We've collected 38 of the wrongest, weirdest, freakiest and most horrifying sex scenes from science-fiction and horror movies. You may want to get your ophthalmologist to put in those eye-blurring eyedrops before watching some of these. There are severed penises, severed heads, evil trees, dolls inseminating Jennifer Tilly, Satanic rituals and alien women who drain men's sexual vitality, usually killing them. Freud would get stuck in an endless feedback loop of WTF trying to figure out what these clips say about the people who made them.

Like much horror in general, a lot of these clips depict stuff that you would be, well, horrified to see happening in real life — except that in this case, it's all so absurdly campy and unreal, you mostly just question your taste in choosing to watch this stuff. However, a disclaimer does apply: if you're upset by weirdly graphic and physically impossible sex acts, a few of which involve badly choreographed violence, then don't watch these clips. We are not going to pay your therapy bills.

(Some of these clips are ones we've featured on the blog before, in the past couple years' worth of "found footage" posts.)

We already featured one dreadful oral sex moment up top, but here are several more:

And here are some clips of monster sex that may make you want to take up a vow of celibacy:

And then there are the horrendous insemination moments:

And finally, just a general collection of "holy crap WTF" moments:

Okay, so here are the movies that blew us away and horrified us this year:

BEST:

10. Let The Right One In. This intense, beautiful Swedish movie about a 12-year-old boy's relationship with a vampire did the near-impossible: it almost made us forget the blah Twilight. It's a parable of the world-destroying power of adolescence, that stays with you long afterwards.

9. Teeth. This year saw a boomlet in feminist horror movies, between this film and Zombie Strippers. But the raw satire of vagina-dentata movie Teeth was sharper, and the story of how Dawn comes to realize her toothy mutant pussy is a superpower rather than a curse is a beautiful spin on adolescence.

8. Speed Racer. Pretty much everyone hates this movie except us — Entertainment Weekly listed it twice on its year's worst lists, even as the mag praised the bland Benjamin Button. But we really did love this film, for its crazy, surreal CG vistas and fun follow-your-heart storyline. Racer was the last thing you'd expect from the Wachowskis: a film about family values, in which Speed learns that love for family trumps everything else. (And Susan Sarandon and John Goodman, as Speed's parents, pretty much run away with the film.) This movie is a cult classic waiting to happen.

7. Cloverfield. Of all the movies on this year's "best" list, this is the one I can least imagine wanting to watch more than once. But that's okay, because the one time you watch it, you'll be blown away. At least in the theater, the movie's shaky-camcorder gimmick actually works: it's totally immersive, and you really follow these yuppie dorks as they fight their way through pubic lice and monster debris to save their friend.

6. Sleep Dealer. We called it one of the best small-budget science fiction movies in years, in our review back in October. Set in a future where Mexicans do menial labor in the U.S. via telepresence, Dealer is a commentary on immigration and racism. But it's also a brilliant thought experiment and a character piece. And it has the hottest cyberpunk node-installation scene since the flawed-but-fun Existenz.

5. Iron Man. This movie exceeded our expectations, delivering a mind-expanding story of the military-industrial complex instead of just a superhero punch-em-up. I was so excited, I wrote a giant essay instead of a simple review.

4. City Of Ember. It could have been just another young-people-discover-their-world-is-a-lie movie, but instead it becomes a post-apocalyptic masterpiece. Thanks to Martin Laing's gigantic sets and Gil Kenan's beautiful direction, the subterreanean city becomes a real place. You can actually feel the terror and claustrophobia when the lights start going out. And Bill Murray is in rare form as the corrupt, short-sighted mayor.

3. Synecdoche, NY. Charlie Kaufman gave us Being John Malkovitch and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, but this is probably his weirdest, most surreal movie. Caden (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is suffering from a weird, nonsensical ailment that is making his autonomic functions shut down, and meanwhile his daughter is turning into an anemic fetish model. So he creates an ambitious, incomprehensible work of art — a recursive model of New York inside a New York warehouse, complete with actors playing real people. And it's a comedy. I laughed so hard at the stuff about Caden's therapist, and his attempts to make himself cry when his tearducts have shut down, I nearly choked on my popcorn.

2. The Dark Knight. This movie got us so worked up, we reviewed it twice. Sure, it was too long — and did the Joker really have to put explosives in the hospital and the boats? — but its ambition pays off, in the end. The story of Harvey Dent's fall from grace is epic enough to support all of the movie's endless incidents and action set pieces. And we're still debating the movie's politics (Pro-torture? Pro-surveillance? Anti-hero? Nihilistic or just anarchic?) months later.

1. Wall-E The only movie in years that I've wanted to watch again, right away. If I hadn't been starving and late for dinner, I would have watched it two or three times in one sitting. The first half hour, featuring the cute-bot in the post-apocalyptic abandoned Earth, is poetic and slapsticky. But then Wall-E gets into space, and it just gets crazier and more satirical, all without ever being mean or cheap. Plus it's a moving robot love story.

Even though 2008 was a pretty awesome year for movies, I still ended up with way more candidates for the "worst" list than the "best" list, sadly.

1. Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. This is one of those movies that I was so-so about at the time, but it's gotten worse in my mind since then. Too much Shia, especially Shia of the Jungle. Criminally underused Karen Allen. Mostly, too much boring retreading of past Indy movies, and CG ants, and a totally crap alien head-melting ending.

2. Hancock. All we could think about were ways it could have sucked less. Like if it was really a comedy instead of a bland romp that turns melodramatic halfway through. It had one joke, and ran it into the ground like... like a drunken superhero who smashes into the asphalt when he flies. A couple of funny moments couldn't rescue this dud.

3. Doomsday. Actually, this one belongs on a special so-bad-it's-great list. You'll be getting drunk/stoned and watching this one on DVD long after most "good" movies are forgotten. Just for the cannibals who dance to Fine Young Cannibals, and Malcolm McDowell's SCA kingdom. Yes, it's pretty terrible, but in a wonderful way.

4. X-Files: I Want To Believe. Wasn't this a show about people who investigate things? Apparently not, or at least the movie turned into a dull relationship drama. Bleh.

5. Jumper. I liked the clips of the "jumpscar" special effect and the whole bus-attack thing, but it didn't make for much of a movie. Even with a script by David Goyer, the whole thing is underwhelming. You keep waiting and waiting for David (Hayden Christensen) to step up and become a hero — or at least become interesting to watch — and it never happens.

6. The Day The Earth Stood Still Unlike my colleague Nivair, I hadn't pre-judged this one. I really thought it could be a good film in its own right, even if it wasn't true to the original. I was horribly, eye-searingly wrong. It starts out great, but then Keanu goes on a boring road trip while droning about the environment and eating at Mickey D's. Giant robot Gort shows up here and there, but he can't stop the movie from standing still.

7. The Happening could have been an interesting film — people start killing themselves in horrible ways, for no reason. But then it had to turn into a horror film about trees trying to destroy us, until they change their minds. People stare in horror and despair — at trees. Ohh kay.

8. Meet Dave. With a script by MST3K's Bill Corbett and a cool concept (a tiny guy lands on Earth in a human-sized spaceship that looks like him), this could have been a fun ride. Instead, it's a showcase for Eddie Murphy doing funny voices.

9. Space Chimps We got one great animated science fiction movie, so of course Hollywood had to punish us with an avalanche of drek. Including this horrific Andy Samberg vehicle about monkeys in space. Probably Fly Me To The Moon belongs on this "worst movies" list too, but none of us saw it. It was too soon after Chimps, and it just looked like pure torture.

10.The Spirit could have been sorta great too — we love Will Eisner, and Frank Miller used to be one of the greats, 20 years ago. But Miller has turned into a self-parody, and he decided to go all-out with the crazy camp in this film. Weirdly, even though this film is a visual maelstrom and features an eyelinered Samuel L. Jackson dressing as a Nazi and torturing cats, the film's biggest problem is that it's boring.

And then there were a lot of movies that were neither "best" nor "worst," they just were. Like, say, Incredible Hulk. It wasn't a great movie, it wasn't a terrible movie, it was just adequate. Call it "the credible Hulk." Or Death Race, which I couldn't bring myself to hate despite the lackluster third reel. Or Wanted, which was as dumb as ten piles of rocks but looked purty. Or Star Wars: Clone Wars, which was a fun, if forgettable, TV show, which got put on the big screen due to George Lucas' hubris.

It's long been known that the ancient Mayan ruling classes drilled holes in their teeth and put jewels in them. This was a popular practice at the height of the highly-advanced Mayan Empire, which lasted over a millennium before 900 AD, when it abruptly lost control over vast portions of Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, and Honduras.

These jawbones, which scientists have identified as being from two individuals, showed up in a small box delivered to the Honduran Embassy in the Netherlands last week. Local authorities speculated that the bones had been stolen in Honduras after researchers at Leiden University ran an analysis on them.

According to the Latin American Herald Tribune:

After the bones were received at the embassy in the Netherlands, the government of that European country requested that they be examined at Leiden University to determine their origin and to document the dental adornment, the Honduran foreign relations secretariat said.

It added that the pieces were studied using strontium isotope analysis, which showed that the ratio of strontium in the tooth enamel was consistent with that found in the water of Honduras' Copan River.

The tests determined that the individuals to whom the remains belonged were from an area of western Honduras now known as the Copan ruins, the Central American country's most important archaeological site.

The bones were delivered anonymously to the embassy, and nobody has any idea who did it. Perhaps a Dutch collector who felt they should go to their country of origin? A guilt-wracked member of an international ring of archaeologist pirates?

Regardless of who it was, the bones have now been returned to Honduras, where they will remain at a research institute.

SOURCE: Latin American Herald Tribune

Photo by Orlando Sierra/AFP/Getty Images.

If you want to read the lengthy spoilers for "Eggtown," the Google cache is still there. Here's a summary: Locke is holding Ben and Miles prisoner, trying to find out who Ben's mole on the freighter is and why the freighter is looking for the island. Kate arranges a meeting between Ben and Miles, in exchange for info on whether the freighter people know that Kate is a fugitive from justice. Miles agrees to tell everyone that Ben is dead in exchange for $3 million. Sawyer helps Kate bring Miles and Ben together, and then there's some Sawyer/Kate lovin. But then Sawyer and Kate have a spat over Kate's possible pregnancy and their future together, and they break up.

Meanwhile, in the future, Kate goes on trial for killing her stepdad, and Jack testifies on her behalf. Asked whether he loves Kate, Jack says no. And Jack and Kate can't be together because he won't accept her son. Kate's mom shows up but ends up not testifying against her. In the end, Kate gets off with just ten years' parole. It turns out future-Kate's son is actually Claire's kid Aaron.

More spoilers:

• Dr. McCoy will explain as to how he's a doctor, not a _________ in the new Star Trek movie, promises actor Karl Urban. He may say "Damn it, Jim," as well. [TrekWeb]
• Here's a synopsis of Teeth, the vagina dentata horror movie, which tells you exactly how many guys get their dicks chopped off (four, I think) and whether they all deserve it (they do.) Oh, and the dog eats the annoying stepbrother's dick after he lets the main character's mom die. [BunnyXPenguin]
• In upcoming Kyle XY episodes, a social worker comes to snoop around Kyle's family. And then Adam orders Kyle to stick close to Jessi, so he takes her along when he investigates Sarah. And then Kyle starts to have mental problems. [SpoilerTV]
• The Y: The Last Man movie will try to cram in multiple plotlines from the comic, including the Amazons, Dr. Mann's cloning experiments and Beth in Australia. [Production Charts]
• The Incredible Hulk is fully about a misunderstood monster, who still has Bruce Banner's conscience in a mega-powerful body, says William Hurt, who plays General "Thunderbolt" Ross. Hurt confirmed that he plays a scene opposite Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man/Tony Stark, connecting the Hulk and Iron Man films. That scene takes place after the Hulk has just defeated the Abomination, who takes joy in killing, and people are realizing the Hulk isn't the real monster, Hurt hints. [MTV Movies]
• Meanwhile, here's a new toy that shows what Jeff Bridges will look like as Iron Man's enemy Obadiah Stane, aka IronMonger. [Superhero Hype]

• Director Matt Reeves' next project after Cloverfield? The Invisible Woman, also produced by J.J. Abrams. First we don't get to see his monster, and then he creates a woman we can't see at all. [Hollywood Reporter]
• John Connor will have a fiancee, Kate Brewster, who helps him build his resistance movement against the machines in Terminator 4. And someone definitely turns out to be a traitor with a dark secret. [Production Charts]
• The outside of the Enterprise will look more or less like the original in the new Star Trek movie. But the interior will look totally different, set designer Dawn Brown says. If you go into the movie with no preconceptions, you "may" enjoy it, she adds. [SyFy Portal]
• The first episode of Jericho season two takes place four weeks after the end of season one, under a truce with New Bern. Someone (I'm guessing Heather) comes back with new info about the outside world, Stanley gets a startling offer, and Consantino "best sleep with one eye open." Also, Hawkins has a meeting that could affect the fate of what's left of America. (I'm guessing that's where he says the stuff in the trailer about stopping Valente, the ringleader of the terrorist squad. [Ask Ausiello]
• If you're still wondering Jessi XX survived her cliff dive, the second episode of the next Kyle XY block features her free of Madacorp and trying to have a normal life at school. But her awesome powers and special bond with Kyle only add to her teen angst. [SpoilerTV]
• The Jan. 25 Stargate Atlantis episode features Sheppard and McKay featuring a princess on her rite of passage. [SpoilerTV again]
• Four new clips from Teeth, the vagina dentata movie, show that a total dork has a crush on the main character, who has a super-annoying stepbrother. Teeth is out in limited release Jan. 18. [ShockTillYouDrop]
• Not much of a spoiler, but oh dear. Summer Glau's Terminator in The Sarah Connor Chronicles is more delicate than other Terminators and acts emotional even though she doesn't feel anything, says Glau. [Whedon.info]
• Get your first glimpse of Robert Downey Jr. trying out his hand repulsors in Iron Man. [Slashfilm]

Those stories suggested that the new Terminator film will feature a character who is the Ben Hur to John Connor's Jesus. Whoever he plays, Bale could lend some desperately needed gravitas to yet another stop-Skynet movie. Image by Dara Kushner/Goff Photos. [CHUD]

• Maggie Q may play Silver Fox, Wolverine's CIA operative girlfriend, in the new Wolverine movie. The Irish-Vietnamese actress has appeared in a lot of Asian films, plus Mission Impossible III and Live Free Or Die Hard. [IESB]
• NBC's Journeyman could be canceled if the ratings for its next couple of episodes don't soar. NBC might not even bother to air all of the episodes that have been filmed. Part of the problem? NBC isn't interested in ratings from viewers who tape the show on their digital recorders, or watch the show online. NBC may have sabotaged the show by advertising widely that you can watch episodes online, and then refusing to count those viewers. [Zap2It, Via Slice of SciFi]
• You won't be seeing Teeth any time soon, in spite of the cool trailer that came out last week. The acclaimed vagina dentata movie has been pushed back to late 2008 by a skittish distributor. [Bloody Disgusting]

When Teeth premiered at Sundance, Cinematical wrote:

At first Dawn is freaked out. Then she begins to realize that her difference empowers her. She no longer has to live in fear of her stepbrother's sexual attraction to her, or worry about date rape or random perverts; her vagina, rather than her greatest weakness, is her greatest weapon.

Obviously it's pretty lame if your vagina has to be jacked up to become empowering. But other critics saw Teeth as a metaphor for sexual ignorance and fear of sexuality. Whatever your take on it, Teeth could be the next Fido when it hits theaters early next year.