Hustler put out This Ain't Star Trek XXX as a tie-in to J.J. Abrams' reimagining of the classic series. And the movie does boast an impressive cast, including Sasha Grey (The Girlfriend Experience) as a random Vulcan and Evan Stone as Captain Kirk. There are moments of inspired silliness, and the sets and costumes are top notch. But in the end, this is probably the least interesting Star Trek porno I've seen.

And because I'm a bit of a masochist, I've seen them all. Star Trek porn has a long and demented history, as you'll know if you read our exhaustive roundup, but there seem to be a few constants:

• It's always about the original series crew for some reason
• it's always kind of silly, since the porn producers are relying on a "parody" loophole to make Trek porn without getting sued
• It always features a Spock who's skeevy and/or unsexy.

So following in the footsteps of past Trek porn vids, which spoofed the plots of "The Man Trap," "Charley X," "Where No Man Has Gone Before," and even "Spock's Brain" (this time, they steal Spock's cock), Trek XXX is somewhat based on the episode "Space Seed," where we first meet Khan Noonien Singh. The Enterprise finds Khan in suspended animation and brings him on board, where he starts to impress his will (and in this version, a lot more) on an impressionable young lieutenant named Marla. (We even get all the stuff where he asks her why she wears her hair in an uncomplimentary fashion and helps her take her hair down, in one of the movie's moments of true sexiness.)

And of course, Khan's plan for taking over the Enterprise requires everybody on board to have lots of vigorous porno-style sex (including reverse-cowgirl... in space!) in order to survive.

That's the main problem with this movie, of course: it's way more of a formulaic porn video than any other Trek vids I've seen before. The non-porno scenes are basically little interludes to set up the action, before we move on to the ritualistic sex acts today's porn consumers expect, in exactly the right order: sucking first, then intercourse, then cumshot. There's not much playfulness or fun about it, once the sex starts. It's just sort of business-like, and actually detracts from the camp value of the overall spoof.

The other big problem, though, is Spock. As I mentioned, every porn video based on the franchise I've ever seen has featured a supremely unattractive actor playing Spock, and this is by no means an exception. The sexiest character in Trek somehow comes out as a damp squib, with no charisma or passion. This is especially sad when Zachary Quinto has just brought Spock's sexiness front and center again.

Of course, it would be hard to make Spock sexy in a porn video, since a big part of his appeal is the fact that he's got a cauldron of hot passion just underneath his dispassionate surface, and he struggles to keep the lid on. In a porn vid, of course, there's never any struggle against sexual passion, because the viewer (supposedly) just wants to see the characters get down to business. But I still think you could have a porn-Spock who brought that sense of smoldering desire, finally unleashed, to his performance. Instead, Tony De Sergio gives us a Spock who manages to act bored the whole time he's having sex. He literally keeps saying "fasinating" and "highly illogical" in a detached voice while he's getting it on. I can't imagine anybody thinking that was sexy.

On the flipside, Sasha Grey really is fun to watch as a sexy Vulcan, mostly because she's incredibly cute and has a sparkly dress. And cute shoes. She's not particularly Vulcan-ish, but that's okay, I guess. There's also a random space-babe with sparkly silver tights, which is a plus. Nick Manning, as Khan, chews scenery enjoyably, and the scene where he takes down Marla's hair is actually kind of sweet (and then she blows him immediately afterwards). And Evan Stone really is nigh perfect as Kirk.

I was trying to figure out why this Trek porn video was less fun than the other ones I've seen, and I have a few possible answers. For one thing, I wasn't trying to review those others, so maybe I was watching them with a less critical eye. (I've never reviewed a porn video before, and I'm still not sure how.) But also, this video just felt much more like it was a prisoner of the standard porn conventions, with the sex acts feeling extremely rote and boring.

But also, I think there's maybe a playfulness and campiness that all X-rated Star Treks reach for, which is present in the 1990s versions more than in this one. Hustler puts a certain amount of campy silliness into some of the interludes between the action, but the sex itself never feels light-hearted or silly, like it does in some of the Sex Trek vids.

I just want to conclude this review with a plea to the pornographers of the world: please make a sexy Star Trek video. Doesn't even have to be X-rated, and in fact it might be better if it was just R-rated. Just... more sexy outfits, more cuteness, more sexy aliens and much, much more of Spock struggling with his suppressed urges. (Actually, the best thing in the universe might be a lesbian porn video with women playing Kirk and Spock.) Star Trek has been bringing the sexiness for over 40 years, and porn hasn't ever quite been able to keep up. So somebody please create the Trek porn we've been waiting for — make it so.

It sounds as though This Ain't Star Trek XXX will follow the storyline of "Space Seed," the classic episode which introduced Ricardo Montalban's Khan. At least somewhat. (Since there have already been porno recreations of "Charley X," "The Man Trap" and "Where No Man Has Gone Before," this isn't quite so surprising. Link is NSFW.)

The Enterprise finds a ship that's been floating in space for 200 years, and on board is Khan, in suspended animation. But with him are two sexy alien women — for obvious reasons. And judging from the photo up top, Lieutenant Marla McGivers plays a big role in the story as well, as the woman whom Khan tries to seduce. Khan, coming from an earlier time, is more barbaric, more macho and more "bare-chested" than the civilized Kirk, and he decides to try and take over the Enterprise.

And this is where the story diverges from "Space Seed" considerably.

According to Krypton, "Khan's method of trying to take over the ship leads to the crewmembers having to engage in sexual situations against their will." He wouldn't go into details about this, but check out this work-safe clip of something weird happening to Kirk's eyes:

Perhaps as a result of Khan's machinations, Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy is forced to have sex with Nurse Christine Chapel, or they'll both die. "They have a reason where they pretty much have to have sex, it's a life or death situation," explains Krypton. (Sadly, Spock doesn't hook up with Chapel, despite all of the longing glances she gave him throughout the series.) And the film climaxes (so to speak) with a threesome on the Bridge of the Enterprise, between Kirk, Spock and Uhura. Take that, "Plato's Stepchildren!"

Krypton, obviously a huge Trek nerd, insists that even though Hustler's porn spoof is over the top and silly, it respects the original show, and tries to convey how these characters would really act in this situation. After all, the original show was quite campy at times, so it's not that much of a leap. But the movie goes to some lengths to be true to the characters and their history, says Krypton.

There are no green women in the movie, because "putting someone in full body paint is a nightmare in a adult porn video," says Krypton. It's almost impossible to avoid having the body paint rub off on the other actor during a sex scene, and there are certain body parts that people might not want to paint green. Hustler did have a green woman in its Munsters porno spoof, and they solved the problem of paint rubbing off on the costar by color-correcting the image afterwards. (The color-correction gave the scene a cartoony look, which worked better for the Munsters than for Star Trek.)

But as we mentioned, there will be two alien babes. One, played by Jenna Hayes, is human-looking apart from her slinky Barbarella-esque outfit. The other is a Vulcan, played by Steven Soderbergh actress Sasha Grey. Grey's character is struck with a "rare form" of Pon Farr, the Vulcan mating drive, and has to have sex with Captain Kirk in the Transporter Room — she just has to. And for Kirk, this is an opportunity to work out his issues with Vulcans after years of being frustrated with Mr. Spock. He can finally have sex with a Vulcan, but he finds that his frustrations with Vulcan logic persist even during their hookup.

Oh, and Mr. Spock doesn't have green sperm in this film, unlike in some of the other porn films.

But the answer to the question you're most anxiously asking — does Kirk look up and scream "Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" during this film — is yes. He does. And Khan also yells "Kiiiiiiiiirk!" back. By the way, Evan Stone, who plays Kirk, doesn't consciously do a William Shatner impression. But Stone, according to Krypton, already sounds like Shatner most of the time. He has a "cadence and a dramatic flair" that are quite Shatner-esque. He may ramp it up a bit for this film, but he doesn't need much to seem Shatnerian.

Krypton is very proud of the high production values in this Trek spoof, which he says stand "head and shoulders" above what's been done before. (You can see for yourself, with the pics and clip above.) Hustler spent a lot of money on the sets and costumes, trying to make it look as cool as possible, as well as "colorful and fun." The movie comes out in May, to coincide with the release of J.J. Abrams less-orgiastic Star Trek. Find out more at Hustler World.