Sasquatch Hate Vampires: We've apparently abandoned the Lazarus virus plotline from last season. The villainous Cabal had created the Lazarus virus, which infects Abnormals with a sort of rabies, so that they go mad and attack normal humans before sputtering out and dying. As interesting as the monster apocalypse would have been, if the writers felt they couldn't do anything with it, it's just as well that they've ditched it. Nikola Tesla (who's been a vampire for the last 100+ years) managed to develop a cure, and has been trotting the globe to deliver it to infected Abnormals. The only critter who won't take it is Bigfoot, because apparently Sasquatch and vampires don't mix. This means that Bigfoot is sitting in quarantine, suffering and gradually going crazy. What fun.

Vampires Can't Get Drunk (as Much as They Might Want To): I'm so terribly glad that the writers had the good sense to keep Nikola Tesla around. He's just the right kind of obnoxious to lighten up the often drearily serious cast. He's taken to calling Will (still the show's least interesting character) "Huggy Bear," and he's managed to empty out Helen Magnus' wine cellar, even though alcohol doesn't affect him in the least.

There's Such a Thing as Perfect DNA: So the Cabal's latest nefarious plot involves kidnapping people who were once part of a government project to create children with "perfect" DNA. These kids had their genomes scrubbed of any mutations, making them perfectly normal in contrast to the genomes of those wacky Abnormals. Really? What on Earth was their baseline for that?

The Crazy Monster Maker Just Wants to be Your Mommy: Since the Cabal isn't going to be a huge part of season two, I guess we won't be seeing much of the Cabal's monster making scientist after the next episode. That's a real shame, because this lady is batshit crazy in the best way. She's gradually transforming Magnus' brainwashed and kidnapped daughter Ashley into some kind of superbeast, but it's okay because she kind of loves Ashley (in a maternal way) and doesn't want her to ever feel any pain. She stole the show with each creepy stroke of Ashley's hair.

Don't Feed the Sexy Mercenary: Since Ashley's gone AWOL, the Sanctuary needs a new hot girl to be its resident badass. Enter Kate Freelander, with the line, "Yes, that's my real name, even though it sounds made up." Oh, Sanctuary, how I wish you were always so self-aware. At the moment, though, Miss Freelander is working as a kidnapper for the Cabal, at least until she gets captured by Magnus and company. Henry is briefly left the guard her, but screws the pooch when he falls for her seductive brownie bar-eating ways:

Hanging Out with Jack the Ripper Makes You Violent: Who knew? Magnus has been spending an awful lot of time with John Druitt, her sometimes crazy husband who also happens to be Jack the Ripper, sometimes by moonlight. And when, in an inspired moment of violence, she shoots Kate Freelander in the foot, boring old Will is convinced that Druitt is rubbing off on her. Oh look, actual conflict between the characters that has nothing to do with mind control or insanity! There may be hope for them yet.

All Monsters Have Terrible Yellow Eyes: If it worked for Where the Wild Things Are, it must work for Sanctuary, too. Ashley's monstrous transformation is complete, signaled by her eyes turning a rather awful shade of mustard. Oh, and she's got retractable fingernails, giant incisors, and the ability to rapidly heal her wounds. Basically, she's Wolverine with more eyeshadow. And the Cabal's big plan is to overwrite the genetic code of the people with "perfect" DNA to make more monsters just like her.

Sanctuary is Still Kind of Ridiculous: I tend to knock Sanctuary for not owning its weird ideas enough (maybe I just want to see more aphrodisiac Tribbles) and giving its characters way too much down time. But last night's episode was surprisingly watchable, even if it opted to play things fairly straight rather than go for over-the-top weirdness. Still, the powers that be can't seem to decide if the show is serious or a bit B-movie campy, as evidenced by this final scene:

First observation of the evening: people with wine and a Tivo are hard to organize.

OH: Omigod it's starting — hold my hand!

I've never gotten the whole Starbuck as artist subplot. She draws giant circles everywhere?

OH (from a lawyer): Goddamn lawyers!

OK they are officially saying that they are cylons, OK? Tyrol and crew know they are cylons.

Damn I like a show that starts out right away with a nice battle. And there's Starbuck! Spouting bullshit about Earth!

Great to see that spiny Base Station again. And the president looks all commanding on the bridge.

Tigh shoots Adama? Everybody in the room stands up and screams NOOOOOOOO! Dudes, I call dream sequence.

This is what I like: seeing Anders having doubts about whether he's a sleeper agent. This season is going to be interesting.

OK, are those new cannons on the Battlestar? I don't know if I've seen them before. Nice explosion.

"600 souls on that ship," says the president. So we've already lost 600 people 10 minutes into the show.

Anders freaking out is a great new twist. I love this bit with the Raider giving him the eye. Did it scan him? Activate him?

OH: NICE! Yeah! They just wanted to do that to him!

Everybody cheers as the moaning credits come up.

Entering the realm of Baltar worshipers. Baltar IS a sex god. It's the nubile hottie religion. Looks good — shiny lights, ladies in Stevie Nicks outfits, beads — just like Burning Man! "Well I could stay for a bit!"

Starbuck homecoming ain't so fresh. Only Lee wants to hug her. She found Earth, but unfortunately she's also been gone in nowhere zone for 7 months. Wow, so confusing. Thank god we're back in the sex god zone now.

"I'm praying for your sick son," says Baltar. I like how he works the messiah thing in such a craven way. But Six is looking a little too corporate in that red suit. How 'bout a little imaginary cylon nookie? Luckily he can use his hot monotheism to get some love from one of his nubile disciples.

Monotheistic sex is the best!

Why would anybody think Starbuck WASN'T a cylon??? Seriously dudes what the hell. She's been gone for 7 months, came back in a ship that is a perfect duplicate of her old Viper, doesn't remember anything, and is babbling about gas giants with rings. What would the explanation be if it's not a cylonic resurrection?

Tigh says: Baltar's cylon detector was a crock! He should know.

During the commercial break, we hit on some possible explanations for Starbuck. If she's not a cylon:
1. She was grabbed and sent back by V'ger
2. She's a clone
3. She was the first hybrid

"Gaius can you hold me?" Now it's time for all the hot folk rock looking ladies to be sad about the dying kid. I wish somebody would play a Cat Stevens song right now.

When you say, "I guess the one true god doesn't want him to live," it's like the ultimate passive aggressive monotheist moment.

ANYBODY STILL HEARING THAT FRAKKING SONG? Thank the one true god, no.

Anders connects the dot: "Maybe I was programmed to leave my gun safeties on."

Tigh has a good point about the difference between knowing you are a sleeper agent and not knowing. That's the one difference between the final four and the original Boomer. Damn, this is totally my favorite subplot.

Now the president is visiting Caprica Six. Six is wearing quite a nice little teeny spaghetti strap dress. Perfect jail outfit. Why doesn't she just make out with the president instead of talking mystically about her programming. "I try not to think about your creamy neck, President Roslin." Get rid of that hetero programming, Six, and make your move!

Gaeta Gaeta Gaeta!!!!!! He is the hottest.

OK back to the plot. Duh nobody believes you Starbuck. You are either a frakkin cylon, or something made by V'ger.

So now Starbuck also has a mystic mumbo jumbo relationship with the course to Earth? Why is she even on the bridge? SHE'S A DAMN CYLON.

Fucking awesome new Iron Man commercial. Oh wait, is that an ad for the Marines? What am I watching? Ad for movie or ad for something else using the movie? So confused. So it's an ad for Sci Fi Channel?

"Should I believe my heart or my eyes?" asks Adama. I will not make the joke about believing your ass. Because it's not even funny.

Hey, so the President is staying in Adama's quarters? Whoo, Adama.

I feel like every episode has one Adama or the other handing a gold chevron to somebody and saying, "We need you in the fleet."

"I've had some feelers from the government — there's a position opening up," says Lee. Well, at least Dad knows something about feelers from the government . . . heh heh.

A lot of this episode is all, "What if your friends were Cylons? Would that change how you feel?" It's like a Cylon tolerance training film. "Don't hate on the Cylon . . . they could be your kids!" I want to form PFOC, parents and friends of cylons. We can carry a special banner and march in the Cylon Pride March!

WTF is Baltar on about "Take me make me suffer"? He's having a conscience attack? Wait, is he putting on a show or does he really believe what he's saying. All I know for sure is that he is Mr. Extra Super Creepy.

As Baltar shaves, someone cries, "Well THANK GOD." Seriously getting rid of that beard was a good move. Too bad Baltar is about to be totally creamed by this dude with the dead kid. Luckily he has the power of nubile folk rock girl on his side!!!

I really would be OK if I never saw another scene of Baltar's face being wet from tears, sweat, shaving water, or blood.

Wow, folk rock girl is a total ninja. Piped!!!

That was quite the smiting.

OK fuck little Derrick and his being spared. Let's get back to the whole Burning Man naked girl cult sex.

Love this scene with Anders being all sensitive and Starbuck being a dick. "Is it possible they grew another me?" asks Starbuck. Another cool question. Anders says, "It doesn't change who you are."

Lawyers in the room observe: "Actually it does change who you are."

I love Starbuck telling Anders, "If you were a cylon I put a bullet through your head." Doesn't she remember the whole Leoben thing? She can shoot Anders but he'll keep coming back.

Everybody here thinks Starbuck can't be a cylon.

WHAT IS REVEALED??? Asks everyone in the room. WHAT THE HELL????

OK, here are our theories:
1. Final cylon will be Adama's wife. She'll come back and we'll discover that Lee is the first hybrid.
2. Starbuck is a hybrid. Her dad was on the front in the cylon war. This makes her whole thing with Lee kind of incestuous and ookie.
3. Adama is a cylon
4. It's too obvious to make Starbuck a cylon
5. They might bring a new character in to be the fifth cylon, and that would totally suck

I just want to point out that the plot next episode about the Raiders being lobotomized is super interesting.

Now our conversation has degenerated into speculating which person among us is a cylon.

That is all. Good night, and sweet monotheistic dreams about sentient lobotomized spaceships!

What was most interesting about the episode was watching the four new cylon deal with discovering that they are not human. As we learned at the end of season 3, some of the most unlikely members of the crew have turned out to be skinjobs.

The newly-revealed Cylons include Tigh, the ship's XO, who was tortured by the Cylons on New Caprica so brutally that he lost an eye. And there's Anders, Starbuck's ex, who was leading the human resistance against the Cylons on Caprica when Starbuck rescued him. Then there's Chief Tyrol, whose discovery that he's got toaster in him means he's also got a hybrid baby. Almost as an afterthought, there's Foster, the president's aide. Each plays a pivotal role on the ship, and each could easily kill the Admiral or President if "activated" from afar by the Cylons.

There's a lot of soul-searching among these Cylons, as they wonder if their memories are implanted lies and what it means to find out they aren't who they think they are. Will they be activated? Can they be sure they're in control of their actions? Things get especially interesting when Starbuck returns in a cloud of suspicion — she thinks she's been gone for a few hours, and the rest of the fleet know she's been gone for months and suspect her of being a Cylon or at least a spy for them. In a great moment, Anders tries to comfort her — and Starbuck, in her usual way, is a total dick about it. Yup, our beloved crew is back.

When they're not fighting Cylons, the humans are dealing with a new antagonist in their midst. Baltar goes all Jesus on everybody after being adopted by a strange band of nubile lady cultists. This is where the season's yuck factor comes in, and no surprise that Baltar is all over it. Will he become a creepy, fake-ass messiah to the downtrodden of the ship, willing to pretend to be anything they want as long as they give him protection, food, and sex? Or is he really starting to believe in his own godlike power, and to worship the Cylons' one god?

While it certainly wasn't the best episode of BSG I've seen, it was still a strong one. Most important, it set up some genuinely compelling tensions that will animate the final season as we come closer and closer to Earth. I like a show that can kick some toaster ass, and still find time to worry about the nature of human identity. And this episode does all that and more. Welcome back, BSG. We missed you.