Oh, and there are spoilers below.

Some grad student somewhere has written a foot-thick dissertation on Fortress, the dystopian prison movie directed by Stuart Gordon (who also brought us many horror classics such as Reanimator, plus crazy science fiction classics Robot Jox and Space Truckers.)

Fortress is like a weird parable about the state trying to control your sexuality — Lambert is in prison because his wife, Loryn, became pregnant a second time, violating the state's one-child policy (even though the first child died at birth.) Now he's sentenced to 31 years in a corporate-run facility, where they won't even let him fantasize about heterosexual sex (but gay sex is apparently quite common, judging from some of the jokes.) Later on, the cyborg director of the facility — the one who's spying on Lambert's sex dreams in this clip — tries to get Loryn to divorce Lambert and marry him instead. When that doesn't work out, he sentences her to have her baby by lethal cesarian section. In the end, the married couple gets away, but an exploding truck crashes into the building where Loryn is giving birth — so she has to give birth while simultaneously outrunning an explosion. Hard fucking core!

There are so many great scenes in Fortress that deserve inclusion in found footage-land, including the bit where Jeffrey Combs probes the other inmates' intestines and gets the intestinal pain device out of them. (It also explodes if they try to escape.) And then the scene where the cyborgs are going to slice open Loryn's pregnant stomach, and Combs races against time to install a virus on the evil corporation's mainframe — one of the most unrealistic hacking sequences in movie history. But the "wet dream = pain" sequence is probably the most classic. [IMDB]

Like most of Gordon's work - except perhaps for Dagon - "Dreams" is a very loose interpretation of Lovecraft. In this adaptation, a graduate student at Miskatonic University (of course) is looking for a quiet apartment where he can complete his dissertation on string theory. He's figured out that by building special "non euclidean" shapes, two universes can intersect!

And that's just what happens in his weirdly-shaped apartment, where a witch and her human-faced rat come through the walls and force him to do their bloody bidding. Which seems mostly to involve slaughtering his neighbor's kid, whom he has been tricked into babysitting. But first, before the baby-killing, the witch gratuitously seduces him in the witchiest possible manner. And reveals why witch sex is always unsafe.

This is Lovecraft, so no, things do not end well. Unless you consider having your guts eaten out by a rat with a human face while you're locked up in a mental institution.

Dreams in the Witch House via IMDB

This is a simple, bloody tale of a group of friends whose boat is wrecked off the coat of a tiny Spanish fishing village. Turns out this village long ago turned to Cthulhu worship so that they'd catch enough fish to sell. And once in a while they have to sacrifice a few people to keep up the old fish deliveries from the deep. Oh and also, they intermarry with Cthulhu's spawn so much that they are all turning into fish-frog people.

This is one of the best cinematic adaptations of a Lovecraft story you'll ever see, by the way. It's pulpy, scary, and worth a look.

[Dagon via IMDB]

The blog A Subtle Echo dug up an interview with Adams from the early 80s about his Forever War designs. Adams says the book's Egg suits posed a particular challenge, and his first design was more form-fitting. Gordon looked at this and said, "Well, if you can't do it..." Chastened, Adams went back to the drawing board, "rethought the egg principle" and figured out the necessary arm and leg movement. The only drawback: you couldn't twist your torso in one of them.

With a budget of only $3 million (up from $1 million originally) creating the Taurans posed another challenge. Adams accepted the "man in a suit" look, but tried to distort it by using extra-tall basketball-player figures, with extensions on the hands to make them look even more angular. "Subtly altering body movements, and perhaps changing the eyes, would convey an eerie, alien quality," Adams said.

A third challenge: the spaceships had to evolve, starting with a group of Saturn rockets strapped together. "Each generation of spacecraft got bigger and more fanciful," Adams explained. Sadly, he concluded the interview by saying "I think The Forever War has a good chance of being made" with Gordon as director.

If only. So what went wrong? Haldeman explains on his website:

The Forever War had been optioned by the Chicago public television station, who proposed to do it as a four-part miniseries. I had a few meetings with Stuart Gordon, the director, and it looked pretty exciting: the production was going to be lavish; it was the number-one budget item for the next couple of years.

Then Reagan got elected, and public (or at least political) support for the arts was slashed. The station, its annual budget halved, had to drop the miniseries. But Stuart Gordon didn't want to drop The Forever War. In the course of outlining how to break up the story into four parts, I'd told him that the last part would be the simplest to shoot — you could almost do it as a stage play, with two or three sets.

It turned out that Stuart was also director of the Organic Theater Company, and he tossed down a gauntlet: you write the last part as a stage play, and I'll have it produced.

The stage play was moderately successful, making back its big budget over a six-week run, including the $75,000 spent on special effects. And then two years later, Gordon hired Haldeman to write Robot Jox, which turned into another weird ordeal when Gordon tried to replace Haldeman as scriptwriter halfway through. (The movie's producers eventually sided with Haldeman and brought him back in for emergency rewrites on set.)

Given how great the PBS version of Ursula LeGuin's Lathe Of Heaven was, around that same time, I'm incredibly bummed that we didn't get to see the PBS Forever War. (Especially with mega-genius Gordon involved.) But hopefully the Ridley Scott version will ease the sadness somewhat. More pics and info at the link. [A Subtle Echo]

So here's the deal. The bad guy Dr. Hill is an evil surgeon whose head has been chopped off. Lucky for him, his head and body have been reanimated by mad scientist Dr. West (Jeffrey Combs, looking young and alarmingly tasty). Dr. Hill has control over his headless body, and has also discovered that other reanimated zombies obey his thoughts. So he decides to use his newfound power to get busy with the Dean's daughter, who is also a scientist at the medical school. Still more luck for Hill — the Dean is a zombie, and he happily fetches his daughter for Hill to molest in his lab. Serious creepiness ensues. Plus, the pun! So funny. This scene, which I first saw at the age of sixteen, is probably what made me the person I am today. [Re-Animator]

Tonight

As usual, the week's TV highlight is a new episode of superhero show The Middleman, at its new time of 10 PM on ABC Family. This time around, the Middleman's sidekick Wendy is supposed to learn fighting from Sensei Ping, but he's kidnapped by a band of Mexican Wrestlers — who also get their hands on the Middleman himself. If you like fun, then I highly recommend The Middleman — I had high hopes for the series, but it's actually surpassed them, mostly thanks to Natalie Morales' engaging performance and the incredibly high-density clever scripts. But don't take my word for it, here's what Henry Jenkins has to say. He's a professor, after all:

The scripts for the series, not to mention the comics, are full of one laugh out loud one-liner after another, most of them playing on precise and pithy references to popular culture: I haven't seen a script this dense with injokes since early Joss Whedon... The performances consistently live up to the quality of the script: everyone gets a few memorable lines and moments in the spotlight in the opening episode and I can't wait to see where the characters go from here.

And here's a trailer for the new episode:

Also tonight, Spike is showing Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones. The six Star Wars films are appearing almost every night on Spike this week, so if you missed their earlier showings, you can stop panicking and start watching the rise and fall of Anakin.

And at 3 AM (!!) the Sci Fi Channel is showing a new (to Americans) episode of dimension-shifting noir show Charlie Jade. Charlie Jade thinks that 01 Boxer, the dimension-jumping psycho, killed Elliott Krogg, who's become the scapegoat for a bombing that killed a lot of people. Meanwhile, back in Charlie's dystopian home dimension, Jasmin is grappling with the fact that a woman of her social rank is not supposed to be self-sufficient, and she has to decide whether to use sexual favors to survive.

At almost the same time Tuesday morning (3:15), Cinemax is showing My Super Ex-Girlfriend, to get you in the mood for Hancock. Marvel at Hollywood's cluelessness, and maybe get a few chuckles out of an airborne Uma Thurman.

Tuesday

The ever-reliable History Channel is serving up yet another dose of paranoia and mega-science, with a new episode of Mega Disasters at 10 PM. It's about "airborne attack," and it may make you want to wear a breathing mask if you live in the city. Here's the description:

Anthrax is the most feared of all the biological weapons—spores entering the body through the lungs are lethal. In 2001, a simple letter, sent through the US mail, paralyzed a nation, when anthrax spores were found inside. Experts predict that anthrax released over a populated area would result in unprecedented loss of life—a few pounds of anthrax released under the right conditions could kill hundreds of thousands of people. Will anthrax be used to create a worldwide disaster?

There's also a rerun of The Universe, focusing on the moon, at 8 PM.

AMC is showing the Don Knotts space comedy, The Reluctant Astronaut, at 3:45. Here's a giant chunk of that movie:

Wednesday

Tonight it's the battle of the science programs! Two different shows are airing at 9 PM — will you watch the respectable, highbrow science of Nova ScienceNow on PBS? Or a new MonsterQuest on History, focusing on "Super Rats"? Well, let's see... Nova ScienceNow includes segments on personal DNA testing, pulling excess carbon out of the atmosphere, which are sort of hot-button topics right now. On the other hand, MonsterQuest has evidence that rats used to be huge — and these massive, cat-sized rats are making a comeback. And they have an appetite for anything... even human flesh!!

Hmmm... serious science. Or cat-sized people-eating rats. What will it be? Does this sample of Nova ScienceNow help?

Another scheduling smackdown: FX is showing I, Robot (the Will Smith movie) at 5:30, and TMC has Starman, the movie about a widow and an alien on the run, at 6:30. Somehow, I'm not guessing that's much of a dilemma, for anyone who gets TMC.

Thursday

Tonight at 10 PM, there's a new episode of horror anthology series Fear Itself: "Eater," directed by Stuart Gordon. (Director of everything from Robot Jox to Reanimator.) In "Eater," a rookie cop has to watch over a serial killer called the "Eater," but her fellow cops start acting weird and she realizes nobody is whom they seem. (This website says "Eater" already appeared June 5, but the TV listings and IMDB both say it's a new episode as of this Thursday.)

The Sci Fi Channel is showing episodes of the classic Twilight Zone all day today and tomorrow. I wonder if they'll show that one with the twist ending? And the aliens?

We've talked a lot about how much we love C.S.A.: Confederate States of America, the alternate history movie about a world where the South won the Civil War. It's a wicked satire, but also a sharp-edged mirror on our real world, because it shows how different its alternate world isn't in many ways. And now you can check it out for yourself, on IFC at 7:45.

After showing the first two Planet Of The Apes movies a bunch lately, AMC is finally showing a different one, Escape From The Planet Of The Apes. Unfortunately, it's at 5 AM. Get up early and psych yourself up for work with some ape-action.

At 12:10 Friday morning, Encore has 12 Monkeys, Terry Gilliam's weird time-traveling plague movie starring Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis. I'm probably the only person who didn't like this movie — I found it a little too precious, and felt like it was an inferior remake of Gilliam's Brazil. But maybe I'll take this chance to watch it again and see if I was too harsh. And your chance to watch it again and remind yourselves how wrong I am.

And then at 12:30 AM Friday, Cinemax has Alien Sex Files: Aliens Gone Wild. Here's the plot description: "Lusty extraterrestrials explore human sexuality." It doesn't actually mention anal probes at all. Also, the HBO page says the movie features "gorgeous, sex-starved aliens" who cause an "explosion of erotic activity."

And at 3 AM, TCM is showing the 1941 version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. See where the Hulk came from, and brace yourself for some classic 1940s science horror. Or you could just hold out for an hour and watch Mortal Kombat on TNT at 4 AM.

Friday

Tonight at 7 PM, ION Television has Gadgetman, starring Marina Sirtis from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Admit it, you wondered what she'd been up to apart from the Trek movies and occasional Voyager cameos. And just look at this great synopsis: "When a gadget-inventing professor is kidnapped for his latest invention, a wallet computer, his son enlists the help of a detective who is not all she appears to be." Marina probably shows whole new facets of her personality here. Or you could just watch The Fantastic Four and Spider-Man 2, back to back on FX.

Also, the Sci Fi Channel has more Twilight Zone all day today, plus all evening until midnight. Clear lots and lots of space on that TiVo, and then cancel those weekend plans.

Continuing its excursion into the later Apes movies, AMC is showing Battle For The Planet Of The Apes, at 9 AM.

Saturday

At 10:30 AM on Cartoon Network, there's a new Transformers: Animated, the first half of a two-parter called "A Bridge Too Close."

In his plan to take over Cybertron, Megatron captures Bulkhead. The Autobots plan a rescue party and discover that the Blue Racecar is actually an Autobot called Blurr.

And here's a chunk of the episode, complete with a funny Decepticon initiation ceremony:

Also, Encore has the underrated RoboCop 2 at 10:50, followed by Stargate, the movie that launched a huge TV franchise, at 1 PM and 10 PM. And Sci Fi is showing Resident Evil at 5 and Resident Evil: Apocalypse at 7.

Sunday

We'll never get Robert Rodriguez's version of Barbarella, but at least you can watch his movie The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl today at noon on the Disney Channel, and you can try and picture Rose McGowan in silver lame kinky boots in the middle of all that. Rodriguez collaborated with his kids to create this superhero fantasy, which is supposed to be one of the worst movies ever, but I've never seen it. Maybe it's only really in the bottom 20 percent.

There's another new Venture Bros. tonight at 11:30, called "What Goes Down, Must Come Up," but no other info is available. And then at midnight there's a new Metalocalypse, called "Dethsources." Those are both part of Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup.

Directed by Stuart Gordon (Reanimator) and written by Gordon and Joe Haldeman, Jox takes place in a future postapocalyptic world, after some kind of nuclear cataclysm. The U.S. and Soviet Union, now called the Western Market and the Russian Confederation, no longer fight wars to settle their disputes. Instead, they send huge freaking robots into battle, to smack each other down until a victor is declared.

I love the way the battlesuits are depicted, with Alexander moving his actual hand to make the robot's hand reach down and overturn Achilles' tank. The giant robot effects are entirely done using models and stop-motion animation, but they look way better than a lot of CGI I've seen. In particular, you can actually see the fighting robot transforming into a tank — unlike in Michael Bay's Transformers, where the transformations were always so blurry and disjointed that you couldn't make out what was happening. Thanks to everyone who recommended Robot Jox to me — it really is an instant classic.

Last year the very political project was rumored to be stalled due to concerns from the studio that it was too political, and was too obviously referring to Dick Cheney being a re-animated zombie. If that was the real reason, then how is the TV show Jericho able to get away with its Obviously Cheney figure, a shady intelligence dude from DHS who may have masterminded the attacks on U.S. cities? It's a mystery to us, but we're relieved to hear that the movie is back on track.

While you're waiting for this one, be sure to check out the original Re-Animator, as well as Gordon's more recent flick Dagon, which is one of the most faithful adaptations of an H.P. Lovecraft story I've ever seen (it's a retelling of "The Shadow Over Innsmouth," set in Spain).

Macy on Re-Animator Sequel Status [Shock Til You Drop]

• In the live-action version of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon Jonny Quest, Jonny's dad creates a super-weapon that destroys everything but living matter, leaving armies helpless and maybe naked. But a supervillain wants to use this weapon to awaken a mystical world-destroying doodad, and it's up to Jonny and his bodyguard "Race" Bannon to stop him, with the help of a stereotypical Indian kid. [IESB]
• Rumor has it The Flash, the movie about the DC Comics superhero directed by David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers) will feature Jay Garrick, the original 1940s version of the character. Garrick wears a big metal bowl on his head and shuns a mask, instead vibrating his face so nobody can recognize him. No, really. [Production Charts]
• A woman's father tries to take over her brain, in director Stuart Gordon's adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's novel The Thing On The Doorstep. And when she has sex with her shrink, she passes the dad-brain problem on to him. [Bloody Disgusting]
• Super Capers, due out next fall, is a zero-budget movie about a wannabe superhero. Ed Gruberman is thrilled when a judge orders him to live in a superhero "halfway house," but then the judge turns out to be a supervillain who killed Ed's parents, and is also Ed's real dad. [FreeCastingCall]
• The unlucky reporter in Quarantine isn't just barracaded inside a building full of people with mega-rabies. The cops also cut off cell phone reception, Internet access and television within the building, which seems like overkill. [ProductionCharts]
• British soap star Sarah Lancaster will provoke sonic screwdriver envy when she brandishes her own version of the Doctor's favorite toy in Doctor Who season four. [Sky Showbiz]

The latest idea is too on the nose, because it's about a vice president who has a heart attack and dies, which is terrible, because he runs the country, and a kind of Karl Rove-ian character brings Herbert to the White House to revive him. All is well for a little while, and then, of course, havoc has its day. A lot of people they took the idea to didn't want to touch it. And, of course, the real power in it would be to get it out before they are out of power.

OK, why the fuck did Uwe goddamn Boll get to direct a gory political satire (the wretched Postal), but Stuart Gordon - who actually has a brain and some writing ability - doesn't? What the hell, people? I think the problem is that Hollywood doesn't want progressive politics in movies to offend the delicate white liberal sensibility. Politics should be sanctimonious, and no bodily fluids should be involved. Somebody like Michael Moore gets to make "funny" political movies because he's actually an irritating dogmatist who is boring to watch, but Gordon - who threatens to entertain us - is being told zombies are just too political for the B-movie crowd.

Famous names: Stuart Gordon, Jeffrey Combs

Crunchy goodness: 5

Sight you'll never unsee: After West decapitates and reanimates his rival Dr. Hill, the headless undead doctor carries his head around in a bowling bag and kidnaps a young woman he's taken a fancy to. Hill strips her, straps her to a medical table, and then - well, let's just say he gives new meaning to the phrase "giving head."

Sequels: Followed by Bride of Re-Animator and Beyond Re-Animator, both directed by Gordon pal Brian Yuzna, who memorably includes a zombie rat vs. zombie penis sequence in Beyond Re-Animator. Gordon returns to the franchise in 2008 with House of Re-Animator, starring William H. Macy as the president, who gets involved in re-animation shenanigans.

Most memorable product tie-in: In The 4400, Jeffrey Combs (our beloved Herbert West) plays a mad doctor who invents a glowing green serum that he injects into people with a giant syringe to give them mutant powers. The glowing green syringe is a near-replica of the one he uses in the Re-Animator movies.

Reanimator - Fansite with many extras including the original short story.