gets a twinkle in his eye and says he'd like another crack at the Hulk. And that's when Ross offers Blonsky his first shot at becoming a super-soldier himself.

About the only character development Blonsky gets is when we learn that he's at an age where he should have a desk job, but he just wants to keep fighting. The only thing he's good at is mayhem, and he wants to stick to what he knows. He's willing to pay the price — including some hideously painful injections, and a full-body fracture at one point — to keep kicking ass. The contrast between Blonsky's masochism and Banner's anguished trauma shows us the difference between a man who embraces his inner murderer, and one who rejects it.

There are two meta-issues that are hard to ignore when you're watching The Incredible Hulk. Ang Lee's Hulk movie only came out five years ago, and the new movie sort of acknowledges this by saying that Banner has been the Hulk for five years. It also retells the Hulk's origin very briskly in the opening credits, making some changes from the Lee version but mostly just establishing the basics. The other big meta-issue is the fight between star/co-writer Ed Norton and Marvel over the movie's edit. I went into the film thinking Marvel had probably saved us from a tedious angst-fest by slicing some of Norton's favorite scenes out of the movie, but then I was struck by how weirdly choppy it was in parts. I saw the film with someone who hadn't heard about the dispute, and she remarked afterwards that it felt as though some crucial scenes were edited out. (In particular, Betty Ross (Liv Tyler) ditches her boyfriend to go off with Bruce, and it's never dealt with. We never even see the two of them talk about it at all. There are also a few individual scenes which feel jumpy.) I have a feeling the Ed Norton cut might actually be a lot more satisfying and interesting. And as fun as it is, TIH might be worth waiting to see on DVD, if your TV is big enough.

It's almost impossible to avoid comparing the Hulk to Iron Man: they're both about a guy who creates super-weapons and feels remorse. They both feature heroes whose bodies become the ultimate weapons. And they both show their main actors shirtless for long stretches as they obsess about their hearts — though Ed Norton is trying to keep his heart from speeding up, and Robert Downey Jr. is trying to keep his heart from stopping. Both heroes try to prevent anybody else from wielding the weapons they've created. And they both end up fighting an enemy who's similar to them, but more ruthless and bloodthirsty.

There are a few big differences between Iron Man and Incredible Hulk, though: Iron Man is more fun. (Iron Man has a heavy-metal score, I can barely remember Hulk's score but it was pretty standard orchestral music.) Iron Man is fairly pro-military and includes a sympathetic military character, Jim Rhodes, while the military characters in Hulk are pretty much all assholes. Iron Man transcends its comic book source material, while Hulk does justice to its comics origins without improving on them. Hulk has more random fuck-yeah moments than Iron Man, and they feel a bit more calculated — but that doesn't stop them being awesome. Bottom line: Hulk is better than 90 percent of superhero movies, but not as good as Batman Begins, Iron Man, Spider-Man 1 or 2, or the first two X-Men movies.

Created both as a primer to bring new moviegoing fans up to date with the character's status in the comics and also as an introduction to this week's Skaar, Son of Hulk series, the digital comic - Sorry, people who hate the shitty Flash-based interface of Marvel's official digital comic site - does its best to quickly run through the last couple of years of Hulk comics in ten pages, telling you all you need to know about how the best laid plans of Iron Man and Mr. Fantastic resulted in the destruction of a planet and getting their asses kicked by grumpy aliens as a result. Sure, you miss out on the subtlety and explosions for the most part, but that's the kind of thing that you have to pay money for.

Hulk Saga [Marvel.com]

Incredible Hulk:

Some new clips from Incredible Hulk went up at IGN, and here they are — including a fair bit of new footage. [IGN]

Transformers 2:

Is Optimus Prime in mourning? Apparently the Transformers 2 shooting just included a scene at Laurel Hill Cemetery in Fairmount Park, PA, where Optimus himself was hanging out. [Seibertron]

The Dark Knight:

Here's a new The Dark Knight TV spot, which reveals that some kids are annoying in the film. And the Joker makes a weird "Hmm" noise.

The Happening:

Here's a spoilery review of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening. Bits of new information include the fact that the mass suicides start in New York's Central Park. And then a ton of construction workers jump off a high-rise. And the convoluted scientific explanation for what's going on starts emerging pretty early in the movie, mostly through long speeches by Marky Mark and an eccentric nursery owner. Marky Mark and friends stay on the run, trying to avoid the wave of suicides — and at one point, they're in a field trying to outrun the wind, and things get silly. [Fangoria]

And there are some new clips from The Happening at this link. [MovieWeb]

Hancock:

A new TV spot for Will Smith's Hancock highlights the part of the movie that makes me uneasy: the whole god-who-can't-go-near-Charlize-Theron subplot. Hancock is becoming mortal! [Worst Previews]

Star Wars: Clone Wars:

Some new Star Wars: Clone Wars desktop patterns show a new look at Obi-Wan, Ahsoka and Anakin. Plus, cute.

Doctor Who:

Here's a sneak peek from Saturday's new Doctor Who episode, the first to be written by showrunner Russell T. Davies since the series premiere. [Spoiler TV]

Lost:

I don't know if you care what Lost star Jorge Garcia thinks is going to happen next, but it sounds pretty great to me. Garcia predicts his character Hurley will have lots of buddy-comedy road-trip adventures with Sayid, who picked him up from the sanitarium in the season finale. (I would totally watch that.) And Garcia thinks the show will end with a fight over the island between different groups that lay claim to it. [E! Online]

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles:

Here's the first pic of Garbage singer Shirley Manson on the set of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, where she plays a software mogul. [Legion Of Geek]

Smallville:

Lois will only appear in 13 episodes — give or take a couple — of Smallville season eight. [TV Guide]

Chuck:

The episode ominously titled "Chuck Vs. The Breakup" will introduce a new agent named Juliette, who's 27 years old and looks ethereal, like one of the elves from Lord Of The Rings. But she's all business. The episode also features the leader of a Columbian cartel and Hans, a scary Nordic man. [TV Squad]

Spectacular Spider-Man:

Spider-Man fights Venom at last in the Spectacular Spider-Man finale. Here are some pics! Am I on crack, or does the middle one look sort of Miyazawa-esque?

This summer's superheroic vows of chastity:

Okay, now that you've consented to be spoiled, our two abstinent heroes are the Hulk and Hancock. Actually, in the case of Hancock, it's not strictly true that he can't have sex — according to early screening reports, he simply has to be very, very careful where, and how, he ejaculates. In one scene from Hancock (which had the original title of Tonight, He Comes) Hancock has brought a cute young thing back to his trailer, and they're getting busy. But then Hancock gets close to his climax, and warns the woman to back way, way up. Hancock gets off — and we see his semen riddle his ceiling with holes, almost like bullet holes. (Comics afficionados will not be surprised to learn this scene is ripped off from a Garth Ennis comic.)

As for the Hulk, there's a scene in Friday's new movie where Bruce Banner is in a motel room with Betty. They start to do what the young people do in motel rooms, and Bruce's heart-rate monitor gets more and more bleepy. His heart is pounding with the excitement of making out with a vacant-eyed Liv Tyler, it's too much for him, he's losing his shit, he's going to, oh my god, he's going to... he's going to... Bruce pulls away from Betty just in time to keep from becoming the Hulk. Yes, he can't get sexually aroused without Hulking out. (And I am not going to make any jokes about whether you would like him when he's horny. I'm better that that.)

A digression: Can the Hulk really not get laid?

I'll get to the list of other sexually frustrated heroes in a second. Since I've read almost every Hulk comic ever published (except I admit Bruce Jones lost me after a while) I should stick in a little dissertation about the Hulk's sexual history. Can the comics version of the Hulk really never have sex? We know that the Hulk is Incredibly, perhaps Unfeasibly, well-hung, because the Hulk gets naked in Incredible Hulk #400 and his arch-enemy The Leader remarks on how well-endowed he is. But it's strongly implied, during the "gray Hulk" period, that the gray Hulk — who's working as a Las Vegas leg-breaker — is getting laid on a fairly regular basis.

Bruce and Betty have sex at least twice that I can think of. Once when they first get married, after Bruce has been "cured" of being the Hulk (so there's no danger of Bruce Hulking out.) And once when Bruce gets his pathology backwards, so he's either a peaceful Hulk or a savage, rampaging puny human. In his "savage Banner" form, Betty has sex with him and this calms him down.

There's also the famous sequence in Hulk #300, where the Hulk has gone completely berzerk and Bruce's influence is all gone. The Hulk is trashing New York, and Eros, "the creepiest Avenger" tries to subdue the Hulk using his psychic abilities to generate "waves of pleasure." He learns the hard way that you shouldn't try to pleasure the Hulk in the middle of his rampage. Still more evidence, I guess, that the Hulk and sex don't usually mix. Unless he's gray.

(Update: Commenters have pointed out that the Hulk hooked up with Caiera The Oldstrong in Planet Hulk, the greatest Hulk storyline ever. But she's an alien who's almost impervious to most harm, so it's slightly different.)

I can't have sex, or I'll steal your powers/life/money:

Poor Rogue from the X-men. She's got the cool Susan Sontag hair, and the leather jumpsuit, and the hot boyfriend... but she can never touch anyone. Whenever she does touch another person, she absorbs their memories, strength and physical abilities. She also steals people's superpowers with her touch. She's tragically untouchable. The sexual frustration is so horrendous, it drives her to get rid of her powers in X-Men 3.

I can't have sex because I'm a robot, with non-functioning sex parts:

Beautie is one of the members of the Honor Guard, one of the main superhero teams in Astro City, Kurt Busiek's fictional superhero town. She's always looked like a Barbie doll, but we've never known much about the robot girl — until Busiek published the Astro City Character Special: Beautie last February. There, we see some "pick-up artists" try to hit on Beautie, only to be told that she has no genitalia. None whatsoever.

Other robot or cyborg superheroes who can't have sex include Robotman from the Doom Patrol and Vic Stone aka Cyborg from the Teen Titans. But this isn't true for all robo-heroes, as Star Trek's Data would tell us. The hordes of comic book sex-perverts are pretty certain that the Vision, the android member of the Avengers, did in fact get it on with the Scarlet Witch when the two of them were married.

I can't have sex because my super-strength will end you: