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posts about #superuselesssuperpowers more → 
My Superpower Is More Useless Than Yours
San Francisco, 2:50 PM
Thu Dec 3
24 posts in the last 24 hours
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My Superpower Is More Useless Than Yours |
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02/01/09
02/01/09
My mom used to have a friend whose superpower was that she could fit EVERYTHING into a dishwasher.
02/01/09
I try to use this power sparingly and for good rather than evil, but there was that time that my letter about X-Files shippers made me rather universally despised by the X-Files fandom. Boy, it was fun to google myself for awhile there...
01/31/09
You know that guy, standing in line in front of you, who's humming that really annoying song? The one you hate? The one that refuses to die? Playing in your head All. Day. Long?
{takes a small, malevolent bow}
That man is me.
I know that I'm Bad, even Toxic, but Do You Want to Hurt Me?
01/31/09
Technical support issues, when the end user attempts to demonstrate them for me, seem to disappear in my presence only to reappear after my departure.
The machines love me, and hate all of you, what can I say?
02/01/09
01/31/09
01/31/09
Doesn't extend to giant ones, or outdoor ones. But regular malls, you plunk me down and I'll be able to find the food court or various shops without looking at the map. I will also remember which door we came in, though not where the car is from there (like I said, the power doesn't extended outdoors).
(brass fanfare} MALL-WOMAN!
01/31/09
02/01/09
01/31/09
When driving in an unfamiliar setting on vague/inaccurate directions, and presented with a 50/50% chance of which lane to stay in or exit to take, I will ALWAYS choose the incorrect option 100% of the time!
This ability is so powerful, it even works when I try to second guess myself and go the opposite direction from where my gut instinct is telling me to go.
An unusual side-effect of this power is that upon making an incorrect decision, I am magically transported into a mysterious pocket universe where surface streets only flow one way and all U-Turns are illegal.
01/31/09
No, not like Aquaman or Kevin Costner.
It's sort of like the ability to breath fire, except instead of exhaling a huge billowing cloud of impressive flames, whatever volume of air you exhale from your lungs magically transforms into liquid as soon as it leaves your mouth. (and since water has more mass than air, it doesn't travel very far either)
Moderately useful if you're on your own in the middle of the desert, but good luck trying to convincing anybody else that you don't backwash.
01/31/09
I call myself Captain CRT, the Cathode Man.
01/31/09
(srsly, the tone those things emit drives me nuts)
02/01/09
Haha I can do that too. People are always dumbfounded when I ask them to turn the TV/Monitor off, especially when I try to explain that the whistling noise is annoying.
Also did you know that no comercial TV actually mutes the TV when you hit the mute button? They just turn the volume to a very low setting, but you can still hear it perfectly fine if you are in a relatively quiet room.
02/01/09
01/31/09
01/31/09
01/31/09
01/31/09
01/31/09
1. Ordering Chinese food for takeout or large gatherings
2. Making mixtapes (or CDs)
3. Keeping strolling musicians away from my table at restaurants
4. Knowing if my friend Ron Farber is on the phone when it rings (without using caller ID).
01/31/09
Whenever I approach the sugar & cream table at any (no, really: ANY) cafe, the half-and-half container only has one last shot or the raw sugar has only one last packet.
Never both, and skim & regular milk are unaffected. As are the regular sugar and mutant sucrose offspring.
It's my curse and (since my cafe-ing habits are never impacted) my blessing.
If you have the misfortune to come after me at a cafe and are struck with the cold reality of having to quaff your coffee Black, or with milk or pink sugar, don't curse me. It's beyond my control and (silently) I lament. In between sips of milk-fat infused, raw sugar fortified, dark roast bliss.
01/31/09
01/31/09
01/31/09