The Argument For Being Genuinely Optimistic About Batman V. Superman

I'm not being sarcastic. Despite my previous comments and constant unease regarding DC's future cinematic endeavors, I have tried to make the case why there are many reasons to look forward to these movies, and even more reasons to hope. Seriously, this is a Batman V. Superman-criticism-free zone. Read on if you… » 7/09/14 8:11am 7/09/14 8:11am

​When Game Of Thrones Runs Out Of Book Material, What's Next?!

Hey, post fans! You know, I love answering all your letters, but I actually have a question for you guys: Where the hell do all these tigers keep coming from? I understand seeing a tiger or two in an abandoned city, presumably from the zoo. But I've passed like 18 tigers in the last week alone. Please, stop with all… » 6/25/14 9:05am 6/25/14 9:05am

The Math Formula That Determines Whether You Love Or Hate Adaptations

Greetings, mail parasites. Sorry if I'm in a bad mood, it's just been a tough week here in the vague post-apocalypse. Food is scare, the cannibal mutants aren't, and I just remembered it's been 38 years since I last saw a Game of Thrones book. NO SPOILERS PAST BOOK 9, A SOCIETY OF PSYCHOPATHS, PLEASE. » 6/18/14 8:20am 6/18/14 8:20am

​Why There's No Goddamn Point In Ever Making An American Akira Movie

Greetings, letter-writers of the past! I'm doing pretty well, myself. I found this new village where they have some local lottery. I assume they don't give out cash, since society has fallen and all, but I entered it,hoping for some good prizes. We all drew slips this morning, and mine had a black dot... » 6/11/14 8:05am 6/11/14 8:05am

Are Dr. Strange And Magic Too Weird For The Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Goddammit, summer has started here in the post-apocalypse, and it already sucks. You know how I know civilization has collapsed? Because only two things make a civilized society: air conditioners and technology that lets you avoid walking up stairs, like elevators and escalators. Everything else is just gravy. » 6/04/14 8:05am 6/04/14 8:05am

​Dear Woman-Hating Comic Store Employees: Eat A Bowl Of Shit

Sorry to use a picture from The Big Bang Theory — especially since I don't know if this comic book store-running character is actually awful or not — but since he appears to be staring at his customer's breasts, it seemed a decent bet that it would be appropriately representative for our first letter. Now on with the… » 5/28/14 8:05am 5/28/14 8:05am

One Of These Star Wars Characters Is Going To Die (Probably)

Before you freak out: I have no special information about the Star Wars sequels. I merely have an educated guess about what might occur, and thus my headline is in no way an Episode VII spoiler. Unless I'm right. Which we won't know until the movie comes out. At which point it will no longer be a spoiler. Paradox! » 5/07/14 8:06am 5/07/14 8:06am

Why Is Zack Snyder The Only Director Of The DC Cinematic Universe?

Greetings, dear readers! I regret to inform you that the price of stamps is going up yet again. I know it feel like I — I mean we, the totally real U.S. Postal Service — just raised them, but our costs are unfortunately still rising. Mainly bullets. Bullets and food. It's the post-apocalypse out here people. You can… » 4/30/14 8:03am 4/30/14 8:03am

​Why Bitching About Children's Cartoons Is Such A Noble Pursuit

We have a very special mail column today, in that it is slightly different from my other mail columns! I hope you don't mind. If you do, I'm a still a fake mailman in the future being chased by rogue armies, post-apocalyptic thugs, and god knows what else. I have bigger problems than your feelings. » 4/16/14 8:33am 4/16/14 8:33am

​What Would Happen If Disney Bought DC Comics?

April Fool's Day is over, and thank goodness. Every year there's some asshole claiming that there's a new U.S. government, or someone found a way to turn the electricity back on, or that the motorcycle barbarians have gone back to Australia. So annoying! Admittedly, I lie about being a mailman all the time, but at… » 4/02/14 8:12am 4/02/14 8:12am

​Could The Star Wars Sequels Be Worse Than The Prequels? Absolutely.

Did I tell you guys that after the apocalypse happened, magic returned to Earth? Yeah, it's pretty wild! One day I was stopping in a town on my mail route and then this guy told me to pick a card and put it back in the deck without him seeing. And he still knew what it was! It was crazy! Also, I'm pretty sure there… » 3/26/14 8:02am 3/26/14 8:02am

​Who Would Be The Worst Green Lantern In The Universe?

Greetings, all! You know I'm writing to you guys from the future, right? I don't know how it works, since I'm a fake mailman and not a quantum physicist. Doesn't matter. What matters is could one of you maybe bury a big box of booze, guns, and porn by the oak tree three miles north of Portland? I'm, uh, asking for a… » 3/19/14 8:30am 3/19/14 8:30am

Why do comics always use the same old mythologies?

Full non-Postman disclosure: Because of a delayed flight, a three-hour midnight drive across my home state, a hotel room fire alarm choosing 4:00 am to start warning of its low battery and the subsequent 20-minute disappearance of the front desk staff, I'm running on three hours of sleep. If I sound incoherent or… » 3/12/14 8:20am 3/12/14 8:20am

Where the hell are all the great female supervillains?

So the other day, I run into this guy in a weird uniform. He tells me he found an abandoned milk truck with a body inside, so he took the clothes, and now he's masquerading as The Milk Man, and trying to unite the disparate peoples of the post-apocalypse by reminding them of the milk service America used to provide.… » 3/05/14 8:23am 3/05/14 8:23am