Rare Exports Inc., a short Finnish film, explains the startling origins behind the legions of mall Santas found across the globe.

Note: Video contains Santa nudity and is thus NSFW.

And its sequel offers instructions for the safe care and handling of your Father Christmas.

And now the notion of Santa as cryptid is getting a feature length treatment. It looks like next December, we'll be seeing a full-length Rare Exports, but the teaser shows something scrawnier and meaner than jolly old Saint Nick. Is this the sinister stuff Father Christmases are made of, or Santa's vicious companion Krampus?

[via Twitch]

BBC has started running their annual Christmas identifications. Although this doesn't offer any clues to the Tenth Doctor's exit, we do get a fun moment with David Tennant playing Santa Claus:

Blogtor Who has nabbed some nice stills from the promo as well.

BBC Christmas Ident [Blogtor Who]
Additional reporting by Josh Snyder.

“The Best Christmas Ever” by James Patrick Kelly: The last man on Earth tends to get depressed about his post-apocalyptic existence. So Aunty Em, one of the biops tasked with keeping him company, tries to cheer him up by having Christmas. But the only thing the last man wants for Christmas is a gun.

“The Star” by Arthur C. Clarke: An expedition to a far off star system discovers that the first Christmas was itself apocalyptic. The Star of Bethlehem shone so brightly on the night Jesus was born because it had gone supernova long before, killing all the inhabitants of an orbiting planet. That God would kill one civilization to light the night sky causes the journey’s Jesuit priest to experience a crisis of fate, but in The Twilight Zone adaptation, the civilization was aware of the significance of the supernova and accepted their fate without regret.

Peace on Earth: This 1939 cartoon from MGM was nominated for an Academy Award and, according to some reports, the Nobel Peace Prize (although the latter is likely just a widespread rumor). In a post-apocalyptic world populated entirely by animals, Christmas is still celebrated. When a pair of young squirrels ask who the “men” are in the carol lyric “good will to men,” their grandfather tells them about the pugnacious humans and the war that finally killed them off.

Good Will to Men: MGM had the cartoon remade in 1955 by none other than William Hanna and Joseph Barbera. Thus time, a group of mice learn that mankind destroyed itself in a thermonuclear war, leaving animals to pick up the pieces of civilization.

Judge Dredd “Red Christmas”: A Judge in one of the Mega-Cities where the remnants of humanity dwell, Joe Dredd would rather spend Christmas hunting down criminals than exchanging gifts. But his fawning house droid, Walter the Wobot, insists on a small holiday party.

Woops! “Say It Ain’t So Santa”: After a nuclear holocaust wipes out most of humanity, a small group of survivors celebrate Christmas in an attempt to cling to some sense of normality. But the festivities take a disturbing turn when they discover Santa Claus, sole survivor of the North Pole, stuck in their chimney.

Cleopatra 2525 “Choices”: The midrift-baring trio of women explores the lower levels of the underground tunnels and discover Christmas Town, an artificial environment designed to resemble 20th Century Earth’s winter, but perpetually decorated with brightly colored lights.

“Vexed to Nightmare by a Rocking Cradle” by Dan Simmons: After an unnamed apocalypse, a tribe of people continue to celebrate Christmas, raiding old warehouses for gifts and cans of fruit. When a televangelist-worshipping missionary comes to deliver the Word of God, they don’t suspect the man comes with bloody intentions.

The Last Christmas by Gerry Duggan and Brian Posehn: After a nuclear war transforms much of humanity into zombies, a group of renegade humans end up killing Mrs. Claus. The despondent Santa realizes he can’t die as long as there are good children who believe in him. He sets out to break the spell of his immortality, but ends up cutting a swath through the legions of undead.

“Christmas at Ground Zero” by Weird Al Yankovic: Weird Al gleefully sings about a world-ending nuclear attack on Christmas Day, during which we will apparently, duck and cover:

Let's look beyond the whole "Living in the North Pole and having an army of elves to do his bidding" thing - After all, that part will always be cool, no matter what. The problem that today's media-savvy younglings have with Father Christmas isn't his product placement deal with Coke, but his modus operandi. You can prove, thanks to NORAD and the internet that Santa Claus exists and does all his deliveries in one night, but how can you explain his speedy deliveries? We've come up with five possibilities to try out on uninformed brains.

Teleportation
In a world where we're told that small Japanese men can teleport across time and space just by blinking hard, why would it be so unusual to suggest that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer isn't a magical flying reindeer, but instead a superpowered teleporting one? It even sounds, uh, convincing-esque: "With one blink of his glowing nose, he can bend space on itself and take Santa to wherever he needs to be." Suddenly, Santa's reindeer become an animal version of the X-Men, allowing you to explain that Prancer and Dancer and Donner and Blitzen aren't any stupider names than Dazzler or Gambit (After all, there are already superheroes called Donner and Blitzen).

Cloning
What if there was more than one Santa? That would easily explain how gifts can appear all across the world in one night, but if each man in this generous army happened to be the same man, then the mystique of Santa Claus is preserved - and, as an additional bonus, your child will be given another example of why scientific research into genetics (and specifically, cloning) is a good thing. An example that doesn't happen to be a prematurely-dead sheep.

Superpowers
Specifically, super-speed. This part of the Santa-myth has always been taken as read, I think; how else could he travel all around the world in one night? But in an era where popular culture is so dominated by superheroes that Will Smith is still allowed to walk the streets after Hancock, anyone who doesn't point out that Santa was the first superhero ever (Well, potentially the second, depending on how you want to play that whole "Jesus" thing) is missing a potential PR coup. Just get him to lose a little bit of that gut and maybe have a shave, and everyone will see what I'm getting at. He already has the distinctive outfit.

Time Travel
What if the elves build more than just games and toys for girls and boys up there in their workshop? Yes, it may have only been six years ago that Santa realized what a webcam was for (Please, no cheap jokes; children may be reading), but who's to say that that wasn't some kind of public relations fake-out to keep us from realizing just how technologically advanced the Santa Operation really is? If the technical wizards at SantaLabs had created a time machine, it would explain not only how he was able to visit all the good homes in one night, but also what he's doing for the rest of the year - Namely, traveling back in time to Christmas Eve to take care of deliveries. Or to check on who's naughty or nice. Don't worry, though; he always stays on the path.

NanoSanta
How does every child get exactly what they want from Santa, anyway? Some say that the answer has something to do with very stressed parents trying to avoid a Christmas Morning Meltdown, but we'd rather point to nanotechnology that manages to reconfigure itself into each child's dream toy. Consider it Schrödinger's Present - before the stocking is discovered, what's inside is everytoy; it's only once the gift is opened that it settles into a permanent state as the ideal present. You may wonder just how the gifts manage to know what their ideal form is, and all we can say is... magic.

Well. You have to let the old guy keep some secrets, after all.

Amongst the stories in this year's Festive Anthology is this somewhat unexpected secret origin of Santa Claus... who is, apparently, the Last Son of Some Random Christmas Planet. Who'd'a thunk it?

The DC Universe Holiday Special hits stores on Wednesday, and stockings the following week. Ho ho ho.

[DC Comics]

Santron (The Avengers “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santron”): Virginia Hanlon was one of those kids who never got over the fact that Santa isn’t real. So as an adult, she builds Santron out of parts from Ultron-6. But Santron has some residual superhero-hating memory and decides to attack the Avengers. His only weakness? Holiday cookies.

Multiple Santa (The Tick “The Tick Loves Santa!”): Around the holidays, a thief dresses as Santa to elude the police. A run-in with a neon sign transforms him into Multiple Santa, giving him the ability to endlessly duplicate himself. The ever thick-skulled Tick naturally thinks the villain is the real Santa and finds himself powerless to stop him.

Robot Santa (Futurama “Xmas Story”): Mom’s Friendly Company built a robot Santa to judge the people of Earth and dole out presents to the nice and punishments to the naughty. But Santa’s standards proved too high and he judges everyone (save Dr. Zoidberg) as naughty, forcing people to board up their houses on Christmas Eve to escape his wrath. In a later episode, Bender takes up the Santa mantle with homicidal relish.

Boomer Katz (Batman “Wanted: Santa Claus – Dead or Alive”): Boomer Katz is a two-bit thief who takes a job as a department store Santa so he can rob the store. But in the spirit of the season, he has a change of heart, and Batman has to save him from the mob.

Brainstorm (Top 10): In a city where everyone has superpowers, a psychokinetic name William “Brainstorm” Bernhardt escapes from a psychiatric facility. Thinking he’s Santa Claus, he uses his ability to make reindeer fly (frightening one of them to death) and, with a small army of children, deems people he encounters naughty or nice. A ruling of “naughty” usually ends in property damage.

Cyber-Claus (“Cyber-Claus” by William Gibson): On Christmas Eve, a small invading force is detected closing in on DC. The sensors detect one biped and eight tiny quadrapeds. But before the defense forces can learn more, the heavyset invader is already slipping down the chimney.

User Santa (ReBoot “Firewall”): Whenever the User wins a game played in Mainframe, a chunk of the city is destroyed. In one game, the User plays Santa Claus, and Enzo and AnrAIa, playing as Snowmen, must defeat him to protect Mainframe.

Demon Santa (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): The Scooby Gang never actually encounters Santa, which is probably all for the best. Ex-demon Anya mentions in passing that Santa is not only real, he’s a fearsome demon who comes down the chimney to disembowel children. But at least he’s got reindeer.

Robot Santas (Doctor Who “The Christmas Invasion” and “The Runaway Bride”): Christmas invasions are practically routine in Doctor Who’s London. Robot Santas herald the coming of the Sycorax, hunting down the weakened Doctor to clear the path for invasion. The following Christmas, they are employed by the Empress of the Racnoss and, in addition to trying to thwart the Doctor, rig a Christmas tree with deadly, deadly ornaments.

Post-Apocalyptic Santa (Woops! “Say It Ain’t So Santa”): Santa proves to be one of the few survivors of a nuclear holocaust that wipes out most of humanity. The six survivors of Woops find Santa in their chimney, but he’s horribly depressed. It turns out that he had locked himself in his bomb shelter, and when he realized Mrs. Claus and the elves were still outside, his instinct for self-preservation seemed to outweigh his desire to save them (although apparently he didn’t really understand how to work the door).

Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas: The King of Halloweentown also doesn't fit the bill of actual evil, but he does tend to be pathologically self-absorbed. Jack is a well-meaning, kind-hearted soul, but kidnapping Santa to resolve his identity crisis wasn't his moral high point.

Santa Doom (What The—?! “I’ll Be Doom For Christmas”): When Santa Claus lands on Castle Doom, he is injured by Doom’s defenses and has to take the night off. He implores Victor Von Doom to take his place, giving the supervillain an unlikely costume change.

Santa Zim (Invader Zim “The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever): Learning how much humans love Santa Claus, Zim puts on a Santa suit in his latest effort to conquer the Earth. He successfully takes over, but the suit takes over Zim’s personality, effectively turning him into Santa Claus. After Dib successfully separates Zim from the suit, he hurls it into space, where it transforms into a Santa monster and returns every year to attack the Earth.

Gun-Wielding Santa (“Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special”): The Easter Bunny, sick of Christmas overshadowing the other holidays, hires interstellar bounty hunter Lobo to take out Kris Kringle. And when Lobo reaches the North Pole, he finds that Santa is no less violent.

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• Kids on Mars are educated, instructed, and raised by machines. People living in the Matrix are educated, instructed, and raised by machines... plus, the Matrix also feeds them. Winner: The Matrix.
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• When you're raised in the Matrix, you end up with unsightly computer interface portals all over your body. When you're raised on Mars, you end up with green skin and antennas. Winner: The Martians.
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• On Mars, your 800-year-old Martian sage Chochem declares that Martian children are becoming distracted due to the rigors of Martian society and their machine education. In the Matrix, bald-headed sage Morpheus shows Neo how humans are slaves due to the rigors of the Matrix society and their machine education. However, their machines also enslave them as human batteries. Winner: The Matrix.
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• Chochem says that Mars needs a figure like Santa Claus on Earth in order to set the Martian children free, so the leaders of the planet decide to kidnap him. In the Matrix, Morpheus needs a figure like Neo to free the humans from enslavement, so they kidnap Neo. Virtually. Winner: The Martians.
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• When Martians invade Santa's workshop on Earth, the mean-looking elves bust out baseball bats and start swinging wildly. When Smith comes after Neo, they stick a sentient tracking bug in his belly button. Winner: The Martians. You can't trump an angry elf with a bat.
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• Santa Claus decides that Martian children needs toys and "fun" to free their minds, so he decides to have the Martian tots build a toy factory on Mars. Talk about your slave labor. In the Matrix, Morpheus has to get Neo to choke down a huge red pill in order to free his mind. Give of toys over medicine any day. Winner: The Martians.
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• Evil Voldar constantly tries to foil Santa's plans by murdering him, although his comic appearance and oversized mustache don't inspire much fear. Meanwhile, Agent Smith in the Matrix has a grinning evil countenance and awesome angular sunglasses. Winner: The Matrix.
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• The Agents in the Matrix carry Desert Eagle guns that fire .50 caliber bullets, and the baddies in Santa Claus Conquers The Martians wield painted Wham-o Air Blasters. For sheer deadliness, you'd have to go with the Desert Eagle, but those painted toys actually look fairly cool. Winner: The Martians.
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• One of the Martians who seems to be mentally deranged puts on Santa's spare suit (always travel with more than one, Santa?) and starts acting like the jolly fat man. Later, the evil Martians kidnap him, thinking he's the real deal. In the Matrix, Agent Smith hops into the body of Bane, and is able to ride him over into the real world. This means he looks like Bane on the outside, but is Agent Smith on the inside. Winner: The Matrix.
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• Voldar decides to fuck with Santa's toy factory by wonking up the machinery, meaning baby dolls get teddy bear heads, and vice versa. It's mass hysteria! Agent Smith decides to fuck with Neo and his pals by killing everyone on Earth and turning them into clones of Smith. Winner: The Matrix.
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• With the help of the Martian children, Santa Claus eventually overcomes Voldar and his bad guys, and the leaders decide to make the Martian in Santa's suit the Martian Santa Claus, and return Santa safely to Earth in time for Christmas. In the Matrix, Neo meets with The Architect (who looks a bit like Santa Claus) and discovers that he's tried to save mankind many times before. He cuts a deal with the machine city and sacrifices himself in order to stop Agent Smith and save mankind, and dies in a crucifixion ripoff scene. Winner: The Martians. Mainly because that last Matrix movie sucked.
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• You'll have to lay out some cash, or spend hours downloading in order to see The Matrix, but you can watch Santa Claus Conquers The Martians right here for free. Game, set, match: The Martians. You just don't see this kind of cheese anymore.
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