Assassinated in the Act

The Jennifer Morgue by Charles Stross: Some people have a monkey on their back; Ramona Random has a succubus. If Ramona doesn’t have sex, the demon gnaws at her mind. If she does have sex, it devours her partner. It makes her questionable girlfriend material, but a highly effective assassin.

Goldeneye: Bond henchwomen often use their seductive powers to get what they want, and what Xenia Onatopp wants is a good orgasm. Unfortunately for her partners, she nothing brings Xenia to ecstasy quite like squeezing a man to death between her powerful gams.

Worshipping the Queen of Sheba (American Gods by Neil Gaiman): Bilquis, an incarnation of the Queen of Sheba, doesn’t get loving any more from the worshippers who once prayed to her and held sexy fertility rites in her temples. So she maintains her power the best way she knows how: by posing as a prostitute, having sex with her johns, and promptly devouring them with her vagina. Judging by the screams of ecstasy, it’s not an entirely unpleasant way to go.

Getting it on with Alien-Possessed Women

Torchwood “Day One”: Cardiff is ground zero for alien mischief, so when a beautiful woman leads you into the bathroom for some anonymous love, stay on your toes. She might have a fetish for sexy time in the stalls, but she might also be possessed by an alien gas that wants to suck the sperm – and all the energy – from your body.

The Outer Limits “Caught in the Act”: Chaste Hannah wants to wait until marriage before going all the way with her boyfriend Jay. When an alien lifeform takes control of Hannah’s body, premarital abstinence flies quickly out the window as she starts seducing every man on campus. But this isn’t sexual liberation; it’s a hunger for man-meat that goes way beyond genitalia. When Jay starts tailing his suddenly unfaithful love, he discovers that she’s absorbing men into her body during the act.

Death by Snoo Snoo (Futurama “Amazon Women in the Mood”): After all the men died out on Amazonia, the Amazon women devised a method of punishing male trespassers that fulfills the needs of the hetero sex-starved population: Snoo Snoo. Evidently, dying of a crushed pelvis only sounds like fun.

Alien Sex Vampires

Liquid Sky: The aliens who land on the roof of artist Margaret’s loft find human endorphins especially tasty. Initially, they’re content to nibble on the endorphins released during heroin use, but they quickly learn that the orgasmic variety is far more satisfying. So they start murdering Margaret’s partners at the height of their sexual pleasure, leaving Margaret behind to deliver avant-garde monologues in her neon makeup.

Lifeforce: When a beautiful naked woman found imprisoned in the tale of Hailey’s Comet crawls on top of you and starts kissing you wildly, it’s probably not because she thinks you’re neat. It’s much more likely that she’s searching for a convenient orifice through which to suck out your soul, leaving you a desiccated, undead ghoul.

Angel “Lonely Hearts”: Angel & Co. hunt down a demon that kills its host when close to another naked body. But it’s not looking to snag its host’s energy; it’s just leaping from body to body during sex, looking for the perfect body to inhabit forever.

Having Sex with Your Proxy Self (Kaiba): In a future where memories can be stored, traded, and implanted in someone else, having sex with someone who shares your memories can be a form of near-masturbation. But the experience is so intense that it can make your head (and the rest of your body) explode.

Death by Rapid Pregnancy

Fringe “The Same Old Story”: When you’re a human specially designed for rapid aging, and your sperm is similarly designed, it’s best to use protection when sleeping with a fertile female partner. But even condoms fail from time to time, and those rapidly gestating pregnancies tend to kill the mother.

Species II: The same rules apply to men infected with alien DNA. Female alien hybrids can handle nine months’ worth of pregnancy occurring in the span of a few minutes. Female humans just don’t have the wombs for it.

Magically Boinked to Death

Dresden Files: Storm Front by Jim Butcher: When Harry Dresden is sent to investigate a pair of lovers whose hearts exploded in the act, he comes across a wizard who draws his energy from sex and lust. The wizard sent his target a coital heart attack, and her unfortunate partner got his own dose of cardiac overload.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer “Where the Wild Things Are”: Buffy and Riley’s repeated and enthusiastic lovemaking literally wakes the dead, freeing a crew of sexually repressed poltergeists. Once freed, the poltergeists try to ensure that they’ll have a steady supply of sexual energy by getting Buffy and Riley to continue their round-the-clock shtupping until they die of exhaustion. Fortunately, the rest of the Scoobies come to the rescue with a spell to pry the lovers apart, at least temporarily.

Kryptonite Condom (Wanted by Mark Millar): Perhaps taking a cue from Mallrats’ speculation on how Clark Kent and Lois Lane might copulate, supervillain Professor Seltzer once devised a kryptonite condom to take down his own Superman-like nemesis. Apparently, the hero’s girlfriend never quite got the radioactive rubber on him, leaving us to wonder whether a kryptonite diaphragm would have been more effective.

The Classic Coital Coronary

Star Trek: New Frontier: Vulcans are known for their remarkable stoicism, which breaks down spectacularly every seven years during an individual’s pon farr, during which a maddened Vulcan must mate or perish. But not every Vulcan has the constitution for the intense consummation. The Vulcan Voltak had a heart attack while between the sheets with his new wife, Enterprise Dr. Selar, leaving Selar widowed and throwing off her pon farr cycle.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine “Let He Who Is Without Sin…”: Curzon was a great diplomat and a notorious womanizer. So it’s apt that he irreparably strained himself with attempting the sexual ritual of jamaharon on the pleasure planet of Risa, although he didn’t give up the ghost (or, in this case, the symbiont) until several days later.

The X-Files “Gender Bender”: The alien Kindred lead a life of quiet isolation in a rural Massachusetts community. But when one of the Kindred ventures into the outside world, their intense alien pheromones both attract a constant stream of willing partners and give them coronaries in the throes of passion.

The Tick “The Funeral”: Many superheroes hope to go out in a blaze of glory, felled by some worthy opponent. Famed superhero the Immortal meets his fate on a mattress in Captain Liberty’s apartment, felled by her vagina. Although judging from the pending paternity suits, he died pretty much how he lived.

Powers “Little Deaths”: Philandering superhero Olympia has a similar exit, albeit accompanied by a literal blaze of glory. His alter ego's wife commits suicide over the ensuing tabloid coverage, but the woman who was on top of him at the time gets half a million dollars for the TV movie rights.

• Barbarella: This movie was all about sex, from the opening credits where Jane Fonda strips down in zero gravity, to her encounter with Dr. Durand Durand's sex organ called "The Excessive Machine." Which is basically a piano that plays with your genitalia. It's supposed to kill her, but of course Barbarella breaks it, oh my. She also has super-sci fi sex in pill form, which manages to curl her hair a bit. There's even a character named Dildano, in case you had any doubts about all the sex.

• 
  
• Demolition Man: This movie has a scene where Sylvester Stallone gets it on with Sandra Bullock's character through some high-tech sex helmets. You put them on and "think" about sex, so no bodily fluids are exchanged. That way you can do the nasty and stay "pure." Thankfully, it saves us from seeing them writhing around in bed together. A sad Stallone retires to his apartment to knit (no joke), but he gets a wrong number video phone call, so you can still see some boobies. He probably wrote that scene in himself.

• 
  
• Liquid Sky: In this 1982 cult-classic, fashion model Margaret has a troupe of tiny aliens following her around and sucking up the endorphins released by the people she has sex with, because that's where they get their fuel from. Must make finding a service station a bit rough. She has trouble hiding the ever-growing body count until the aliens help her out and start vaporizing them for her. Where else could you get a line like, "I bet you $300 I can fuck Margaret and not die!" spoken by a woman?

• 
  
• Battlestar Galactica: There's a lot of sex going on in this show, because apparently Cylons are equipped with a horny circuit that's been switched into overdrive. Except for that short, balding guy. We've never seen him try to do the deed. Plus, Cylon's spines glow red during sex, which you think would make detecting them a bit easier than the iffy blood-test solution that Baltar comes up with. Plus, Starbuck gets strapped down and has an ovary removed in a Cylon reproduction farm, which means they're just having sex for the fun of it.

  
  

• Moonraker: James Bond ventures into outer space, has slow-motion fights with laser beams and while wearing a spacesuit, manages to turn Jaws into a good guy, and also gets down with some zero gravity action with Dr. Holly Goodhead. The film's effects are pretty laughable at this point (the space shuttle has LASER BEAMS, for god's sake), but that sex scene made it all worth it when you were ten years old. Plus Q gets off a good one-liner at the end when the Prime Minister video calls Bond to congratulate him and they sex him and Dr. Goodhead floating naked under some silvery space sheets. M says, "What's he doing?!" And Q, staring at a flight path quips "I think he's attempting re-entry!" Zing.

• 
  
• Species: Scientists get a message from the stars in this film, and it sounds suspiciously like spam. "Free unlimited fuel now! Ask me how!" They follow the instructions, which involve splicing human DNA with alien DNA, and it gives birth to... Natasha Henstridge. She escapes into the wild with her supermodel good looks, and the fact that she changed her haircut. What a disguise. Even one of the scientists assigned to track her down doesn't recognize her, and they have sex. She's like Clark Kent with that damn hair. Anyhow, she's hot, struts around naked, and doesn't hesitate to kill people who get in her way.

  
  

• Demon Seed: This 1977 film featured a sentient computer named Proteus that also controlled every aspect of the house that his creator's wife lived in. As he begins to go HAL-style crazy, he tells the good doctor's wife that he just wants to have a child, and she agrees! There's some cyborg/robo sex going on, which has to be seen to be believed, including the robot's line "If you prick me, do I not leak?" If your house starts pleasing you sexually, it's either time to move, or to re-appraise your property.

• Sleeper: In this Woody Allen film, Allen mistakenly gets put into cryogenic freeze and wakes up 200 years in the future, where all men have been rendered impotent, except those of Italian descent. Orgasmatron booths are popular destinations, where instead of making a phone call you get off, and "intoxication orbs" are passed around at parties, which appear to make the holder experience sexual bliss. Sounds like a decent future to me, thank god my great-grandmother was Italian.

  

• 
  

Famous names: Anne Carlisle, Slava Tsukerman

Crunchy goodness: 3

Stunt casting: Film scribe Anne Carlisle plays both the hot lady model, as well as a man who is obsessed with her.

Copycat: Every single aliens-and-sex-soaked episode of Russell T. Davies' Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood is pretty much a rehash of this movie, minus the good music and New Wave future.

Life lesson: Don't have sex with chicks who say, "I kill with my cunt."

Review at BadMovies.org